numb

i am at a loss for words right now. my dear friend and coworker is 23 weeks pregnant today, and i learned just a few hours ago that her water broke earlier today.

23 weeks is just far too early for any baby. but stacy is pregnant with twin boys, once of which has been diagnosed with a severe heart defect called hyperplastic left heart syndrome. stacy underwent five rounds of in-vitro and when to hell and back to become pregnant with these boys. and now she might lose them both.

i'm so sick about this. i know only to an extent what stacy had to go through, and i know first hand the desparation of infertility and IVF, the self blame, the guilt, and the emotional toll it can take.

i don't discount anyone's love for their child, but there is something very unique about the way one feels about the child or children they struggled so hard for. stacy and i talked about this shortly before she was put on bedrest. it's really hard to put into words, and i know that sounds unfair to those of you who have babies that did not have infertility - so please forgive my inability to express it. it's just that when pregnancy comes easily, you don't have to go though the months or years of self blame, anguish, and guilt, anger, sadness, and desparation...... after two (plus) years of struggling, stacy's pregnancy seemed like a miracle, and although she is not an emotional person, i know she is madly in love with those boys.

i often say that i know that noah was the baby i was meant to have. i could have been pregnant however many times in the months leading up to becoming pregnant, but the baby i had would not have been my sweet noey. when someone's in the midst of IVF or other treatments, it's really hard to wrap your brain around that idea, but i was talking with another coworker who experience multiple miscarriages, and now that her little girl is a few months old, she acknowleges the same concept. i think stacy was coming to understand our feelings on the topic, but now - - -

is it really better to, as they say, have loved and lost?

why is it that people's resillience is continually tested? why do "strong" people have to continue to be "strong"? when does stacy just catch a fucking break?

the last few months...

Mid-November

Surgery - 12/11/09

Meeting Santa - 12/17/09

Late-December


Mid-January

Sedona, AZ - 2/12/10

Amanda & Robert's Wedding - 2/13/10

That's not Noah! Love this picture of my nephew Grant - he's 5 1/2 months here!

17 months

I'm so amazed every day by Noah and how freaking cool he is. At 17 months old, he has become such a cool little person. He understands so many things. He can identify all kinds of body parts, people, clothing, toys, vehicles... He thinks it's hilarious to point at mommy, then daddy, then mommy, then daddy, and then swing his arm back and forth while we try to keep up mommydaddymommydaddymommydaddy...

He has finally started making some progress with food! It's taken FOR-EVVVVERRRR, but he is finally feeding himself some snacks, including pieces of fruit, yogurt puffs, and cheese. He's still not really interested in trying anything crunchy or hard, but likes to try to feed himself with the spoon and to stab food with his fork. He LOVES yogurt, applesauce, and pudding, but don't dare mention them OR juice if you want him to eat his main course first! We've done away with baby foods all together. No more baby cereal - he's moved onto regular oatmeal. No more jars - now we eat lots of pasta. Spaghettios, ravioli, mac & cheese, beefaroni... We discovered he likes bleu cheese dressing after I tried to get him to dip his veggies in it, but instead leaned forward and started licking his tray. We had a family dinner for St. Patrick's day, and Noah shared in it, having potatoes and carrots with a teeny bit of corned beef. He had it with salt and sour cream, which he reallllly liked!

I can't wait for spring! The last few days have been in the 60s and SUCH a tease!! Noah has spent a lot of time outside with grandma and grandpa during the day, and I even got out of work early on Wednesday and took him to the park! I'm looking into getting some kind of swing set or playground type thing for the yard, because I have a feeling we're going to be spending a LOT of time outside this summer!

jumping those hurdles

slowly but surely, noah is growing up.

i'm so SO behind in blogging - BAD BLOGGER!! - but i want to get a few things down before i forget.

the friday before xmas, noah's first molar broke though. he never seems horribly bothered by his teeth coming in, thankfully. i'm also not above giving him tylenol to make him more comfortable...

