what's going on...

*16 weeks, 3 days*

I've been meaning to blog for awhile. I've in the 2nd trimester now, but I'm still chronically exhausted so using my brain and my hands to create a blog entry is generally the last thing I want to do. But here's an update on us:

Since my scary bleeding episode, everything's been fine. No spotting, nothing. Saw the OB again June 13th and baby's HB on doppler was in the high 150s. He said he'd see me again for a routine appt in 3 weeks (which is on July 5th, our 8th anniversary!), and then the following week, when I'm 18 weeks, he'll do the next ultrasound. THE ultrasound. So sometime the week of July 11th we will hopefully know if Baby #2 needs a boy name or a girl name. I truly do feel like it's a boy. Didn't have a feeling with Noah, but this time, I have a feeling. Aside from the weird hormone levels in the beginning, the random bleeding/low placenta, and my joints being slightly more inflamed this time around, this pregnancy has been pretty similar to my first. I'm know I'm kind of convincing myself it's a boy so that I'll be good with it. I know that sounds awful, but this was our last ditch IVF, and it would take the stars and moon aligning and a miracle from the heavens for us to have any more kids. I'd like to have a girl so I can have one of each, but at the end of the day, I will not be disappointed if it's a boy. Just want it to be full term and healthy.

Aside from that, we took the side rail off Noah's crib on the 12th, as the first step in the process of transitioning him to his new bedroom. He was realllly excited about it and thought it was so cool. He has gone to bed easily every night, though weekend naps can be a challenge. He always stays in bed, even in the morning after he wakes up, but doesn't always sleep for naps. The first morning, I found him across the room on the floor in front of his bookshelf. It was hilarious, because I opened the door and looked at the bed, then the floor next to the bed, but no Noah. Then there he was, next to the bookshelf. The second night, we heard him fall out of bed around 11:30pm. He landed safely on the body pillow I'd put next to the bed as a safety net, and he was still asleep! The third night, he finally stayed in bed. Since then, he's only fallen out of bed once, this past Saturday around 4am, and the body pillow was NOT next to the bed to break his fall. He woke up screaming and shaking, and it took sometime for Ben and I to calm him down. Poor kid.

Noah also took a gymnastics class - his first - for the last four Tuesdays, which ended today. My mother-in-law took him, and it kind of made me sad that I have to work and didn't get to see him in class, but glad he got to do it all the same. It was a pretty unstructured class, but he really seemed to enjoy many of the activities, most of all the trampoline. He told me tonight "i like the trampoline". We might have to sign him up again in the fall... but until then, he'll start a dance class in a few weeks. :)

I've been sick since last Wednesday. Last week, I thought it was just laryngitis, but on Friday night it turned into a head cold, sinus infection thing. The congestion and sinus pressure has been killer, but I'm pretty sure I had the same thing when I was pregnant with Noah too.

Other than that, things are pretty low key around here. Because of my lack of energy, almost nothing has gotten done around the house. We have til December, sure, but mama's a planner, and I want to get on these projects ASAP. When I have energy.

The other thing we have done is to start looking at cars. We are taking the plunge, selling my car, and buying an SUV. Granted, a small SUV, but still. The next step is to do a couple more test drives, compare all the specs, and make a decision. Which will not be easy because I feel like there's a lot riding on this. I've NEVER bought a car, let alone a new car. Ugh. So stressful.

1st OB u/s pic

I forgot to post this sooner - this is our u/s pic from our 1st OB appt on May 24th, when I was 11 weeks, 3 days.

unplanned four day vacation

*13 weeks, 2 days*

you'd think a four day weekend would usually be welcomed, but when you don't get to do anything fun or productive, it kind of sucks. i've been really good about taking it easy. i've spent most of the weekend on the couch, on the internet and watching TV, which gets real old, real fast. now i have a glimpse of how sh*tty bedrest is, and i've known people who've had to be on bedrest for months. i shouldn't be complaining about four days...

anyways, like i might have mentioned before, ben stayed home with me on friday, and was off work yesterday and today. on saturday, our friend's amy & mike offered to take noah for a few hours, and took him and their daughter anna to centennial beach pool in naperville. it was nice to have him doing something other than just sitting here staring at the TV with me, but it was weird being home alone on a saturday morning for the first time in, oh, about 32 months... my mom brought lunch on saturday around the time noah came home, and then she stayed til noah woke from his nap. the nurse didn't specifically say i couldn't life noah, but given she said not to carry groceries or laundry, my 34lb child is surely on that list...

