Wednesday, August 23, 2017
today we took noah to his first day of 3rd grade, and then dropped off your supplies in mrs. S's room. we found your hook and cubby and took a picture of the spot you'll hang your backpack.
tomorrow is all about you. it's so much easier this time around... I was thinking it was because you know sandburg. you know mrs. s and mr. bacon, you know the office ladies and the librarian. you pretty much know your way around. you have friends your age and older, and *I* have friends too. sandburg is so comfortable to us now, and it makes you starting kindergarten feel so much easier.
but the more I think about it, the more I realize it's actually easier this time around because of the person you are. even though you can be shy and reserved when you first meet people, I know that you you are strong and brave. you are kind and smart. you are funny and eager to learn. I know you will find your way, and it won't take too long for you to get in the groove.
you have been SO excited about kindergarten, counting the months, weeks, days.... and now it's here. I know you will do amazing. you are such a good girl. you care about other people. you will be a helped. and you told me today that you are most looking forward to learning math.
my beautiful girl... daddy and I love you more than I know the words to tell you. your eyes and your smile make me feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at being your mom. your passion let's me know that you care, even when you become frustrated or angry, I know it's because you have something in your mind or heart that you're having a hard time conveying.
my job as your mom is to take care of you and protect you, but now it's time for me to step back and give you a little bit of space to explore the world and find your way. I am so grateful that you are so excited for school, excited to learn, and excited to finally go to school with your big brother. you, noah and henry are my greatest joys, and even when being an adult is hard, I love you so deeply, with every bit of my being, and I will until the end of time.
mommy loves you so much Emily, and I can't wait to watch you continue to grow up and see what amazing things you do.
happy first day of kindergarten!
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
tonight i packed my first school lunch. the first of many, many to come over the next dozen or so years. it's such a little thing, yet very momentous.
noah is starting first grade tomorrow. it's a whole new world. in school all day, lunch, gym, recess, music, art..... i can tell he's a little nervous. new teacher, new kids. fortunately, there are three other boys in his class that were in his class last year and i know that makes him feel more at ease.
he is ready and eager to learn. his reading is unreal. his summer passion project was writing "chapter books" as he called them. stories in composition notebooks that have very little plot line, but i will treasure forever.
i watch him and think so much about who he will be. he might never be the strongest or fastest or most popular or outgoing, but he is smart and kind and so handsome. i hope he continues to find growing confidence and take chances. i hope he continues to be passionate about sports and eager to explore the world.
i sometimes feel i'm failing. i'm sure all parents do. i'm tired and sore and overwhelmed and frustrated a lot. i have a short fuse, and have extreme guilt that i am a yeller and that discipline can be challenging. i know that my kids are "good" kids in the grand scheme of things, but it is hard to take the brunt of bad attitudes and sassy behavior. i wonder what i did wrong, or what i could do differently to change the course, but the reality is, noah (and emily & henry) are feisty, spirited little people. i know that when they get bored or stir crazy, the push each other's and my buttons, because it works. the thing is, i know they hold it together at school, at grandma and grandpa's, in public, etc, so they just dump it all on me because it is safe.
i know this transition to waking up and getting all of our butts moving and out the door, long days of school, who knows how much homework, and whatever fall activities we decide to pursue (in addition to a change in ben's work schedule to afternoon shift starting in october) will be a challenging one. noah will be tired and crabby and i can almost guarantee given his record last year, that he will NOT to talk about his day, or anything for that matter. i will let him come home and decompress with "sportsies" for a bit, and keep trying.
the school lunches are a small burden when i remember how fast these first seven years of his life have gone. the day will come when he and emily and henry no longer want to bring a lunch ("MO-OM! That's so lame!") and thinking about that time makes me sad. it's like something i read recently that made me take a step back. it was about a mom who couldn't remember the last time she gave her daughter a bath. a very benign routine, one that i loathe because of the amount of time it takes to wash and dry three kids, not to mention the disaster the bathroom winds up. but i often make noah and emily shower instead of take a bath because it's easier for me to do and can be done much more quickly. but the reality is, they LIKE taking baths. it's fun for them. and it's one of those things that i only have for a short time because at a point, they won't need my help anymore. and while most days, the idea of telling noah to take a shower and get cleaned up and him actually doing it all on his own (and actually getting clean) sounds amazing, i want to keep him my baby for a few minutes longer.
so i will do my best to not begrudge making lunches. i will give him a bath once in a while. i will try to remember to take that break and breathe in having a first grader and all the joy and awe and attitude that comes with it.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
I'm going to try to blog on three kids in three days, and really truly try to make a habit of it...
