tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55980726257945710162024-03-13T05:40:39.848-05:00...the journey continues...a little story about infertility, pregnancy, parenting, and just life in general.Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.comBlogger192125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-543413000741021552017-08-23T22:45:00.000-05:002017-08-23T22:45:23.669-05:00kindergarten, round twodear Emily,<br />
<br /><br />
today we took noah to his first day of 3rd grade, and then dropped off your supplies in mrs. S's room. we found your hook and cubby and took a picture of the spot you'll hang your backpack.<br />
<br /><br />
tomorrow is all about you. it's so much easier this time around... I was thinking it was because you know sandburg. you know mrs. s and mr. bacon, you know the office ladies and the librarian. you pretty much know your way around. you have friends your age and older, and *I* have friends too. sandburg is so comfortable to us now, and it makes you starting kindergarten feel so much easier.<br />
<br /><br />
but the more I think about it, the more I realize it's actually easier this time around because of the person you are. even though you can be shy and reserved when you first meet people, I know that you you are strong and brave. you are kind and smart. you are funny and eager to learn. I know you will find your way, and it won't take too long for you to get in the groove.<br />
<br /><br />
you have been SO excited about kindergarten, counting the months, weeks, days.... and now it's here. I know you will do amazing. you are such a good girl. you care about other people. you will be a helped. and you told me today that you are most looking forward to learning math. <br />
<br /><br />
my beautiful girl... daddy and I love you more than I know the words to tell you. your eyes and your smile make me feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at being your mom. your passion let's me know that you care, even when you become frustrated or angry, I know it's because you have something in your mind or heart that you're having a hard time conveying. <br />
<br /><br />
my job as your mom is to take care of you and protect you, but now it's time for me to step back and give you a little bit of space to explore the world and find your way. I am so grateful that you are so excited for school, excited to learn, and excited to finally go to school with your big brother. you, noah and henry are my greatest joys, and even when being an adult is hard, I love you so deeply, with every bit of my being, and I will until the end of time.<br />
<br /><br />
mommy loves you so much Emily, and I can't wait to watch you continue to grow up and see what amazing things you do.<br />
<br /><br />
happy first day of kindergarten!<br />
love, momMindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-79051528659580322962015-08-18T23:15:00.000-05:002015-08-18T23:15:01.147-05:00school lunchas usual, my attempt at being a better blogger bombed... so let's try it again...<br />
<br />
tonight i packed my first school lunch. the first of many, many to come over the next dozen or so years. it's such a little thing, yet very momentous.<br />
<br />
noah is starting first grade tomorrow. it's a whole new world. in school all day, lunch, gym, recess, music, art..... i can tell he's a little nervous. new teacher, new kids. fortunately, there are three other boys in his class that were in his class last year and i know that makes him feel more at ease.<br />
<br />
he is ready and eager to learn. his reading is unreal. his summer passion project was writing "chapter books" as he called them. stories in composition notebooks that have very little plot line, but i will treasure forever.<br />
<br />
i watch him and think so much about who he will be. he might never be the strongest or fastest or most popular or outgoing, but he is smart and kind and so handsome. i hope he continues to find growing confidence and take chances. i hope he continues to be passionate about sports and eager to explore the world.<br />
<br />
i sometimes feel i'm failing. i'm sure all parents do. i'm tired and sore and overwhelmed and frustrated a lot. i have a short fuse, and have extreme guilt that i am a yeller and that discipline can be challenging. i know that my kids are "good" kids in the grand scheme of things, but it is hard to take the brunt of bad attitudes and sassy behavior. i wonder what i did wrong, or what i could do differently to change the course, but the reality is, noah (and emily & henry) are feisty, spirited little people. i know that when they get bored or stir crazy, the push each other's and my buttons, because it works. the thing is, i know they hold it together at school, at grandma and grandpa's, in public, etc, so they just dump it all on me because it is safe.<br />
<br />
i know this transition to waking up and getting all of our butts moving and out the door, long days of school, who knows how much homework, and whatever fall activities we decide to pursue (in addition to a change in ben's work schedule to afternoon shift starting in october) will be a challenging one. noah will be tired and crabby and i can almost guarantee given his record last year, that he will NOT to talk about his day, or anything for that matter. i will let him come home and decompress with "sportsies" for a bit, and keep trying.<br />
<br />
the school lunches are a small burden when i remember how fast these first seven years of his life have gone. the day will come when he and emily and henry no longer want to bring a lunch ("MO-OM! That's so lame!") and thinking about that time makes me sad. it's like something i read recently that made me take a step back. it was about a mom who couldn't remember the last time she gave her daughter a bath. a very benign routine, one that i loathe because of the amount of time it takes to wash and dry three kids, not to mention the disaster the bathroom winds up. but i often make noah and emily shower instead of take a bath because it's easier for me to do and can be done much more quickly. but the reality is, they LIKE taking baths. it's fun for them. and it's one of those things that i only have for a short time because at a point, they won't need my help anymore. and while most days, the idea of telling noah to take a shower and get cleaned up and him actually doing it all on his own (and actually getting clean) sounds amazing, i want to keep him my baby for a few minutes longer.<br />
<br />
so i will do my best to not begrudge making lunches. i will give him a bath once in a while. i will try to remember to take that break and breathe in having a first grader and all the joy and awe and attitude that comes with it.<br />
<br />
<3 br=""></3>Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-22595563631080365272015-07-02T00:48:00.001-05:002015-07-02T00:48:56.314-05:00Henry<p dir="ltr">I'm going to try to blog on three kids in three days, and really truly try to make a habit of it...<br></p>
<p dir="ltr">Henry. Now 18 months old, he is a beast. I believe 30.5lbs and 35". 97th and 98th percentiles or vice versa. I'm in awe everyday of how bright he is and how quick he is learning things that can take much longer for lots of kids. On his 17th month, mama and dada turned into mommy and daddy, and I wan day turned into I wanna play, I wanna bottle, I do that, I wanna see, and so on. He's funny too and he knows it. He had a little bit of a template the last few days, a little summer bug, and when Ben declared Henry's temperature to be 99.9, Henry repeated niney nine nine in this very nasal voice. We cracked up and he said it again and again.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Another one is when I go in to his room in the morning, I always say how are you? and did you have a good sleep? In the last few days, he started responding with "good".</p>
<p dir="ltr">He is a busy child, and fearless. He doesn't do a lot of sitting and playing. He is always on the move and had discovered he loves playing kitchen and going outside. He likes to climb onto the couch, up the stairs, the slide on the swing set... He likes to swing but I think gets bored quickly because again, he likes to keep moving. He likes to play with the broom and his toy vacuum, and also recently found Emily's dollhouse which to my dismay had gotten little play from her, so I was more than happy to open it for him. He likes to put the baby in the bathtub and say nigh night...</p>
<p dir="ltr">He has developed a love of books. I was not sure that was going to happen but very recently he started during for a book or two at bedtime and then got to the point where he'd all for more or point until I figured out which one in particular he wanted. A favorite right now is called "freight train ".</p>
<p dir="ltr">He is enamoured with vehicles like Noah was. Trains and garbage trucks in particular. All the matchbox cars are car or bus to him.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Bug is " bun" which cracks me up and he squeaks and squats to watch the tiniest bugs on the sidewalk.</p>
<p dir="ltr">He is fascinated by dogs. Until they get too close.</p>
<p dir="ltr">When he is feeling brace, he will pet animals and say "no" (nice).</p>
<p dir="ltr">Just this past month he finally calls the kids by name- emmy (sometimes ah me) and oah. Grandma and grandpa are ahma and ahpa. And out of the blue a few weeks ago, he pointed at the photo calendar and said Carter.</p>
<p dir="ltr">He likes to dance like a crazy person and makes funny faces when the mood is right. But of course capturing these sorts of things in pictures or videos is nearly impossible.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Aside from the past few nights being sick, he finally started sleeping through the night probably a month ago. I remember one night I decided to wait out of to see how long he would cry if I didn't go to him. It latest one hour an he passed out, and that way that.</p>
<p dir="ltr">He still nurses basically on demand and we like it that way. He is clearly no where near self weaning and I'm no hurry at this point to push him. <br></p>
<p dir="ltr">Sometimes three kids feels like a dream. I can't imagine life without any of them or things happening any way other than it did. To think there was a time that I didn't think there could every be a Henry means my heart. I am so lucky that he came to be because he is such a sweet, funny, loving little soul.</p>
<p dir="ltr"><u>Xoxo</u></p>
Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-75049322261546525592015-06-24T23:14:00.001-05:002015-06-24T23:14:15.106-05:00Potty<p dir="ltr">This is one of those "I've gotta write it somewhere so I don't forget" posts.... I've talked to 18 month old Henry a little bit about using the potty and I decided tonight to let him sit on the little potty just to see what he would do. Well, wouldn't you know he would only sit in it for a few seconds at a time, but he actually peed on the potty!! He wouldn't shoot long enough for a picture but fingers crossed I have another one like emily who is easy to get out of diapers 😁</p>
Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-79101273604362793972015-03-18T22:06:00.000-05:002015-03-18T22:06:07.554-05:00on my mindso many things are on my mind recently, and one of the recurring themes is mommy guilt. i'm on a path to dealing with it, and self diagnosed post partum depression and anxiety (whether it's actually "post partum", or just run of the mill depression and anxiety, i don't know, but i chalked it up to life after baby, so yeah.) the NP at my OBGYNs office gave me a prescription for zoloft, which i've been taking for a week now, and she gave me a referral the behavioral health department at the hospital. i have a call in to schedule with a counselor.<br />
<br />
one of the things related to this mommy guilt that i need to figure out dealing with is the maintainence of memories. i have guilt that i don't blog enough, or write things down anywhere. that i never made hashes of my kids heights on the wall in the laundry room, and think about starting now but hate that i missed six years with noah. i feel bad that i can't remember the little quips and comments the big kids make and the cool things the baby does. the easy resolution is to get better about blogging. i say that a lot. i really need to try.<br />
<br />
in any case, a lot of time has passed and life moves at such a fast pace. noah is loving school and i'm so impressed with his reading in such a short time. six has been a challenging and emotional age, and it has been a struggle the last few months. he is also going to speech therapy to work on some feeding issues, and i'm so proud of his willingness and ability to try new, challenging (crunchy) foods.<br />
<br />
emily is so funny with her facial expressions and the random funny things she says. she loves to dance, and her current favorite song is "one two three, three", also known as "chandelier" by sia. she goes to parents morning out (PMO) twice a week and acts all shy at school, which cracks me up, because i would never in a million years describe her that way. <br />
<br />
henry is the funniest, cutest thing ever. he has almost all of his teeth (the canines are just starting to come in) and eats like a champ. his favorites are fruits for sure, as well as crackers and cucumbers. he asks and signs for more non stop. when he's ready to nurse, he points at my boob and says "dat". he's been walking for several months and is now starting to try to climb. just today he was standing on the kids doctor kit, and trying to use it to get onto the couch. henry knows farts are funny, and he requests hi favorite song "oh yeah yeah" (bruno mars "locked out of heaven") when he sees my phone. he is a big time chatter box, with lots of random babble, but tons of word attempts too. "buh" is button, book, Bear. he knows several body parts - hands, hair, eyes, nose, ears, tongue, belly button. <br />
<br />
these past few months have been hard on me, physicially and emotionally, dealing with the transition to ben on midnights. i feel like i've gotten more used to the routine of it, but it still weighs on me a lot. while i am taking a medication that has seemed to help in many ways, i feel the physical burden of sheer exhaustion at days end. on top of that, i'm stuggling with motivation. even when i'm not tired per se, i find myself sitting on the couch being lazy. i just don't have the energy or stamina i wish i did to play with the kids or go out and do things. i feel like i need to do more for myself - i've considered chiro, acupuncture, massage, going to a gym - but the hard part is working it into my schedule, especially since ben's schedule changes monthly. <br />
<br />
emotionally, i just miss him and his partnership. i feel like we've had communication issues for awhile and this is only exacerbating it. the little bit i do see him most days is spent dealing with the kids at meal times or bedtime. there is little opportunity for one on one, except on his days off and those days often feel tightly packed with family time or the other random things we need to get done. i feel like a single parent a lot of the time, and it's hard to see the kids behavior flip flop when we are both around. it's also hard to see him get frustrated with them so easily due to lack of sleep and his weird schedule.<br />
<br />
i hope we ease into a calmer, more content version of life. it's really sad to me that i feel like i'm just trudging through each day, dragging my feet to bedtime. i often tell myself that these awful hours and loads of overtime will pay off in the long run when we have a fat pension to retire on, but it makes me horrible sad that i have to sacrifice my kids childhood for that. i do feel some guilt and resentment that we didn't make better educational and career choices. it's not even about the money. i just wish we had some of the flexibility as a family that most people have and take for granted. it's one more thing that pains my brain that i need to figure out how to deal with... Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-56404554673057133222015-01-29T00:46:00.001-06:002015-01-29T00:46:19.999-06:00clarity and self improvementso many things going on. so much i want to say, need to say, but not being able to sleep is one of my many issues.<br />
