as usual, my attempt at being a better blogger bombed... so let's try it again...
tonight i packed my first school lunch. the first of many, many to come over the next dozen or so years. it's such a little thing, yet very momentous.
noah is starting first grade tomorrow. it's a whole new world. in school all day, lunch, gym, recess, music, art..... i can tell he's a little nervous. new teacher, new kids. fortunately, there are three other boys in his class that were in his class last year and i know that makes him feel more at ease.
he is ready and eager to learn. his reading is unreal. his summer passion project was writing "chapter books" as he called them. stories in composition notebooks that have very little plot line, but i will treasure forever.
i watch him and think so much about who he will be. he might never be the strongest or fastest or most popular or outgoing, but he is smart and kind and so handsome. i hope he continues to find growing confidence and take chances. i hope he continues to be passionate about sports and eager to explore the world.
i sometimes feel i'm failing. i'm sure all parents do. i'm tired and sore and overwhelmed and frustrated a lot. i have a short fuse, and have extreme guilt that i am a yeller and that discipline can be challenging. i know that my kids are "good" kids in the grand scheme of things, but it is hard to take the brunt of bad attitudes and sassy behavior. i wonder what i did wrong, or what i could do differently to change the course, but the reality is, noah (and emily & henry) are feisty, spirited little people. i know that when they get bored or stir crazy, the push each other's and my buttons, because it works. the thing is, i know they hold it together at school, at grandma and grandpa's, in public, etc, so they just dump it all on me because it is safe.
i know this transition to waking up and getting all of our butts moving and out the door, long days of school, who knows how much homework, and whatever fall activities we decide to pursue (in addition to a change in ben's work schedule to afternoon shift starting in october) will be a challenging one. noah will be tired and crabby and i can almost guarantee given his record last year, that he will NOT to talk about his day, or anything for that matter. i will let him come home and decompress with "sportsies" for a bit, and keep trying.
the school lunches are a small burden when i remember how fast these first seven years of his life have gone. the day will come when he and emily and henry no longer want to bring a lunch ("MO-OM! That's so lame!") and thinking about that time makes me sad. it's like something i read recently that made me take a step back. it was about a mom who couldn't remember the last time she gave her daughter a bath. a very benign routine, one that i loathe because of the amount of time it takes to wash and dry three kids, not to mention the disaster the bathroom winds up. but i often make noah and emily shower instead of take a bath because it's easier for me to do and can be done much more quickly. but the reality is, they LIKE taking baths. it's fun for them. and it's one of those things that i only have for a short time because at a point, they won't need my help anymore. and while most days, the idea of telling noah to take a shower and get cleaned up and him actually doing it all on his own (and actually getting clean) sounds amazing, i want to keep him my baby for a few minutes longer.
so i will do my best to not begrudge making lunches. i will give him a bath once in a while. i will try to remember to take that break and breathe in having a first grader and all the joy and awe and attitude that comes with it.