so first and foremost, stacy was d/c from the hospital on friday, and went today for her weekly check-up. everything is a-okay, "stable" was her word. cervix at 3.8 and hanging in there. officially, she's on a month of bedrest. unofficially, i want her to stand on her head for the next four months and keep that precious babe in. there's very little expectation of her coming back to work. the doctor probably said a month just to give her some sense of sanity. i think the reality is that the doctor is on pins and needles with the rest of us. kim and i are going to visit stac on thursday, and i think it will do me well to actually have a conversation with her and find out exactly where her head's at.
on a lighter note, noah fell down the stairs on saturday. *sigh* yeah i won mom of the year in the third week into twenty eleven. he's a big boy and can manage stairs, but i think between the post-nap haze, the beloved juice cup, and a freaking blue matchbox car, he just didn't have coordination to safely make it down the stairs... thank goodness we live in a split level, so the number of stairs he grazed is less than or equal to six. though the thud at the bottom, on the tile mind you, was deafening, only second to the scream i let out when i realized what had just happened.... but alas, he will live. i iced him with a bag of peas, only after frantically trying to reach ben and getting my mom, who came with jeff to console, er calm me down. and then julie & scott dropped grant off for the night. lovely.
noah looks like he's sprouting horns, with two big, round, blue circles on each temple. my poor babe. but on the upswing, prior to "the tumble", he told my mom on the phone "yub oo" or love you (in english). i about cried, and we've been reinforcing it ever since. the way that the whole please and thank you (pee and tank-oo) has finally fallen into place, soon yub oo will be part of daily life. :)
a few other things to note: we finally booked our airfare to AZ and i have a tentative timeline for my yet to be named IVF cycle. (i was gonna go with 2.1 but that makes me feel like then there will be a 2.2, etc and that's not in the plan.)
yes, AZ is booked - we fly late feb 23 and return on mar 1. we'll be hitting two spring training games during that time, and more importantly, will get to spend time with some very dear friends.
and as for IVF, i plan on trying to keep it on the DL IRL, but goodness knows that's a nearly impossible task for me. the long story short is that i will start the suppression component when i get my period, sometime in the next week, then i'll be on the pill (yes, THAT pill) for three weeks and will start shots while i'm in AZ. when i'm back from AZ they'll do my baseline blood and u/s and go from there with the stimulation process. all said, i hope to bring home a baby next january! :)
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
PPT needed...
long story short - my friend who lost her IVF twins in april at 23 weeks is now 20 weeks with pregnancy #2. they have been monitoring her weekly to keep a close eye on any cervical changes, but today she went for her routine check and they admitted her because she's starting to dialate. what.the.eff. they did an emergency cerclage at 8pm tonight, and she was told she'll be on bedrest for at least two weeks, and at most the duration of her pregnancy.
i have feeling so helpless and wish i could do something to comfort her, but the timing of this is so cruel. she was admitted at 20 weeks with her twin pregnancy because she was in preterm labor, both dialating and effacing. they held off on the cerclage for a week or so, before doing it at .5cm as a last ditch to save the pregnancy. she's still at like 3.9cm so all i can do is hope it does the trick and the benefits outweigh the risks this time around.
i just feel so bad - my heart aches for her! i can't explain how hard this pregnancy has been. she hasn't been able to enjoy being pregnant because she lives with the fear of the not so distant memories. we keep telling her, get to 20, 23, 24 weeks, and hopefully then you'll have some peace and be able to enjoy being pregnant. a preemie? it would be hard, but that she can handle - we work in EI for chr*st sake - resources are at our fingertips. but oh, to lose another child. i can't even let myself go there. i don't want my mind to go there, but i cannot stop my mind from running laps...
just needed to release that. maybe i'll go to bed and wake up and it will all have been a bad dream.... but just in case, please send stacy & doug and that sweet baby, who is wanted in this world more than the universe knows, all the prayers and positive thoughts you can spare.
i have feeling so helpless and wish i could do something to comfort her, but the timing of this is so cruel. she was admitted at 20 weeks with her twin pregnancy because she was in preterm labor, both dialating and effacing. they held off on the cerclage for a week or so, before doing it at .5cm as a last ditch to save the pregnancy. she's still at like 3.9cm so all i can do is hope it does the trick and the benefits outweigh the risks this time around.
i just feel so bad - my heart aches for her! i can't explain how hard this pregnancy has been. she hasn't been able to enjoy being pregnant because she lives with the fear of the not so distant memories. we keep telling her, get to 20, 23, 24 weeks, and hopefully then you'll have some peace and be able to enjoy being pregnant. a preemie? it would be hard, but that she can handle - we work in EI for chr*st sake - resources are at our fingertips. but oh, to lose another child. i can't even let myself go there. i don't want my mind to go there, but i cannot stop my mind from running laps...
