so i didn't really want to reflect on 2010, but the more i think about it and am reminded about the year that was, i feel more and more obligated to close the door on it. so here goes...
since the spring, i've wanted the year to be over, and truly for good reason. not all because of bad things that happened directly to me, but because i take other people's pain and struggles to heart, i hurt for so many people in 2010.
best i can recall, it started with the passing of my uncle steve, my dad's brother. i was hit hard by this loss for a number of reasons. one - he never met my noah, which hurts in and of itself, but also because my dad never got to meet noah (and vice versa) and i guess in my mind steve was the closest thing to him. two - he was so much like my dad, in both the good ways and the bad, but regardless, every time i saw him, it was haunting... three - i can't remember the last time i saw him. stab, and twist. i mourn that we haven't been closer to him and my dad's family since my dad died in 97, but yet, we still don't see that part of the family, except at funerals, it seems...
sometime around then, i started having a flare-up of my arthritis. i distinctly remember getting my nails done for amanda's wedding in arizona, and the manicurist tweeked something in one of my fingers and that started it. from there, my fingers swelled, my joints locked, and i started going downhill fast. by summer, i was basically crippled and struggled to care for myself and noah. work was challenging for me, as every keystroke made my fingers ache and my knees throbbed as i sat at my desk.
and then there was the swing that hit me in my gut like nothing i've ever experienced. i've experienced loss in tragic ways and felt sadness more overwhelming than can be described, but i will never forget the day i received the phone call at work in early april. after getting pregnant with twins after five rounds of IVF, my dear friend called following her 20 week high risk appointment saying that she was being admitted to the hospital because she was almost fully effaced. i held it together while i was on the phone, but after i got off, i lost it. i know at that moment there would not be a positive outcome. three weeks later, she had to give birth to twin boys at 23 weeks.
i know that this was truly the turning point of my year. i held stacy's loss as if it had happened to me, and despite my best efforts, i could not shake the pain. she was so strong, so stoic, so brave. i know i would not have been able to keep it together. i don't know how, but she put the pieces back together, and jumped back in. she is now 18 weeks pregnant.
a month and a day after stacy gave birth, another blow. a friend - whom i call my friend, because she is, though we have never met - lost her four month old, one of twins, to SIDS. i met sam through my IVF message boards on ivillage.com and we were due one day apart with noah and caden, and we lived every moment of that IVF cycle and our pregnancies right along with one another. we shared every happiness, every fear, and every dirty detail of labor, delivery, breastfeeding, diaper changing, etc. us October girls were tight. so when i read on her facebook page a month and a day after stacy's boys were born and died that mason had died in his crib, i fell apart. poor noah must've thought his mama was crazy during those months. i was an emotional mess. i was heart broken all over again.
but we pushed on. i had thought we'd start back with IVF around noah's first birthday, but i wasn't feeling quite ready at the time. so we pushed it back. or i did. we never really talked about it. it just never felt right, and honestly, looking back, i'm not sure what made us go for it in june. i think i needed something good to happen, and i hoped that this would be it.
unfortunately, as you know, it didn't work, and in retrospect, i think i wasn't fully ready emotionally, and i know now that physically, i should not have cycled. i was in the midst of the worst flare-up of my adult life, yet i went ahead with my cycle.
from there, things kind of leveled out. i got my negative pregnancy test, and decided it was time to change rheumatologists, explore my fertility options, and try to refocus my life. i still kind of feel all over the place sometimes. i know i should exercise, eat better, declutter my life, but with two boys in the house, it's hard to make some of those changes.
it also doesn't help that arthritis wears you down, both physically and emotionally. i always think of things that i WANT to do, but don't have the energy or strength to do. i always thing of things that i should say, but can't muster the courage, strength, or fight to do it. and when i do, i get a moment's reprieve and then it's back to the grind.
***
so with that, i say peace out 2010, and don't let the door hit'cha! i'm gonna take 2011 by the balls and say eff you to pain and sadness. i'm gonna get pregnant this year, i'm gonna make certain that i get all aspects of my life and house in order (within reason), and i'm gonna be happy.
