Random thoughts

*40 weeks, 5 days* - 3 days to induction!!

It's been a lazy weekend at the Koechling house. I think I showered on Saturday at about 6:30pm, and today we lounged around watching the Bears lose AGAIN in the 4th quarter. Tonight, we had a "date night" - probably our last for awhile, though we've promised each other we'll still try to take time for ourselves even after the baby comes. We did dinner and a movie, and it was a lot of fun.

It's so weird to think that a week from now our lives will be completely different forever. We stopped at Target tonight and bought a 0-3 month Bears outfit for the baby because it occured to us - he'll be watching the game with us next weekend! Well - we'll be watching (if we can stay awake), and he'll probably be sleeping, eating, or crying. Regardless, he'll be here, in our house, in our arms...

It's starting to freak me out a little bit. It's been SO surreal up to this point. It's been such a long process to get here, and now, after almost three long years since we started this journey, our child - our son - is going to be born in just a few days.

I've watched friends and coworkers have their children over the last few years, and now it's my turn, and I'm scared and thrilled all at the same time. I'm absolutely terrified of the unknown that is childbirth. I'm going to stay as laid back, relaxed, and calm as possible, but I know that induction might not be an easy process and could very well end in a c-section, which is NOT what I had hoped for. But I know that the doctor will do what's best for me and the baby.

In the end, however he's delivered, our little boy will be here. I've dreamed for so long of meeting him for the first time, seeing him with his daddy, seeing the reactions on the faces of the family and friends who have been by our sides on this journey, and who will love and spoil this child just as much as we will. The thought of the first time I see him and the first time I hold him - it brings tears to my eyes. It's almost hard to believe that this is actually, *finally* happening to me!

The girls on my IVF message board have said that seeing their husbands with their newborns has made them fall in love all over again, and I believe it, but I don't necessarily need to see Ben with his son to fall in love all over again (though I KNOW that will melt my heart).

Throughout this process - well, words really cannot describe how grateful I am and how lucky I feel to have such an amazing husband. While no relationship is perfect - of course, we frequently have our disagreements and we've defintely had our share of nasty screaming matches - I truly could not imagine going through the rest of my life with anyone else.

Ben has been my rock. The two years of trying to conceive resulting in heartbreak month after month... the mood swings and emotions of the fertility drugs... the intense regiment of shots, appointments, and procedures... I don't wish our struggles on anyone, but I still can say that I am stronger from this experience, and without a doubt I know that our relationship is stronger too.

I know I haven't always been easy to deal with during treatment and during the pregnancy, but Ben has loved me unconditionally and always made me feel that everything will be alright. He's missed maybe two doctors appointments from the start - once because of work and once because I told him it was okay to not come (I think he was entrenched in yard work). He told me tonight that he has looked forward to and been excited about every appointment, and you have to understand - most appointments during the pregnancy last all of 15 minutes for the doctor to measure my belly and listen to the baby's heartbeat for about 10 seconds. My point is that I am so grateful for his support and involvement. I am so lucky that he is my husband, and even luckier that he is the father of my son.