just needed to release that. maybe i'll go to bed and wake up and it will all have been a bad dream.... but just in case, please send stacy & doug and that sweet baby, who is wanted in this world more than the universe knows, all the prayers and positive thoughts you can spare.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
words
in the last two weeks or so, noah has made some MAJOR gains in his speech. it's truly amazing to see! early last week, he said grandpa for the first time, and i was totally caught off guard. i asked him then to say grandma, and he did!! i was so excited! after months of my mom being gaga, ben's parents finally have names!!! the day or two after that, noah finally started calling himself noah instead of nih, and dora is now do-uh, instead of dih.
the things that come out his mouth are crazy. words that we look at each other and say "did you teach him that?" and the phrases too! watch show, one more, jump down... i mean that's just the tip of the iceberg! last night he said something - hm. now i can't remember but it was a three word phrase that ben and i just looked at each other stunned. he's really trying hard to tell us things and ask for things, and we really try to encourage him. he's saying harder words too - elephant is el fant. avacado is cowdoh. after basically no words last may besides an inconsistent mama and dada, he has come so far! and if you ask his name, he might even tell you it's noah ko-ching.
tonight he was looking at a picture of ben's grandma, and i asked if he know who that was. he said dog. i said yeah she has a dog. that's great grandma, can you say great grandma?
and you know what? he did. :)
the things that come out his mouth are crazy. words that we look at each other and say "did you teach him that?" and the phrases too! watch show, one more, jump down... i mean that's just the tip of the iceberg! last night he said something - hm. now i can't remember but it was a three word phrase that ben and i just looked at each other stunned. he's really trying hard to tell us things and ask for things, and we really try to encourage him. he's saying harder words too - elephant is el fant. avacado is cowdoh. after basically no words last may besides an inconsistent mama and dada, he has come so far! and if you ask his name, he might even tell you it's noah ko-ching.
tonight he was looking at a picture of ben's grandma, and i asked if he know who that was. he said dog. i said yeah she has a dog. that's great grandma, can you say great grandma?
and you know what? he did. :)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
resolutions
so i'm not one to make new years resolutions, but i definitely have goals for the year. i would love to eat healthier and live happier, reduce clutter in my home, and of course, have another baby. one other thing i'd really like to do is to try to blog on a more regular basis, not so much because i think anyone reads it, but moreso for my own peace and clarity. i feel like it was such a good outlet for me when i was pregnant, and when i was trying to get pregnant with noah, i utilized my IVF message boards for the same purpose.
so that said...
noah had speech today for the first time since getting tubes last week. he is continuing to make hugs strides with his speech. the things that he comes up with sometimes almost brings tears to my eyes because i'm just so in awe of how cool he is.
work today was uneventful, thankfully. january is historically the busiest month of the year for us, so i mostly spent the day tying up loose ends, closing cases, and getting mtgs scheduled.
i did come to the realization today when i was driving to work that i need to start my IVF process. i feel like obviously it's something i want to do, but for fear of failure, i keep putting it off. i guess in the back of my mind i think i won't have to deal with the possibility of failure if i just do go through the process. but of course, in putting off the possibility of failure, i'm also putting off the possibility of success, and with that, the dream of noah being a big brother. so i talked to my fellow IVFer at work about my thought process, and of course, she supported me in my maddening volley of logic, and encouraged me to at least call and make an appointment.
so i came home tonight, loved on noah, and chatted with ben about where my brain is at. i think we came to the resolution that if i am ready, we should do it, and agree that if it doesn't work this time, then we will look at the out-of-pocket IVF options and find the money to go again... so i guess my next step is to call the RE and make and appt to get the ball rolling once again...
with all of these thoughts also comes the possibility of an arizona trip for spring training in march!!! the thought of AZ in the spring thrills me!! dear friends, warm weather, cubs games, in-n-out burgers!!! ah, the joys are endless!
and soon after that begins the rash of babies again, as i have SEVERAL friends (mostly, or possibly exclusively, ex-CFC girls) who are pregnant and due this spring and summer. :) i am clawing to get on that wagon. stay tuned!
so that said...
noah had speech today for the first time since getting tubes last week. he is continuing to make hugs strides with his speech. the things that he comes up with sometimes almost brings tears to my eyes because i'm just so in awe of how cool he is.
work today was uneventful, thankfully. january is historically the busiest month of the year for us, so i mostly spent the day tying up loose ends, closing cases, and getting mtgs scheduled.
i did come to the realization today when i was driving to work that i need to start my IVF process. i feel like obviously it's something i want to do, but for fear of failure, i keep putting it off. i guess in the back of my mind i think i won't have to deal with the possibility of failure if i just do go through the process. but of course, in putting off the possibility of failure, i'm also putting off the possibility of success, and with that, the dream of noah being a big brother. so i talked to my fellow IVFer at work about my thought process, and of course, she supported me in my maddening volley of logic, and encouraged me to at least call and make an appointment.