<3
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
new noah words
in recent weeks - daddy (as opposed to dada), zoo ("e-yoo"), limo ("yih-mow"), boo!, hello ("hay-yo"), and hi. he reads LOTS of digger books, and can identify the difference between a grater ("guh"), bulldozer ("buh"), tractor ("truh"), trailer ("truh"), dump truck ("dip truh"). he repeats "i" and when i ask him to say "love" he usually says "mama" (meaning "I love mama"). he says joe a lot which either means semi-truck (from one of his favorite books about big joe) or miss jo, his speech therapist.
i can usually understand what he's saying in context, but a lot sounds (ie. "buh" "guh" or "muh") mean multiple different thing - for example: buh is boat, back, boots, and ball (though he'll say ball if we prompt him) to name a few.
he LOVES dora and diego. love. he begs me everyday when we get home to watch them. he says "dih" (dora), "day-go" (diego) and dances to dora's "we did it" dance every time.
i can usually understand what he's saying in context, but a lot sounds (ie. "buh" "guh" or "muh") mean multiple different thing - for example: buh is boat, back, boots, and ball (though he'll say ball if we prompt him) to name a few.
he LOVES dora and diego. love. he begs me everyday when we get home to watch them. he says "dih" (dora), "day-go" (diego) and dances to dora's "we did it" dance every time.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Two years, IF & more babies
i've not been so good about blogging lately. life has been busy and my mind has been busy. the thought to blog came to me today when i happened on a show on channel 11 where paula zahn was taking infertility with some of her guests.
anytime the topic of IF or IVF comes up, i have mixed feelings. part of me feels sad and that ache of wanting another baby creeps in. but then i feel overwhelming joy and pride, and the look on the face of my angel child almost brings tears to my eyes (despite the terrible twos creeping in). i feel so lucky to have my noah, who will be two on friday. i've said it before and i'll say it again - infertility sucks, but had i not walked that road, i know i would not be the mother that i am now. however unfair it might be to say, i know that i wanted this boy so desperately that i love him more than i would have if he'd come easily to us.
this week, one of the pioneers of IVF, dr. robert edwards, was awarded the nobel prize for medicine. i agree with melissa over at stirrup queens that the nobel prize doesn't really mean a whole lot in this day and age, especially with dr. edwards' award coming over 30 years AFTER the fact, but i am grateful for some positive press for IVF (aside from the vatican's denouncement of the honor). after the whole octomom debacle of two years ago, it's nice for someone to publicly say something good about IVF. and truly, i am grateful to dr. edwards (and his colleague, the late dr patrick steptoe) for their discovery. without their research and hard work, i do not believe that my noah would be here today.
we've come so far from our IF journey. it feels like forever ago, and sometimes it's hard to believe noah's only turning two. i feel like he's been a part of my life forever, and it's exciting to think about him being around for the rest of my life. i want him to have a sibling or two, and i hope that my mind and body will allow that to happen. preferably sooner than later, though that is a huge decision on the horizon... part of me thinks we need to go before the end of the year, since my deductible's been met, but part of me thinks that i'm not quite ready to go down that road. it will be our last IVF cycle covered by insurance, and i cannot really put into words how daunting that is for me.
it can be hard though, day to day, when i am surrounded by people dealing with IF and the last person you'd expect announces she's pregnant. a girl at work announced last week that she is pregnant. i hate that that situation still gives me mixed feelings. i want to be happy for her. i really feel that children are life's greatest joy and i want that happiness for everyone who wants it, without the pain and frustration of IF because i wouldn't wish that on anyone. but there's still the lingering resentment and jealousy because i want to be the one making that announcement or for one of the four other girls at the office who've been trying to be the one.
of course, the day i found out that K was pregnant, i also found out that an acquaintance from high school was pregnant. later in the week, i got word that one of my IF friends was expecting, and a few days later, another dear friend announced her pregnancy... i want to take this mish-mosh of babies as a sign for things to come....
anytime the topic of IF or IVF comes up, i have mixed feelings. part of me feels sad and that ache of wanting another baby creeps in. but then i feel overwhelming joy and pride, and the look on the face of my angel child almost brings tears to my eyes (despite the terrible twos creeping in). i feel so lucky to have my noah, who will be two on friday. i've said it before and i'll say it again - infertility sucks, but had i not walked that road, i know i would not be the mother that i am now. however unfair it might be to say, i know that i wanted this boy so desperately that i love him more than i would have if he'd come easily to us.