<br />
quickly...<br />
<br />
i just came back from a weekend retreat in arizona. much needed me time, alone time, girl time. laughing and drinking and sleeping and drinking my coffee hot time. my heart is full and i feel a sense of renewal. i came home with a clearer mind. i need to be better and do better. i will find a way to dig out from the rut i'm stuck in, find some continued clarity. i will find a way to reduce the clutter and chaos that brings me so much stress. i will find a way to parent better and a way to be a better collaborator with ben. i will find a way to be healthier, make healthier food choices, get ben on board with being more aware as well.<br />
<br />
he is working midnights now - 10:30pm to 6:30am. i have a hard time falling asleep. by the end of his work week, i am so ready for a break. i need to work on breathing and not yelling, not reacting so harshly when i get frustrated. i need to find a way to lower my anxiety level and reduce my chronic mommy guilt. i am taking a tai chi class to do something for myself and have a scheduled time to clear my head. i want to find a chiropractor who also does massage and acupuncture in hopes of finding some physical relief. i have decided too that finally seeing a mental health professional for the first time in my adult life is something i need to do, to work on the anxiety and guilt and also just help me find ways to parent better and deal with my issues about my own childhood.<br />
<br />
my children are my light. i want to be better, i want to give them better than i had, and i know i can. i am a work in progress. i need to work on me, but i also need to bring ben on board. our life is hard right now, and i need help figuring out how to deal with the physical and mental clutter. we need to communicate better and reconnect so that we can be happier and be better parents. we all deserve better than what we've got right now, which is really just hanging in there.... ben's schedule is what it is, til the end of the year, so we can't just "hang in there". we need to be functional, but i can't do it alone. here goes nothing...Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-90468746215147400952015-01-13T01:12:00.001-06:002015-01-13T01:12:30.171-06:00#frostyvoxbox part onewe interrupt the usual blabber about my babies and my crazy life to bring you my #frostyvoxbox from Influenster!!!! a few months back, a friend on facebook posted a referral link to this website, Influenster, where you can get free stuff to try and review on social media. pretty rad concept, and i sure like free stuff, so he's a little bit about some of the goodies i got in the bright orange box.... <br />
<br />
(**"I received these products complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes.**)<br />
<br />
from #Rimmel London, their gentle eyes makeup remover and scandaleyes waterproof eyeliner. i am obsessed with both. i sort made an unspoken new years resolution to wear more eyeliner after getting this stuff because it goes on so smooth and stays on so clean. i might actually buy it in a few more colors. like the shiny black, in addition to the regular black.... lame. the makeup remover is fantastic. not greasy or irritating to my eyes like that other crap i used to use, that has since gone in the trash...<br />
https://www.influenster.com/reviews/review/rimmel-gentle-eye-makeup-remover<br />
https://www.influenster.com/reviews/review/rimmel-scandaleyes-waterproof-kohl-kajal-eyeliner <br />
<br />
from New York Color Cosmetics, color last lip color in #SugarPlum. also obsessed. also not usually one to wear lipstick, but this color was made for me. seriously, it's color without being too much or looking like i'm trying too hard. i need to investigate other colors now that this foray into lipstick has been a success.<br />
https://www.influenster.com/reviews/review/nyc-new-york-color-expert-last-lip-color <br />
<br />
from Boots Beauty USA, Boots No. 7 Protect & Perfect ADVANCED... little trial packet of serum and coupons to buy more. i've yet to buy more but i did like how this felt on my skin. i am fortunate to have really good skin, not a lot of wrinkles or marks, but just as a moisturizer, i liked it. my skin is pretty sensitive when i try to lotions and whatnot, but i didn't have any issues with the Boots and will most likely pick some up at the drugstore. #GetADVANCED<br />
https://www.influenster.com/reviews/review/boots-no7-protect-perfect-advanced-serum <br />
<br />
From Fruit Vines, fruit vines bites (cherry). YUM-O!! similar to that other well known licorice that all used to make bites, but even better. all i can say is that i opened the bag, and between ben & i, they were gone in about 30 minutes... #sweetside<br />
https://www.influenster.com/reviews/review/fruit-vines-r-bites <br />
<br />
From Ecotools, sleek & shine hairbrush. well, unfortunately, i have to be honest. this is the one thing in the box they sent me that missed the mark. there were two other hairbrushes that i could have received, and i honestly think only one of them (the styler & smoother) would have worked for me. i just have so much, super thick hair. i like the idea of the brush but this type of brush in general just gets tangled in my hair. :/ can't win 'em all, i guess.<br />
http://ecotools.com/hair?utm_source=influenster <br />
<br />
still to come... reviews of Celestial Seasonings peppermint tea (not a big tea fan, but i can probably get down with peppermint tea....) and McCormick brand Thyme (gotta find a good recipe that calls for thyme.... good thing tomorrow is meal planning/shopping day).<br />
<br />
peace yo.Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-85203201202055768892014-11-28T01:41:00.001-06:002014-11-28T01:45:58.240-06:00Thankful<p dir="ltr">When people ask about my life and how I do it with three kids, I always say my life is crazy and I do the best I can. I feel stressed out A LOT and the day to day can be grueling. However, it is never lost on me what a gift this chaos is and how much I am grateful for the lack of privacy and me time. I need to work on not being so hard on myself, my kids, Ben. I need to learn to let things go, have less guilt, less regret. More living in and for the moment, and giving thanks more than just one day out of the year.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I know the day will come that my house is quiet, I'm not needed 500 times a day, I don't need to change diapers and wipe butts. I think about this a lot lately now that Henry is about to turn one. He is the brightest little light, and I could weep thinking about how absolutely amazing and miraculous his presence in our lives is. And add much as he is and always will be my baby, he no longer is a baby and my heart aches in coming to terms with this stage in my life being over. With Emily, I went through a different mourning. With her, it was with sadness that the journey was over before I was ready, but still the teeniest hope that maybe someday..... Now, as much as in my heart I feel like I could have a million children, to know all the beauty, brilliance, wit, humor we could create, to hold, smell, cuddle a brand new little life.... I know that that journey has ended. I am so thankful for the road we traveled because it taught me so much about love, strength and the importance of community. My heart is so full with love, even on the days they make me crazy. I want to give them the world and I hope someday I can.</p>
<p dir="ltr">So of course I've gotten off track... Today was Thanksgiving. Every holiday with children is hectic and overwhelming. I left my mom's thinking, dammit, we didn't get a family picture. And did I get any of the baby on his first thanksgiving? And it just occurred to me his "baby's first Thanksgiving" bib is sitting in his closet.... Sigh.</p>
<p dir="ltr">In any case, amidst the chaos and stress, there is so much love and <u>light</u>, and oh so much to give thanks for.</p>
<p dir="ltr">First of course is family. My darling, beautiful children who fill me with such pride. Noah who is learning to read so quickly, and wanting to read everything, learning what new words mean, remembering all kinds of crazy details.... Emily, who is so funny, witty, silly, sweet... And two going on like 16. Every day I think, omg how is she still only two? She's just brilliant. And then Henry. My little butter ball. Thinks he's a big <u>kid</u>, because he's the size of one. Crawling, cruising, babbling, laughing. Lots of laughing and squealing. And just the most beautiful eyes, smile, dimple. And my husband, who puts up with me... And does so much for us all. The new job, the new schedule, it's been and will continue to be a challenge (especially as he goes permanently to midnights on January) but I think he's happy and I how in the long run it will put us in a better position financially and he week get to a point when he had the opportunity for a better schedule.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I'm also thankful for our extended family, who support us in all we do and help out with the kids when possible. I'm thankful for the friends and coworkers who lift me up, listen to me vent, and are there even when we can't see each other as much as any of is would like. I'm thankful for my health because although it's not perfect, and I'd really rather not have any issues to deal with, it can always be way worse. I am alive and treating my ailments, and for that I am thankful. I'm thankful for random acts of kindness. I'm thankful for good food and a warm house. I'm thankful for a job that, even though the money sucks and the work can be stressful, is meaningful and allows me flexibility and time home with my kids. I'm thankful for learning that I can't be everything to everyone, I can't please everyone, i can only do my best, and only I know what's best for me and my family. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I love that Noah wrapped his heart around the meaning of the day today, proclaiming how thankful he was and wishing everyone a happy Thanksgiving. He told me more than once that he is thankful for his family, his friends, and the earth. He's a wise child, and I hope I can help he see that he can give thanks every day. That he has so much to be thankful for. And hopefully I can continue to remember that everyday too and as life passes by, to be better at pausing to breathe it all in.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Xo</p>
Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-920235561482067742014-10-21T00:34:00.001-05:002014-10-21T00:34:34.173-05:00A time to reflect<p dir="ltr">Ben has officially started working nights and my goal is to finally do more blogging. It's always been something I think about doing but don't because I'm too busy or don't have the energy or desire, but I'm going that now that most of my nights will be solo, I'll find the motivation and take time to reflect.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I love the idea of being a blogger. Of writing things that are witty and touching. I don't really care if anyone reads them but hope to be able to look back one day and have a glimpse of our life. I feel like I've become so dependent on Facebook for that. I put little tidbits of my day, quotes from the kids, a cute picture, a funny story, whatever, there out of was and convenience but those things get buried amidst the other crap I like and share. I want to be able to put my thoughts here. I want to find a way to step back and really breathe in my life and maybe writing about it will help, or will at least help me figure out a way to call with some of the daily struggles of being a working mom and wife.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I feel like I've had a lot on my mind lately. I want to be someone who lives without regret, but my own awareness of that almost feeds the fear of having regrets. Does that make sense? For example, this past weekend was Noah's 6th birthday party. He loved it. We had it at Grounds for Hope in Lisle. He and a few friends enjoyed playing in the treehouse and then we went to the party room for games, cupcake and gifts. I like throwing parties for the kids. I like coming up with cute ideas, like pin the birthday hat on Noah and my diy obstacle course. But with hosting parties, you have to be on and entertaining. There's no time to stop to take pictures or to just pause and watch my boy having fun with his friends... I mean there is time, but in the chaos of the moment, I almost always forget to take those breaths. And them afterward, i do feel a weird variety of regret that I didn't enjoy the moment more....</p>
<p dir="ltr">But that's just one example. I worry about missing the little moments in general. I feel so stressed and ragged so much of the time. Today I worked all day and came home in time for Ben to leave, and then I did dinner, bathed Emily and bedtime, which was done around 9pm. I want to take care of myself. I want to start going to a chiropractor and getting massages. I want to be able to get my nails done or go shopping without feeling like I need to hurry home. But there's no spare time. And on the very rare day when there is free time, I choose to spend it with my family. It's a double edged sword.</p>
<p dir="ltr">And then there is money. I am incredibly frugal. I'm starting to think to a fault. I feel guilty about spending money on myself and often buy several things and and up returning most of them. I don't like the idea of spending money on myself when in the back of my mind, I have dreams of traveling with my family when the kids are a little but older and I wish we could create a slush fund for vacations but we can't because add people with debt, putting money aside for a trip seems irresponsible.</p>
<p dir="ltr">And then I hate that part is me that does get jealous of people who can buy or travel without second thought. So they realize how lucky they are and how I wish I could take my kids to Disney every year too? (I'm not a Disney person, and while I do want to take my kids there sooner than later, I would totally target spend money mixing it up... But that's me.) </p>
<p dir="ltr">I'm at a weird time in my life. I want to just fully wrap myself up in my children and shut everything else out but I need so much to lean on others, even though I have zero free time and much of my human interaction (besides when I'm at work) is done through the computer. But even that has become tiresome. People who make and share their every bad decision and women who can't agree on a girls weekend because it doesn't meet the needs if the entire group... I digress.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I think this is a bit of a vent. Needed to put it to the universe and get it off my chest. So now tomorrow is a new day and I will make every effort to breathe it's sweetness in deeply and take breaks to observe and enjoy the fleeting moments.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Xo, <u>Mindy</u></p>
Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-16647912644814778872014-08-21T23:15:00.001-05:002014-08-21T23:15:16.865-05:00kindergartenwriting and rewriting because i'm feeling such an incredible mix of emotions tonight... i'm going to try it like this...<br />
<br />
***<br />
dear noah,<br />
<br />
tomorrow you start kindergarten. i don't think that has fully sunk in for any of us, just what that means. i can tell you are feeling excitement balanced with an understandable amount of nervousness. i am too. for the longest time i've felt okay about you going to kindergarten, but now as the time has finally come, i'm realizing that my baby is no longer a baby, and that's a hard one for mama to swallow.<br />
