Tuesday, January 25, 2011


so first and foremost, stacy was d/c from the hospital on friday, and went today for her weekly check-up. everything is a-okay, "stable" was her word. cervix at 3.8 and hanging in there. officially, she's on a month of bedrest. unofficially, i want her to stand on her head for the next four months and keep that precious babe in. there's very little expectation of her coming back to work. the doctor probably said a month just to give her some sense of sanity. i think the reality is that the doctor is on pins and needles with the rest of us. kim and i are going to visit stac on thursday, and i think it will do me well to actually have a conversation with her and find out exactly where her head's at.

on a lighter note, noah fell down the stairs on saturday. *sigh* yeah i won mom of the year in the third week into twenty eleven. he's a big boy and can manage stairs, but i think between the post-nap haze, the beloved juice cup, and a freaking blue matchbox car, he just didn't have coordination to safely make it down the stairs... thank goodness we live in a split level, so the number of stairs he grazed is less than or equal to six. though the thud at the bottom, on the tile mind you, was deafening, only second to the scream i let out when i realized what had just happened.... but alas, he will live. i iced him with a bag of peas, only after frantically trying to reach ben and getting my mom, who came with jeff to console, er calm me down. and then julie & scott dropped grant off for the night. lovely.

noah looks like he's sprouting horns, with two big, round, blue circles on each temple. my poor babe. but on the upswing, prior to "the tumble", he told my mom on the phone "yub oo" or love you (in english). i about cried, and we've been reinforcing it ever since. the way that the whole please and thank you (pee and tank-oo) has finally fallen into place, soon yub oo will be part of daily life. :)

a few other things to note: we finally booked our airfare to AZ and i have a tentative timeline for my yet to be named IVF cycle. (i was gonna go with 2.1 but that makes me feel like then there will be a 2.2, etc and that's not in the plan.)

yes, AZ is booked - we fly late feb 23 and return on mar 1. we'll be hitting two spring training games during that time, and more importantly, will get to spend time with some very dear friends.

and as for IVF, i plan on trying to keep it on the DL IRL, but goodness knows that's a nearly impossible task for me. the long story short is that i will start the suppression component when i get my period, sometime in the next week, then i'll be on the pill (yes, THAT pill) for three weeks and will start shots while i'm in AZ. when i'm back from AZ they'll do my baseline blood and u/s and go from there with the stimulation process. all said, i hope to bring home a baby next january! :)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

PPT needed...

long story short - my friend who lost her IVF twins in april at 23 weeks is now 20 weeks with pregnancy #2. they have been monitoring her weekly to keep a close eye on any cervical changes, but today she went for her routine check and they admitted her because she's starting to dialate. what.the.eff. they did an emergency cerclage at 8pm tonight, and she was told she'll be on bedrest for at least two weeks, and at most the duration of her pregnancy.

i have feeling so helpless and wish i could do something to comfort her, but the timing of this is so cruel. she was admitted at 20 weeks with her twin pregnancy because she was in preterm labor, both dialating and effacing. they held off on the cerclage for a week or so, before doing it at .5cm as a last ditch to save the pregnancy. she's still at like 3.9cm so all i can do is hope it does the trick and the benefits outweigh the risks this time around.

i just feel so bad - my heart aches for her! i can't explain how hard this pregnancy has been. she hasn't been able to enjoy being pregnant because she lives with the fear of the not so distant memories. we keep telling her, get to 20, 23, 24 weeks, and hopefully then you'll have some peace and be able to enjoy being pregnant. a preemie? it would be hard, but that she can handle - we work in EI for chr*st sake - resources are at our fingertips. but oh, to lose another child. i can't even let myself go there. i don't want my mind to go there, but i cannot stop my mind from running laps...

just needed to release that. maybe i'll go to bed and wake up and it will all have been a bad dream.... but just in case, please send stacy & doug and that sweet baby, who is wanted in this world more than the universe knows, all the prayers and positive thoughts you can spare.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


in the last two weeks or so, noah has made some MAJOR gains in his speech. it's truly amazing to see! early last week, he said grandpa for the first time, and i was totally caught off guard. i asked him then to say grandma, and he did!! i was so excited! after months of my mom being gaga, ben's parents finally have names!!! the day or two after that, noah finally started calling himself noah instead of nih, and dora is now do-uh, instead of dih.

the things that come out his mouth are crazy. words that we look at each other and say "did you teach him that?" and the phrases too! watch show, one more, jump down... i mean that's just the tip of the iceberg! last night he said something - hm. now i can't remember but it was a three word phrase that ben and i just looked at each other stunned. he's really trying hard to tell us things and ask for things, and we really try to encourage him. he's saying harder words too - elephant is el fant. avacado is cowdoh. after basically no words last may besides an inconsistent mama and dada, he has come so far! and if you ask his name, he might even tell you it's noah ko-ching.

tonight he was looking at a picture of ben's grandma, and i asked if he know who that was. he said dog. i said yeah she has a dog. that's great grandma, can you say great grandma?

and you know what? he did. :)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


so i'm not one to make new years resolutions, but i definitely have goals for the year. i would love to eat healthier and live happier, reduce clutter in my home, and of course, have another baby. one other thing i'd really like to do is to try to blog on a more regular basis, not so much because i think anyone reads it, but moreso for my own peace and clarity. i feel like it was such a good outlet for me when i was pregnant, and when i was trying to get pregnant with noah, i utilized my IVF message boards for the same purpose.

so that said...

noah had speech today for the first time since getting tubes last week. he is continuing to make hugs strides with his speech. the things that he comes up with sometimes almost brings tears to my eyes because i'm just so in awe of how cool he is.