so i came home tonight, loved on noah, and chatted with ben about where my brain is at. i think we came to the resolution that if i am ready, we should do it, and agree that if it doesn't work this time, then we will look at the out-of-pocket IVF options and find the money to go again... so i guess my next step is to call the RE and make and appt to get the ball rolling once again...
with all of these thoughts also comes the possibility of an arizona trip for spring training in march!!! the thought of AZ in the spring thrills me!! dear friends, warm weather, cubs games, in-n-out burgers!!! ah, the joys are endless!
and soon after that begins the rash of babies again, as i have SEVERAL friends (mostly, or possibly exclusively, ex-CFC girls) who are pregnant and due this spring and summer. :) i am clawing to get on that wagon. stay tuned!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
reflections on 2010
so i didn't really want to reflect on 2010, but the more i think about it and am reminded about the year that was, i feel more and more obligated to close the door on it. so here goes...
since the spring, i've wanted the year to be over, and truly for good reason. not all because of bad things that happened directly to me, but because i take other people's pain and struggles to heart, i hurt for so many people in 2010.
best i can recall, it started with the passing of my uncle steve, my dad's brother. i was hit hard by this loss for a number of reasons. one - he never met my noah, which hurts in and of itself, but also because my dad never got to meet noah (and vice versa) and i guess in my mind steve was the closest thing to him. two - he was so much like my dad, in both the good ways and the bad, but regardless, every time i saw him, it was haunting... three - i can't remember the last time i saw him. stab, and twist. i mourn that we haven't been closer to him and my dad's family since my dad died in 97, but yet, we still don't see that part of the family, except at funerals, it seems...
sometime around then, i started having a flare-up of my arthritis. i distinctly remember getting my nails done for amanda's wedding in arizona, and the manicurist tweeked something in one of my fingers and that started it. from there, my fingers swelled, my joints locked, and i started going downhill fast. by summer, i was basically crippled and struggled to care for myself and noah. work was challenging for me, as every keystroke made my fingers ache and my knees throbbed as i sat at my desk.
and then there was the swing that hit me in my gut like nothing i've ever experienced. i've experienced loss in tragic ways and felt sadness more overwhelming than can be described, but i will never forget the day i received the phone call at work in early april. after getting pregnant with twins after five rounds of IVF, my dear friend called following her 20 week high risk appointment saying that she was being admitted to the hospital because she was almost fully effaced. i held it together while i was on the phone, but after i got off, i lost it. i know at that moment there would not be a positive outcome. three weeks later, she had to give birth to twin boys at 23 weeks.
i know that this was truly the turning point of my year. i held stacy's loss as if it had happened to me, and despite my best efforts, i could not shake the pain. she was so strong, so stoic, so brave. i know i would not have been able to keep it together. i don't know how, but she put the pieces back together, and jumped back in. she is now 18 weeks pregnant.
a month and a day after stacy gave birth, another blow. a friend - whom i call my friend, because she is, though we have never met - lost her four month old, one of twins, to SIDS. i met sam through my IVF message boards on ivillage.com and we were due one day apart with noah and caden, and we lived every moment of that IVF cycle and our pregnancies right along with one another. we shared every happiness, every fear, and every dirty detail of labor, delivery, breastfeeding, diaper changing, etc. us October girls were tight. so when i read on her facebook page a month and a day after stacy's boys were born and died that mason had died in his crib, i fell apart. poor noah must've thought his mama was crazy during those months. i was an emotional mess. i was heart broken all over again.
but we pushed on. i had thought we'd start back with IVF around noah's first birthday, but i wasn't feeling quite ready at the time. so we pushed it back. or i did. we never really talked about it. it just never felt right, and honestly, looking back, i'm not sure what made us go for it in june. i think i needed something good to happen, and i hoped that this would be it.
unfortunately, as you know, it didn't work, and in retrospect, i think i wasn't fully ready emotionally, and i know now that physically, i should not have cycled. i was in the midst of the worst flare-up of my adult life, yet i went ahead with my cycle.
from there, things kind of leveled out. i got my negative pregnancy test, and decided it was time to change rheumatologists, explore my fertility options, and try to refocus my life. i still kind of feel all over the place sometimes. i know i should exercise, eat better, declutter my life, but with two boys in the house, it's hard to make some of those changes.
it also doesn't help that arthritis wears you down, both physically and emotionally. i always think of things that i WANT to do, but don't have the energy or strength to do. i always thing of things that i should say, but can't muster the courage, strength, or fight to do it. and when i do, i get a moment's reprieve and then it's back to the grind.
***
so with that, i say peace out 2010, and don't let the door hit'cha! i'm gonna take 2011 by the balls and say eff you to pain and sadness. i'm gonna get pregnant this year, i'm gonna make certain that i get all aspects of my life and house in order (within reason), and i'm gonna be happy.