i missed my dear friend anne's baby shower on saturday. i considered going, but i knew the right thing for me and baby to do was to stay home and do some online shopping instead... my sister graciously stepped up to help me out with some stuff that needed to be done for anne's shower, as i was in charge of decorations for the shower.

mid-day saturday, i developed a major headache that lasted several hours, and i also had mild cramps that kind of freaked me out, but didn't last very long. i have been working hard to drinks lots of water and eat lots of food, though i haven't been super interested in food so far with this pregnancy. this comes as a huge bummer...

my OB appt is today at 5:30 and i'm hoping (assuming) we'll have another ultrasound to double check the baby's still looking good, and hopefully get a visual on the placental issue. i'm assuming that since i'm not bleeding or cramping regularly, i'll be cleared to resume regular activity. i hope he lets me go back to work full time, because these two unplanned days off are torturing me. i only have so many days to take for maternity leave, and i hate having to use them now. :/ but i know i don't have a choice and i'm doing the right thing. wish us luck at our appointment today!

a big scare

*12 weeks, 6 days*

So let's recap the last few weeks of this pregnancy. I told my closest girlfriends I was pregnant right around 8 weeks, and my coworkers right around 9 weeks, and then went Facebook official. Around 10 weeks, my pants started fitting tight, and people started noticing in the last few weeks that my belly was becoming a BELLY.

On Tuesday May 24th, I had my first OB appt with Dr Carroll. We talked for a long time, probably close to an hour. (The joys of being the last appt of the day!) We talked a lot about VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), and I expressed my desire to make a VBAC the goal. My only condition with doing a VBAC is that I don't want to go past 39 weeks, since with a VBAC I can't be induced. If nothing's happening by 39 weeks, then c-section it is. No going til 41 weeks for me. And to that, I also requested we do a last u/s to confirm baby is head down, so I don't go along thinking VBAC when the baby is breech...

Anyway, fast foward to last night. Aside from the exhaustion and constipation, I'm feeling great. Starting to make the switch to maternity clothes. No vomiting, and nausea only a total of 3 or 4 times. No food or smell sensitivity, etc. Had a pretty average work day, ran some errands for a friend's baby shower after work, and got home just before 8:00.

I came in and sat down with Ben & Noah, who was eating dinner, for a few minutes, then got up to pee. And then I felt the all to familiar woosh that women feel at "that time of the month". But it's not "that time of the freaking month", i'm almost 13 weeks pregnant! But lo and behold, I pull down my pants and about fall over. Before I can pull up my pants (or pee for that matter), I stumble out of the bathroom, tell Ben I'm bleeding and we have to go to the hospital, and call my mom to say "I'm bleeding, need to go to the ER, come watch Noah". I was trembling. Poor Noah was upset and confused and asked why mommy was crying. I said something about how I was okay (don't mind the shaking and inability to stand), and within a minute it seemed my mom was here. I kissed Noah's head, and we drove the mile and a half to the hospital.

The ER visit went like this. Wait anxiously in the waiting room, in a wheelchair because I'm not sure I can walk. Try not to cry or freak out because it feels like it's taking FOR-FUCKING-EVER for them to take me in. Nurse takes me to triage, gets my vitals, asks a few questions. Phlebotomist, who according to Ben had a tic, comes in to draw what felt like a gallon of blood, and then wheels me back to a room. Nurse comes in, gives me a once over, checks my vitals again, and says she's going to start an IV and find the baby's HB on the doppler. I tell her I have to pee (remember, I got up to pee and didn't when this all started), so I do, and there's lots of blood. It was scary. Back to the room, get the IV (in my elbow, which I hate IVs there, though they are less painful to get), and the dumbass nurse tries to find the HB near my belly button, thinks she finds it and it's 104 which "is normal this early in pregnancy". Um, it's normal if I'm like 6 weeks, not 13. Anyways, we don't put much stock in this nurse.

So introducing Dr Douchebag. From the moment he walked in, we know he was a tool. Ben later said he was living out his "ER" (the TV show) fantasy at CDH. Dr D said he was more concerned about me than my baby at the moment (not quite those words, but close), and would do a pelvic exam and u/s. Great, a pelvic exam but an ER doc. Dream come true. No stirrups, no paper blanket to cover my girl parts, just the doctor, the nurse, and the tools. But he said my cervix looked normal and the exam was normal. He said that miscarriage is common in the first trimester (REALLY? NO SHIT.) and told us the u/s department was very busy and was running behind, so we might be waiting awhile. I'd been thinking the M word but it was the first time some one said it aloud. Bastard.