work today was uneventful, thankfully. january is historically the busiest month of the year for us, so i mostly spent the day tying up loose ends, closing cases, and getting mtgs scheduled.

i did come to the realization today when i was driving to work that i need to start my IVF process. i feel like obviously it's something i want to do, but for fear of failure, i keep putting it off. i guess in the back of my mind i think i won't have to deal with the possibility of failure if i just do go through the process. but of course, in putting off the possibility of failure, i'm also putting off the possibility of success, and with that, the dream of noah being a big brother. so i talked to my fellow IVFer at work about my thought process, and of course, she supported me in my maddening volley of logic, and encouraged me to at least call and make an appointment.

so i came home tonight, loved on noah, and chatted with ben about where my brain is at. i think we came to the resolution that if i am ready, we should do it, and agree that if it doesn't work this time, then we will look at the out-of-pocket IVF options and find the money to go again... so i guess my next step is to call the RE and make and appt to get the ball rolling once again...

with all of these thoughts also comes the possibility of an arizona trip for spring training in march!!! the thought of AZ in the spring thrills me!! dear friends, warm weather, cubs games, in-n-out burgers!!! ah, the joys are endless!

and soon after that begins the rash of babies again, as i have SEVERAL friends (mostly, or possibly exclusively, ex-CFC girls) who are pregnant and due this spring and summer. :) i am clawing to get on that wagon. stay tuned!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

reflections on 2010

so i didn't really want to reflect on 2010, but the more i think about it and am reminded about the year that was, i feel more and more obligated to close the door on it. so here goes...

since the spring, i've wanted the year to be over, and truly for good reason. not all because of bad things that happened directly to me, but because i take other people's pain and struggles to heart, i hurt for so many people in 2010.

best i can recall, it started with the passing of my uncle steve, my dad's brother. i was hit hard by this loss for a number of reasons. one - he never met my noah, which hurts in and of itself, but also because my dad never got to meet noah (and vice versa) and i guess in my mind steve was the closest thing to him. two - he was so much like my dad, in both the good ways and the bad, but regardless, every time i saw him, it was haunting... three - i can't remember the last time i saw him. stab, and twist. i mourn that we haven't been closer to him and my dad's family since my dad died in 97, but yet, we still don't see that part of the family, except at funerals, it seems...

sometime around then, i started having a flare-up of my arthritis. i distinctly remember getting my nails done for amanda's wedding in arizona, and the manicurist tweeked something in one of my fingers and that started it. from there, my fingers swelled, my joints locked, and i started going downhill fast. by summer, i was basically crippled and struggled to care for myself and noah. work was challenging for me, as every keystroke made my fingers ache and my knees throbbed as i sat at my desk.

and then there was the swing that hit me in my gut like nothing i've ever experienced. i've experienced loss in tragic ways and felt sadness more overwhelming than can be described, but i will never forget the day i received the phone call at work in early april. after getting pregnant with twins after five rounds of IVF, my dear friend called following her 20 week high risk appointment saying that she was being admitted to the hospital because she was almost fully effaced. i held it together while i was on the phone, but after i got off, i lost it. i know at that moment there would not be a positive outcome. three weeks later, she had to give birth to twin boys at 23 weeks.

i know that this was truly the turning point of my year. i held stacy's loss as if it had happened to me, and despite my best efforts, i could not shake the pain. she was so strong, so stoic, so brave. i know i would not have been able to keep it together. i don't know how, but she put the pieces back together, and jumped back in. she is now 18 weeks pregnant.

a month and a day after stacy gave birth, another blow. a friend - whom i call my friend, because she is, though we have never met - lost her four month old, one of twins, to SIDS. i met sam through my IVF message boards on ivillage.com and we were due one day apart with noah and caden, and we lived every moment of that IVF cycle and our pregnancies right along with one another. we shared every happiness, every fear, and every dirty detail of labor, delivery, breastfeeding, diaper changing, etc. us October girls were tight. so when i read on her facebook page a month and a day after stacy's boys were born and died that mason had died in his crib, i fell apart. poor noah must've thought his mama was crazy during those months. i was an emotional mess. i was heart broken all over again.

but we pushed on. i had thought we'd start back with IVF around noah's first birthday, but i wasn't feeling quite ready at the time. so we pushed it back. or i did. we never really talked about it. it just never felt right, and honestly, looking back, i'm not sure what made us go for it in june. i think i needed something good to happen, and i hoped that this would be it.

unfortunately, as you know, it didn't work, and in retrospect, i think i wasn't fully ready emotionally, and i know now that physically, i should not have cycled. i was in the midst of the worst flare-up of my adult life, yet i went ahead with my cycle.

from there, things kind of leveled out. i got my negative pregnancy test, and decided it was time to change rheumatologists, explore my fertility options, and try to refocus my life. i still kind of feel all over the place sometimes. i know i should exercise, eat better, declutter my life, but with two boys in the house, it's hard to make some of those changes.

it also doesn't help that arthritis wears you down, both physically and emotionally. i always think of things that i WANT to do, but don't have the energy or strength to do. i always thing of things that i should say, but can't muster the courage, strength, or fight to do it. and when i do, i get a moment's reprieve and then it's back to the grind.


so with that, i say peace out 2010, and don't let the door hit'cha! i'm gonna take 2011 by the balls and say eff you to pain and sadness. i'm gonna get pregnant this year, i'm gonna make certain that i get all aspects of my life and house in order (within reason), and i'm gonna be happy.