<br />
i am excited to watch you take the next step on this amazing journey that is your life. you have become such an incredible boy. there are moments of frustration and emotion that we need to help you to figure out how to better express, but in general you are a kind boy. you love your brother and sister so deeply that it makes my heart ache. you are so bright and imaginative. you craft the most elaborate stories and draw such detailed maps. you are learning to read, understanding math, and take pride in learning new things. you are so eager to learn. like a sponge, you take it all in, and then repeat it back to me when i least expect. if you say i said or did something, i fully believe you. your memory is remarkable and i truly hope that it serves you well as you move forward in school. <br />
<br />
you love life. you love people. you want to make friends and i want you to make friends. i know that this is the real first step on your journey of becoming the person you will be. everything before this did matter, but it was different. you are now entering the bigger world. one where you will share a school with fifth graders. one where you will meet people who you may go to school with until you are 18. one where you will begin to discover who you are and who you want to be.<br />
<br />
but i worry too. i'm your mom, so that's my job. i think part of it is that i can't walk in your shoes, i can't be there to keep an eye on you or see how it goes. i know that in preschool you would sometimes tell me you played by yourself or you'd ask someone to play and they didn't want to. those images are heartbreaking, and i always told myself it wasn't actually that bad but just the interpretation of a child. but what if that happens in kindergarten? or what if you feel too shy or vulnerable to make friends? my saving grace is knowing that our neighbor david is in your class, so you will hopefully feel less alone. and i know what i'm doing is projecting - i was a painfully shy child, and it was terrible. i don't want that for you because i know how hard it is. i don't need you to be mr popular or even have a ton of friends. <br />
<br />
what i mostly want for you is what i didn't have as a child - the confidence to be you and love you and make other people love you. of course, i also want to see you thrive academically, but i know that will be the easy part for you. you know all the basics, letters, numbers, concepts... you can do basic math and are starting to do basic reading. those concrete things are easy to learn. learning to believe in yourself is harder but we know that you can do anything you put your mind to. i want for you to know that WE believe in you and will always be here for you.<br />
<br />
this next step is scary. it's big. it's the end of one chapter, and the beginning of another.... my friend recently blogged about missing the lasts because you never know they are the "last" until it's too late. tonight i knowingly kissed you goodnight for the last time before you wake up in the morning a kindergartener. i smelled your hair and the felt the squish of your cheek on my lips.<br />
<br />
and now i sit here looking at old posts, trying to remember holding you, kissing you for the first time. and i do. even if it's my mind playing tricks on me because i've looked at the pictures a million times.... but i remember crying in the OR when i first laid my eyes on you and later being wheeled into recovery where your daddy was cradling you, looking so lovingly at our little miracle, and then putting you into my arms. it feels like a million year ago. it's hard to believe you will be six in october, yet i feel like i've known you my entire life...<br />
<br />
you have a part of my heart always and forever little boy. i know that you will be safe, you will grow, you will learn. you will continue on the path to becoming an amazing person. we have high expectations for you and i know you will reach them. on this eve of starting kindergarten, i will only allow myself to briefly mourn the past, and will focus on the pride and joy you bring to my heart, and how i look forward to watching you grow and learn in the year(s) to come.<br />
<br />
my love forever,<br />
mommyMindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-86525787616857225722014-07-21T22:46:00.000-05:002014-07-21T22:46:37.507-05:00summertime.......and the living is pretty easy. :) we are keeping busy this summer, but in a real "let's have fun and enjoy our time together" kinda way. and in a "let's try to keep the kids entertained so they don't drive us crazy" kinda way. working part time has really allowed me to appreciate and enjoy summer in a way i haven't been able to in a long time. i remember in years past, i'd be out driving to a meeting or whatever, and see a mom out walking or playing with her kids, and HATING the fact that i had to work and didn't get to play with my kids during the day. don't get me wrong, doing stuff during the day with three kids is exhausting, especially when it's at the cost of a good baby nap, but 30 years from now i won't look back on how well the baby napped, but on the fun times we had in the summer of 2014.<br />
<br />
noah has already done tee ball, critter camp at the lincoln marsh and vacation bible school at grandma and grandpa's church. today he started a two week long swim class, and the week after that he's doing a train camp at the dupage historical society. we decided to keep him in activities for a lot of the summer because we know that in the past he has been a bear by the end of the summer when he hasn't had enough to do outside of the daily routine. i think our plan worked out pretty well. he loved tee ball. he was on the red team (aka the Cubs) under Coach Jenny. tee ball was kind of exhausting for this mama, since in the beginning we had weekly practices and then games sometimes twice a week, and always on days that daddy had to work. doing dinner, getting ready, loading our crap, and getting there on time, especially when a lot of the evenings well into the season (which ended in late June) were pretty chilly. but i'm so glad we did it, because he really enjoyed himself, despite the whole everyone gets to bat, nobody's out, and we only play three innings thing...<br />
<br />
camp and bible school were fun, different activities than he's done before. it was nice for him to have somewhat structured peer interactions with new kids. i have had some worry about him going to kindergarten and not really knowing anyone. total former painfully shy kid projection, i know for sure. even though he has his moments of uncertainty and shyness, he really does engage well with other kids and loves making friends.<br />
<br />
emily has been busy too. she is my little helper. she always wants to help with henry, the laundry, the dishes, cooking. she took a short dance class at the winfield park district. it's funny to see her with other kids because she does love kids, and is actually very outgoing, but does kind of clam up with strangers. she will be going to parents morning out again in the fall, this time two days a week.<br />
<br />
probably since the beginning of summer, emily has been napping in noah's bed, but recently, we have started letting her sleep in his bed at night. the goal has been to get her crib transitioned to a toddler bed before vacation in mid-August. she has done pretty well except for the general pattern of her getting out of bed at least 2-3 times after lights out, song, good night... the worst is when she peeks into henry's room when i'm in there, in the dark nursing him. seeing a shadow moving in the hallway is pretty creepy, even when i know it's her. she has only fallen out of his bed twice, once with a giant thud that made us go running, and the other time just the other night. i'm not even really sure how it happened, but it was 12:30am and i'd been asleep, and i heard her wimping and calling daddyyyyyy. we went in there to find her squeezed between the bed and side table, with her head stuck under the bed. i had to pull pretty hard to get the poor thing out. somehow, there wasn't a mark on her.<br />
<br />
henry is "awesome" as emily would say with a little lisp. at seven months old, he continues to be truly the best baby. he is the dream for a third child. along for the ride, happy as can be. he is very predictable in when he is hungry or tired. he's not a great napper, but then, we don't have the most consistent schedule. i feel like if we were up and out at the same time every day, we could get him in a better nap schedule, but somedays he wakes for the day at 7:00 and other days he wakes, eats, and falls back asleep. in any case, he is a great night time sleeper, very rarely waking at night. he is a rock star breastfeeder, but he's in the super distracted phase, which can be really annoying, especially in public.<br />
<br />
he has his first two teeth, which came in within days of each other the week he turned six months. he also started solid foods the week he turned six months. the first few days, he seemed to enjoy it but wouldn't open his mouth. by day three, he had it figured out, and now eats so voraciously that i can't keep up! he loves puffs and will eat table foods like eggs and bread.<br />
<br />
like the other two, it took awhile but he is finally rolling all over town. i'd say within the last week, week and a half, he's really mastered it, and it's funny to watch this giant child roll around his crib. he is longer now than the crib is wide, and i'm afraid he's gonna get himself wedged in there. even though he's rolling now, he's yet to start sleeping on his belly like noah & emily did. he's like his mom, more of a side sleeper. <br />
<br />
he loves his exersaucer, and just today i noticed that he's tall enough that he can stand up flat footed in it. he LOVES music and thinks it's hilarious when i dance. his chuckle is incredible. he babbles and coos and smiles all.the.time. he truly is such a happy baby, and he ADORES his brother and sister, and they adore him too. they are so gentle and kind to him. it really makes me happy to see them giving him toys or feeding him puffs or even just talking or singing to him.<br />
<br />
we have done a lot of fun family outings this summer too. we went to the train museum in union, il, the airshow in rockford, the pool in west chicago, the beach in st joe, michigan, the lincoln park zoo, a cubs game, a cougars game, the memorial day parade, the 4th of july parade, the movie theater, the bowling alley.... and ben built the kids a swing set. and it's only the middle of july! :)<br />
<br />
as for us grown ups, life is crazy busy. my working part time since returning from leave in march has been working out well, with minimal need for child care. i'm home on tuesdays, fridays, and wednesday afternoons. a few weeks ago however, ben started a new job, dispatching for the addison police department. the pay is slightly less for now, but the long term opportunity for growth is excellent. plus it has great insurance! for the next few months, he is training and his schedule will be shifting every few weeks. the hope is that his permanent schedule starting in the fall will be 6:30pm to 2:30am, and i will be able to slightly adjust my schedule to working mon 9-5, wed 8-12, & thur 9-5.<br />
<br />
we have tried to have a few mommy/daddy night outings too. we we to see ray lamontage and the dave matthews band. we went out for dinner for our anniversary. maybe that was it. lol. but we're fine with that for now. our focus is on our family, as it should be. do i wish i had more time/money/energy to do stuff? sure, but when i have to pay a baby sitter on top of whatever money i'm spending going out, the desire to go drops dramatically. plus i'm just really friggin tired by the end of the week, and the idea of putting my pants back on and leaving the house is so unappealing! i'm content to be a lame middle aged housewife and mother, living in a messy house, with dirty kids, because at least those dirty kids are happy and enjoying life. Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-43988747158651422802014-06-20T23:05:00.002-05:002014-07-17T22:30:01.746-05:00my 4th trimester bodyi don't consider what i did today especially brave. yes, i was photographed in my undies for all the world to see (at least, those who puruse facebook, instagram, and the internet), but in all honesty, that was the easy part.<br>
<br>
i thought on it for a long time... would i? could i? what would ben think? what would other people think? i became OBSESSED with ashlee wells jackson's 4th trimester bodies project (http://4thtrimesterbodies.com/), a concept that started so small with just one picture, and has snowballed into sometime absolutely incredible that is being received worldwide.<br>
<br>
at first i was like, wow this is cool. these chicks are so confident, so *brave* (that word again) to get in their skivvies (or less, in some cases) and put it allllll out there. but as time went on, i was pregnant with henry at the time, i started to realize the meaning of the project really hit home with me.<br>
<br>
"dedicated to embracing the beauty inherent in the changes brought to our bodies by childbirth, motherhood, and breastfeeding."<br>
<br>
my body is forever changed. my life is forever changed. i've said it before, i'll say it again, i KNOW how lucky i am. i am grateful for the opportunity to be a mom. that i was able to conceive, carry & deliver, albeit with quite a bit of intervention, but nonetheless.<br>
<br>
i will take the stretch marks and scars. the saggy boobs and "i need mom jeans" belly. i look at my babies and i am grateful that they gave me this body.<br>
<br>
so i reached out to ashlee. i wanted to have my picture taken. email was the first step. but then she gave me a date and asked me to pay the donation fee to participate, and then it was confirmed. and that was that. i didn't give it a lot of thought. i mean i thought about how i wanted to tell my story (which by the way, why do things NEVER come out as eloquently in real life as when you rehearse them in your mind?), i took time to find some nice new undergarments to wear, i prepped the kids for this silly thing we were gonna do in our undies, i got my mom to come along to help out, but i really never stressed about the image i would be putting out there.<br>
<br>
am i 100% body confident? is anybody? no, you won't see me in a crop top or bikini because i a 35 year old mother of three who does not find the need to do so. (but yes, i will pop my boob out just about anywhere to feed my kid, not for any sort of shock value, but because the bugger is hungry and that's what boobs are for, duh.)<br>
<br>
i think for me i latch onto things i believe in. i learn about them. i become passionate about them, and i think that's important, and unfortunately somewhat lacking in our culture. people pass the time talking about the stupid reality crap they watched on tv last night, but nobody ever wants to shoot the shit about politics, science and medicine, positive body image and breastfeeding, etc.<br>
<br>
i think for me i became passionate about the idea of embracing my body and trying to inspire others to do the same. i'm out there about so many things that are important to me because i truly hope the honesty of my words and experiences can help others. and if by putting my 90% naked body out there and saying, "yeah i look pretty damn good for having three kids even with that belly and those stretch marks" helps one person look at them self in a more positive way, that i've succeeded.<br>
<br>
