When people ask about my life and how I do it with three kids, I always say my life is crazy and I do the best I can. I feel stressed out A LOT and the day to day can be grueling. However, it is never lost on me what a gift this chaos is and how much I am grateful for the lack of privacy and me time. I need to work on not being so hard on myself, my kids, Ben. I need to learn to let things go, have less guilt, less regret. More living in and for the moment, and giving thanks more than just one day out of the year.
I know the day will come that my house is quiet, I'm not needed 500 times a day, I don't need to change diapers and wipe butts. I think about this a lot lately now that Henry is about to turn one. He is the brightest little light, and I could weep thinking about how absolutely amazing and miraculous his presence in our lives is. And add much as he is and always will be my baby, he no longer is a baby and my heart aches in coming to terms with this stage in my life being over. With Emily, I went through a different mourning. With her, it was with sadness that the journey was over before I was ready, but still the teeniest hope that maybe someday..... Now, as much as in my heart I feel like I could have a million children, to know all the beauty, brilliance, wit, humor we could create, to hold, smell, cuddle a brand new little life.... I know that that journey has ended. I am so thankful for the road we traveled because it taught me so much about love, strength and the importance of community. My heart is so full with love, even on the days they make me crazy. I want to give them the world and I hope someday I can.
So of course I've gotten off track... Today was Thanksgiving. Every holiday with children is hectic and overwhelming. I left my mom's thinking, dammit, we didn't get a family picture. And did I get any of the baby on his first thanksgiving? And it just occurred to me his "baby's first Thanksgiving" bib is sitting in his closet.... Sigh.
In any case, amidst the chaos and stress, there is so much love and light, and oh so much to give thanks for.
First of course is family. My darling, beautiful children who fill me with such pride. Noah who is learning to read so quickly, and wanting to read everything, learning what new words mean, remembering all kinds of crazy details.... Emily, who is so funny, witty, silly, sweet... And two going on like 16. Every day I think, omg how is she still only two? She's just brilliant. And then Henry. My little butter ball. Thinks he's a big kid, because he's the size of one. Crawling, cruising, babbling, laughing. Lots of laughing and squealing. And just the most beautiful eyes, smile, dimple. And my husband, who puts up with me... And does so much for us all. The new job, the new schedule, it's been and will continue to be a challenge (especially as he goes permanently to midnights on January) but I think he's happy and I how in the long run it will put us in a better position financially and he week get to a point when he had the opportunity for a better schedule.
I'm also thankful for our extended family, who support us in all we do and help out with the kids when possible. I'm thankful for the friends and coworkers who lift me up, listen to me vent, and are there even when we can't see each other as much as any of is would like. I'm thankful for my health because although it's not perfect, and I'd really rather not have any issues to deal with, it can always be way worse. I am alive and treating my ailments, and for that I am thankful. I'm thankful for random acts of kindness. I'm thankful for good food and a warm house. I'm thankful for a job that, even though the money sucks and the work can be stressful, is meaningful and allows me flexibility and time home with my kids. I'm thankful for learning that I can't be everything to everyone, I can't please everyone, i can only do my best, and only I know what's best for me and my family.
I love that Noah wrapped his heart around the meaning of the day today, proclaiming how thankful he was and wishing everyone a happy Thanksgiving. He told me more than once that he is thankful for his family, his friends, and the earth. He's a wise child, and I hope I can help he see that he can give thanks every day. That he has so much to be thankful for. And hopefully I can continue to remember that everyday too and as life passes by, to be better at pausing to breathe it all in.