Henry. Now 18 months old, he is a beast. I believe 30.5lbs and 35". 97th and 98th percentiles or vice versa. I'm in awe everyday of how bright he is and how quick he is learning things that can take much longer for lots of kids. On his 17th month, mama and dada turned into mommy and daddy, and I wan day turned into I wanna play, I wanna bottle, I do that, I wanna see, and so on. He's funny too and he knows it. He had a little bit of a template the last few days, a little summer bug, and when Ben declared Henry's temperature to be 99.9, Henry repeated niney nine nine in this very nasal voice. We cracked up and he said it again and again.
Another one is when I go in to his room in the morning, I always say how are you? and did you have a good sleep? In the last few days, he started responding with "good".
He is a busy child, and fearless. He doesn't do a lot of sitting and playing. He is always on the move and had discovered he loves playing kitchen and going outside. He likes to climb onto the couch, up the stairs, the slide on the swing set... He likes to swing but I think gets bored quickly because again, he likes to keep moving. He likes to play with the broom and his toy vacuum, and also recently found Emily's dollhouse which to my dismay had gotten little play from her, so I was more than happy to open it for him. He likes to put the baby in the bathtub and say nigh night...
He has developed a love of books. I was not sure that was going to happen but very recently he started during for a book or two at bedtime and then got to the point where he'd all for more or point until I figured out which one in particular he wanted. A favorite right now is called "freight train ".
He is enamoured with vehicles like Noah was. Trains and garbage trucks in particular. All the matchbox cars are car or bus to him.
Bug is " bun" which cracks me up and he squeaks and squats to watch the tiniest bugs on the sidewalk.
He is fascinated by dogs. Until they get too close.
When he is feeling brace, he will pet animals and say "no" (nice).
Just this past month he finally calls the kids by name- emmy (sometimes ah me) and oah. Grandma and grandpa are ahma and ahpa. And out of the blue a few weeks ago, he pointed at the photo calendar and said Carter.
He likes to dance like a crazy person and makes funny faces when the mood is right. But of course capturing these sorts of things in pictures or videos is nearly impossible.
Aside from the past few nights being sick, he finally started sleeping through the night probably a month ago. I remember one night I decided to wait out of to see how long he would cry if I didn't go to him. It latest one hour an he passed out, and that way that.
He still nurses basically on demand and we like it that way. He is clearly no where near self weaning and I'm no hurry at this point to push him.
Sometimes three kids feels like a dream. I can't imagine life without any of them or things happening any way other than it did. To think there was a time that I didn't think there could every be a Henry means my heart. I am so lucky that he came to be because he is such a sweet, funny, loving little soul.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
This is one of those "I've gotta write it somewhere so I don't forget" posts.... I've talked to 18 month old Henry a little bit about using the potty and I decided tonight to let him sit on the little potty just to see what he would do. Well, wouldn't you know he would only sit in it for a few seconds at a time, but he actually peed on the potty!! He wouldn't shoot long enough for a picture but fingers crossed I have another one like emily who is easy to get out of diapers 😁
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
one of the things related to this mommy guilt that i need to figure out dealing with is the maintainence of memories. i have guilt that i don't blog enough, or write things down anywhere. that i never made hashes of my kids heights on the wall in the laundry room, and think about starting now but hate that i missed six years with noah. i feel bad that i can't remember the little quips and comments the big kids make and the cool things the baby does. the easy resolution is to get better about blogging. i say that a lot. i really need to try.
in any case, a lot of time has passed and life moves at such a fast pace. noah is loving school and i'm so impressed with his reading in such a short time. six has been a challenging and emotional age, and it has been a struggle the last few months. he is also going to speech therapy to work on some feeding issues, and i'm so proud of his willingness and ability to try new, challenging (crunchy) foods.
