on my mind

so many things are on my mind recently, and one of the recurring themes is mommy guilt.  i'm on a path to dealing with it, and self diagnosed post partum depression and anxiety (whether it's actually "post partum", or just run of the mill depression and anxiety, i don't know, but i chalked it up to life after baby, so yeah.)  the NP at my OBGYNs office gave me a prescription for zoloft, which i've been taking for a week now, and she gave me a referral the behavioral health department at the hospital.  i have a call in to schedule with a counselor.

one of the things related to this mommy guilt that i need to figure out dealing with is the maintainence of memories.  i have guilt that i don't blog enough, or write things down anywhere.  that i never made hashes of my kids heights on the wall in the laundry room, and think about starting now but hate that i missed six years with noah.  i feel bad that i can't remember the little quips and comments the big kids make and the cool things the baby does.  the easy resolution is to get better about blogging.  i say that a lot.  i really need to try.

in any case, a lot of time has passed and life moves at such a fast pace.  noah is loving school and i'm so impressed with his reading in such a short time.  six has been a challenging and emotional age, and it has been a struggle the last few months.  he is also going to speech therapy to work on some feeding issues, and i'm so proud of his willingness and ability to try new, challenging (crunchy) foods.

emily is so funny with her facial expressions and the random funny things she says.  she loves to dance, and her current favorite song is "one two three, three", also known as "chandelier" by sia.  she goes to parents morning out (PMO) twice a week and acts all shy at school, which cracks me up, because i would never in a million years describe her that way.  

henry is the funniest, cutest thing ever.  he has almost all of his teeth (the canines are just starting to come in) and eats like a champ.  his favorites are fruits for sure, as well as crackers and cucumbers.  he asks and signs for more non stop.  when he's ready to nurse, he points at my boob and says "dat".  he's been walking for several months and is now starting to try to climb.  just today he was standing on the kids doctor kit, and trying to use it to get onto the couch.  henry knows farts are funny, and he requests hi favorite song "oh yeah yeah" (bruno mars "locked out of heaven") when he sees my phone.  he is a big time chatter box, with lots of random babble, but tons of word attempts too.  "buh" is button, book, Bear.  he knows several body parts - hands, hair, eyes, nose, ears, tongue, belly button.

these past few months have been hard on me, physicially and emotionally, dealing with the transition to ben on midnights.  i feel like i've gotten more used to the routine of it, but it still weighs on me a lot.  while i am taking a medication that has seemed to help in many ways, i feel the physical burden of sheer exhaustion at days end.  on top of that, i'm stuggling with motivation.  even when i'm not tired per se, i find myself sitting on the couch being lazy.  i just don't have the energy or stamina i wish i did to play with the kids or go out and do things.  i feel like i need to do more for myself - i've considered chiro, acupuncture, massage, going to a gym - but the hard part is working it into my schedule, especially since ben's schedule changes monthly. 

emotionally, i just miss him and his partnership.  i feel like we've had communication issues for awhile and this is only exacerbating it.  the little bit i do see him most days is spent dealing with the kids at meal times or bedtime.  there is little opportunity for one on one, except on his days off and those days often feel tightly packed with family time or the other random things we need to get done.  i feel like a single parent a lot of the time, and it's hard to see the kids behavior flip flop when we are both around.  it's also hard to see him get frustrated with them so easily due to lack of sleep and his weird schedule.

i hope we ease into a calmer, more content version of life.  it's really sad to me that i feel like i'm just trudging through each day, dragging my feet to bedtime.  i often tell myself that these awful hours and loads of overtime will pay off in the long run when we have a fat pension to retire on, but it makes me horrible sad that i have to sacrifice my kids childhood for that.  i do feel some guilt and resentment that we didn't make better educational and career choices.  it's not even about the money.  i just wish we had some of the flexibility as a family that most people have and take for granted.  it's one more thing that pains my brain that i need to figure out how to deal with...