this week, one of the pioneers of IVF, dr. robert edwards, was awarded the nobel prize for medicine. i agree with melissa over at stirrup queens that the nobel prize doesn't really mean a whole lot in this day and age, especially with dr. edwards' award coming over 30 years AFTER the fact, but i am grateful for some positive press for IVF (aside from the vatican's denouncement of the honor). after the whole octomom debacle of two years ago, it's nice for someone to publicly say something good about IVF. and truly, i am grateful to dr. edwards (and his colleague, the late dr patrick steptoe) for their discovery. without their research and hard work, i do not believe that my noah would be here today.
we've come so far from our IF journey. it feels like forever ago, and sometimes it's hard to believe noah's only turning two. i feel like he's been a part of my life forever, and it's exciting to think about him being around for the rest of my life. i want him to have a sibling or two, and i hope that my mind and body will allow that to happen. preferably sooner than later, though that is a huge decision on the horizon... part of me thinks we need to go before the end of the year, since my deductible's been met, but part of me thinks that i'm not quite ready to go down that road. it will be our last IVF cycle covered by insurance, and i cannot really put into words how daunting that is for me.
it can be hard though, day to day, when i am surrounded by people dealing with IF and the last person you'd expect announces she's pregnant. a girl at work announced last week that she is pregnant. i hate that that situation still gives me mixed feelings. i want to be happy for her. i really feel that children are life's greatest joy and i want that happiness for everyone who wants it, without the pain and frustration of IF because i wouldn't wish that on anyone. but there's still the lingering resentment and jealousy because i want to be the one making that announcement or for one of the four other girls at the office who've been trying to be the one.
of course, the day i found out that K was pregnant, i also found out that an acquaintance from high school was pregnant. later in the week, i got word that one of my IF friends was expecting, and a few days later, another dear friend announced her pregnancy... i want to take this mish-mosh of babies as a sign for things to come....
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
the latest adventures of noah
let's see...
one of noah's newest words is "um". oh my god, are mommy's communication skills so bad that UM is word that noah hears often enough to add it to his limited vocabulary?? apparently so.
on monday, i came home from work to find out that noah had removed his own diaper during nap for the first time. he had pooped in his diaper, and then proceeded to pee in the bed.
on tuesday night i asked noah to smile, and he did. it's the sweetest little bashful smile, but FINALLY he smiles on command. hopefully that will make for some super cute two year old shots!
today we officially signed noey up for "preschool". he's going to be going to a parent day out program two days per week, 2.5 hours a day at one of the churches in town. i think it will be so perfect for him in terms of giving him more social opportunities with peers, and hopefully having some good language models to help move his speech along! they do a snack time too, so maybe we'll get lucky and decide he likes to eat crackers because the other kids eat crackers!!
one of noah's newest words is "um". oh my god, are mommy's communication skills so bad that UM is word that noah hears often enough to add it to his limited vocabulary?? apparently so.
on monday, i came home from work to find out that noah had removed his own diaper during nap for the first time. he had pooped in his diaper, and then proceeded to pee in the bed.
on tuesday night i asked noah to smile, and he did. it's the sweetest little bashful smile, but FINALLY he smiles on command. hopefully that will make for some super cute two year old shots!
today we officially signed noey up for "preschool". he's going to be going to a parent day out program two days per week, 2.5 hours a day at one of the churches in town. i think it will be so perfect for him in terms of giving him more social opportunities with peers, and hopefully having some good language models to help move his speech along! they do a snack time too, so maybe we'll get lucky and decide he likes to eat crackers because the other kids eat crackers!!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
finally feeling better
oh thank god the drugs are working!!! i've been a new person this month. i was so afraid the damage was done, but the prednisone did the trick. now, if i can just figure out what to do next with the baby making..... insurance pays for one more IVF cycle, and beyond that, we're on our own. i'm trying to stay positive and just take it one step at a time, but i cannot help but think big picture...
but that is a thought for another day -
but that is a thought for another day -
Monday, August 9, 2010
contemplating a nervous breakdown
i have had a LOT on my mind lately. a lot. i don't even know if i have the time or energy to recap it all right now, but i'm sad i haven't been better about blogging, since lord knows poor noah's baby book is empty, save for a handful of the "easy" pages.
