clarity and self improvement

so many things going on.  so much i want to say, need to say, but not being able to sleep is one of my many issues.

quickly...

i just came back from a weekend retreat in arizona.  much needed me time, alone time, girl time.  laughing and drinking and sleeping and drinking my coffee hot time.  my heart is full and i feel a sense of renewal.  i came home with a clearer mind.  i need to be better and do better.  i will find a way to dig out from the rut i'm stuck in, find some continued clarity.  i will find a way to reduce the clutter and chaos that brings me so much stress.  i will find a way to parent better and a way to be a better collaborator with ben.  i will find a way to be healthier, make healthier food choices, get ben on board with being more aware as well.

he is working midnights now - 10:30pm to 6:30am.  i have a hard time falling asleep.  by the end of his work week, i am so ready for a break.  i need to work on breathing and not yelling, not reacting so harshly when i get frustrated.  i need to find a way to lower my anxiety level and reduce my chronic mommy guilt.  i am taking a tai chi class to do something for myself and have a scheduled time to clear my head.  i want to find a chiropractor who also does massage and acupuncture in hopes of finding some physical relief.  i have decided too that finally seeing a mental health professional for the first time in my adult life is something i need to do, to work on the anxiety and guilt and also just help me find ways to parent better and deal with my issues about my own childhood.

my children are my light.  i want to be better, i want to give them better than i had, and i know i can.  i am a work in progress.  i need to work on me, but i also need to bring ben on board.  our life is hard right now, and i need help figuring out how to deal with the physical and mental clutter.  we need to communicate better and reconnect so that we can be happier and be better parents.  we all deserve better than what we've got right now, which is really just hanging in there.... ben's schedule is what it is, til the end of the year, so we can't just "hang in there".  we need to be functional, but i can't do it alone.  here goes nothing...