**<br>
our appointment today was at 10am in the city. we left at 8am just to be safe. there was NO traffic and we were early for once! we walked around a bit and the kids colored with chalk in front of ashlee's house/studio. when it was time, we climbed the steep stairs to the studio where photographer ashlee and hair/makeup artist laura greeted us. ashlee gave us the low down and showed the kids where they could play, and i was immediately ushered into the other room to get my hair and makeup done. i felt so calm and comfortable with these amazing gals. we chatted about laura's roommate who doesn't do the dishes, ashlee's car getting tagged with spray paint last night and how stuff like that doesn't happen two blocks from the mayor, and about ashlee's daughter nova's early intervention services after i told them i was a service coordinator. i tried to nurse henry while laura did my hair, but mister man was so distracted, so interested in everything that was going on, it was a lost cause.<br>
<br>
from there, i sat on a stool in front of a white photography backdrop in my black tank top, a small mic attached to my bra. ashlee instructed me that she was going to ask me a few basic questions and then a few open ended question, all of which would be video recorded. my name, where i'm from, my age, my kids names and ages. tell me about your story, pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood. in that moment, all the thoughts i wanted to convey were out of my head, and i just rambled. the kids were getting kind of impatient and bored, so it probably didn't help that i kept getting distracted my them during my interview. in any case, i was able to share my story, one i've told a million times, but this time in a way that will reach an infinitely wider audience. i cried of course talking about IVF and how grateful i am for my kids, because that's what i do. laura was quick to bring me tissue and then to touch up my make up when the interview was done.<br>
<br>
ashlee took my picture, a head shot, first. me, this moment in time. looking far fancier than a girl in a black tank top should, but nonetheless, me.<br>
<br>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2jRbGl8xXak/U6T9ltsDCpI/AAAAAAAAAeI/x2gBUEsdgXU/s1600/mindy+headshot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2jRbGl8xXak/U6T9ltsDCpI/AAAAAAAAAeI/x2gBUEsdgXU/s1600/mindy+headshot.jpg" height="213" width="320"></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"> photo courtesy of ashlee wells jackson, 4th trimester bodies project</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
and then it was time. noah and emily and henry and i, down to almost nothing. but i felt fearless. the interview was the hard part. ashlee made it easy to feel comfortable and at ease, and let's be honest, my kids have seen me in my undies, my mom has seen me in far more compromising situations... this was easy.<br>
<br>
ashlee put the kids in position, emily standing on a stool next to me, noah instructed to hug me. the kids touching the baby, kissing one another, smiling at me. they were a dream. they listened to her instructions and were sweet as pie. and henry... he was a giant ham. just perfection.<br>
<br>
and as soon as it started, it was done. she repositioned the kids maybe twice, click, clicked away, for a few minutes, and that was it! the kids and i got dressed, henry ate a bit more, and we waited for ashlee to upload the pictures, and pull out her favorites.<br>
<br>
she narrowed the pictures down to about 12. it was overwhelming in that moment to make a decision, but as we narrowed the list, i just went with my gut. once we were down to the last few, i couldn't decide. ashlee had a favorite but mom and i were leaning toward another. we decided that this would be my official shot:<br>
<br>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-P3s7i4vqkRA/U6UAesQdIKI/AAAAAAAAAeU/Jm_7ap3XXx4/s1600/mindy+final.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-P3s7i4vqkRA/U6UAesQdIKI/AAAAAAAAAeU/Jm_7ap3XXx4/s1600/mindy+final.jpg" height="213" width="320"></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"> photo courtesy of ashlee wells jackson, 4th trimester bodies project</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">this one struck me because i loved the way the kids were doting on their baby. i wish noah's arm wasn't hiding his smile, but this is them. they love henry, they love each other. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">ashlee was kind enough to give me a "bonus" photo since i had such a hard time choosing, and i think this one was her favorite from the day:</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pKPUDHvIhSE/U6UCdw0ETZI/AAAAAAAAAeg/Zoui7d8KjRI/s1600/mindy+bonus.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pKPUDHvIhSE/U6UCdw0ETZI/AAAAAAAAAeg/Zoui7d8KjRI/s1600/mindy+bonus.jpg" height="213" width="320"></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> photo courtesy of ashlee wells jackson, 4th trimester bodies project</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">**</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">i want to thank everyone who encouraged me and cheered for me for choosing to participate in this project. doing so wasn't brave, it was real. it was about embracing it and empowering other, but also about teaching my children that there is beauty in all people, regardless of shape, size, color, ability. that "perfection" isn't real. real is real. love yourself as you are. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">xo. </span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Here is the official 4th trimester bodies project post: 4thtrimesterbodies.com/mindy.koechling</span></span></div>
Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-38092131033791260462014-01-17T00:09:00.003-06:002014-01-17T00:09:36.285-06:00One MonthToday my Henry is a month old. Where did that month go? I remembered that the early weeks would be a blur and fly by, but that went SO fast! I'm sad that my little man isn't a newborn anymore! <br />
<br />
My little bug, little bear, Henry Hugaboo, Henny, Hank, Hankenstein, Hank and Beans (poor kid) -- he has become much more alert and awake in the past week or so. He is still dealing with the symptoms of his (presumed) HS. His blood work yesterday came back with his hemoglobin at 7, which is significantly low, but the hemotologist we saw at Lurie's doesn't feel it is necessary to transfuse him at this point. We will recheck his counts next week, and hope they have improved. He loves to sit up and face out, watches his brother and sister intently, and man, do they adore him! His head control is unreal, and his eye contact is fantastic. And then there's the occasional gas smile that shows off that phenomenal dimple!!<br />
<br />
He is a powerhouse when it comes to eating. I've been tracking when he nurses and for how long... some days are better than others, but for the most part, he is nursing every 1.5 to 2 hours during the day, and 2 to 3 hours (sometimes a tad longer) at night. We have an appointment with the pediatrician in a few days to check his weight and I am a little concerned. At our last appointment (two weeks ago now), he was up to 8lb 15oz, but when I stepped on the scale with him a day or two ago, he was only up to 9lbs. He still looks yellow to us, but he is eating a lot, peeing, and pooping fine, so I shouldn't be too worried, but you can never know with breastfeeding what he is actually getting.<br />
<br />
And then there's his suspected lip tie (and possible tongue tie). I have an appointment for Henry in a week and a half with the pediatric dentist that I took Emily too to have her lip tie revised. He is nursing much better than either of the kids did, and I have had zero nipple damage (thankfully), but he has had a lot of issues with gassiness and seems to have some silent reflux. Both are common symptoms of lip/tongue ties. I'm hopeful that getting the revision(s) done with help elleviate his tummy issues and also help him gain weight more quickly, but I'm also nervous to have the revision done with his hemoglobin is still low. <br />
<br />
Noah and Emily are doing relatively well. Noah has moments that I want to lock him in his room - we've had lots of issues with yelling, talking back, general naughtiness. In the early weeks, I'm sure it was because he was bored. Now that he's back to school, I think it's gotten better, but pops up as a manifestation of exhaustion. Emily has similar moments, but it's the terrible twos. Not getting her way, usually. We (briefly) converted the crib to a toddler bed, and that didn't go well. She wouldn't stay in bed, and in fact the other night climbed in bed and fell asleep with Noah. Made for a cute pic, but the crib was reinstated the next day for my own sanity.<br />
<br />
I so wanted to be super stay at home mom to three kids, and do it all right off the bat. Then reality hit me - I'm only a few weeks in, and I have plenty of time to figure this out. For now, I'm just trying to enjoy my time home with my kids. :)Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-22758334534070080752014-01-01T23:15:00.003-06:002014-01-01T23:15:48.957-06:00Henry's first few days: Birth story part twoI keep telling myself to write about our time in the hospital with Henry since last time, it took like a year to write part two of Emily's birth story. So here's my attempt to remember something that already seems like a distant memory..<br />
<br />
Henry was born on a Monday. The afternoon he was born, I snuggled the hell out of him. I'm pretty sure Ben held him a few times, but mostly I didn't want to share. After the initial meeting, everyone went home, and Ben and I just enjoyed a few hours alone with him. Mom came to visit, the kids came back, and Julie & Scott. At some point in the evening, Ben and I discussed that he was looking a little yellow, and the nurse must have agreed. <br />
<br />
Shortly after he was born, I asked about testing his bilirubin levels, given our past experience with Noah & Em, and the correlation between the significant early onset of jaundice and hereditary spherocytosis (HS). We were told there was some new way of testing bili levels, and it wouldn't be done until 24 hours old. 24 hours!? Noah was in the lights by 18 or so hours! Of course, it probably didn't help that by the time we got to our room, the peds had already rounded, so I couldn't even consult with him or her about my concerns. Plus, I was too damn exahusted to fight it.<br />
<br />
But anyway, that first night nurse must have seen the coloring in him that we did, and ordered the test early, at about 13 hours, I believe. His counts were elevated, but not significantly enough that it was concerning. <br />
<br />
Tuesday morning was my first frustration. The ped who was on that day was someone we had never seen. I was so frustrated that it wasn't our primary guy, who would literally have seen our name and known our history. The ped seemed to kind of brush of our concerns, even as I retold our experience with how sick Noah got, how fast, and how they instilled in us in the fear of NICU time and brain damange. She wanted to give him more time, and ordered his bili levels be retested at 4pm.<br />
<br />
That afternoon, Ben's parents and the kids visited. And of course, that's when the test results came in. It was like a blur. The neonatologist and nurses and bili lights and a friggin NICU isolette. The neonatologist was extremely concerned with his levels (yeah, no shit - I told them I was concerned yesterday) and said he needed to be in the lights and get his bili to stop rising or he was going to the NICU. Of course, at that, I lost it. I just fucking gave birth and now you are taking my baby from me. Even without having him go to the NICU, the horror of our experience with Noah came rushing back. Noah didn't breastfeed well, nor could he, since we could only have him out of the lights for 20 minutes at a time. We couldn't hold him, snuggle him, love on him like most people could their newborn baby. <br />
<br />
And the neonatologist has the audacity to ask me what I'm concerned about. I can't even talk. I'm so upset, I just shake my head. He says something to the effect of "this is what it is, we have to just treat it", and I hear him calling me an idiot. No shit, we have to treat it. And by the way, I feel like fucking shit because my kid, my newborn baby, my freaking miracle child that I never even dreamed could be, is sick because of ME. Because of a blood disorder that he has inherited from ME. So don't tell me, you cocky son-of-a-bitch that it is what it is, because I know what it is. I live it. I have two kids who live it. I have one kid who was seriously ill at birth and required a blood transfusion the day he turned a month old. Jackass.<br />
<br />
So anyway, I lose my shit. Hysterical ugly crying while they turn the lights on, get little yellow Henry naked, put on his little superhero mask, and load him into his new bed. And that thing was out of control. We could open little doors to touch him and talk to him. It was heated so at least he wasn't cold. (Except for the couple times he was HOT because the isolette reset to like 95 degrees...) The neonatologist ordered the bili levels retested at 9pm, I think, and said that it was over 13, he would have to go to the NICU.<br />
<br />
The plan was that Ben was going home each night, in an attempt to keep life as normal as possible for Noah and Emily. This night, he went home and did dinner and bed. I called mom, hysterical, begging her to sit at the house with the kids so Ben could come back to the hospital, which of course she did, but in the meantime, Julie sat with me at the hospital til Ben came. <br />
<br />
Thank god, after his test that night, his level was at 12.8 so no NICU for Henry. I don't know what I would have done. I'm pretty sure I would have signed myself out of mother/baby and set up shop downstairs.<br />
<br />
So Wednesday... I'm doing my best to only keep Henry out of the lights the allotted 20 minutes at a time. Hard to do when you're trying to establish breastfeeding with a guy who initially wasn't super interested, and then that first day (before the lights) would kinda just hang out and nibble for an hour or so at a time. I tried to stay on an ever three hour schedule, but sometimes it was closer to 1.5 - 2 hours if he started getting fussy. So when the nurse comes in Weds morning (must've been early cuz I'm pretty sure it was my night nurse) and tells me the neonatologist wants me to supplement after feeds, I'm upset, annoyed, and frustrated.<br />
<br />
**Now sidebar, the perks of being a third time mom, I know what I want and when and where to stand my ground. Been around the block a few times....**<br />
<br />
I know that this little guy needs to excrete to get the bilirubin out of his system, and supplementation is often recommended to get babies peeing and pooping more. But the reality is, his stomach is the size of a grape (if that) at this point, so you're telling me to breastfeed for 15ish minutes and then supplement up to 45ml? (45ml is an ounce and a half, FYI) Yes, my milk isn't in yet at this point, but I have told every nurse that I only stopped nursing Emily four months ago, and every nurse has commented that my milk will come that much faster.<br />
<br />
So when nurse tells me he wants me to supplement, I get weepy, but then the frustration takes over and I say no. It doesn't feel right, you know? They wanted me to supplement with Emily and I think I gave her formula once, and was so mad about it, and after that gave her pumped BM to supplement. And with Noah, hell. We didn't know any better and it was so hard to BF in such a short amount of time that I just pumped and we gave him formula.<br />
<br />
Thankfully, the nurse had my back, and supported my right to make the decision that was right for me. (I think she was the just about 40 wk pregnant nurse, who I'm sure was up on her shit.) I think it was at that point we discussed pumping and supplementing with that, and the nurse brought me a pump.<br />
<br />