2010 has been a struggle. i didn't expect this to be such a challenging year. my goal for 2010 was to get pregnant with baby number two. you'd think after two years of infertility and two rounds of IVF i would have known it wasn't that easy. but i would have never guessed all the twists and turns the year would take and the emotional toll that the sadness of others would wear on me.
long story short, my arthritis has been flaring up since around february, and i have felt the worst these past few months as i have entire my entire adult life. i have struggled to take care of myself, let alone noah, and unforuntately, when i'm in pain, my temper surfaces and i am easily angered and frustrated.
i thought doing an IVF cycle in june was a good decision. in my mind, we would do it, it would work, and i would be pregnant and therefore, feel better. when i was pregnancy and nursing, i felt fantastic, and i thought - man, if i could just be pregnant... on the contrary, the IVF hormones made me feel worse, and the failed cycle pushed me to move on changing some things in my life.
i switched rheumatologists. same clinic, different doctor. i switched from a ho-hum, laid back, wait-and-see doctor, to a young, female, osteopathic doc who i hoped would embrace my concerns and tell me she had so many ideas to help me feel better. let's just say, she didn't embrace me. don't get me wrong. she has responsive to my concerns, and i feel like just making the change is a psychological fix, if only for the short term. she put my on some meds - namely prednisone, a steroid, which is meant to be a quick fix in the short term. it is helping a lot, but i no it won't last because i can't stay on it indefiniely. we talked about possible other drug options, but she didn't want to try anything if i am considering getting pregnant anytime soon. she said she would want the drugs she had in mind to be out of my system for six months - my eff-ing clock is ticking lady! i don't have six months! i may run out of eggs and options in six months! *deep breathe* she ran some tests, and determined that i was significantly anemia - moreso than usual. i did follow up bloodwork which confirmed that it is an iron-deficiency anemia, and she referred me to my primary.
now i don't have a primary... i'm always just used my rheumy as a primary, and gone to the clinic to see whomever when i've had a cold. so i went to my mom's primary. mom highly recommended her, and i thought, if i can just find someone who will hear my concerns, and tell me it is something more, and they know what will help. nope. she referred me to a GI doctor, put me on iron supplements, and something to protect my stomach from the meds the rheum put me on. she said the anemia could be caused by internal bleeding, a possible side-effect of a med i'd previously been on, and the GI may want to do an endoscopy.
now let's back up a minute. on top of physically feeling like shit since february, having been on an emotional rollercoaster with stacy's loss of her twins, other friend's and acquaintances losing their babies, and my own BFN from my IVF cycle, we had our open enrollment meeting at work in mid-july, where i found out that my premium is going from $500/mo (blue cross PPO for the entire fam) to $740/mo, and my specialist co-pays are going from $20 to $40, which is fucking fantastic since practically every doctor noah and i see are specialists..... seriously? they offered a secondary PPO option, that was $600/mo but has fewer in-network providers, one of which is missing is noah's pediatric group. EHHHHHH! big no. not switching. not when i ***LOVE*** the pediatrician. ***LOVING*** a doctor is a huge deal to me, and i am not willing to switch.
anyways, so i saw the rheum, i saw the primary, i have an appt with the hemotologist, which i may cancel because i'm so FUCKING busy this month, and the doctors have assured me my anemia is of the iron-deficiency sort, not the hereditary spherocytosis, you-need-a-transfusion-and-your-spleen's-about-to-burst kind.
i also saw the reproductive immunologist, dr. coulam. she is one of the best known RIs in the world, and totally acknowleges the (obvious to me) correlation between auto-immune diseases and infertility. i went to her basically knowing that given my medical and fertility history, she would want to run a battery of tests, bloodwork that i was 100% prepared to do that day. however...
the lab they use does not work with insurance, the doctor and nurse tell me. insurance might pay a portion of it, but you have to contact them to find out, submit the claim, and so forth, they say. oh and the testing costs $1350, plus $50 shipping and handling, and you have to pay up-front, cash, check, or credit TODAY.
wait, what?
i can't ask that many questions, i suppose. RIs are NOT a dime a dozen, and i'm on my last leg if i want another baby. but shit! $1400 up-front that insurance MAY cover a PERCENTAGE of??? yikes.