<3
since the spring, i've wanted the year to be over, and truly for good reason. not all because of bad things that happened directly to me, but because i take other people's pain and struggles to heart, i hurt for so many people in 2010.
best i can recall, it started with the passing of my uncle steve, my dad's brother. i was hit hard by this loss for a number of reasons. one - he never met my noah, which hurts in and of itself, but also because my dad never got to meet noah (and vice versa) and i guess in my mind steve was the closest thing to him. two - he was so much like my dad, in both the good ways and the bad, but regardless, every time i saw him, it was haunting... three - i can't remember the last time i saw him. stab, and twist. i mourn that we haven't been closer to him and my dad's family since my dad died in 97, but yet, we still don't see that part of the family, except at funerals, it seems...
sometime around then, i started having a flare-up of my arthritis. i distinctly remember getting my nails done for amanda's wedding in arizona, and the manicurist tweeked something in one of my fingers and that started it. from there, my fingers swelled, my joints locked, and i started going downhill fast. by summer, i was basically crippled and struggled to care for myself and noah. work was challenging for me, as every keystroke made my fingers ache and my knees throbbed as i sat at my desk.
and then there was the swing that hit me in my gut like nothing i've ever experienced. i've experienced loss in tragic ways and felt sadness more overwhelming than can be described, but i will never forget the day i received the phone call at work in early april. after getting pregnant with twins after five rounds of IVF, my dear friend called following her 20 week high risk appointment saying that she was being admitted to the hospital because she was almost fully effaced. i held it together while i was on the phone, but after i got off, i lost it. i know at that moment there would not be a positive outcome. three weeks later, she had to give birth to twin boys at 23 weeks.
i know that this was truly the turning point of my year. i held stacy's loss as if it had happened to me, and despite my best efforts, i could not shake the pain. she was so strong, so stoic, so brave. i know i would not have been able to keep it together. i don't know how, but she put the pieces back together, and jumped back in. she is now 18 weeks pregnant.
a month and a day after stacy gave birth, another blow. a friend - whom i call my friend, because she is, though we have never met - lost her four month old, one of twins, to SIDS. i met sam through my IVF message boards on ivillage.com and we were due one day apart with noah and caden, and we lived every moment of that IVF cycle and our pregnancies right along with one another. we shared every happiness, every fear, and every dirty detail of labor, delivery, breastfeeding, diaper changing, etc. us October girls were tight. so when i read on her facebook page a month and a day after stacy's boys were born and died that mason had died in his crib, i fell apart. poor noah must've thought his mama was crazy during those months. i was an emotional mess. i was heart broken all over again.
but we pushed on. i had thought we'd start back with IVF around noah's first birthday, but i wasn't feeling quite ready at the time. so we pushed it back. or i did. we never really talked about it. it just never felt right, and honestly, looking back, i'm not sure what made us go for it in june. i think i needed something good to happen, and i hoped that this would be it.
unfortunately, as you know, it didn't work, and in retrospect, i think i wasn't fully ready emotionally, and i know now that physically, i should not have cycled. i was in the midst of the worst flare-up of my adult life, yet i went ahead with my cycle.
from there, things kind of leveled out. i got my negative pregnancy test, and decided it was time to change rheumatologists, explore my fertility options, and try to refocus my life. i still kind of feel all over the place sometimes. i know i should exercise, eat better, declutter my life, but with two boys in the house, it's hard to make some of those changes.
it also doesn't help that arthritis wears you down, both physically and emotionally. i always think of things that i WANT to do, but don't have the energy or strength to do. i always thing of things that i should say, but can't muster the courage, strength, or fight to do it. and when i do, i get a moment's reprieve and then it's back to the grind.
***
so with that, i say peace out 2010, and don't let the door hit'cha! i'm gonna take 2011 by the balls and say eff you to pain and sadness. i'm gonna get pregnant this year, i'm gonna make certain that i get all aspects of my life and house in order (within reason), and i'm gonna be happy.
<3
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
new noah words
in recent weeks - daddy (as opposed to dada), zoo ("e-yoo"), limo ("yih-mow"), boo!, hello ("hay-yo"), and hi. he reads LOTS of digger books, and can identify the difference between a grater ("guh"), bulldozer ("buh"), tractor ("truh"), trailer ("truh"), dump truck ("dip truh"). he repeats "i" and when i ask him to say "love" he usually says "mama" (meaning "I love mama"). he says joe a lot which either means semi-truck (from one of his favorite books about big joe) or miss jo, his speech therapist.
i can usually understand what he's saying in context, but a lot sounds (ie. "buh" "guh" or "muh") mean multiple different thing - for example: buh is boat, back, boots, and ball (though he'll say ball if we prompt him) to name a few.
he LOVES dora and diego. love. he begs me everyday when we get home to watch them. he says "dih" (dora), "day-go" (diego) and dances to dora's "we did it" dance every time.