It occurred to me a little later that I still had frozen BM from March in the freezer at home. I asked the new nurse, my day nurse, her thoughts on supplementing with frozen BM and she said she'd check with lactation. (I later found out that nurse didn't know much about dealing with BM.... hold that thought.) She spoke to lactation, who spoke to the new neonatologist who was on, and go the order changed to supplementing with expressed or frozen BM. Bam bitches, that's how it's done.<br />
<br />
(So that thought you were holding... yeah, the nurse was all "we have a special thing for defrosting breast milk". Awesome I think, cuz that usually takes forever. But she took the biggest bag (6.5oz), defrosted it, and then heated it, effectively making whatever I didn't use in that first feeding garbage. I took about 1oz out to feed Henry, and then was like, hm, now what do I do with the milk, so I called LC, who told me that it was garbage if it wasn't used within an hour or so. But I kind of read her, and let her know that I was one to err on the side of "how long is it really good for?"... she smiled and said something that let me know I was okay to put it back on ice and use it a few more times.)<br />
<br />
So I pumped occasionally, and I supplemented with expressed and frozen milk when Henry would take it, but you can't MAKE a kid take a bottle, especially after 15 minutes on the boobs. He would latch well, and I could keep him going, and get him to do about 10 min on each side. I was a little lax with the 20 min thing, again, third time in this rodeo, and while yeah, I knew he NEEDED to be in the lights, I also knew an extra few minutes here and there was okay. He pee and poopy diapers on Wed were very concerning. Maybe two pees and one poop in 12 hours.<br />
<br />They checked his levels every 12 hours or so. Usually 4pm and 4am. Ben charted them so we could keep a visual on when he was at. His bilirubin level showed that he was responding well to the lights. I much preferred the ped that was on Weds (as well as Thurs). We didn't know her well, but she was clearly very proactive and respectful of the fact that we knew what we were talking about.<br />
<br />
On Thursday, we got a little bit of a break. For several hours, Henry was only on half the lights and we could have him out of the bed for up to 40min at time. (All along, I had been requesting getting a bili blanket and being allowed to have him out for more than 20 min, in part selfishly, but primarily because it seemed counter intuitive to say he needs to eat more so he can pee and poop more, but you are limited to 20 min feedings.) After the afternoon bili check, they turned the top light back on and reduced us to 20 min again, since his level went back up.<br />
<br />
On Thursday night, the ped called after hours and told me that she believed he would be discharged with me the next day and was looking into helping us obtain a bili blanket for home if it was needed. The nurses said the social worker at the hospital would take care of getting that set up if needed.<br />
<br />Friday morning, discharge day. Initially we were told he was well enough to take out of the lights, but later the ped decided he needed to stay in the lights until we went home. They wanted to do sort of a baseline bili count right before we walked out the door, and then recheck it at the ped's office the next day to see where it rebounded to without the lights.<br />
<br />
The managing nurse visited and told me that she had 16 moms being discharged that day - we'd heard that L&D had been crazy earlier in the week, as there was a snow storm and a full moon on Tuesday (not to mention our guess that some OBs probably scheduled inductions and c-sections to be done before Christmas). The nurse told us that she was telling everyone else to plan on leaving by noon, but we were an exception and that we could leave when the doctors gave us the okay. As much as I appreciated the "special treatment", I was jealous of the 15 other moms who were getting the boot.<br />
<br />
Anyways, we finally got word that they were going to draw Henry's blood around 2pm, and then we could go. We were home that day by 3pm! <br />
<br />
The next day (Saturday), we went to the ped for blood work (which took wayyyy longer than necessary and they didn't even have the previous day's "baseline" on file), and that afternoon, we waited for the call to let us know his bili level and what, if anything, we needed to do next. They never freaking called! We have never had issues with our ped at all, so we were pretty pissed when we called them and got the answering service. So you'd better believe I told Ben to leave a message with the answering service because this was pretty friggin important... When the doctor (different from the one we'd seen that day) called back, she said they wanted to see him back in two days to recheck. I don't recall what the count was, but I remember feeling like it had gone up significantly from where it had been the morning before. <br />
<br />
Ben took Henry back to the ped two days later (Monday), again for blood work. He made sure to let them know we were upset and disappointed that we never got a call on Saturday, and hoped that wouldn't happen again. When the nurse called with the count later that day, it had gone down a bit, and she said they didn't need to retest it since we were going to the hematologist in another week. <br />
<br />
Of course, that appointment was two days ago, and they only checked his hemoglobin and reticulocyte count, and NOT his bilirubin. UGH. But I am taking him back to the ped tomorrow, and will ask them to check his bili again... I will say though, his color is so much better and his awake and alert time seems to be increasing by the day.<br />
<br />
SO, that is the crazy story of Mr Henry's first few days. I guess it's good that all three of my kids have had similar paths and that I know enough to handle it and be able to stand my ground. It doesn't make it easier, having to watch your baby be poked so many times, and not have all those first days snuggles, but at least it's our status quo. We have nothing else to compare it to, and as I've said before, if this is the worst "illness" my children ever have to battle, I'll take it.<br />
<br />
<3 br=""></3>Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-72609485810039664552013-12-20T01:09:00.004-06:002013-12-20T01:14:53.699-06:00Henry's birth story: part oneThis is Henry.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bnkxI48JlfA/UrO46CdBxFI/AAAAAAAAAcs/jCisaXlQntw/s1600/hck2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bnkxI48JlfA/UrO46CdBxFI/AAAAAAAAAcs/jCisaXlQntw/s320/hck2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Henry Charles Koechling was born on Monday, December 16, 2013 at 10:50am. He was 8lb, 5oz and 21 inches. This is the story of his birth and first few days thus far:<br />
<br />
Julie came to the house to stay with the kids on Monday morning. We were supposed to get to the hospital by 8:00, but as is our norm, we were running late. It worked out well though, because we were able to see Noah and Emily in the morning and take a last "family of four" picture. The kids were well prepared for the day, since we've been talking about the plan for over a week. They were happy to see Julie and have her help them get ready for the day, and Emily was especially excited to show her our Elf on the Shelf, "Christmas". "Wook, Juey!" she hollered.<br />
<br />
We got to the hospital around 8:30, apologized for being late, and quickly signed consent forms. My nurse Z (Zardeen, I think?) took us to our labor & delivery room to prep for surgery. From there, things went pretty quickly. The nurse who came in to do my IV was my L&D nurse from when Emily was born, Amanda. I told her that, and she said she remembered me. BS, but sweet girl, thanks for only poking me twice to get that line in...<br />
<br />
Only about ten minutes behind schedule, we headed to the OR shortly after 10am. Z & I dropped Ben and our stuff in the recovery room, and that's when I got emotional. I had already warned Z I was a crier.<br />
<br />
We walked to the freezing cold OR and, still crying, I sat on the table. Another nurse tried to engage me, and she gave me a weird vibe, which Z must've recognized because she came over and put her hands on my knees while I was prepped for my spinal. When it was time for the spinal and I was instructed to curl my back into a C, still crying, I leaned forward and Z put her forehead on mine and held my hands. Love her.<br />
<br />
Within seconds, the spinal made my legs feel warm and heavy and I remember laying on the table reminding myself not to even try to move my legs, because I knew that either the creepy tingly feeling or the complete lack of response would gross me out. Once I laid down, I started shaking a little. Not nearly as bad as after my epidural with Noah - that was teeth chattering to the point my jaw hurt. This might have been slightly med related, but I think it was primarily nerves. The wrapped my neck and arms in warm blankets, and after a while, I was able to calm myself and the shaking slowly stopped.<br />
<br />
I lie on the table staring at the tile on the ceiling, trying to just breathe and relax. The whole idea of being conscious for surgery is creepy, and add to that the emotion of knowing that your baby is about to be born... it's an overwhelming feeling. Plus in the back of my mind, I'm trying to stay cognizant of how I am feeling physically. The anesthesiologist said it was important to let him know if I felt light headed, dizzy, or nauseous. What I mainly felt was nervous.<br />
<br />
Before they started, what was making me the most uncomfortable was something that I did remember from my c-section with Emily, but I didn't really remember how bad the sensation was. With a spinal, the numbness goes to your chest, and you get the sensation of feeling like you're having trouble breathing because you can't feel your chest rise. I had a nasal canula in, and tried to inhale the oxygen and keep my breathes steady. The warm blankets on my neck were starting to feel heavy on my throat, and I felt claustraphobic. Two or three times, I asked the nurses to moves them to a different position, but finally I just asked them to take them off completely. I was no longer shaking or shivering, and had otherwise calmed down, so the literal weight off my chest helped me breathe more easily.<br />
<br />
They brought Ben in and got started. He grabbed my hand and I think I might have started crying again. So many emotions, but finally the fear and nervousness were replaced, and I felt a sense of calm and comfort when I knew Ben was there.<br />
<br />
From starting surgery to getting the baby out is pretty quick. We knew it wouldn't be long before he would be here. Casual talk amongst the doctors and nurses, pressure on my abdomen, the announcement that baby was almost here... and then pressure. A LOT of pressure. And then urgency. Doctor asks for the vacuum, which of course instantly makes me nervous, because I guess I've never thought of the vacumm with a c-section, and a lot of women are fearful of needing a vacuum with a vaginal delivery. When the vacuum wasn't readily available, I could hear the urgency and frustration in his voice - get the vacumm, why is it not out and ready to go, turn it on, turn it up. And then an excrutiating amount of pressure, and the assisting OBs elbow literally in my face from the other side of the curtain. He was pushing, pushing, PUSHING to get the baby out, and it felt like it was taking way too long. I was scared. Why was it taking so long and WHY was it so hard to get him out? Is he okay, is he stuck, is there danger in the fact that I am cut open and they are pushing and pulling to get him out and he is NOT coming?<br />
<br />
Finally, a wail. My baby is out, and he is pissed. I completely started bawling. Ugly cry bawling. He is screaming non-stop and in that moment, it is the greatest thing I think I have ever heard.<br />
<br />
Briefly, the assisting OB pops him around the curtain to show him to us, and he is beautiful and loud. I am happy.<br />
<br />
A few minutes later, after inital vitals and APGARS, they bring him to me. The nurse lays him on my left shoulder, with his head on my chest near my chin. I reach my right arm across my body and rub his little forehead. For the first time ever, I am holding my minutes old newborn. He is so beautiful and perfect. I am so lucky.<br />
<br />
It felt like a brief time but I am grateful for that experience, and I'm pretty sure (at least I hope) there are some pictures. Holding him for the first time in there was so sweet. After probably several minutes, Z told me she was going to take Ben and the baby to recovery, and they'd see me soon. Once they left, I felt tired, suddenly very emotionally exhausted. I wanted to just close my eyes and rest, but then I thought maybe it wasn't normal to feel like I wanted to sleep in surgery. I announced that I was tired, and they told me that was normal. Okay, I thought, then I'll rest. But then.... nausea. Gross. I let them know i feel nauseous - after all they have been pushing with a great deal of force on my abdomen and are currently repositioning my internal organs.... the anesthesiologist gives me a puke bucket and tells me he's giving me Zofran in my IV to help. Dry heaves and then vomit. I feel better.<br />
<br />
Before I know it, surgery is done. The nurses move me from the OR table to the bed, and wheel me in to recovery. I am pretty sure I am crying or about to cry at this point. I see Ben there with the baby, and I'm definitely crying. <br />
<br />
I felt good in recovery. It didn't seem like we were there long, but in retrospect I feel like I might have been a little out of it cuz I kind of don't remember a ton now. I did try to latch him on to nurse, but I don't think he did much in recovery. (It took several hours before he really showed interest.) I do know I held him and snuggled him and kissed him all over while Ben took pictures. I made sure the nurse knew I didn't want him to go to the nursery for a bath because we wanted the kids to meet him right away. I made sure Ben texted mom and Julie and his parents to let them know we were in recovery and when we were getting ready to go upstairs. The nurse told us that she had talked to the nurse in Mother Baby and explained that we wanted a brief visit with our family before baby went to the nursery and she was agreeable. I held Henry as I was wheeled to elevator and up to Mother Baby.<br />
<br />
Once settled in our room, Ben texted his parents to see if they were in the unit, since they had been elsewhere at the hospital doing something work related. Ben and I decided that rather than having just the kids come in, that we would just have everyone come it right away.<br />
<br />
The kids came right over to the bed to see their new baby. I told them (and everyone else) his name was Henry Charles, and they said hi to him and examined his little face. (I'm looking forward to watching the video of their meeting.) Poor Emily was clearly ready for nap, but she was a trooper and hung in there. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qPkvuWbZFSM/UrPrSLNovrI/AAAAAAAAAdU/D4rN--MtR74/s1600/hck6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qPkvuWbZFSM/UrPrSLNovrI/AAAAAAAAAdU/D4rN--MtR74/s320/hck6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
