Friday, June 18, 2010

next steps

well, i'm not pregnant. ivf 3 was a colossal failure. i somewhat feel like we wasted it. i don't know. it is what it is, i guess, and hopefully we'll get some guidance on monday when we have our follow up with the doctor.

i feel like we have to proceed with caution because our insurance only covers one more ivf cycle. one more. that's it, and after that - what? do we decide to remain a family of three, and continue to cherish noah as the most precious boy in our lives? is that so terrible? well no, and for a minute i thought i was okay with only having one child, but on second thought, i want to be selfish for myself and i want noah to have a sibling or siblings to grow old with and to have with him after ben and i are gone.

or maybe, we think about adoption, which i think is a very respectable and generous route, but has never really been in the forefront of my mind. it's never even really been in the back of my mind. again, i'm selfish. i want to be pregnant again. i want to try a vaginal delivery. i want to try to breast feed. i want my own biological child, and noah's biological sibling.

and while the process of adoption is length and stressful, it's almost more of a sure thing than scrounging up the money to pay for ivf #5 (or beyond) which is NOT a sure thing. i'm getting older. my eggs are getting older. i don't have the luxury of time.

but maybe i do. maybe we need to take a minute and see if things "changed" after my being pregnant and delivering noah. the doctor's like to say things can "change" after infertility. i don't really believe them. they also said my infertility is not linked to my medical history, which i also don't really believe...

i'm kind of numb right now, which is maybe good, but probably bad. i actually had a long conversation yesterday with my friend stacy about the fact that ivf #3 failed and that i wasn't sure what to do next. after losing her twins at 2- i just have to stop and say i kind of hate myself at this moment for just forgetting how many weeks stacy was...... she lost the twins at 23 weeks, and she is doing remarkably well. she is able to acknowledge the pain of the loss, and the reality that the end goal has not changed, but the path has. and still i feel selfish and watch my words when we talk, though we are dear friends and i know i don't have to, but i have noah, and she has two angels who she never got to know. BUT the point is, she is already talking about doing ivf #6 (with a frozen embryo) in the fall. she wants to understandably get passed her due date before doing so, which unfortunately happens to be the same day as her 31st birthday. happy fucking birthday.

i feel like i have so many questions for my doctor, but i can't get them all out of my head. it's all just swirling, and i keep thinking now is just not the time. maybe i need to get myself in a better place physically first and then it will happen. but like i said, my clock is ticking at like warp speed, and i don't know how much longer we can wait.

i need to make an appointment with my new rheumatologist. i got really motivated after news came of my negative pregnancy test, and finally decided to call and ask to switch doctors. i also decided i need to look into starting acupuncture and massage ASAP - i 100% plan on doing acu during my next ivf cycle, whenever that may be.

so - okay, that's enough from me for tonight, if any of that even made sense. i'm too tired to focus right now, and hopefully i'll have some clarity this weekend so ben and i can have a long convo about what to do and questions to ask. ultimately, i kind of think i have my mind (or my heart?) made up that we need to find a way to have another baby, if it means paying for ivf beyond what insurance covers. but god, i hope it doesn't have to come to that.

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