i haven't done the bloodwork yet, though i know ultimately i probably will, and should do it soon. i called the insurance company today, and they told me what info they'd need to have to tell me whether or not they would pay the claim. i am waiting to hear back from the billing department at the RIs clinic.
so that said, i am finally feeling better this week, thanks to the prednisone. for the first time in months, i can make fists with both hands. i don't cry because of the pain when i get out of bed in the morning. but my mind still races with the thoughts of what to do next. i do not know what my next move should be, and the primary made a comment that i can't get out of my mind.
she said it's hard to live with arthritis, and it's hard to care for a small child, but both of those things together are very hard. she said do you work? yes. full time? yes. if possible, you might think about going down to part time. (choking back tears) okay.
i say okay, but i really mean, well my job can be stressful, but it's very different from most jobs. i can come and go as i please, and i don't necessarily always work 40 hours.
but still. she's probably right. am i burning the candle at both ends? am i wearing myself down to the point that i'm causing more harm?
i worry constantly about getting old, not because i'm worried about wrinkles or saggy boobs, but because i'm afraid of what arthritis will do to me. i have had this disease for 30 years, and i am only 31 years old. most people who've had arthritis for 30 years have a foot in the grave. i want to live at least another 30 years, but i don't think longer is asking too much. but what kind of life will it be when i'm 61 and have had arthritis for 60 years? if this is the state of my body now, i'm terrified, T.E.R.R.I.F.I.E.D. of what it will be like when i'm older.
it's something above and beyond what most people can begin to comprehend, which is why, with what feels like the entire freaking deck stacked again me right now, i am contemplating a nervous breakdown.
but not until after i get back from vacation. :)
2010 has been a struggle. i didn't expect this to be such a challenging year. my goal for 2010 was to get pregnant with baby number two. you'd think after two years of infertility and two rounds of IVF i would have known it wasn't that easy. but i would have never guessed all the twists and turns the year would take and the emotional toll that the sadness of others would wear on me.
long story short, my arthritis has been flaring up since around february, and i have felt the worst these past few months as i have entire my entire adult life. i have struggled to take care of myself, let alone noah, and unforuntately, when i'm in pain, my temper surfaces and i am easily angered and frustrated.
i thought doing an IVF cycle in june was a good decision. in my mind, we would do it, it would work, and i would be pregnant and therefore, feel better. when i was pregnancy and nursing, i felt fantastic, and i thought - man, if i could just be pregnant... on the contrary, the IVF hormones made me feel worse, and the failed cycle pushed me to move on changing some things in my life.
i switched rheumatologists. same clinic, different doctor. i switched from a ho-hum, laid back, wait-and-see doctor, to a young, female, osteopathic doc who i hoped would embrace my concerns and tell me she had so many ideas to help me feel better. let's just say, she didn't embrace me. don't get me wrong. she has responsive to my concerns, and i feel like just making the change is a psychological fix, if only for the short term. she put my on some meds - namely prednisone, a steroid, which is meant to be a quick fix in the short term. it is helping a lot, but i no it won't last because i can't stay on it indefiniely. we talked about possible other drug options, but she didn't want to try anything if i am considering getting pregnant anytime soon. she said she would want the drugs she had in mind to be out of my system for six months - my eff-ing clock is ticking lady! i don't have six months! i may run out of eggs and options in six months! *deep breathe* she ran some tests, and determined that i was significantly anemia - moreso than usual. i did follow up bloodwork which confirmed that it is an iron-deficiency anemia, and she referred me to my primary.
now i don't have a primary... i'm always just used my rheumy as a primary, and gone to the clinic to see whomever when i've had a cold. so i went to my mom's primary. mom highly recommended her, and i thought, if i can just find someone who will hear my concerns, and tell me it is something more, and they know what will help. nope. she referred me to a GI doctor, put me on iron supplements, and something to protect my stomach from the meds the rheum put me on. she said the anemia could be caused by internal bleeding, a possible side-effect of a med i'd previously been on, and the GI may want to do an endoscopy.