on xmas eve, we were having dinner at the koechling's and i gave noah a green olive (sans pimento) just to see what he'd do with it, and he ATE IT! well, not really. he ripped it apart, put the small pieces in his mouth, chewed them, and spit them out. but it's definite progress!

xmas was so fun. noah really got into it, and was all about opening presents. his presents, grant's presents, my presents... he didn't discriminate! santa brought a kid laptop, some puzzles, fridge phonics, and a sled. noah was definitely on the *good* list.

on new years day, noah - started - WALKING!!!! he's still inconsistent and does it only on his terms, but he can and will do it when he wants! that morning, he and i were watching the Rose Parade (which he *loved*) and during the parade he took three steps from near the coffee table to the couch, which he'd sort of done before. usually two step from table to couch, and a dramatic flop face first into the couch... (his VERY first indepdendent steps came when he took two steps while we were in AZ.) but anyways, i was at the mall and got a text from my mom: "noah just took 6 steps". and another: "took another 9". i hurriedly finished up my errands and went home, and lo-and-behold, he did it for me! he was so so proud of himself, especially given my reaction!! we try to practice every day and i'm hoping that by the time we go to arizona on feb 8th, he'd been pretty stable on his feet.

noah's fully recovered from surgery - had a follow up with the ENT last weekend, and he told me i could pick the scab off noah's neck. ew! and okay! (i started but then stopped myself...)

over the weekend, we took noah for his first haircut. we both just decided he was starting to look pretty raggedy. serious borderline mullet was happening, and he was starting to look kind of like a hobo. we went to a local chain place called kidsnips where they specialize in cutting kids' hair. noah loved all the colors on the walls, the toys, the kids, the mirror, the taxi cab seat he sat in during his haircut, the elmo video he got to watch during his haircut... he looks like such a big kid now. it's crazy how a haircut can change him so much. just looks so grown up. :)

last night, i gave him a piece of muenster cheese, and just like the olive on xmas eve, he tore it up, put the pieces in his mouth, chewed, and spit... again - progress. i'll take what i can get at this point...

in general, he's just talking a lot more and understanding even more than that! still no real words (beyond maybe mama and dada - and maybe look?), but lots of babbling and always making noises and silly faces. he FINALLY has started letting me brush his teeth (as of about a week ago), and tonight i said "noah, say ah!" - he opened wide and said ah. i said "noah, show me your teeth - say eee!" he smiled a toothy smile and scrunched his eyes the way i had demonstrated. when i started laughing, he crunched his eyes all the way shut and started chuckling. he and i crack each other up every night while he's getting ready for bed. he's so tickling and loves it! he just laughs and laughs... ah, the coolest kid ever!! pictures soon!

what can i say? i'm a crier.

for sure. i'm not feeling especially emotional about anything in particular, but recently - dang! i need to stop reading sad stories and drowning my non-existance sorrows!

last night i was reading the blog of the wife of a guy i went to high school with (i'm a facebook stalker) - and i learned that she miscarried at 37 weeks. oh my god. she just stopped feeling the baby moving, they couldn't find a heart beat, and that was it. c-section delivery of a still-born, full-term baby. i was sobbing reading the blog and looking the photos of the couple with the baby girl they would never know. ugh.

tonight, reading the blog of the mom of a girl who suffered a brain injury in a car accident, and just recently came out of a coma. (this girl is a HS friend of my co-worker.) amazing to read about her progress, but so sad, because she was to be married this past saturday...

just read about the newest baby duggar, born last thursday, at 1 lb, 6oz. breaks my heart, because that baby is bound to have some serious developmental problems, and i've long felt the duggars were pressing their luck with so many kids and continuing to have kids into her 40s, when the odds of complications go up.

noah had surgery last friday - it went so well, and he has been amazing. the doctor said the cyst was larger than he'd anticipated but that it was most certainly benign (though it was still sent for testing). i don't miss the nub the way i thought i would - thinking about it makes me a little sad, but tonight at dinner, noah reached for it, and it did hurt my heart. i leaned toward him and he threw his arms around my neck, and i told him that i loved him with or without the nub, and that i knew he would have been a strong enough, confident enough boy to live with it, but that it would hurt mommy if kids said mean things because he looked a little different. i told him that someday he would understand.

i get emotional about commercials and tv shows (like - ones i probably shouldn't cry at). i get emotional about other peoples struggles and pain - if one more friend has to go through dealing with fertility issues, i'm going to go crazy on somebody. who? totally not sure, but seriously? WTF. and then a coworker (who's a lesbian) told me she and her GF of forever wanted to do international adoption, but basically no one will adopt to a same sex couple anymore. what the hell is the world coming to?

vent over. :) happy holidays!!!