i can usually understand what he's saying in context, but a lot sounds (ie. "buh" "guh" or "muh") mean multiple different thing - for example: buh is boat, back, boots, and ball (though he'll say ball if we prompt him) to name a few.
he LOVES dora and diego. love. he begs me everyday when we get home to watch them. he says "dih" (dora), "day-go" (diego) and dances to dora's "we did it" dance every time.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Two years, IF & more babies
i've not been so good about blogging lately. life has been busy and my mind has been busy. the thought to blog came to me today when i happened on a show on channel 11 where paula zahn was taking infertility with some of her guests.
anytime the topic of IF or IVF comes up, i have mixed feelings. part of me feels sad and that ache of wanting another baby creeps in. but then i feel overwhelming joy and pride, and the look on the face of my angel child almost brings tears to my eyes (despite the terrible twos creeping in). i feel so lucky to have my noah, who will be two on friday. i've said it before and i'll say it again - infertility sucks, but had i not walked that road, i know i would not be the mother that i am now. however unfair it might be to say, i know that i wanted this boy so desperately that i love him more than i would have if he'd come easily to us.
this week, one of the pioneers of IVF, dr. robert edwards, was awarded the nobel prize for medicine. i agree with melissa over at stirrup queens that the nobel prize doesn't really mean a whole lot in this day and age, especially with dr. edwards' award coming over 30 years AFTER the fact, but i am grateful for some positive press for IVF (aside from the vatican's denouncement of the honor). after the whole octomom debacle of two years ago, it's nice for someone to publicly say something good about IVF. and truly, i am grateful to dr. edwards (and his colleague, the late dr patrick steptoe) for their discovery. without their research and hard work, i do not believe that my noah would be here today.
we've come so far from our IF journey. it feels like forever ago, and sometimes it's hard to believe noah's only turning two. i feel like he's been a part of my life forever, and it's exciting to think about him being around for the rest of my life. i want him to have a sibling or two, and i hope that my mind and body will allow that to happen. preferably sooner than later, though that is a huge decision on the horizon... part of me thinks we need to go before the end of the year, since my deductible's been met, but part of me thinks that i'm not quite ready to go down that road. it will be our last IVF cycle covered by insurance, and i cannot really put into words how daunting that is for me.
it can be hard though, day to day, when i am surrounded by people dealing with IF and the last person you'd expect announces she's pregnant. a girl at work announced last week that she is pregnant. i hate that that situation still gives me mixed feelings. i want to be happy for her. i really feel that children are life's greatest joy and i want that happiness for everyone who wants it, without the pain and frustration of IF because i wouldn't wish that on anyone. but there's still the lingering resentment and jealousy because i want to be the one making that announcement or for one of the four other girls at the office who've been trying to be the one.
of course, the day i found out that K was pregnant, i also found out that an acquaintance from high school was pregnant. later in the week, i got word that one of my IF friends was expecting, and a few days later, another dear friend announced her pregnancy... i want to take this mish-mosh of babies as a sign for things to come....
anytime the topic of IF or IVF comes up, i have mixed feelings. part of me feels sad and that ache of wanting another baby creeps in. but then i feel overwhelming joy and pride, and the look on the face of my angel child almost brings tears to my eyes (despite the terrible twos creeping in). i feel so lucky to have my noah, who will be two on friday. i've said it before and i'll say it again - infertility sucks, but had i not walked that road, i know i would not be the mother that i am now. however unfair it might be to say, i know that i wanted this boy so desperately that i love him more than i would have if he'd come easily to us.
this week, one of the pioneers of IVF, dr. robert edwards, was awarded the nobel prize for medicine. i agree with melissa over at stirrup queens that the nobel prize doesn't really mean a whole lot in this day and age, especially with dr. edwards' award coming over 30 years AFTER the fact, but i am grateful for some positive press for IVF (aside from the vatican's denouncement of the honor). after the whole octomom debacle of two years ago, it's nice for someone to publicly say something good about IVF. and truly, i am grateful to dr. edwards (and his colleague, the late dr patrick steptoe) for their discovery. without their research and hard work, i do not believe that my noah would be here today.
we've come so far from our IF journey. it feels like forever ago, and sometimes it's hard to believe noah's only turning two. i feel like he's been a part of my life forever, and it's exciting to think about him being around for the rest of my life. i want him to have a sibling or two, and i hope that my mind and body will allow that to happen. preferably sooner than later, though that is a huge decision on the horizon... part of me thinks we need to go before the end of the year, since my deductible's been met, but part of me thinks that i'm not quite ready to go down that road. it will be our last IVF cycle covered by insurance, and i cannot really put into words how daunting that is for me.
it can be hard though, day to day, when i am surrounded by people dealing with IF and the last person you'd expect announces she's pregnant. a girl at work announced last week that she is pregnant. i hate that that situation still gives me mixed feelings. i want to be happy for her. i really feel that children are life's greatest joy and i want that happiness for everyone who wants it, without the pain and frustration of IF because i wouldn't wish that on anyone. but there's still the lingering resentment and jealousy because i want to be the one making that announcement or for one of the four other girls at the office who've been trying to be the one.
of course, the day i found out that K was pregnant, i also found out that an acquaintance from high school was pregnant. later in the week, i got word that one of my IF friends was expecting, and a few days later, another dear friend announced her pregnancy... i want to take this mish-mosh of babies as a sign for things to come....