emily is so funny with her facial expressions and the random funny things she says. she loves to dance, and her current favorite song is "one two three, three", also known as "chandelier" by sia. she goes to parents morning out (PMO) twice a week and acts all shy at school, which cracks me up, because i would never in a million years describe her that way.
henry is the funniest, cutest thing ever. he has almost all of his teeth (the canines are just starting to come in) and eats like a champ. his favorites are fruits for sure, as well as crackers and cucumbers. he asks and signs for more non stop. when he's ready to nurse, he points at my boob and says "dat". he's been walking for several months and is now starting to try to climb. just today he was standing on the kids doctor kit, and trying to use it to get onto the couch. henry knows farts are funny, and he requests hi favorite song "oh yeah yeah" (bruno mars "locked out of heaven") when he sees my phone. he is a big time chatter box, with lots of random babble, but tons of word attempts too. "buh" is button, book, Bear. he knows several body parts - hands, hair, eyes, nose, ears, tongue, belly button.
these past few months have been hard on me, physicially and emotionally, dealing with the transition to ben on midnights. i feel like i've gotten more used to the routine of it, but it still weighs on me a lot. while i am taking a medication that has seemed to help in many ways, i feel the physical burden of sheer exhaustion at days end. on top of that, i'm stuggling with motivation. even when i'm not tired per se, i find myself sitting on the couch being lazy. i just don't have the energy or stamina i wish i did to play with the kids or go out and do things. i feel like i need to do more for myself - i've considered chiro, acupuncture, massage, going to a gym - but the hard part is working it into my schedule, especially since ben's schedule changes monthly.
emotionally, i just miss him and his partnership. i feel like we've had communication issues for awhile and this is only exacerbating it. the little bit i do see him most days is spent dealing with the kids at meal times or bedtime. there is little opportunity for one on one, except on his days off and those days often feel tightly packed with family time or the other random things we need to get done. i feel like a single parent a lot of the time, and it's hard to see the kids behavior flip flop when we are both around. it's also hard to see him get frustrated with them so easily due to lack of sleep and his weird schedule.
i hope we ease into a calmer, more content version of life. it's really sad to me that i feel like i'm just trudging through each day, dragging my feet to bedtime. i often tell myself that these awful hours and loads of overtime will pay off in the long run when we have a fat pension to retire on, but it makes me horrible sad that i have to sacrifice my kids childhood for that. i do feel some guilt and resentment that we didn't make better educational and career choices. it's not even about the money. i just wish we had some of the flexibility as a family that most people have and take for granted. it's one more thing that pains my brain that i need to figure out how to deal with...
Thursday, January 29, 2015
i just came back from a weekend retreat in arizona. much needed me time, alone time, girl time. laughing and drinking and sleeping and drinking my coffee hot time. my heart is full and i feel a sense of renewal. i came home with a clearer mind. i need to be better and do better. i will find a way to dig out from the rut i'm stuck in, find some continued clarity. i will find a way to reduce the clutter and chaos that brings me so much stress. i will find a way to parent better and a way to be a better collaborator with ben. i will find a way to be healthier, make healthier food choices, get ben on board with being more aware as well.
he is working midnights now - 10:30pm to 6:30am. i have a hard time falling asleep. by the end of his work week, i am so ready for a break. i need to work on breathing and not yelling, not reacting so harshly when i get frustrated. i need to find a way to lower my anxiety level and reduce my chronic mommy guilt. i am taking a tai chi class to do something for myself and have a scheduled time to clear my head. i want to find a chiropractor who also does massage and acupuncture in hopes of finding some physical relief. i have decided too that finally seeing a mental health professional for the first time in my adult life is something i need to do, to work on the anxiety and guilt and also just help me find ways to parent better and deal with my issues about my own childhood.
my children are my light. i want to be better, i want to give them better than i had, and i know i can. i am a work in progress. i need to work on me, but i also need to bring ben on board. our life is hard right now, and i need help figuring out how to deal with the physical and mental clutter. we need to communicate better and reconnect so that we can be happier and be better parents. we all deserve better than what we've got right now, which is really just hanging in there.... ben's schedule is what it is, til the end of the year, so we can't just "hang in there". we need to be functional, but i can't do it alone. here goes nothing...