We asked if they wanted to hold him, and they both scrambled onto the little couch in the corner. Emily held him first. She was so sweet and so gentle. When Ben asked her to give him a kiss, she rested her little cheek on his head. She gazed at him so sweetly, and in that moment, I knew she understood that THIS was her baby brother, and not my tummy or belly button.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zRWbR8VqdZU/UrPq8T39ZQI/AAAAAAAAAc4/8NimWVij-AQ/s1600/hck3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zRWbR8VqdZU/UrPq8T39ZQI/AAAAAAAAAc4/8NimWVij-AQ/s320/hck3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gV7mYHDrbtw/UrPq8T889tI/AAAAAAAAAc8/zNS1w7hz8ik/s1600/hck4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gV7mYHDrbtw/UrPq8T889tI/AAAAAAAAAc8/zNS1w7hz8ik/s320/hck4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Next it was Noah's turn to hold Henry. Emily was NOT happy about having to give him up and cried "no, mine". Noah was equally sweet and gentle, but he's a pro at being a big brother. Still, it was so sweet to see the way he looked at his new baby.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jxdBcr769CU/UrPuPZOwHHI/AAAAAAAAAdo/MykvO8PVjb4/s1600/hck7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jxdBcr769CU/UrPuPZOwHHI/AAAAAAAAAdo/MykvO8PVjb4/s320/hck7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gGWCq5dua2Q/UrPrSHqWfaI/AAAAAAAAAdI/HnKAuxpXf8o/s1600/hck5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gGWCq5dua2Q/UrPrSHqWfaI/AAAAAAAAAdI/HnKAuxpXf8o/s320/hck5.jpg" width="212" /></a> </div>
<br />
As the kids were finishing up holding him, the nurse came in and announced that she had to take him to the nursery. Without so much as letting me take a breathe, she said he'd be back in 45 minutes and whisked him away. I felt bad that gaga and grandma and grandpa had barely gotten more than a look let alone to hold him, but they all seemed to understand. I offered for them to stay and wait, but insisted the kids get home to take a nap. Everyone decided to leave, and I took the next half hour to update the world via text message and Facebook that the boy was here!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WRNmmn5mALs/UrPtLxA5lfI/AAAAAAAAAdc/g6hT_oUDAdA/s1600/hck1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WRNmmn5mALs/UrPtLxA5lfI/AAAAAAAAAdc/g6hT_oUDAdA/s320/hck1.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-30631103491608976062013-12-16T00:53:00.001-06:002013-12-20T01:11:17.471-06:00one last time as a family of fourthere aren't really words that i have for how i'm feeling tonight. it is 12:23 am. we have to be at the hospital at 8:00, with my c-section scheduled for 10:00. i will be 39 weeks, 4 days.<br />
<br />
there are times when this pregnancy has flown by and others where i feel like it's gone on forever. i honestly still think i'm in denial. i'm clearly pregnant. the "i didn't know i was pregnant" concept still blows my mind. my cervix screams everytime this giant child moves, and unlike his big brother and sister, he makes my belly move in the most unreal ways. tonight we thought for sure he'd punch a hole through my right side and come jumping out.<br />
<br />
noah and emily are very excited. i know noah remembers when emily was born, and i'm fairly certain that emily is only somewhat aware of what is actually happening. in recent weeks, i do think it has started to make a little more sense to her. she asked me a few days ago "baby brother is coming out soon?" clearly we talk about it regularly, and tonight prepped them for how their day and week will go with mommy away. noah is fine with it. emily follows his lead.<br />
<br />
when i stop to think about the gravity of how life is going to change...... i just paused for about 15 seconds, because i don't really know how to finish that. infertility was always such a huge part of our story, and i feel like it always will be. noah asked tonight (for like the 2nd or 3rd time recently) how the baby got in my belly, but quickly shifted to how did he get in my belly and did the doctor put him there. that is a much easier one to answer, because yes my child, the doctor did put you in there....<br />
<br />
i still have friends struggling with infertility and it breaks my heart all over again when someone shares another failed cycle. but i am reminded that i have paid my dues, four years and four IVF cycles worth, to be exact, and i know that i would do it all again to wind up here, ten hours from having my miracle "freebie" that i never really dreamed possible.<br />
<br />
i was so mad after emily was born that my body made the decision that we were done having kids. did i want three because i really wanted three, or did i want three because i knew i couldn't have three? but then when three became our new reality, the initial excited "oh shit!", quickly became a terrified "oh shit..." and i feel like i've waivered back and forth between the two in recent days, as i did in those first weeks of my pregnancy.<br />
<br />
we've figured out a lot of the logistics- minivan, big kids sharing a bedroom, me going to part time in the spring (20 hours a week - working monday and thursday, and a half day on wednesday), and ben changing his schedule to acconmodate mine and eliminate the need for child care.... money is still going to be tight, and that's something ben and i will have to actively work on and adjust to. we have the stuff- i kept everything for the big kids and feel so fortunate for that.<br />
<br />
it's the physically, mentally and emotionally juggling parenting three kids under five that i'm most nervous about. i hope my fuse grows longer over the next several months and that noah's recent bratiness and emily's recent two-year-old-ness improve. i hope i am physically able to keep up with all of them and still have something left at the end of the day. i hope my RA stays quiet. i don't want to have to worry about that on top of everything else, especially since last time i saw the rheumatologist was AGES ago, and she encouraged me to wean emily from nursing by 12 months so i could go on some stronger meds. (for the record, i got pregnant whilst breastfeeding when emily was 15 months old, and didn't wean until she was 20 months and i was 20 weeks pregnant...)<br />
<br />
i hope that my emotional state and mine and ben's ability to co-parent, outnumbered, on our new schedule will be strong and healthy and that we won't want to kill each other (and the kids) at the end of each day.<br />
<br />
three kids is scary to me in so many ways, but i remind myself that they won't be little forever and then i step back and try to take it all in.<br />
<br />
noah's such a kind boy and he really is a good kid. he is loving and funny and so smart and creative. lately his thing is telling the story of "noah's great day" movie.<br />
<br />
emily is a fiesty little firecracker who says and does things to get a rise out of you, but then quickly turns on her cute face and pouty kissy lips. she takes it all in and constantly surprises us with what she knows. tonight, eating her crescent roll at dinner, she looks at me and say "mmm... licious!" (delicious)<br />
<br />
baby brother - you don't have a name just yet, but i know we'll figure it out in the next few hour or so help me - you aren't even here yet and you have already changed out lives so much. i never ever dreamed we could have another baby, and even though i have had my fears, i know that you are meant to be a part of our family. i have always said things happen for a reason, and we have the children we are meant to have. i cannot wait to meet you and know you and fall even more in love with you than i already am. you are currently torturing me from the inside - seriously, between the sciatica, the hemmorhoids, and the baby movement slash contractions, this has been my most painful pregnancy of the three. you move into my right ribcage and i feel like my skin might rip open, and then you burrow down into my cervix and i fear like you're stabbing me with a knife. i promise not to hold these things against you. tomorrow, i will complain of the post c-section discomfort, and after that of the booby pain, and after that something else, because it's always something.<br />
<br />
but inspite of all of that, you are truly a miracle, in a new sense of the word to me. i am so grateful for the opportunity to have you in my life and to be your mom. i'm scared that i won't be great, but i know i will do my best. we will have good days and bad days, but at the end of each of them, you and your brother and sister will know that i love you all tremendously. i want you to know that i love you all with my whole heart and that i would do anything for you. i know you will be amazing and beautiful and smart and strong.<br />
<br />
and now, after one last breakfast, one last nap, one last dinnertime, and one last bedtime cuddles as a family of four, it's time for one last sleep before we meet our baby brother. my youngest child. my new son. Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-3715887318975642062013-11-05T23:38:00.001-06:002014-01-01T23:29:51.518-06:00Six weeks to go...<div dir="ltr">
It's hard to believe this pregnancy is coming to an end. I am due in a little over six weeks, and my last day of work is five weeks from Friday. This little boy will be joining our family so soon, and it still feels like a dream. I sometimes catch my image in the mirror and stop to stare at my belly. I never dreamed I would be so lucky to be pregnant again, to have another child. I am trying to savor each painful moment (more on that...) because I am so grateful for this experience one final time.<br />
</div>
<div dir="ltr">
The top questions I get right now...</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br />
Does he have a name? No, however i personally have a short list. Names are stressful, and that conversation still needs to be has once Ben flips through the name book.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br />
What's my due date/when will I have him? I'm officially due Thursday December 19. The goal is to do a VBAC if by some miracle I go into labor naturally and on time. Now, past experience has been a) my children don't come out on their own and b) they don't come out before their due dates. Noah was induced at 41 weeks, and Emily was a c section at 40 wks, 3 days. Ben however made the valid point that if any of these kids comes out on their own, it'll be this one. Ya know, since he kinda came to be in a different manner... I am hopeful for labor and vbac, however i plan to schedule a c section for earlier in the week I'm due. I definitely have no intention of going past my due date OR spending Christmas in the hospital.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br />
How am I feeling? Meh. This pregnancy has been tough. I'm older, my body is in worse shape in general and due to the fact this is my 3rd pregnancy. I'm completely exhausted because I work full time and then get home and keep going until the kids are in bed (sometimes later if I Get motivated to do dishes or laundry or something). My aches are worse this time. Zero remission of my RA so I'm taking 1000 mg of Tylenol 2-3 times a day. I have horrendous sciatic nerve pain, hemorrhoids, heart burn, and in the last two weeks or so, lots of Braxton-Hicks contractions and heaviness in my crotch.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br />
Of course all that aside, there are good things too! This guy is a mover and a shaker, and I love love love feeling him move, even in the moments it makes me lose my breathe a bit. In the last week or so, he's been getting hiccups more consistently, which is just adorable and make him seem like more of a real kid. I appreciate the comments from people telling me how good I look, cuz I am trying hard to look cute, despite my exhaustion.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br />
I'm smitten with the way the big kids (add I now call them) interact with my belly. I'm fairly certain Emily thinks my belly button is Baby Brother, but she talks to my tummy, and gives it his and kisses and puts her hand on it like she has seen others do. Noah knows it's a real baby, and asks regularly when he will come out. He also talks to the baby, kisses my belly, and has been patient enough to feel him move.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br />
I worry about how Emily will do. I really don't thing she gets it. In recent months, she had thankfully started acknowledging babies. It will be a tough transition for her, but I do hope that if we remember to try to keep things as normal as possible and try to balance attention equally, she will be okay. Noah knows what's coming, and I know he will be a good helper and be okay with the baby, I just hope he doesn't feel lost in the shuffle with the obvious amount of attention the baby will need and the extra TLC Emily will be getting.</div>
Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-46648572809802830162013-09-29T23:36:00.002-05:002013-09-29T23:36:45.644-05:00potty training a girlmaybe it's emily. maybe it's me. maybe it's cuz she's a girl, second child, i'm motivated by the impending birth of number three, whatever, but my girl is awfully motivated to potty train!<br />
<br />
today is sunday. since last monday, emily has peed on the potty almost every day, including twice yesterday, three times today plus a poop! she is motivated by going (alone, with the door closed), declaring victory, wiping, flushing, washing her hands, and getting a sticker. the girl is 21 months. and a half, i guess, but still! in two weeks, she gets it. now if only i had a few days to reallllly focus and do it for real, she's be in undies by baby brother's birth day. <br />
<br />
but i don't have the days or the drive right now. at least i now that when i do, it should be a cinch.Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-58941348435202269992013-07-25T23:04:00.001-05:002013-07-25T23:04:18.241-05:00county fairlast night, we went to the fair with the bergers. noah and grant rode on several rides, and i was so proud of noah for climbing up and sliding down the giant inflatable slide. he was so motivated to do it because grant was so excited about it. i was afraid he'd get halfway up or to the top and freak out, but my big boy did it without hesitation.<br />
<br />
then they went on the kiddie roller... you know, the one that looks like a dragon? after i mentioned it the night before, noah told me yesterday afternoon he wanted to do it. i told him it would go up and down and be fast, but so much fun. right before they got on, he gave me an uncertain look when i said it would be about a two minute ride, and then would end. he nervously asked me how long the ride would be, and i said it would be fun and quick... i waved at the boys from the other side of the track and hollered at them to hold on, and as they took off on that first turn, the sheer look of terror was apparent on their faces. oh my god. i laughed to myself, but inside felt bad for putting my scaredy cat on that ride that i knew might have been too much. everytime they passed me, i waved and cheered, but i could see grant in tears and noah calling "mommy!" when the ride ended, i ran over to help them off and praised them for being so brave and going on a big boy ride. noah was literally shaking when he got off and needed help walking off the ride platform. i asked him if the ride was fun or scary, and he replied "fun and scary". i gave him a big hug and told him i was so happy and so proud that he went on the coaster.<br />
<br />
from there, we tamed it down with the firetruck-going-around-in-a-circle ride. then it was onto the kiddie ferris wheel. noah had been talking about going on the BIG ferris wheel with mom or dad, but we were down to our last two tickets, so ben gave noah the option to ride the big ferris wheel or to ride the little ferris wheel AND the carousel. of course, he chose the latter (but later wanted to go on the big one... and of course we had no cash to oblige...) anyway, he and grant went on the kids ferris wheel, and at first seemed nervous as it went up and rounded the top, but then started laughing and having fun.<br />
<br />