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
the latest adventures of noah
let's see...
one of noah's newest words is "um". oh my god, are mommy's communication skills so bad that UM is word that noah hears often enough to add it to his limited vocabulary?? apparently so.
on monday, i came home from work to find out that noah had removed his own diaper during nap for the first time. he had pooped in his diaper, and then proceeded to pee in the bed.
on tuesday night i asked noah to smile, and he did. it's the sweetest little bashful smile, but FINALLY he smiles on command. hopefully that will make for some super cute two year old shots!
today we officially signed noey up for "preschool". he's going to be going to a parent day out program two days per week, 2.5 hours a day at one of the churches in town. i think it will be so perfect for him in terms of giving him more social opportunities with peers, and hopefully having some good language models to help move his speech along! they do a snack time too, so maybe we'll get lucky and decide he likes to eat crackers because the other kids eat crackers!!
one of noah's newest words is "um". oh my god, are mommy's communication skills so bad that UM is word that noah hears often enough to add it to his limited vocabulary?? apparently so.
on monday, i came home from work to find out that noah had removed his own diaper during nap for the first time. he had pooped in his diaper, and then proceeded to pee in the bed.
on tuesday night i asked noah to smile, and he did. it's the sweetest little bashful smile, but FINALLY he smiles on command. hopefully that will make for some super cute two year old shots!
today we officially signed noey up for "preschool". he's going to be going to a parent day out program two days per week, 2.5 hours a day at one of the churches in town. i think it will be so perfect for him in terms of giving him more social opportunities with peers, and hopefully having some good language models to help move his speech along! they do a snack time too, so maybe we'll get lucky and decide he likes to eat crackers because the other kids eat crackers!!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
finally feeling better
oh thank god the drugs are working!!! i've been a new person this month. i was so afraid the damage was done, but the prednisone did the trick. now, if i can just figure out what to do next with the baby making..... insurance pays for one more IVF cycle, and beyond that, we're on our own. i'm trying to stay positive and just take it one step at a time, but i cannot help but think big picture...
but that is a thought for another day -
but that is a thought for another day -
Monday, August 9, 2010
contemplating a nervous breakdown
i have had a LOT on my mind lately. a lot. i don't even know if i have the time or energy to recap it all right now, but i'm sad i haven't been better about blogging, since lord knows poor noah's baby book is empty, save for a handful of the "easy" pages.
2010 has been a struggle. i didn't expect this to be such a challenging year. my goal for 2010 was to get pregnant with baby number two. you'd think after two years of infertility and two rounds of IVF i would have known it wasn't that easy. but i would have never guessed all the twists and turns the year would take and the emotional toll that the sadness of others would wear on me.
long story short, my arthritis has been flaring up since around february, and i have felt the worst these past few months as i have entire my entire adult life. i have struggled to take care of myself, let alone noah, and unforuntately, when i'm in pain, my temper surfaces and i am easily angered and frustrated.
i thought doing an IVF cycle in june was a good decision. in my mind, we would do it, it would work, and i would be pregnant and therefore, feel better. when i was pregnancy and nursing, i felt fantastic, and i thought - man, if i could just be pregnant... on the contrary, the IVF hormones made me feel worse, and the failed cycle pushed me to move on changing some things in my life.
i switched rheumatologists. same clinic, different doctor. i switched from a ho-hum, laid back, wait-and-see doctor, to a young, female, osteopathic doc who i hoped would embrace my concerns and tell me she had so many ideas to help me feel better. let's just say, she didn't embrace me. don't get me wrong. she has responsive to my concerns, and i feel like just making the change is a psychological fix, if only for the short term. she put my on some meds - namely prednisone, a steroid, which is meant to be a quick fix in the short term. it is helping a lot, but i no it won't last because i can't stay on it indefiniely. we talked about possible other drug options, but she didn't want to try anything if i am considering getting pregnant anytime soon. she said she would want the drugs she had in mind to be out of my system for six months - my eff-ing clock is ticking lady! i don't have six months! i may run out of eggs and options in six months! *deep breathe* she ran some tests, and determined that i was significantly anemia - moreso than usual. i did follow up bloodwork which confirmed that it is an iron-deficiency anemia, and she referred me to my primary.