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
(**"I received these products complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes.**)
from #Rimmel London, their gentle eyes makeup remover and scandaleyes waterproof eyeliner. i am obsessed with both. i sort made an unspoken new years resolution to wear more eyeliner after getting this stuff because it goes on so smooth and stays on so clean. i might actually buy it in a few more colors. like the shiny black, in addition to the regular black.... lame. the makeup remover is fantastic. not greasy or irritating to my eyes like that other crap i used to use, that has since gone in the trash...
from New York Color Cosmetics, color last lip color in #SugarPlum. also obsessed. also not usually one to wear lipstick, but this color was made for me. seriously, it's color without being too much or looking like i'm trying too hard. i need to investigate other colors now that this foray into lipstick has been a success.
from Boots Beauty USA, Boots No. 7 Protect & Perfect ADVANCED... little trial packet of serum and coupons to buy more. i've yet to buy more but i did like how this felt on my skin. i am fortunate to have really good skin, not a lot of wrinkles or marks, but just as a moisturizer, i liked it. my skin is pretty sensitive when i try to lotions and whatnot, but i didn't have any issues with the Boots and will most likely pick some up at the drugstore. #GetADVANCED
From Fruit Vines, fruit vines bites (cherry). YUM-O!! similar to that other well known licorice that all used to make bites, but even better. all i can say is that i opened the bag, and between ben & i, they were gone in about 30 minutes... #sweetside
From Ecotools, sleek & shine hairbrush. well, unfortunately, i have to be honest. this is the one thing in the box they sent me that missed the mark. there were two other hairbrushes that i could have received, and i honestly think only one of them (the styler & smoother) would have worked for me. i just have so much, super thick hair. i like the idea of the brush but this type of brush in general just gets tangled in my hair. :/ can't win 'em all, i guess.
still to come... reviews of Celestial Seasonings peppermint tea (not a big tea fan, but i can probably get down with peppermint tea....) and McCormick brand Thyme (gotta find a good recipe that calls for thyme.... good thing tomorrow is meal planning/shopping day).
Friday, November 28, 2014
When people ask about my life and how I do it with three kids, I always say my life is crazy and I do the best I can. I feel stressed out A LOT and the day to day can be grueling. However, it is never lost on me what a gift this chaos is and how much I am grateful for the lack of privacy and me time. I need to work on not being so hard on myself, my kids, Ben. I need to learn to let things go, have less guilt, less regret. More living in and for the moment, and giving thanks more than just one day out of the year.
I know the day will come that my house is quiet, I'm not needed 500 times a day, I don't need to change diapers and wipe butts. I think about this a lot lately now that Henry is about to turn one. He is the brightest little light, and I could weep thinking about how absolutely amazing and miraculous his presence in our lives is. And add much as he is and always will be my baby, he no longer is a baby and my heart aches in coming to terms with this stage in my life being over. With Emily, I went through a different mourning. With her, it was with sadness that the journey was over before I was ready, but still the teeniest hope that maybe someday..... Now, as much as in my heart I feel like I could have a million children, to know all the beauty, brilliance, wit, humor we could create, to hold, smell, cuddle a brand new little life.... I know that that journey has ended. I am so thankful for the road we traveled because it taught me so much about love, strength and the importance of community. My heart is so full with love, even on the days they make me crazy. I want to give them the world and I hope someday I can.
So of course I've gotten off track... Today was Thanksgiving. Every holiday with children is hectic and overwhelming. I left my mom's thinking, dammit, we didn't get a family picture. And did I get any of the baby on his first thanksgiving? And it just occurred to me his "baby's first Thanksgiving" bib is sitting in his closet.... Sigh.
In any case, amidst the chaos and stress, there is so much love and light, and oh so much to give thanks for.
