rollercoaster

this week has been a rough ride. it started off good - my in-laws were on their california trip having the time of their lives. i had my child care situation nailed down for the week. things were peachy. and then the snow started...

they closed work early on tuesday, and called off work for wednesday with the impending storm of the century. the snow started around 1pm on tuesday, but i didn't leave til about 2:30. it took me an hour to get home. the minute i walked in, ben walked out and that was the last time i saw him until about 8:30 the next night.

it was text-me-tuesday. i've grown to look forward to tuesdays, with stacy's weekly doctor visits would come an update around 4pm. well on this day, i wasn't sure what time her appt was, and with the snow i didn't know if it would be cancelled or what would happen.

at some point in the early evening i got the text. "i'm back in the hospital" it said. what does that mean? i wondered. i texted back to let me know what's up when she could. after an eternity (probably about four hours), i texted again telling her i was worried and asking her to call me when she could. a few minute later she called and i could tell it wasn't good news.

long story short, she was thinning and dialating behind the cerclage, and it seemed the doctors weren't giving her much time. she could be transferred to loyola and wait it out for god knows how long or take out the cerclage and let nature take it's course. and she had to decide by morning. all the while trapped at the hospital in a literal blizzard.

i tried to be supportive and she and i cried together. she would be 23 weeks on thursday. she lost the twins at 23 weeks, 2 days...

i got off the phone with her and called kim, then texted everyone from the office, past and present. i was all alone, baby sleeping, world ending outside. blizzard in chicago, unrest in egypt, something in japan (a volcano?), something in australia (a typhoon?), and now this. the world was crashing down around me. i was helpless.

in the morning i texted stacy. she texted that she was getting the cerclage out soon. later she texted that she was home. 1cm dialted and doctor thought she could have the baby within 24 hours. more helplessness. more sense of stillness. suddenly nothing mattered more in the world. i held noah. hugged him, kissed him, told him how grateful i was for him. but no tears. i've felt numb since this started. i think i know how i feel, but it's so surreal. how is this happening AGAIN? anger at the universe only begins to describe it.

everyone i know is praying for a miracle. i even asked a god i don't believe in that if there is any justice in the world, this baby will be saved. so much energy, so many thoughts and prayers of SO many people are being sent to stacy and doug and that precious baby that is wanted more than anything...

and all of this in the midst of a blizzard.

that was four days ago. today stacy is 23 weeks, 3 days. one day further than she made it before. one day further than she got with twins, one with a severe heart defect, and one who developed sepsis. she is four days from viability, but so far from full term.

i want off this crazy ride for my own sanity, but moreso because i was stacy to have that precious baby that she has waited so long for.