(it's late and i'm over worked and sleep deprived of late... at least that's my excuse.)

vacation and surgery for noah

There's been a lot going on lately. Our office moved at the end of October, so it's been a crazy month at the CFC. I think I've adjusted to life in a cubicle, but the holidays are always a little hectic because scheduling meetings can be a challenge... I've been insanely busy for the last two weeks, but hopefully will be slowing down as we get closer to Christmas.

Noah and I are flying to Arizona on December 2nd for a long weekend visiting Amanda, Robert, and the kids. I'm looking so forward to seeing them and getting a break from the craziness of work! I know I'm very spoiled that I'm able to take as many vacations as we do, but I think you have to get away occasionally for your sanity!! It will be a challenge traveling alone with Noah. I'm trying not to think too much about it yet, because I know I'm going to be freaking out when I start preparing to go and when reality sets in when I'm getting on the plane.... wish me luck!!

The other big event on the horizon is surgery for Noah, another thing I'm not to think too much about for now, as it's still a few weeks off... Noah has had this lump on the back of his head since July. Initially, we thought it was a pimple, ingrown hair, or maybe a mole. The pediatrician didn't really know what it was either, and initially, it had a head and bled a little bit, so we did a round of antibiotics, and it seemed to get a bit better. Then we treated it with warm compresses and neosporin. It didn't seem to improve much, and then started to get bigger. At our 12 month check up, the doctor suggested we see an ENT and see what he had to say.

A few weeks ago we saw the ENT, and right away he knew what it was and said we would need to do surgery to remove it. "It" is called a pilomatrixoma, which is basically a benign cyst or tumor in the hair follicle. (At least that's how I understand it.) We talked with the ped and amongst ourselves, and decided to go ahead with surgery. If we don't, it could become infected, and in the very slight chance it is not benign, we could never forgive ourselves if we didn't act now. (The chance of it being malignant is something like 2%, and we're told that the majority of these tumors will not grow back.) Once they remove it, they'll run tests to confirm it is benign and in fact a pilomatrixoma. The ENT will also remove the skin tag (aka. "the nub") on Noah's ear at the same time. I'm very sad about this, but I know it's in Noah's best interest for the future. At least that's what I'm telling myself... I know it may seem silly, but it's a part of him, and I'll be sad when part of him is gone. :(

On a happier note, Noah has a lot of new "tricks" lately. When asked "where's the balloon?" and "where's the light?", he looks at both. He loves to dance, and when he's not too tired, he'll start bouncing when we say "can you dance, Noah?". When I ask him, "where's mama's belly button?", he'll put up my shirt and poke his finger in my belly button. He's babbling a lot more these days, and is more frequently imitating what we say. The other day he imitated a tune Ben was humming, and this morning he imitated some silly sounds and "words" I was making. He's so awesome!

i am the mommy of a one year old!!

it seems kind of cliched to say the year went by so fast. everybody seems to say that when their little one turns the big numero uno!

some days it feels like noah's been a part of our family forever, and it's hard to remember life before baby. but truthfully, this year has gone by so quickly. it's been a busy year, for sure, but it's been the most amazing ride.

i've learned so much about what i'm capable of. i've learned what it feels like to be so proud that it feels as though your heart might burst our of your chest. i've also learned the pain of a mother's guilt and how easy self-blame can be.

ultimately, i've learned that being a parent is a lot of work. i can hear all of my fellow parents saying "duh", and my friend's who are not yet parents echoing "duh", but not fully grasping the gravity...