now i don't have a primary... i'm always just used my rheumy as a primary, and gone to the clinic to see whomever when i've had a cold. so i went to my mom's primary. mom highly recommended her, and i thought, if i can just find someone who will hear my concerns, and tell me it is something more, and they know what will help. nope. she referred me to a GI doctor, put me on iron supplements, and something to protect my stomach from the meds the rheum put me on. she said the anemia could be caused by internal bleeding, a possible side-effect of a med i'd previously been on, and the GI may want to do an endoscopy.
now let's back up a minute. on top of physically feeling like shit since february, having been on an emotional rollercoaster with stacy's loss of her twins, other friend's and acquaintances losing their babies, and my own BFN from my IVF cycle, we had our open enrollment meeting at work in mid-july, where i found out that my premium is going from $500/mo (blue cross PPO for the entire fam) to $740/mo, and my specialist co-pays are going from $20 to $40, which is fucking fantastic since practically every doctor noah and i see are specialists..... seriously? they offered a secondary PPO option, that was $600/mo but has fewer in-network providers, one of which is missing is noah's pediatric group. EHHHHHH! big no. not switching. not when i ***LOVE*** the pediatrician. ***LOVING*** a doctor is a huge deal to me, and i am not willing to switch.
anyways, so i saw the rheum, i saw the primary, i have an appt with the hemotologist, which i may cancel because i'm so FUCKING busy this month, and the doctors have assured me my anemia is of the iron-deficiency sort, not the hereditary spherocytosis, you-need-a-transfusion-and-your-spleen's-about-to-burst kind.
i also saw the reproductive immunologist, dr. coulam. she is one of the best known RIs in the world, and totally acknowleges the (obvious to me) correlation between auto-immune diseases and infertility. i went to her basically knowing that given my medical and fertility history, she would want to run a battery of tests, bloodwork that i was 100% prepared to do that day. however...
the lab they use does not work with insurance, the doctor and nurse tell me. insurance might pay a portion of it, but you have to contact them to find out, submit the claim, and so forth, they say. oh and the testing costs $1350, plus $50 shipping and handling, and you have to pay up-front, cash, check, or credit TODAY.
wait, what?
i can't ask that many questions, i suppose. RIs are NOT a dime a dozen, and i'm on my last leg if i want another baby. but shit! $1400 up-front that insurance MAY cover a PERCENTAGE of??? yikes.
i haven't done the bloodwork yet, though i know ultimately i probably will, and should do it soon. i called the insurance company today, and they told me what info they'd need to have to tell me whether or not they would pay the claim. i am waiting to hear back from the billing department at the RIs clinic.
so that said, i am finally feeling better this week, thanks to the prednisone. for the first time in months, i can make fists with both hands. i don't cry because of the pain when i get out of bed in the morning. but my mind still races with the thoughts of what to do next. i do not know what my next move should be, and the primary made a comment that i can't get out of my mind.
she said it's hard to live with arthritis, and it's hard to care for a small child, but both of those things together are very hard. she said do you work? yes. full time? yes. if possible, you might think about going down to part time. (choking back tears) okay.
i say okay, but i really mean, well my job can be stressful, but it's very different from most jobs. i can come and go as i please, and i don't necessarily always work 40 hours.
but still. she's probably right. am i burning the candle at both ends? am i wearing myself down to the point that i'm causing more harm?
i worry constantly about getting old, not because i'm worried about wrinkles or saggy boobs, but because i'm afraid of what arthritis will do to me. i have had this disease for 30 years, and i am only 31 years old. most people who've had arthritis for 30 years have a foot in the grave. i want to live at least another 30 years, but i don't think longer is asking too much. but what kind of life will it be when i'm 61 and have had arthritis for 60 years? if this is the state of my body now, i'm terrified, T.E.R.R.I.F.I.E.D. of what it will be like when i'm older.
it's something above and beyond what most people can begin to comprehend, which is why, with what feels like the entire freaking deck stacked again me right now, i am contemplating a nervous breakdown.
but not until after i get back from vacation. :)
2010 has been a struggle. i didn't expect this to be such a challenging year. my goal for 2010 was to get pregnant with baby number two. you'd think after two years of infertility and two rounds of IVF i would have known it wasn't that easy. but i would have never guessed all the twists and turns the year would take and the emotional toll that the sadness of others would wear on me.
long story short, my arthritis has been flaring up since around february, and i have felt the worst these past few months as i have entire my entire adult life. i have struggled to take care of myself, let alone noah, and unforuntately, when i'm in pain, my temper surfaces and i am easily angered and frustrated.
i thought doing an IVF cycle in june was a good decision. in my mind, we would do it, it would work, and i would be pregnant and therefore, feel better. when i was pregnancy and nursing, i felt fantastic, and i thought - man, if i could just be pregnant... on the contrary, the IVF hormones made me feel worse, and the failed cycle pushed me to move on changing some things in my life.