it was emily's first trip to the fair and she loved seeing all the animals, and just kind of took it all in. when we got home, we were talking about everything we saw, and she said "cows". now, she's a chatty little monkey, and cow is nothing new, but last night was the first time she said the plural form of any word. (she also said "toes") she is definitely talking primarily in two and three word phrases now, and asks questions and makes requests. at 19 months old, it just blows me away, since at this age, noah had maybe two words. emily is also really coming into her little personality and sense of humor. she plays off of noah, and makes jokes with him. (ie. he'll ask "do you like me?" she'll say "no" and laugh) she copies the funny faces he does or sounds he makes. sometimes she just gives me a funny face or silly look for no reason at all, and then we both crack up.Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-56129336557799631732013-07-01T23:47:00.000-05:002013-07-01T23:47:15.491-05:00the latestfrom june 1st:<br />
<br />
today marks 11 weeks, 2 days pregnant with baby #3. the shock is starting to wear off, and reality is setting in. i saw my OB three weeks ago and literally felt like i might barf on the way there. i was so nervous! with IVF, there are hormones, blood test, and early ultrasounds. what if i needed the drugs to sustain this one? what a huge relief it was to see the flicker of that little heart beat on the screen when the doctor did my that ultrasound. he said he saw it move. i didn't. i was focused on that flicker. that was the thing i needed to feel like, phew. this is the real deal, and the baby is fine. it measured two days behind, which could have changed my due date, but doctor is sticking with december 19th. we talked about scheduled c-section vs vbac. he did say i am still a candidate for vbac if i go into labor. i am leaning toward scheduling for early the week i'm due, and if by some miracle, i actually go into labor this time, we'll give it a go.<br />
<br />
we told family, friends, and coworker, and went facebook official, so now all the world knows our big secret! and it was in the nick of time, because my pants haven't fit since i was 7 weeks. once we went public, i switched to maternity pants and that makes me happy. :) i've been feeling okay in general, but started having morning nausea probably around 7 weeks and heard the heartbeat on the doppler around 10 weeks.<br />
<br />
<br />Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-43321294358386224142013-07-01T23:44:00.001-05:002013-07-01T23:44:49.539-05:00summer timeugh. why do i suck at blogging? i don't journal, scrapbook, or keep up on the kids' baby books, and my memory is horrendous. i sure hope my kids aren't too pissed someday when my answer to their "when was my first _____?" questions come up...<br />
<br />
summer is in full swing. i am just about 16 weeks pregnant, and all things considered, doing well. when asked, i keep telling people i'm tired, but not cuz of the baby, but cuz of the big kids keeping me on my toes. haven't felt baby move yet, and don't yet have our gender reveal u/s scheduled, but i'm thinking girl, just because i'm feeling more similar to my pregnancy with emily and because my skin is gross and pimply. girl hormones, i swear. i want to know what it is and to feel it move SOON, because despite my growing waist line, it still doesn't feel real to me. seriously. i'm pregnant without IVF. hahahahaha.....<br />
<br />
noah finished up his first year at jefferson early childhood center. he is academically a rockstar, and really a star student. listens, follows directions, particatipates. and really, he is great at the academic stuff. it's the social stuff that's a struggle. he is very social with familiar people, but almost *too* social. he doesn't get person space. he gets loud and pushy and right up in your face. he's the same with emily. he loves that gal to death, but seriously doesn't know his own oafiness. he knocks her down multiple times a day and not usually because he's being mean. on school days, when i'd pick him up from my in-laws, i'd ask who he played with at school, and he usually said himself, which made my heart sad. i am not sure that is 100% accurate, but i had to wonder if it was because he was to "aggressive" with the other kids.<br />
<br />
that stuff aside, he is taking a dance/creative movement class and a tee-ball class this summer. he is loving both, and i think because he's not familiar with the other kids, he's still pretty reserved, just listening and following along. it's hard because it's a fine line. i want him to be social and outgoing and interact with all kinds of people (because i was not capable of that as a kid), as well as be a good student, but i also want him to learn those social boundaries so that he's not outcast or socially awkward. we have another year of preschool ahead of us, and for that i am glad. i've heard people gripe about the cut off date for school, which in illinois is september 1st, or people go ahead and put their kids with eleventh hour birthdays into kindergarten just because they are 5 by september 1st, but i for one, with my particular kid at this moment in time, even with three years of "preschool" under his belt, am glad that his birthday is after the cut off. i feel sad for kids that don't have the opportunity that he has had to have four years of structured programing to prepare them for kindergarten like he will by the time he goes.<br />
<br />
emily is my sweet baby doll. the terrible twos are definitely upon up, with meltdowns and whining when she doesn't get her way. i try to remind her to use her words and say please, but it just pisses her off more. she is like noah in a lot of ways, from her silly sense of humor to her goofy dance moves, but different in even more ways. she is the daredevil. climbing things, trying things without a second thought. for example, first time in a pool last weekend at a hotel in champaign for ben's cousin dave's wedding - noah sat on the stairs of the pool and screamed bloody murder when i held him in the middle of the pool and asked him to try to float. emily stood on the edge and literally fell into my arms about 20 times. she put her face in the water and just laughed the few times she jumped to me and i dunked her under water. she is also stronger with her gross motor skills than he was at her age. running and trying to jump, attempting a tricycle, and wanting to do everything "brudder" does. she is a major motor mouth. it's so bizarre because at her age, we were having noah's speech evaluated, and i knew he was delayed, with only about two words at 18mo. em on the other hand - i have no idea. i'd guess 100ish words. probably more. lots of "what's that" and "where's it go" anything plus "peeeees". animals, animal sounds, body parts, people's names, labeling everything she sees and trying to tell us stories. we communicate with her with words. and she imitates things that she thinks are funny. "bad guy" was a recent phrase that cracked us up. and her eating. oh my gawwwwd, her eating. she loves fruits and sweets, but will eat any and everything we put in front of her. it is so refreshing! i will say though, noah has come a long way. this summer, we have a had a ton of fruit in the house since sis blows through it at a crazy pace, and we've convinced noah to at least try all of it. light years from gagging down a nibble of watermelon with miss jo, his speech therapist, two summers ago.<br />
<br />
on the agenda for the summer:<br />
<br />
fourth of july festivities with the family. fireworks, parade, bbq. and of course, our 10 year anniversary on the fifth. i'm off, ben works. lol. but i think i'll convince him to take me out to dinner. :) aside from that, we are going to south haven, mi, just the two of us next weekend to celebrate our anniversary. i was initially devastated when our long standing plans to take a 10 year anniversary trip to an island location (ideally, the dominican republic) was squashed by our finances, but alls well that ends well, cuz we had been looking to travel in december. (and now i'm having a baby in december.) but ben promised me an anniversary trip, and a weekend on the beach with no kids sounds pretty fabulous too. :) <br />
<br />
we are skipping the dave matthews band concerts this summer for the first time since 1996 (aside from the ones we missed the night of our wedding, julie & scott's wedding, and the weekend i stood up in anne's wedding). i was kind of the bad guy on that and just told ben i had no desire to go (this was even before i was pregnant). to spend that kind of money for the two shows, gas, hotel, food.... just kind of over it. instead we dropped $200 on justin timberlake/jay z tickets, which has been a long time dream of julie's and mine. we are going to the show with the bergers and the zemans and considering getting a limo or party bus.<br />
<br />
piatt lake is on the calendar once again, this year with family coming from out of town, which noah is stoked about, as am i. it's so much more fun there with a big group for my own enjoyment, but also for the kids enjoyment and for the family to enjoy the kids enjoying the cabin and the lake.<br />
<br />
life feels busier than it actually is these days. i feel like it's just go go go, chill for a minute, sleep, go go go again. i will try for my own benefit to blog better and hopefully find more exciting topics to puruse.<br />
<br />
xoxoMindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-70814578522737641382013-05-23T22:56:00.001-05:002013-07-01T23:51:55.705-05:00i have a secretwednesday, april 17, 2013<br />
<br />
so. i have a secret. it's a big one. you'll never guess. well you might, but if you guessed and i answered yes, you'd probably shit your pants.<br />
<br />
i.am.pregnant.<br />
<br />
holy shit.<br />
<br />
i am pregnant. seriously. i am. and it happened the old fashioned way. what? that actually works for people with diagnosed infertility after four rounds of IVF? apparently, yes. it does.<br />
<br />
so back up a week.... last wednesday, april 10th, i took the day off to take noah to his hematologist. after the doctor and lunch, we ran to target.<br />
<br />
i picked up a pregnant test.<br />
<br />
i'm not even entirely sure why. i wasn't even "late" yet.<br />
<br />
i guess i just felt off. my pants weren't fitting and i had gained about five pounds recently. i'd been hungry all the time, tired all the time. a zit appeared on my face. <br />
<br />
ever since i got my period when emily was 6 months old (boo!), we were sort of trying, without any expectation of anything. the first few months after she was born, i was so sad about the finality of things. i was mad that my body was making the decision about this, and not my heart and mind. if not for infertility and IVF, would i have wanted a third? i have no idea. but because i couldn't have another child, i definitely wanted one.<br />
<br />
and then one day last summer, i put a bunch of family pictures in a frame we'd gotten for christmas. a few days later, it caught my eye, and suddenly it dawned on me - this is my family. i wasn't totally over it, but it got easier as months went on, and i almost feel like i had come to terms with having noah and emily, mommy and daddy, and that being that.<br />
<br />
and then this happened.<br />
<br />
i got home wednesday and while the kids were watching tv, i peed on that stick. i've only done that once before, after the nurse called to tell me i was pregnant the first time, so i could show ben that "pregnant" word on the little window. i laid the stick on the counter and looked at my phone. two minutes..... i looked at the test. a plus sign. positive. pretty sure my heart stopped momentarily.<br />
<br />
of course i doubted it. how was this even possible? how did this happen? well, i know how it happened.... but seriously? after trying on our own for a year and a half before moving onto IVF, and then nothing happening for the two years between Noah's birth and Emily's conception... wow. just wow.<br />
<br />
i thought maybe i'd done it wrong or screwed it up by peeing on the results window, so i took another one, and this time did the cup dip. two minutes..... again, plus sign. positive.<br />
<br />
how do i tell ben? what will he say? how will he respond? how far along am i?<br />
<br />
ben gets home. dinner. kids in bed. he's laying with noah for what feels like a freaking eternity. sitting on my bed, i finally hear him come out of noah's room.<br />
<br />
me: "babe can you come here a minute?"<br />
ben: random chat about noah<br />
me: "can you sit down? i need to talk to you."<br />
him: "okay"<br />
me: "soooo... you're gonna think i'm crazy..." and i pull the test out of the drawer and hand it to him.<br />
<br />
i think the first response was basically, this can't be right, and then really? and then a smile. and then i said (at 9:30pm), i'm going to CVS to get more tests.<br />
<br />
went to CVS, like some crazy person, bought two more packages of tests, including one of the ones that actually says the word pregnant, no lines or pluses. peed in a cup, dipped the tests. two minutes..... two lines, "pregnant". ben and i, in shock, denial, disbelieve, amazement. wow. just wow.<br />
<br />
next morning, panic sets in. i tell the receptionist at OB my last period was march 14th (though it was kind of weird, so told her i wasn't 100% sure), and she tells me doc will see me at 8-10 weeks. wait, what? i don't know how to respond so i just schedule an appt for May 13th.<br />
<br />
i get off the phone and freak out. seriously? i'm a former IVF patient. i need a beta. or two or three! i need an ultrasound in like a week and a half. and then the next week, and the next.<br />
<br />
oh.my.god.how.the.fuck.will.i.make.it.to.mid.may?<br />
<br />
and then the thought - i have never been pregnant without IVF and the support of the hormone protocol. what if i can only be pregnant with those drugs?? calm down. what to do, what to do?<br />
<br />
ben tries to reassure me it will be okay. i don't feel very reassured.<br />
<br />
the next day, (friday) i call the wheaton clinic and get an appt with a primary. i want a beta to help ease my mind. i do another pee test. doctor reassured me everything's going to be okay. pee test is positive. congratulations. blood work ordered and done.<br />
<br />
monday morning, i call the nurse and leave a message asking her to call about my blood work.<br />
<br />
i finally get the call. my hcg is 219! relief. that's a great number at 4wk 1day. at the same point, my hcg with noah was 271.<br />
<br />
now i continue to wait, holding this secret so tight yet wanting to scream from the rooftops, and only barely starting to discuss finances and buying a minivan with ben. i hesitate to make any major changes yet though. i'm too superstitious. i'm too scared. where i was feeling pretty good about being a family of four just days ago, i'm now desparate to meet this baby and become a family of five.Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-24337212404208995152013-04-17T21:35:00.002-05:002013-04-17T21:35:36.716-05:00Birth story - part two(I have been working on this for an eternity, but alas!!! Part two of Emily's birth story!)<br />
<br />
After I left the recovery room following my c-section, Emily was taken to the nursery for a bath. In retrospect, we should have just refused it at that time, knowing some family was already in the waiting room and others were on their way. We didn't think much of it at the time, because after all, how long does it take to bathe a baby.
<br />
<br />
Emily went to have her bath and I was moved to my mother-baby room. We anxiously awaited Emily's return, and looked so forward to introducing her to Noah and the rest of the family. And that's not to mention the rest of the world who knew my surgery was at 9am awaiting text and Facebook announcements!! We waited. And we waited. And we waited. Three times I sent Ben to the nursery to check on her. Turns out she was still having difficulty regulating her temp, and after her bath, they decided to put her under the heat lamp.
