i have a secret

wednesday, april 17, 2013

so.  i have a secret.  it's a big one.  you'll never guess.  well you might, but if you guessed and i answered yes, you'd probably shit your pants.

i.am.pregnant.

holy shit.

i am pregnant.  seriously.  i am.  and it happened the old fashioned way.  what?  that actually works for people with diagnosed infertility after four rounds of IVF?  apparently, yes.  it does.

so back up a week....  last wednesday, april 10th, i took the day off to take noah to his hematologist.  after the doctor and lunch, we ran to target.

i picked up a pregnant test.

i'm not even entirely sure why.  i wasn't even "late" yet.

i guess i just felt off.  my pants weren't fitting and i had gained about five pounds recently.  i'd been hungry all the time, tired all the time.  a zit appeared on my face. 

ever since i got my period when emily was 6 months old (boo!), we were sort of trying, without any expectation of anything.  the first few months after she was born, i was so sad about the finality of things.  i was mad that my body was making the decision about this, and not my heart and mind.  if not for infertility and IVF, would i have wanted a third?  i have no idea.  but because i couldn't have another child, i definitely wanted one.

and then one day last summer, i put a bunch of family pictures in a frame we'd gotten for christmas.  a few days later, it caught my eye, and suddenly it dawned on me - this is my family.  i wasn't totally over it, but it got easier as months went on, and i almost feel like i had come to terms with having noah and emily, mommy and daddy, and that being that.

and then this happened.

i got home wednesday and while the kids were watching tv, i peed on that stick.  i've only done that once before, after the nurse called to tell me i was pregnant the first time, so i could show ben that "pregnant" word on the little window.  i laid the stick on the counter and looked at my phone.  two minutes.....  i looked at the test.  a plus sign.  positive.  pretty sure my heart stopped momentarily.

of course i doubted it.  how was this even possible?  how did this happen?  well, i know how it happened.... but seriously?  after trying on our own for a year and a half before moving onto IVF, and then nothing happening for the two years between Noah's birth and Emily's conception...  wow.  just wow.

i thought maybe i'd done it wrong or screwed it up by peeing on the results window, so i took another one, and this time did the cup dip.  two minutes..... again, plus sign.  positive.

how do i tell ben?  what will he say?  how will he respond?  how far along am i?

ben gets home.  dinner.  kids in bed.  he's laying with noah for what feels like a freaking eternity.  sitting on my bed, i finally hear him come out of noah's room.

me: "babe can you come here a minute?"
ben: random chat about noah
me: "can you sit down?  i need to talk to you."
him: "okay"
me: "soooo... you're gonna think i'm crazy..." and i pull the test out of the drawer and hand it to him.

i think the first response was basically, this can't be right, and then really?  and then a smile.  and then i said (at 9:30pm), i'm going to CVS to get more tests.

went to CVS, like some crazy person, bought two more packages of tests, including one of the ones that actually says the word pregnant, no lines or pluses.  peed in a cup, dipped the tests.  two minutes.....  two lines, "pregnant".  ben and i, in shock, denial, disbelieve, amazement.  wow.  just wow.

next morning, panic sets in.  i tell the receptionist at OB my last period was march 14th (though it was kind of weird, so told her i wasn't 100% sure), and she tells me doc will see me at 8-10 weeks.  wait, what?  i don't know how to respond so i just schedule an appt for May 13th.

i get off the phone and freak out.  seriously?  i'm a former IVF patient.  i need a beta.  or two or three!  i need an ultrasound in like a week and a half.  and then the next week, and the next.

oh.my.god.how.the.fuck.will.i.make.it.to.mid.may?

and then the thought - i have never been pregnant without IVF and the support of the hormone protocol.  what if i can only be pregnant with those drugs??  calm down.  what to do, what to do?

ben tries to reassure me it will be okay.  i don't feel very reassured.

the next day, (friday) i call the wheaton clinic and get an appt with a primary.  i want a beta to help ease my mind.  i do another pee test.  doctor reassured me everything's going to be okay.  pee test is positive.  congratulations.  blood work ordered and done.

monday morning, i call the nurse and leave a message asking her to call about my blood work.

i finally get the call.  my hcg is 219!  relief.  that's a great number at 4wk 1day.  at the same point, my hcg with noah was 271.

now i continue to wait, holding this secret so tight yet wanting to scream from the rooftops, and only barely starting to discuss finances and buying a minivan with ben.  i hesitate to make any major changes yet though.  i'm too superstitious.  i'm too scared.  where i was feeling pretty good about being a family of four just days ago, i'm now desparate to meet this baby and become a family of five.