Thursday, December 8, 2011

just days to go! and other ramblings

*39 weeks, 5 days*

it is hard to imagine that by this time next week, i WILL be holding my baby girl. it's still so surreal. i feel like it just really set in that i'm pregnant. i'm tired and sore, but i will be a little sad when it's over. i will likely never be pregnant again, and for most people, that might not be saddening, but i guess most people, they can change their mind on that one...

anywho, as of this past monday, i was still at 1-2 cm, 40% effaced (same place i was at the monday before). i have been having contractions on and off for several weeks. they actually started the night before thanksgiving. they weren't painful, just uncomfortable for close to a week. the tuesday after thanksgiving, i was at target and suddenly, omg. i was in such pain, and i thought wow, this might be it! but then they stopped... and then they continued on and off for days. i'd hoped the painful ones meant there would be some cervical change, and we'd be on our way to my desired VBAC, but no dice.

at my appt on monday, the doctor said he wanted to see me back on friday and i asked about what would happen if again there was no change, ie. how quickly could i get in for a c-section? saturday? monday? tuesday, doctor said, but if i wanted, i could just schedule it for friday. he told me to think about it, and call the next day to let them know if i wanted to schedule a c-section.

i was realllly hoping there would have been some progress, and i wouldn't have to make this decision, but after talking to ben, going to acupuncture, and having a moment of clarity, i decided i was going to schedule a c-section for tuesday.

so, i went back for more acupuncture tonight, and tomorrow, i see the OB, where he'll check me and strip my membranes as a last ditch effort for my desired VBAC. if nothing happens this weekend, i'll go back to the OB one last time on monday and c-section will (inevitably) be on tuesday.

if i do wind up having a c-section, so be it. we did what we could to have a vaginal delivery, and i just don't see the point of waiting a few more days to have another baby at 41 weeks by c-section. i'm a little selfish and impatient at this point i guess. i'm tired and sore, and really don't want to have to go back to work next week. and really, as terrified as i am of how hard life as a mommy of two is going to be (at least for a little while), i am aching to see this girl, cradle her little body, touch her little face. i can't wait to take that first look, to match the one of noah that is burned into my memory. i can't wait to share her with the world, but more importantly than anyone in this world, for us to share her with noah. to finally hand deliver the gift that i wanted so desparately for him is the moment that i have looked the most forward to. i cannot wait to see the look on his face and the way he reacts when he finally sees and meets his baby sister, who i know he already loves in a way that i don't think most three year olds would.

my boy is growing up so fast, and it's hard to imagine that in just days we will be a big brother. i know that he will be the best big brother to his baby sister. he will teach her and guide her and lead her through life. not only is she a gift to him, but he will be a gift to her, and i cannot wait to watch them grow up together and explore the world together.

life gets in the way all too often and i forget to take a step back and take it all in. it's usually at night, when i'm watching noah sleep that tears come to my eyes and i'm amazing by what i have created and what i am doing my best to mold on a daily basis. i'm not a perfect parent, and i wish i could be better most days, but it's a hard job, to raise a child. especially one who is so strong and driven and motivated to learn about the world!

it's been a hard couple years though too, between my RA being the worst of my life when noah was young, to going through IVF twice in the last two years, and being pregnant for the past nine months. my hope is that after baby girl is born, i will get healthy and strong and be more physically able to be available so that i am more mentally available to both my babies. i want to do the very best i can, and give my babies the very best, because they deserve nothing less. it might be a challenge, but it's one i want to face head on.

to my baby girl: i love you from the deepest part of my soul, and yet i have never laid my eyes on you. i will forever look at you and noah, and be amazed and awed by my journey to have you. the fact that you were both mere clusters of cells, created in a dish in a lab and carefully placed into my body by a doctor, will never be lost on me, and my gratitude to all the people who played a role in my infertility and IVF expereiences will always be in my heart. i look forward to someday sharing the story of our journey and your conception with you and your brother. i am not ashamed to be infertile, nor will i ever be anything but proud to be an IVF mommy. you and noah are the greatest gifts in my life, and i would go through all of it, to hell and back again, to know that you are my prize in the end. i don't know why the world is how it is, if there's a god or not, or what it all means, but i know that i believe in love and goodness and that my children are the greatest part of me and have made me a far better person than i ever could have dreamed to be. i will keep striving to be better and to do better because you deserve everything good in the world. my baby girl, i am so greatful for you, and i cannot wait to meet you and to watch you grow into an amazing person. i love you with my whole heart, always and forever.