Sunday, October 10, 2010

Two years, IF & more babies

i've not been so good about blogging lately. life has been busy and my mind has been busy. the thought to blog came to me today when i happened on a show on channel 11 where paula zahn was taking infertility with some of her guests.

anytime the topic of IF or IVF comes up, i have mixed feelings. part of me feels sad and that ache of wanting another baby creeps in. but then i feel overwhelming joy and pride, and the look on the face of my angel child almost brings tears to my eyes (despite the terrible twos creeping in). i feel so lucky to have my noah, who will be two on friday. i've said it before and i'll say it again - infertility sucks, but had i not walked that road, i know i would not be the mother that i am now. however unfair it might be to say, i know that i wanted this boy so desperately that i love him more than i would have if he'd come easily to us.

this week, one of the pioneers of IVF, dr. robert edwards, was awarded the nobel prize for medicine. i agree with melissa over at stirrup queens that the nobel prize doesn't really mean a whole lot in this day and age, especially with dr. edwards' award coming over 30 years AFTER the fact, but i am grateful for some positive press for IVF (aside from the vatican's denouncement of the honor). after the whole octomom debacle of two years ago, it's nice for someone to publicly say something good about IVF. and truly, i am grateful to dr. edwards (and his colleague, the late dr patrick steptoe) for their discovery. without their research and hard work, i do not believe that my noah would be here today.

we've come so far from our IF journey. it feels like forever ago, and sometimes it's hard to believe noah's only turning two. i feel like he's been a part of my life forever, and it's exciting to think about him being around for the rest of my life. i want him to have a sibling or two, and i hope that my mind and body will allow that to happen. preferably sooner than later, though that is a huge decision on the horizon... part of me thinks we need to go before the end of the year, since my deductible's been met, but part of me thinks that i'm not quite ready to go down that road. it will be our last IVF cycle covered by insurance, and i cannot really put into words how daunting that is for me.

it can be hard though, day to day, when i am surrounded by people dealing with IF and the last person you'd expect announces she's pregnant. a girl at work announced last week that she is pregnant. i hate that that situation still gives me mixed feelings. i want to be happy for her. i really feel that children are life's greatest joy and i want that happiness for everyone who wants it, without the pain and frustration of IF because i wouldn't wish that on anyone. but there's still the lingering resentment and jealousy because i want to be the one making that announcement or for one of the four other girls at the office who've been trying to be the one.

of course, the day i found out that K was pregnant, i also found out that an acquaintance from high school was pregnant. later in the week, i got word that one of my IF friends was expecting, and a few days later, another dear friend announced her pregnancy... i want to take this mish-mosh of babies as a sign for things to come....

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