...with mixed emotions...

God, as if the hormones haven't been enough of an emotional roller coaster in recent weeks, I hear MORE bad news. What. The. Fuck.

Saturday was one month since Stacy's sweet boys were born and died. I later learned that a friend of a friend lost her baby at 8.5 months gestation, the same week Stacy lost her boys. And it was the day before the girl's friggin birthday. I also learned that April 29th was the first birthday/anniversary of a similiar situation, in which the baby of a guy I went to high school with died in utero. April 29th was the day Stacy's boys came into and left this world.

Saturday was also the day that I learned that a dear friend's 16 week old son died from SIDS. Sam was a girl who I went through the IVF process with the first time around. Her son Caden was due the day after Noah, but her water broke at 29 weeks and he was born at 35 weeks. Sam went back to do IVF the spring after our boys were born, and on the first attempt became pregnant with twins. Will & Mason were born in February, and although I've never met Sam and her family (or any of the other girls on my iVillage IVF message boards), there is a unique bond between all of us. The news that Mason had passed away on Friday was as devastating to me as if it had happened to one of my dear IRL ("in real life") friends.

The sadness of losing a child, whether in-utero or in their first weeks or months of life, is just unimaginable. I can't imagine, nor do I even want to try to imagine what Sam and her husband (and their two remaining boys, and even the dog) are going through. I think I would rather die than go on living without Noah. Again with trying to understand WHY these things happen. WHY do good people have to suffer though so much pain?

And yet, I need to bury my current sadness and anger at the world, and focus on my own life and my own goals at this moment in our lives.

We are in the midst of IVF for "Baby K 2.0". My egg retrival was yesterday, and very successful. We retrieved 12 eggs, 9 of which were mature, and 6 of which fertilized. Looking back on IVF#1 (Oct 07), I had 6 eggs, 2 were mature, and 2 were fertilized and transferred. IVF#2 (Jan 08 resulting in Noah) retrieved 5 eggs, and just 1 was fertilized and transferred. There is no guarantee that all 6 will continue to thrive, but our hope is that the majority do so we can have a few embryos to freeze and keep as a back-up plan. We are feeling very optimistic about this cycle, and fortunately, Noah has been a happy distraction.

I just hope the bad news and negative karma can cease and desist for a while so that more good and happy news can take the reigns for awhile....

a quick thought...

i was very a very active blogger when i was pregnant with noah, and i'm a very very bad blogger now. i'm also bad at photo albums, the baby book, my journal, and these types of things. don't even THINK about using my name and scrapbooking in the same sentence...

anyways, i was just thinking about how focused i was on everything TTC and baby back then, and how distracted and busy i am these days!

i've been keeping it on the DL, but IVF to make Noah a big brother is underway. Just keep us in your thought and send all the positive vibes you can spare. We're hoping for a quick and easy road, and that my RA will go into remission again during another pregnancy as it did with Noah. I'm having a LOT of joint problems (pain, swelling, stiffness, etc.) with the hormone protocol this go-round, and i'm hoping the end of the pain is in sight. it's been an emotional couple of months with everything my dear friend went through, but i have an amazing support system with my family and co-workers and their support makes a world of difference.