A half hour later the u/s tech comes to wheel me to the imagining area. She was a lovely lady. She told us that she couldn't tell us anything about the scan, and that the doctor would read it and let us know. This made me anxious. Shortly after she started the abdominal u/s, she said she did see the heartbeat and the baby was moving like crazy. That made me feel a million times better. Between the abdominal and vaginal ultrasounds, we were probably in there for 30 minutes.

After the u/s, a different nurse came back in to check my vitals and try again with the doppler. She seemed to catch it for a few beats, but we didn't mind. The u/s lady told us it was there.

A bit later and after supposedly talking to my OB, Dr Douche popped his head in and basically said - the u/s looks normal, so we're gonna send you home now, and well, you know the drill. I was like, HUH? What drill? I've never experienced bleeding during pregnancy so, no, I certainly do not know the drill.

He said to call the OBs office in the morning to follow up, and that there was no specific cause for the bleeding. He reminded us that miscarriage generally occurs in the first trimester, and they sent us packing with discharge paperwork that listed information about "threatened miscarriage". Great.

So needless to say, I slept very little last night for fear of increased bleeding, cramps, contractions, etc. I had already texted my boss late last night and gotten coworkers to cover today's mtgs so that was taken care of. Ben and I both stayed home with the intention of getting some sleep but I was up at 8:00 because sleeping was not working for me.

I called the OBs office shortly after 8:00 and got the answering service. Called shortly after 8:30, and got the receptionist, who said they normally don't bring people in for vaginal bleeding. (WHAT? Hello, did I fail to mention I'm 13 weeks pregnant?) I insisted, saying I had unanswered questions because the ER doc was a douche, er, didn't give us much information. Receptionist said the nurse would be in at 9:30 and she'd leave her a msg to call me.

9:30, 10:30, 11:00 rolls around, and she hasn't called. So I call. Sorry Alicia, I'm not sitting here, bleeding, waiting for your call. I explained to her that we did not have a great ER experience. The doctor gave us very little information, and I want to see the doctor to get questions answered and find out the cause of the bleeding. She puts me on hold. She took a look at my u/s and baby looks good. She's going to talk to the doctor and call me back, but tells me she's holding a 4:00 appt for me. Okay, good.

Ben takes Noah, who also didn't seem to sleep well last night, outside, while I try to snooze on the couch. At 1:30, my phone rings, and it's Alicia. She said they took a closer look at u/s, and it appears that I have a low lying placenta. "Is this the cause of the bleeding?" I ask. "Yes", she says. "Is there reason to be concerned, will it resolve, I think I had that with Noah, what do we do now", I state.

Basically, my placenta is attached too close to my cervix. She said that as the baby grows and the pregnancy progresses, the baby will pull the placenta up, thus moving it out of the "low lying" position. I read that 90% of low lying placentas will resolve in this manner. The remaining 10%? She says if it doesn't move as pregnancy progresses, I would not be able to delivery vaginally.

Okay, after this bleeding scare, to hell with VBAC. I want this baby full term and healthy, and that is all that matter.

So what now? I have a diagnosis and reason for the bleeding (sidenote: bleeding seems to be subsiding), and now my orders are to "chill" this weekend. (Her words.) No heavy lifting, no housework, no sex, etc. So Noah and I will have a baby sitter tomorrow so Ben can go back to work, and I will stay home on Monday until I see Dr Carroll and get the all clear to go back to work. I have an appt on at 5:30pm on Monday because it's all they had, though I asked to be on a cancellation list, if possible, to come in sooner. I also asked about the baby's heart rate on the u/s. She told me it was 158. Perfect.

So for now, I'm laying low (like my placenta), and being waited on. Poor Noah is napping now. My mom said he was very nervous after our abrupt departure last night, and was asking where we went, and then couldn't fall asleep until they snuggled up in our bed. Poor kid.

updated...

*9 weeks, 1 day*

For the last several weeks, I've been blogging but not posting them. But now things are officially, and for the most part (short of making it "Facebook Official"), our secret has gone public. We're expecting!!! I am due on December 9th, and aside from complete exhaustion from being pregnant and wrangling a two year old every day, I'm feeling great! Anyways, I just posted all my hidden blogs from the past several weeks, so go back to the beginning of April if you're an avid reader to catch up with my journey.

graduation day

*8 weeks, 2 days*

Today I "graduated" from FCI. It was so bittersweet. I love everyone there, and I'm so grateful for each and every one of them. I bought a thank you card, brownies and cupcakes, and there were hugs all around. It was somewhat sad thinking that this would be my last time ever in this office as a patient.