now let's back up a minute. on top of physically feeling like shit since february, having been on an emotional rollercoaster with stacy's loss of her twins, other friend's and acquaintances losing their babies, and my own BFN from my IVF cycle, we had our open enrollment meeting at work in mid-july, where i found out that my premium is going from $500/mo (blue cross PPO for the entire fam) to $740/mo, and my specialist co-pays are going from $20 to $40, which is fucking fantastic since practically every doctor noah and i see are specialists..... seriously? they offered a secondary PPO option, that was $600/mo but has fewer in-network providers, one of which is missing is noah's pediatric group. EHHHHHH! big no. not switching. not when i ***LOVE*** the pediatrician. ***LOVING*** a doctor is a huge deal to me, and i am not willing to switch.
anyways, so i saw the rheum, i saw the primary, i have an appt with the hemotologist, which i may cancel because i'm so FUCKING busy this month, and the doctors have assured me my anemia is of the iron-deficiency sort, not the hereditary spherocytosis, you-need-a-transfusion-and-your-spleen's-about-to-burst kind.
i also saw the reproductive immunologist, dr. coulam. she is one of the best known RIs in the world, and totally acknowleges the (obvious to me) correlation between auto-immune diseases and infertility. i went to her basically knowing that given my medical and fertility history, she would want to run a battery of tests, bloodwork that i was 100% prepared to do that day. however...
the lab they use does not work with insurance, the doctor and nurse tell me. insurance might pay a portion of it, but you have to contact them to find out, submit the claim, and so forth, they say. oh and the testing costs $1350, plus $50 shipping and handling, and you have to pay up-front, cash, check, or credit TODAY.
wait, what?
i can't ask that many questions, i suppose. RIs are NOT a dime a dozen, and i'm on my last leg if i want another baby. but shit! $1400 up-front that insurance MAY cover a PERCENTAGE of??? yikes.
i haven't done the bloodwork yet, though i know ultimately i probably will, and should do it soon. i called the insurance company today, and they told me what info they'd need to have to tell me whether or not they would pay the claim. i am waiting to hear back from the billing department at the RIs clinic.
so that said, i am finally feeling better this week, thanks to the prednisone. for the first time in months, i can make fists with both hands. i don't cry because of the pain when i get out of bed in the morning. but my mind still races with the thoughts of what to do next. i do not know what my next move should be, and the primary made a comment that i can't get out of my mind.
she said it's hard to live with arthritis, and it's hard to care for a small child, but both of those things together are very hard. she said do you work? yes. full time? yes. if possible, you might think about going down to part time. (choking back tears) okay.
i say okay, but i really mean, well my job can be stressful, but it's very different from most jobs. i can come and go as i please, and i don't necessarily always work 40 hours.
but still. she's probably right. am i burning the candle at both ends? am i wearing myself down to the point that i'm causing more harm?
i worry constantly about getting old, not because i'm worried about wrinkles or saggy boobs, but because i'm afraid of what arthritis will do to me. i have had this disease for 30 years, and i am only 31 years old. most people who've had arthritis for 30 years have a foot in the grave. i want to live at least another 30 years, but i don't think longer is asking too much. but what kind of life will it be when i'm 61 and have had arthritis for 60 years? if this is the state of my body now, i'm terrified, T.E.R.R.I.F.I.E.D. of what it will be like when i'm older.
it's something above and beyond what most people can begin to comprehend, which is why, with what feels like the entire freaking deck stacked again me right now, i am contemplating a nervous breakdown.
but not until after i get back from vacation. :)
Saturday, July 24, 2010
big talker
so noah's talking more and more everyday - today he was HELL BENT on "go"ing somewhere. he stood by the door to the garage, pulling the handle and saying "go" "go" "go".
he's saying "more" pretty consistently to ask for things. he says yo-yo for yogurt. dig-ger is pretty clear now, and every yellow construction truck is a digger to noah. he says "hee haw" for donkey. he says "yeah" and "no" meaningfully. last week on monday, i got a text from ben saying that noah was saying "mo jjj" for more jello on numerous occasions. i have yet to hear a two-word phrase myself, but i've been trying to encourage it.
it's just great to hear his voice and his wants, and i can't wait to hear his thoughts and stories...
he's saying "more" pretty consistently to ask for things. he says yo-yo for yogurt. dig-ger is pretty clear now, and every yellow construction truck is a digger to noah. he says "hee haw" for donkey. he says "yeah" and "no" meaningfully. last week on monday, i got a text from ben saying that noah was saying "mo jjj" for more jello on numerous occasions. i have yet to hear a two-word phrase myself, but i've been trying to encourage it.
it's just great to hear his voice and his wants, and i can't wait to hear his thoughts and stories...