First of course is family. My darling, beautiful children who fill me with such pride. Noah who is learning to read so quickly, and wanting to read everything, learning what new words mean, remembering all kinds of crazy details.... Emily, who is so funny, witty, silly, sweet... And two going on like 16. Every day I think, omg how is she still only two? She's just brilliant. And then Henry. My little butter ball. Thinks he's a big kid, because he's the size of one. Crawling, cruising, babbling, laughing. Lots of laughing and squealing. And just the most beautiful eyes, smile, dimple. And my husband, who puts up with me... And does so much for us all. The new job, the new schedule, it's been and will continue to be a challenge (especially as he goes permanently to midnights on January) but I think he's happy and I how in the long run it will put us in a better position financially and he week get to a point when he had the opportunity for a better schedule.
I'm also thankful for our extended family, who support us in all we do and help out with the kids when possible. I'm thankful for the friends and coworkers who lift me up, listen to me vent, and are there even when we can't see each other as much as any of is would like. I'm thankful for my health because although it's not perfect, and I'd really rather not have any issues to deal with, it can always be way worse. I am alive and treating my ailments, and for that I am thankful. I'm thankful for random acts of kindness. I'm thankful for good food and a warm house. I'm thankful for a job that, even though the money sucks and the work can be stressful, is meaningful and allows me flexibility and time home with my kids. I'm thankful for learning that I can't be everything to everyone, I can't please everyone, i can only do my best, and only I know what's best for me and my family.
I love that Noah wrapped his heart around the meaning of the day today, proclaiming how thankful he was and wishing everyone a happy Thanksgiving. He told me more than once that he is thankful for his family, his friends, and the earth. He's a wise child, and I hope I can help he see that he can give thanks every day. That he has so much to be thankful for. And hopefully I can continue to remember that everyday too and as life passes by, to be better at pausing to breathe it all in.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Ben has officially started working nights and my goal is to finally do more blogging. It's always been something I think about doing but don't because I'm too busy or don't have the energy or desire, but I'm going that now that most of my nights will be solo, I'll find the motivation and take time to reflect.
I love the idea of being a blogger. Of writing things that are witty and touching. I don't really care if anyone reads them but hope to be able to look back one day and have a glimpse of our life. I feel like I've become so dependent on Facebook for that. I put little tidbits of my day, quotes from the kids, a cute picture, a funny story, whatever, there out of was and convenience but those things get buried amidst the other crap I like and share. I want to be able to put my thoughts here. I want to find a way to step back and really breathe in my life and maybe writing about it will help, or will at least help me figure out a way to call with some of the daily struggles of being a working mom and wife.
I feel like I've had a lot on my mind lately. I want to be someone who lives without regret, but my own awareness of that almost feeds the fear of having regrets. Does that make sense? For example, this past weekend was Noah's 6th birthday party. He loved it. We had it at Grounds for Hope in Lisle. He and a few friends enjoyed playing in the treehouse and then we went to the party room for games, cupcake and gifts. I like throwing parties for the kids. I like coming up with cute ideas, like pin the birthday hat on Noah and my diy obstacle course. But with hosting parties, you have to be on and entertaining. There's no time to stop to take pictures or to just pause and watch my boy having fun with his friends... I mean there is time, but in the chaos of the moment, I almost always forget to take those breaths. And them afterward, i do feel a weird variety of regret that I didn't enjoy the moment more....
But that's just one example. I worry about missing the little moments in general. I feel so stressed and ragged so much of the time. Today I worked all day and came home in time for Ben to leave, and then I did dinner, bathed Emily and bedtime, which was done around 9pm. I want to take care of myself. I want to start going to a chiropractor and getting massages. I want to be able to get my nails done or go shopping without feeling like I need to hurry home. But there's no spare time. And on the very rare day when there is free time, I choose to spend it with my family. It's a double edged sword.
And then there is money. I am incredibly frugal. I'm starting to think to a fault. I feel guilty about spending money on myself and often buy several things and and up returning most of them. I don't like the idea of spending money on myself when in the back of my mind, I have dreams of traveling with my family when the kids are a little but older and I wish we could create a slush fund for vacations but we can't because add people with debt, putting money aside for a trip seems irresponsible.