Noah was not impressed by the image on the monitor, but we showed him a picture of the baby, with it's heart beating an impressive 172 beats per minute. wow. at this point (well at 10 weeks) noah's HB was 158. if the old wives tale is true, maybe this is a girl!

taking a step back, it occurs to me that i never wrote about the debacle of the first week and a half of this pregnancy. so my first beta was great, had me thinking twins. 2nd beta was not great. from 314 to 478 is *not* doubling. 3rd beta was even worse - 678. that weekend was so hard on me. i read so many things and asked so many questions to my fellow IF/IVFers. everyone reassured me - vanishing twin, they explained. this had to be the reason. another embryo still present in my uterus but not healthy enough to attach and survive. but still i wondered - what if it's ectopic? what if i'm going to miscarry?

after the 3rd beta was so low that friday, they pushed my 1st u/s to weds, as the HCG level has to be over 1200 or so for anything to be visible on u/s. on monday, the original u/s day, i spoke to my nurse gabby, who'd been out on friday. i asked about my progesterone levels. they were perfect, in the high 50s and low 60s. she assured me, with those prog numbers, it was not ectopic. i asked if i could come for a 4th beta (the other nurse on friday told me no), and i told gabby i needed some piece of mind and something to tide me over til the u/s on weds. she told me to come in.

later that day, i got a call from gabby that finally gave me an ounce of peace. she said she'd wanted to see the HCG level over 1600, and it was 1851. that number is forever etched in my mind, because it finally gave me hope that i was pregnant for good.

that weds, we went in for the first u/s. i was so nervous, and i know ben was too. there was no expectation to see a heartbeat. i was only 5.5 weeks, but we hoped to see SOMETHING, in the right spot, growing the way it should. and that's exactly what we saw. one beautiful embryo, tucked right in the middle of my uterus, measuring exactly 5.5 weeks. and then there was this smaller, somewhat crescent shaped shadow below my beauty on the screen. could it be? robin, the tech, couldn't be sure but said it could either be a collection of fluid or an unhealthy embryo. our vanishing twin.

when robin told us everything looked perfect, i lost it. i started sobbing and hugged her. given my rollercoaster week, i know she understood. plus, this was her job. she deals with crazy, hormonal, pregnant infertiles all.the.time. just another day for her.

on wednesday, a week later, we saw the heart beat for the first time. at 6.5 weeks, it was 122, and the "twin" was gone. i don't mourn the loss of the "twin". many people on my IF/IVF boards expressed their condolences. yes, twins would have been welcome, but i'm just grateful to have one healthy baby growing in me, and i'm not one to mourn a cluster of cells that was never meant to be. i know that sounds harsh, but after four rounds of IVF and a total of 12 embryos, i'll take two healthy babies as my final outcome any day of the week. :)

A-Z for infertility

a real post coming soon, i promise, but first thanks to liz at Compromised Fertility for this...

A. Age when you started Trying to Conceive (TTC): It was early 2006, so I was (doing the math) 27.

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: BD always was a weird term to me...

C. Children wanted: Two or three.

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Two cats and one Child

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Before my last IVF cycle, I was taking Vitamin C, D, CoQ10, extra Folic Acid and Prenatals. Now just folic and vitamins.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Ack, so many!! Clomid, Lupron, Follistim, Ganerelix, Menopur, low dose HCG... hm. probably others.

G. Gain: IVF always makes me gain 5-10. And then there's the 10 I never lost after Noah...

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Yes, one when we first started Clomid, so fall of 2006.

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: People who get pregnant without trying and/or people who bitch and moan about the kids they have.

J. Job title: Early Intervention Service Coordinator

K. Kids names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Emily was my girl name with Noah. Might be in the running someday, but no names that are truly "must haves".

L. Length of time TTC: Days shy of two years with Noah. On and off for 2.5 years since Noah.

M. Miscarriages: None. Thankfully.

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: What's an FS?? Only switched OB when I started TTC. Was at Dupage Medical and switched to Dr C on the recommendation of a former co-worker who'd had fertility issues. Never switched REs. One of the best medical teams I've ever dealt with. And coming from me, that says a lot.

O. Ovarian quality: Questionable. May have diminished ovarian reserve. Test results for my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) seem to fluctuate every time they're tested. But I for sure do not stim well.

P. Pee on a Stick (POAS) or wait for Aunt Flo (AF): I am not one to POAS.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "I'm so fat and ugly."

S. Sperm: Perfect. No problems in that department.

T. Time you tried naturally: About six months before going to Dr C and starting Clomid. And then roughly a year and a half between Noah and IVF #3, and another ten months between #3 and #4.