i switched rheumatologists. same clinic, different doctor. i switched from a ho-hum, laid back, wait-and-see doctor, to a young, female, osteopathic doc who i hoped would embrace my concerns and tell me she had so many ideas to help me feel better. let's just say, she didn't embrace me. don't get me wrong. she has responsive to my concerns, and i feel like just making the change is a psychological fix, if only for the short term. she put my on some meds - namely prednisone, a steroid, which is meant to be a quick fix in the short term. it is helping a lot, but i no it won't last because i can't stay on it indefiniely. we talked about possible other drug options, but she didn't want to try anything if i am considering getting pregnant anytime soon. she said she would want the drugs she had in mind to be out of my system for six months - my eff-ing clock is ticking lady! i don't have six months! i may run out of eggs and options in six months! *deep breathe* she ran some tests, and determined that i was significantly anemia - moreso than usual. i did follow up bloodwork which confirmed that it is an iron-deficiency anemia, and she referred me to my primary.
now i don't have a primary... i'm always just used my rheumy as a primary, and gone to the clinic to see whomever when i've had a cold. so i went to my mom's primary. mom highly recommended her, and i thought, if i can just find someone who will hear my concerns, and tell me it is something more, and they know what will help. nope. she referred me to a GI doctor, put me on iron supplements, and something to protect my stomach from the meds the rheum put me on. she said the anemia could be caused by internal bleeding, a possible side-effect of a med i'd previously been on, and the GI may want to do an endoscopy.
now let's back up a minute. on top of physically feeling like shit since february, having been on an emotional rollercoaster with stacy's loss of her twins, other friend's and acquaintances losing their babies, and my own BFN from my IVF cycle, we had our open enrollment meeting at work in mid-july, where i found out that my premium is going from $500/mo (blue cross PPO for the entire fam) to $740/mo, and my specialist co-pays are going from $20 to $40, which is fucking fantastic since practically every doctor noah and i see are specialists..... seriously? they offered a secondary PPO option, that was $600/mo but has fewer in-network providers, one of which is missing is noah's pediatric group. EHHHHHH! big no. not switching. not when i ***LOVE*** the pediatrician. ***LOVING*** a doctor is a huge deal to me, and i am not willing to switch.
anyways, so i saw the rheum, i saw the primary, i have an appt with the hemotologist, which i may cancel because i'm so FUCKING busy this month, and the doctors have assured me my anemia is of the iron-deficiency sort, not the hereditary spherocytosis, you-need-a-transfusion-and-your-spleen's-about-to-burst kind.
i also saw the reproductive immunologist, dr. coulam. she is one of the best known RIs in the world, and totally acknowleges the (obvious to me) correlation between auto-immune diseases and infertility. i went to her basically knowing that given my medical and fertility history, she would want to run a battery of tests, bloodwork that i was 100% prepared to do that day. however...
the lab they use does not work with insurance, the doctor and nurse tell me. insurance might pay a portion of it, but you have to contact them to find out, submit the claim, and so forth, they say. oh and the testing costs $1350, plus $50 shipping and handling, and you have to pay up-front, cash, check, or credit TODAY.
wait, what?
i can't ask that many questions, i suppose. RIs are NOT a dime a dozen, and i'm on my last leg if i want another baby. but shit! $1400 up-front that insurance MAY cover a PERCENTAGE of??? yikes.
i haven't done the bloodwork yet, though i know ultimately i probably will, and should do it soon. i called the insurance company today, and they told me what info they'd need to have to tell me whether or not they would pay the claim. i am waiting to hear back from the billing department at the RIs clinic.
so that said, i am finally feeling better this week, thanks to the prednisone. for the first time in months, i can make fists with both hands. i don't cry because of the pain when i get out of bed in the morning. but my mind still races with the thoughts of what to do next. i do not know what my next move should be, and the primary made a comment that i can't get out of my mind.
she said it's hard to live with arthritis, and it's hard to care for a small child, but both of those things together are very hard. she said do you work? yes. full time? yes. if possible, you might think about going down to part time. (choking back tears) okay.
i say okay, but i really mean, well my job can be stressful, but it's very different from most jobs. i can come and go as i please, and i don't necessarily always work 40 hours.
but still. she's probably right. am i burning the candle at both ends? am i wearing myself down to the point that i'm causing more harm?
i worry constantly about getting old, not because i'm worried about wrinkles or saggy boobs, but because i'm afraid of what arthritis will do to me. i have had this disease for 30 years, and i am only 31 years old. most people who've had arthritis for 30 years have a foot in the grave. i want to live at least another 30 years, but i don't think longer is asking too much. but what kind of life will it be when i'm 61 and have had arthritis for 60 years? if this is the state of my body now, i'm terrified, T.E.R.R.I.F.I.E.D. of what it will be like when i'm older.
it's something above and beyond what most people can begin to comprehend, which is why, with what feels like the entire freaking deck stacked again me right now, i am contemplating a nervous breakdown.
but not until after i get back from vacation. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)