there is something truthfully indescribably about knowing the everything you do - every action, every word, every single thing - is likely shaping your child into the person he will become. that's a freaking amazing and incredible thing. it also scares the shit out of me.

my life has changed in the most amazing ways over the last few years. i went through two years of utter hell, and i wish that no one ever had to endure the kind of emotional and mental anguish that infertility causes. but like i told a dear friend who recently underwent her 4th IVF cycle: i would do it all again in a heartbeat if i knew that out the pain would come the most amazing being that i could have ever wished for. i waited two long, horrible years, but the end result was my precious boy, and if i had to go back, i wouldn't change a thing because now i'm noah's mommy, and for that i will be forever grateful.

Welcome to the world cousin Grant, and other updates on us...

I've been a bad, bad blogger, and my goal for the coming year (since year two for Noah starts this week), is to blog on a weekly or bi-weekly basis...

First and foremost, we want to welcome baby Grant to the world!! He came into the world late on Saturday, September 19th after his mommy's water broke at BuyBuyBaby. Needless to say, that shopping trip was cut short...

9/19/09 11:34pm, 7lb 3oz, 19in (I think - my memory sucks...)
A couple of weeks ago, we went apple picking with Julie, Scott, & Grant, and our friends Amy and Mike and their little girl, Anna. It was a gorgeous day, and we all had a great time.




Last weekend was SUPER busy with TWO out of town weddings, if you can believe that!? We headed out I-88 to my cousin Laura's wedding near Dixon, IL, and from there kept driving west to my dear friend, Kari's wedding in Rock Island, IL. It was a long day, but we were so happy we were able to make it to both weddings. We're so happy for both sets of newlyweds!

The fam at Laura's wedding

Noah and Mommy at Kari's wedding
This Thursday is Noah's first birthday! We are so super excited, and on Sunday, we're having a HUGE party, with all of our family and friends! It's going to be so much fun!

Embry- uh oh!

Noah is changing all the time, and I wish I were better about blogging more regularly so I could keep you all up-to-date on the latest with him!! I told my sister (who's due in less than three weeks!) that I sort of regret not documenting all the little milestones better. You know, first smile, laugh, etc. I feel like I can ballpark those things, but looking back I just wish I would have jotted down something like "Today I think Noah smiled for the first time". We've documented everything in pictures though, so at least I have a generally reference point...

Noah has exploded with his gross motor skills!! He's like a different kid. After being so worried about this area of his development for so long, he's finally taking off! He started getting himself into sitting while we were on vacation. He crawls so fast when he's motivated to get something, like a cat or a favorite toy. He probably started getting really good at it about 2-3 weeks ago (see, again with not really having a precise date...) - I know it was right after our vacation, so probably the 2nd or 3rd week of August.

He started pulling up in the crib awhile ago, probably the end of July, and now that he's really good with crawling, he's pulling up on the coffee table. We put the padding on the outside half of the table (that's not along the couches) a few weeks ago, and he loves to pull up, squat down, pull up, squat down... He's even starting to cruise a little bit. :)

A few weeks ago (maybe mid-August), he started stepping while he was standing at the table or in the crib, and in the last week or so, he's walking with his hands held! It's crazy to think he's going to be walking in the next few months - where has the time gone!

Yesterday, tooth number 8 finally broke through! Now he has 4 on top and 4 on bottom, and none except the first two really gave us any trouble. Thank goodness for that!

So now that his gross motor skills are well on their way, my newest concern (because I'm neurotic, apparently) is feeding, hence the title of this post.

Noah DOES NOT like anything solid or chunky. Stage 3s are a no-go - he spits out anything solid, such as pasta or veggie pieces. Typical baby finger foods - such as Gerber puffs, wagon wheels, yogurt melts, crackers, cookies, cheerios, etc - go straight on the floor. Table foods - fruits, veggies, chicken, pasta - also go straight on the floor. Early in the process (like around 7-8 mo) he would put a cracker or cheerio to his mouth. He even bit off pieces of a Ritz cracker, but twice he "choked" on a cheerio, and I don't know if maybe that turned him off to food.