U. Uterus quality: Good as far as we know. Possible endometriosis, but besides one cyst, no other evidence of endo.

V. Vagina: Poked and prodded by countless medical professionals.

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: Seeing as I have a 2.5 year old, I have it all, and I kept it all in hopes we'd get to use it again someday.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Family, friends, co-workers, strangers.... I'm known for being open about my IVF journey. I draw strength from sharing my story, and I know my honesty has helped others cope with their journey's as well.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): I go every year, though I think I am currently over due...

Z. Zits: Usually not a problem for me, even with all the hormones.

lazy sunday

A. Age: 32

B. Bed size: California King. It's hard to sleep in anything else.

C. Chore you dislike: Most, but if I have to pick I'd say vacuuming.

D. Dogs: None. Not a big dog person.

E. Essential start to your day: Bathroom, meds, shower.

F. Favorite color: Blue.

G. Gold or silver: Silver. Most of my jewelry is silver and my wedding rings are platinum.

H. Height: 5'7" ish.

I. Instruments you play(ed): Played the clarinet for (...doing the math...) 12 years? Started in fifth grade and was a certified band nerd throughout high school and college. Even marched in college.

J. Job title: Early Intervention Service Coordinator

K. Kids: Two and a half year old Noah Taylor, the coolest kid I know.

L. Live: In a split-level house in Winfield, IL

M. Mom’s name: Kathleen

N. Nicknames: Mindy, since my full name is Melinda, but I also get Min or Mind a lot.

O. Overnight hospital stays: Lots. Was in a week after my gall bladder was removed. Was in a few days after my lung biopsy. Was in for five days due to a post-op infection. And several days following Noah's birth.

P. Pet Peeve: Again, lots. Ignorance and stupidity are probably on top of the list.

Q. Quote from a movie: I'm terrible with quotes. I blame it on my 80 year old memory.

R. Righty or lefty: Righty. I think Noah's gonna be a south-paw.

S. Siblings: One sister, one half-sister, three brothers-in-law, and two sisters-in-law.

T. Time you wake up: Depends on the day, but since Noah started on a normal sleep schedule, I can't sleep much past 8:00.

U. Underwear: Boring cotton bikinis. Usually Hanes from Target cuz they're cheap.

V. Vegetables you don’t like: I like most, but definitely can't do brussel sprouts or peas. Blech.

W. What makes you run late: Usually Ben. Honestly, if it's just me, I can usually have my shit together in time, but when it's the two (or three) of us going anywhere, we're always late. But sometimes it's just because we oversleep.

X. X-rays you’ve had: So many. Probably every joint has been x-rayed at some point.

Y. Yummy food you make: If you know me, you know I don't cook. :/ Wish I did, but fortunately, I don't have to. ;)

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Whatever gets Noah excited. This last zoo trip, he was excited to see the giraffes, and they were actually pretty cool.

2.5

Yesterday, Noah turned two and a half and pooped on the potty twice. Wow.

I'm in awe everyday of him. How smart he is. How funny he is. How inquisitive he is. How polite he is. (Please, Thank you, Welcome, Love you.) Don't get me wrong - he has his moments. He's in a kind of bossy stage. "Mine" is a new familiar word. Time outs are becoming a routine occurance. But I always remind him that he is a good boy. (He just needs to learn to listen and not to throw toys, his two downfalls.)

We're looking forward to the weather turning to summer. Last weekend, we went to Klein Creek Farm with Gaga and Brookfield Zoo as a family with Auntie Juty, Uncle Shott, and Gigi, Amy, Mike, & (Noah's IL girlfriend) Anna. The weather was lovely, and we all got sunburned at the Zoo. This week however has been another story.

We are looking forward to lots of fun things this summer, including a recent decision to join Amanda, Robert, Isaac, & Laine for a long weekend in the Wisconsin Dells in August. I think the Dells just Ben, Noah, & I might not be so much fun, but with the other kids, I think Noah will have the time of his life! On top of that, there's the annual trip to Piatt Lake in the UP of Michigan, a few Cubs games, a few concerts (Ray LaMontagne and Brandi Carlisle for mommy & daddy, and New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys for mommy & auntie), and surely numerous playdates and visits to the playground. We're also planning on getting a pool pass, and I'm thinking of enrolling Noah in a dance or gymnastics class.

It's gonna be a great summer with my TWO AND A HALF YEAR OLD!!! Seriously? I can't believe how quickly time goes...

limbo

i've had a lot on my mind that i don't really feel comfortable blogging about right now, since i don't know who all is reading this. hopefully i'll be able to share the whole story sometime soon, but until then, just sit tight. long story short, life throws you curve balls, and sometimes you need to wait to find out the outcome. and let me just say that the limbo i'm in is the worst limbo of my life. i think my brain and heart might explode.