And then I hate that part is me that does get jealous of people who can buy or travel without second thought. So they realize how lucky they are and how I wish I could take my kids to Disney every year too? (I'm not a Disney person, and while I do want to take my kids there sooner than later, I would totally target spend money mixing it up... But that's me.)
I'm at a weird time in my life. I want to just fully wrap myself up in my children and shut everything else out but I need so much to lean on others, even though I have zero free time and much of my human interaction (besides when I'm at work) is done through the computer. But even that has become tiresome. People who make and share their every bad decision and women who can't agree on a girls weekend because it doesn't meet the needs if the entire group... I digress.
I think this is a bit of a vent. Needed to put it to the universe and get it off my chest. So now tomorrow is a new day and I will make every effort to breathe it's sweetness in deeply and take breaks to observe and enjoy the fleeting moments.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
tomorrow you start kindergarten. i don't think that has fully sunk in for any of us, just what that means. i can tell you are feeling excitement balanced with an understandable amount of nervousness. i am too. for the longest time i've felt okay about you going to kindergarten, but now as the time has finally come, i'm realizing that my baby is no longer a baby, and that's a hard one for mama to swallow.
i am excited to watch you take the next step on this amazing journey that is your life. you have become such an incredible boy. there are moments of frustration and emotion that we need to help you to figure out how to better express, but in general you are a kind boy. you love your brother and sister so deeply that it makes my heart ache. you are so bright and imaginative. you craft the most elaborate stories and draw such detailed maps. you are learning to read, understanding math, and take pride in learning new things. you are so eager to learn. like a sponge, you take it all in, and then repeat it back to me when i least expect. if you say i said or did something, i fully believe you. your memory is remarkable and i truly hope that it serves you well as you move forward in school.
you love life. you love people. you want to make friends and i want you to make friends. i know that this is the real first step on your journey of becoming the person you will be. everything before this did matter, but it was different. you are now entering the bigger world. one where you will share a school with fifth graders. one where you will meet people who you may go to school with until you are 18. one where you will begin to discover who you are and who you want to be.
but i worry too. i'm your mom, so that's my job. i think part of it is that i can't walk in your shoes, i can't be there to keep an eye on you or see how it goes. i know that in preschool you would sometimes tell me you played by yourself or you'd ask someone to play and they didn't want to. those images are heartbreaking, and i always told myself it wasn't actually that bad but just the interpretation of a child. but what if that happens in kindergarten? or what if you feel too shy or vulnerable to make friends? my saving grace is knowing that our neighbor david is in your class, so you will hopefully feel less alone. and i know what i'm doing is projecting - i was a painfully shy child, and it was terrible. i don't want that for you because i know how hard it is. i don't need you to be mr popular or even have a ton of friends.
what i mostly want for you is what i didn't have as a child - the confidence to be you and love you and make other people love you. of course, i also want to see you thrive academically, but i know that will be the easy part for you. you know all the basics, letters, numbers, concepts... you can do basic math and are starting to do basic reading. those concrete things are easy to learn. learning to believe in yourself is harder but we know that you can do anything you put your mind to. i want for you to know that WE believe in you and will always be here for you.
this next step is scary. it's big. it's the end of one chapter, and the beginning of another.... my friend recently blogged about missing the lasts because you never know they are the "last" until it's too late. tonight i knowingly kissed you goodnight for the last time before you wake up in the morning a kindergartener. i smelled your hair and the felt the squish of your cheek on my lips.
and now i sit here looking at old posts, trying to remember holding you, kissing you for the first time. and i do. even if it's my mind playing tricks on me because i've looked at the pictures a million times.... but i remember crying in the OR when i first laid my eyes on you and later being wheeled into recovery where your daddy was cradling you, looking so lovingly at our little miracle, and then putting you into my arms. it feels like a million year ago. it's hard to believe you will be six in october, yet i feel like i've known you my entire life...
you have a part of my heart always and forever little boy. i know that you will be safe, you will grow, you will learn. you will continue on the path to becoming an amazing person. we have high expectations for you and i know you will reach them. on this eve of starting kindergarten, i will only allow myself to briefly mourn the past, and will focus on the pride and joy you bring to my heart, and how i look forward to watching you grow and learn in the year(s) to come.
my love forever,