Monday, February 21, 2011

tragedy and heartache

so i've been thinking about this blog for days. i keep thinking about things i need to put out there. thoughts that have been flitting through my head. thoughts about noah's awesomeness. thoughts about my shattered heart, the depth of my sadness, the ache of yet another loss.

the long and short of it is this. february 10th was an awesome day. we celebrated stacy making it to 24 weeks - viability. the realization of a baby possibly fighting an unhill battle, but at least being born to fight the battle.

february 11th the bottom fell out. i woke up to a text from stacy. she had started bleeding. she went to the hospital. there was no heartbeat. a baby girl was born around 2:30am, 1 lb 10 oz.

the ache is my heart took my breathe away. how one person has to experience this pain, this grief again.... how they have to now have three angel babies... i went into work that day, a friday, and cried all day. i think after stacy lost the twins i was able to hold it together, because their passing at 23 weeks 2 days was inevitable. her water had broken, one baby with the heart defect, the other septic. i went to bed the night they were born knowing i would have to deal with their passing the next day. this time, i went to bed happy, greatful for the gift the universe, maybe even god? had given my friend. and the next day, 24 weeks, 1 day, she is taken away.


i talk about MY feelings about this tragedy, and it's not even my tragedy to grieve. i think it affects me so deeply because of mine and stacy's shared IF & IVF journeys - my memory of her coming to me to tell me she was starting IVF while i was just a few months pregnant with noah. she was there for my journey, and i've been there for hers. i can understand where her mind is at to that extent, but i am left to imagine what it feels like to lose not one, not two, but three babies in under a year. and after all the hoops of IVF...


i saw stacy last thursday and when people asked how she was, i struggled to answer. she just is. she's hurting and who can blame her? she's confused and scared. losing three babies doesn't take away the desire to have a baby or to raise a child, but she now is forced to look at other options. options that she may have never even considered.

she comes back to work on wednesday. half days this week, and full time next week. she has to for financial reasons, and too because what is the alternative? sit and home and mope? work equals routine and human contact, which will be hard at first, but it's what she needs to keep moving forward. it will be harder though this time around, since she is coming back to an office with three pregnant people- one due in a few short weeks, another due just two weeks before her own due date, and another a close friend of ours. and that's not to mention several others who are trying, myself included.

which, speaking of - my IVF suppression is underway, though my gut reaction after stacy's cerclage came out and then again after the baby passed was to cancel the cycle. i told ben that's what i wanted to do, but after some conversations and some time, i decided to keep moving, and at least see how it goes and how i feel after vacation. - ah yes, vacation.....

we leave for AZ on wednesday night, and you know how much i've packed? nothing. i've gone so far as pulling out mine and noah's "summer" clothes and buying travel sized noxzema and st ives scrub. let's just say, tomorrow night's gonna be busy....

amidst all the sadness and stress of the past few weeks, i've failing to blog about noah's continued awesomeness!!!

he SINGS!! no more humming or singing a word here and there, but full on singing! he sings ring around the rosy, twinkle twinkle, abc's, happy birthday, most of take me out to the ballgame, patty cake... ah, what am i forgetting? he's taking in longer sentences all the time, and which i still have to translate for a lot of people, we are understanding the vast majority of what he says. he talks about his day, and makes jokes about things that he knows will make us laugh. he's doing a lot more smiling on command, or "cheesing" as i call it because that squinty eyed smile is pretty cheesy. he's LOVING school, and his teachers keep commenting on how great he's talking. he's even eating better recently! he's taken up hot dogs and chicken nuggets on a consistent basis, and the other weekend he ate my mother-in-law's lasagne and asparagus! he needed a little bribary (matchbox cars and chocolate cake), but hey, whatever works!!

stacy's loss has really made me re-evaluate my fortune. i know i'm lucky to have noah, don't get me wrong, but i honestly have a new found appreciation for him and the way he's changed me. i was talking to my co-worker who is due in a little over a month, and she was saying how she is nervous for stacy to come back, and expressed her guilt about being pregnant since she wasn't even trying to conceive. it was hard for me to respond to that besides to tell her that stacy is still happy for her, and had said so the day before. it took me a few moments to realize that what i should have told her, and what i will tell her before her baby comes is that while everyone's situation is different, she will be a better person and a better mom and have a better appreciation for HER child because of stacy's experience. we are all affected by life's twists and turns in our own way, but i think that if anything good can come from this tragedy, it is that so many people close to it have been impacted in a way that none of us will forget. we have to remind ourselves not to take these things for granted, and hopefully, we can share this with others as well.

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