I told Noah that I don't know how he can be mommy and daddy's baby if he doesn't like to eat food. Mommy and Daddy LOVE to eat food. That when I told him that maybe the doctor mixed up the embryos, and daddy said "Embry- uh oh!". Obviously, Noah is our combined mini-me, so there's just the little matter of figuring out how the hell to get this kid to eat!

So many people have said "maybe he's just not hungry". Oh. my. god. That to me is like when people used to say "it'll happen" when we were trying to get pregnant. It's condescending. Trust me, I've tried every trick I can think of, PLUS I've been chatting with a speech therapist who's given me MORE ideas. I'm hoping maybe the dropping things is a phase. I mean, I know it is, but he can drop toys until the end of time, just PLEASE stop dropping the food!!! I don't even care about the mess. I just want him to bite into something and realize, "oh my god, this is so delicious!" I keep telling him he'll like it, and when has mommy ever lied to you??

Noey at 10 months

it has been SUCH a hectic summer, and i apologize to my loyal readers who have probably wondering why the hiatus!!! everything's just fine, just SUPER busy!!!

i spent most of the summer keeping busy with ball games, concerts, pre-wedding and wedding festivities, baby shower planning, and vacation (thankfully), not to mention trying to keep up with a busy baby!

noah turned 10 months on saturday, and now that julie's baby shower is said and done, i'm starting to think about planning noah's birthday party!! we're tossing around ideas for themes, talking about cakes, and getting excited (on his behalf, of course).

noah's still not *officially* crawling, but he definitely gets around. when he's motivated, he will get on all fours and move forward, but usually it's more of a butt-pivot sort of thing... he started getting himself into sitting about two weeks ago. we were on vacation, and woke up to him on his butt in the pack and play. we were in shock!! it's so funny to watch him do it, because most times he puts his head on the floor for leverage...

he has six of the cutest teeth i've ever seen - four on top, two on bottom - and he loves to show them off by doing what we call his "crunchy" face, where he scrunches up his nose, squints his eyes, and gives a big ole sh*t eating grin... he's super ticklish and his little chuckle makes he laugh so hard i cry every time. he's SUCH a ham!

my biggest stressor right now is feeding. he eats stage 2s like a champ. we feed him mainly earth's best, with the occasional gerber organics, and the rare regular gerber (for flavor variations). he eats cereal begrudgingly - usually EB oatmeal or mixed grains with stage 2 fruit and/or yogurt mixed it. he usually gags and spits out the first bite but is okay from there. he seems to have a thing with pasta in the stage 3s. he eats the fruits no problem but the meals (pasta primavera and lasagne for example) don't go over so well. he is getting good at filtering the stuff he doesn't like, and spitting out just the chunks... finger foods are a huge issue too. he won't even attempt to put things in his mouth when he's in the highchair. he just picks them up, looks at them, leans over, and drops them on the floor... twice, he's "accidentally" put a cheerio in his mouth and not been able to push it right back out, so he's gagged to the point of throwing up. i've been chatting up one of my speech therapists, but i'm getting nervous that it's a sensory issue... (which is just me being a paranoid early interventionist...)

health wise, things are good. we go back to both the neurosurgeon and hematologist on 9/10. the neuro ordered another head u/s to monitor his head growth and the fluid and the hemo is going to run some tests to *officially* diagnose him with my blood disorder (hereditary spherocytosis, or HS) that caused his jaundice at birth and severe anemia that resulted in a transfusion at one month. he in on antibiotics right now because he had a pimple or something (not sure) on the back of his head that got infected and developed an absess. i thought it was a zit or ingrown hair, and when it didn't get better, i thought maybe a mole. when it kept getting harder and darker, i decided to take him to the ped. she said if it's not better by friday, to bring him back and they'd have to open it to drain it. yuck.

i'll try to post some more pictures soon- i have SOOO many good ones from the summer and from vacation- but for now, he's just one from our Piatt Lake vaca two weeks ago.


hope everyone had and continues to have a great summer!!