<br />
<br />
Finally after a freaking eternity, they brought me my baby girl!!!! Looking back at Facebook, I posted at 1:51pm "Me and baby girl are doing great! Details to come after she meets the fam! :) she's perfect!!" And then at 3:05 "Thanks for being patient everyone! All is well, details ASAP!" Finally at 4:11, after meeting the whole family, the details went public "Emily Reese koechling. Born 10:24am, 6lb 7oz, 19in. She's perfect!" That goes to show how long she was in the nursery.
<br />
<br />
First Noah met Emily, with only grandpa and auntie Julie there to document the moment. It was exactly as I'd hoped. He was so sweet and so enthralled with her. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5yO8SZ7_Fw&feature=g-upl">Here</a> is the video of their first meeting. :)<br />
<br />
Then Julie and Grandpa left. Our family of four alone, together. Perfect. Noah was quite excited to play with the present from the baby, his new Bruder trailer that hitched to his Jeep.<br />
<br />
Lastly, Gaga, Julie, Grandma, Grandpa, Katie & Samuel came to meet the baby. We introduced miss Emily to the family, and gave them all the stats. Everyone oohed and ahed of course, and I'm pretty sure she was worth the wait.<br />
<br />
Despite my having asked the OB before she was even born about check her hemoglobin and bilirubin levels ASAP, the nurses were unconcerned. It wasn't until the next day when she started looking yellow, and the ped came in and said yeah, I ordered those labs yesterday.... ugh! I was practically begging them to do bloodwork, and the order was supposed to be in the system! (apparently, the "system" was brand new, as the hospital had just merged with another one and i guess that meant new computer system) anyways, once labs were done, it was determined that she did in fact have elevated bilirubin counts. she was put in a different sort of bilibed than noah had. it was completely open air, just her, naked, under the lights, and she HATED it. after a day, maybe a day and a half, i asked the nurses if we could use the kind noah had, and use the little bili "blanket" for when i took her out to nurse. they switched her and all was good with the world. where noah was in the bed until the morning we were released, i think emily was in from mid-weds to early friday. (she was born tuesday and we went home saturday.) her jaundice was much milder than noah's but of course it indicated to us that she also had the same blood disorder noah and i share, hereditary spherocytosis, or HS. At some point during her time under the lights, the doctors encouraged us to supplement with formula, as babies pee their jaundice out. The idea is the more she drinks, the more she pees. So I think I maybe gave her formula once, and because I just really didn't feel right about it, supplemented with pumped milk a couple times. Other that that, she was a rockstar at breastfeeding.<br />
<br />
I think it was the morning of day 3 (Thursday), when I came out of the bathroom to my find that my nurse that day was Mitchie. I burst into tears and told her that she surely didn't know me, but she was my nurse with Noah and that she had held a special place in my heart for being so great when he was so sick and was the one who told me the morning I was being discharged that he was going to be able to go home too. I'll never forget that as long as I live. That time was so scary, and when she told me that, I burst into tear, sat bolt upright in bed, and gave her a giant hug. I was so hopeful she would be my nurse again this time, and there she was, both Thursday and Friday!<br />
<br />
**warning: the following is somewhat graphic.**<br />
<br />
I remember when I was in recovery after my c-section there was talk about blood loss or clots... well something was definitely off that week. People kept telling me how pale I looked, and I just thought post-op, whatever. But then I got up one day to go to the bathroom (I think Thursday), and sitting there on the toilet, something felt really weird. And then it hurt. A lot. And then.... I felt something that I'd never felt before come out of me and plop in the toilet. It was terrifying. I pulled the emergency cord in the bath room, and in seconds, three nurses were there. I was hysterically crying, gown around my waist, trying to tell them i just passed something large. They helped me back to bed and assured me everything was okay. I was shaken but okay.<br />
<br />
**<br />
<br />
Later that day, while Ben's parents were visiting with Noah, I again went to the bathroom, and again, the same thing happened. There must've been terror in my voice when I called for Ben, because his parents scurried Noah out of the room, and Ben called the nurses in.<br />
<br />
Blood work was ordered, and my hemoglobin was 6.1. On Friday morning, we talked to the OB, and he was not concerned about the blood clots or my low hemoglobin. In fact, he said low hemoglobin can be normal after a c-section. I talked to my mom and Ben, and decided to call the OB and request a blood transfusion. My concern was that I was going to be discharged the next day, and either feel like crap for the next few weeks, home with a newborn through the holidays, or wind up back in the hospital just in time for Christmas. <br />
<br />
I got two units of blood Friday afternoon, and my angel nurse Mitchie even stayed past the end of her shift to make sure I was doing alright. I definitely felt much better after getting the blood and my count was up a few points. <br />
<br />
The next morning, we got our walking papers, and what started the week as a family of three, went home as a family of four. <3 br=""></3><br />
<br />
Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-77461610652482324772013-04-17T20:33:00.000-05:002013-04-17T20:33:13.135-05:00the months that have gone by.couple things:<br />
<br />
i suck. wow. i knew i was bad at blogging, but this is reallllly bad. for a minute i was going to move my blog to wordpress, but below is the one and only post from that site. change of plans. guess i'll stay here...<br />
<br />
also, it's been a crazy few months! gosh, let me think. so noah started preschool, and has loved it. academically, he is so smart. i really think he will be great in school. he loves letters and numbers, and can sound out words (when he is in the mood). he's done well on the testing they do, but the teacher's most recent comment was about how he doesn't quite understand personal space. he's touchy feely and gets in your face to get your attention, and 3 and 4 year old don't like that.... it's a prime example of why the school cut off is appropriate. would noah be ready for kindergarten in fall? academically, i believe he would love it. socially or emotionally, no. he needs to learn personal space and needs to become more independent. he is a bit of a baby still, and i think that's in part due to him being the first born, and yeah, we kind of spoil(ed) him! but he also needs to learn to be more independent, and dare i say, take risks?!<br />
<br />
emily is thriving. she is an incredible child, and so different from noah in so many ways. she is a daredevil. she is going to be the little monster climbing the shelves and finding her way out of her crib (yikes!). she started walking right around 14 months, loves crawling up the stairs (yikes), climbs onto her little bike and scoots back and forth across the room. she is trying to climb onto the couch and LOVES to climb onto noah's little chair at his little table in the family room. and she is chatty. oh dear, *this* child does not need speech therapy! she knows so many animals, animal sounds, says car when she hears a car, says truck, mama, dada, gaga, recently started calling grandpa (who she adores) "pa". if you ask her a question, like "is that bear or toby?", she'll respond with the last thing you said, pretty consistently. she will ask to eat, ask for a baba, ask to color ("cu-dor") on her magna doodle, says go-go when she's ready to go. says hi and bye, waves, blows kisses, gives high fives, gives kisses and hugs and cuddles. she is sleeping well and eating everything in sight. i still nurse her twice a day.<br />
<br />
in september, i started having a weird pain in my side. my left side ribcage to be exact. the first 3-4 days, i thought little of it. assumed i slept funny. but when it didn't go away, i googled "left side ribcage pain" (imagine that), and the first thing that came up was enlarged spleen. and i immediately said "crap".<br />
<br />
the kids and i have a condition called hereditary spherocytosis, which basically means the red blood cells are goofy and kind of makes you chronically anemic. it can also cause problems with the spleen and gall bladder (which i had out when i was 13). so when i see this pain could possibly be related to my spleen, i pretty much resolved myself to the fact that this was in fact the issue.<br />
<br />
i saw a general doc, who wasn't convinced it was my spleen, but sent me for an ultrasound to check it out. the afternoon i had the u/s, a nurse called me and told me i needed to see a hematologist soon, because my spleen was enlarged. so i made an appt with a hematologist, who said, yep, spleen's huge, but she wasn't terribly concerned because i wasn't in any sort of hemolytic crisis (ie. my blood counts were normal) and it wasn't ruptured. however, she recommended surgery to remove it basically for quality of life. i was having a hard time bending over, picking noah up, and finishing a meal. it didn't exactly *hurt* but was definitely uncomfortable. so she then referred me to the surgeon, or hot doc... young, good looking, and definitely younger than me.... and he said they would try to get it laprascopically, but wouldn't know until they got in if it would come out that way. lap would be 3 days in the hospital, and the other way would be a week. in either case, i would be out of work for at least two weeks! <br />
<br />
i decided to have surgery mid-november. they did surgery on mondays, and i did not want to have to early vote and spend election night in a hospital! (i was able to take both kids with me to vote, and both wore their little Obama shirts that day too. and ben and i stayed up watching returns on msnbc until the president was officially re-elected!) i was also leary of waiting until the week of thanksgiving (for the obvious reason), and then into december was emily's party, her birthday, and then christmas, so that was out.<br />
<br />
i had surgery that 2nd monday of november, and woke up in recovery to hear the nurse telling me they got it laprascopically. i was so happy. that afternoon was the one "pump and dump" i did, but after that i pumped the whole time, or a couple times in the evenings actually nursed emily in a sort of upright position. i think she was so happy to see me, she didn't care. she just kind of sat next to me on my right side both times (cuz my gross drain and main incision were on the left), and craned her neck up to make it work. it was lovely. i did wind up being out of work for two weeks, but the tail end of that time was thanksgiving, so it was kind of nice that it worked out that way. ben was off work the day of surgery (monday) and the day i came home (weds), and then the entire week of thanksgiving.<br />
<br />
in december, emily turned one. not spoiled at, the girl had a ginormous birthday party with family and friends. like her brother, she wasn't so sure about her first birthday cupcake, but gave it a whirl. it's so crazy to think she is 16 months old already, and that it has already been four months since that big day. on her actual birthday, we had cake and lou's pizza. :)<br />
<br />
in february, i went on a girls weekend to the wisconsin dells with some former co-workers and very dear friends. it was lovely. saturday was a spa day, where we got massages and literally chilled in an outdoor hot springs pool. it was 0 degrees out that day! saturday night, we did dinner and lots of drinks. it was a fabulous time.<br />
<br />
in march, i went on another girls weekend. this one was a once in a lifetime trip to long beach, california to meet 20 of my online IVF mommy friends. i met most of them on an ivillage.com message board in 2007 when we started down the IVF road. we have been through the lowest lows and highest highs together, and continue to be there for each other on our new facebook group. it was truly a life changing experience. to finally hear the voices of these women that i already "knew" and to learn that they all really exceeded my expectations of the people i knew them to be..... there really are no words. it was an amazing, amazing experience.<br />
<br />
and now, i don't know.... what's next for the koechlings? just taking it one day at a time. :)<br />
<br />
(here is the lone post from the now defunct, "new" blog)<br />
<br />
february 12, 2013:<br />
bad mommy. i have such mommy guilt over my lack of blogging,
journaling, scrapbooking, baby booking…. ugh. i have pictures upon
pictures and facebook statuses that i’m sure will jog my memory in the
future… but for now, a list of emily’s amazing tricks!<br />
<br />
body parts: points to her nose, ears, eyes, hair, tummy, belly button and sticks out her tongue<br />
animal sounds: kitty says meow and purr, monkey say “ah ah”, duck
(“guck”) say “kahk kahk”, dog says oof oof, dino says “rahr”, sheep says
baa, owl says “oo”, elephant sounds with arm for trunk<br />
<br />
she waves and says hi and bye, she recently started blowing kisses,
points, gives high fives, reaches for uppies, claps and rolls her hands
for patty cake<br />
<br />
in the past week or so, she has started walking across the room! she
falls gracelessly to her hands and knees, but keep on trying!<br />
<br />
new favorite word is “nana” for banana. she babbles and talks all
the time, much of it is jibberish, but she is so communicative. it’s
such a welcome change from noah, who maybe said one word at her age.
she calls “dada, daddy” non-stop, and ben and i are both “dada” with the
occasional mama… she points at pictures of gaga and proclaims “gaga!”
noah is not consistent. the other day it was na-na, sometimes it’s
wa-wa…<br />
in that vein, she is also different from noah in that she will
literally eat anything you put in front of her. it’s amazing to see!
it makes life so much easier.<br />
<br />
sleep is still a stuggle, but we did do cry it out the week she
turned one. it was going well at night til recently (maybe past 3
weeks) when her top molars started coming in, poor baby.Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5598072625794571016.post-78700851495574845662012-08-23T11:25:00.001-05:002012-08-23T11:25:16.757-05:00day onedespite waking up a bit late and having to hurry out the door, the first preschool drop off went off without a hitch. within four minutes of getting in line, noah was on his way into the building and i was off to target to get him some new shoes and a first day of school present (two matchbox cars and new sunglasses). noah was a rock star. i sensed the slightest bit of nervous hesitation, but with a hug and kiss from his mama, he was on his way. i had to choke back tears. my baby. he's not a baby anymore. he is officially a preschooler. Mindy Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111867141255482102noreply@blogger.com0