Monday, July 5, 2010
miscellaneous thoughts
today is ben & my 7 year wedding anniversary. where has the time gone? so much has happened that i have to be greatful for. i know i talk about about IF and my dream for more babies, and i'm still working on the next steps, but in so many ways i am so greatful for noah and for ben and the life we have. there are so many good things, and sometimes i have to remind myself to take a step back and soak it all up.
i think of where we've come from in the last 14 (yes, fourteen) years that we've been together, and the mostly ups and some downs, and while the downs have been painful and heartwrenching, the ups are worth it all.
i look at noah and am amazed every single day, with everything he does and every word he says. we worked so hard for him, and wanted him so badly, that i think it makes every small thing that much greater.
a friend of mine who was about to head down the road of IF treatment, diagnosis in hand, called me a few weeks back and said "it's a faint line, but i think i'm pregnant". i burst into tears! she wanted it so bad, and ached for that baby too, and i hope hope hope everything turns out perfectly, because i'm so greatful she didn't have to make the long journey.
but i read stories, and blogs, and know people who are still aching for a baby. i hear their stories, and i feel their stories. i remember hating holidays and announcements of "oops" babies. i remember hating every pregnant woman or woman with a newborn that i saw - for all i know, they had taken the same journey, but i hated them nonetheless for achieving the ultimate goal.
i want another baby of my own. i want to experience it all again with the experience of having done it this time. maybe a VBAC? and what kind of older brother will noah be? but i have moments of being okay with this life as it is now, because i'm greatful for what i have. for noah and for ben. for my family and friends, house, cars, job, things... the ability to live a comfortable suburban life. i don't think it's wrong for me to want more, but for now (for today) i'm okay and so happy.
Fourth of July parade
i think of where we've come from in the last 14 (yes, fourteen) years that we've been together, and the mostly ups and some downs, and while the downs have been painful and heartwrenching, the ups are worth it all.
i look at noah and am amazed every single day, with everything he does and every word he says. we worked so hard for him, and wanted him so badly, that i think it makes every small thing that much greater.
a friend of mine who was about to head down the road of IF treatment, diagnosis in hand, called me a few weeks back and said "it's a faint line, but i think i'm pregnant". i burst into tears! she wanted it so bad, and ached for that baby too, and i hope hope hope everything turns out perfectly, because i'm so greatful she didn't have to make the long journey.
but i read stories, and blogs, and know people who are still aching for a baby. i hear their stories, and i feel their stories. i remember hating holidays and announcements of "oops" babies. i remember hating every pregnant woman or woman with a newborn that i saw - for all i know, they had taken the same journey, but i hated them nonetheless for achieving the ultimate goal.
i want another baby of my own. i want to experience it all again with the experience of having done it this time. maybe a VBAC? and what kind of older brother will noah be? but i have moments of being okay with this life as it is now, because i'm greatful for what i have. for noah and for ben. for my family and friends, house, cars, job, things... the ability to live a comfortable suburban life. i don't think it's wrong for me to want more, but for now (for today) i'm okay and so happy.
other than that, some real, concrete info. no more mommy musings....
noah's been getting speech therapy since early june (i think). he's not a big talker, but understands everything we say and ask of him. his vocabulary is booming though - mama, dada, juice, ball, moon, jeep, no, door, dirt, go, yeah, uh oh, oh no, shh - sounds: woof woof, meow, moo, baa, elephant sound, horse sound, firetruck/ambulance, helicopter, toot toot (train) - i'm sure there are more, but those are the most common at this point.
i got my wallet and GPS stolen out of my car (doors locked, but windows cracked) at freaking Cosley Zoo in wheaton about two weeks ago. who does that?? well, some skinny white kid who went to the Northlake walmart and bought a fricking Wii on my dime, that's who. twist of the knife, with the Wii, by the way, since ben would love to have one...
happy 4th of july weekend - hope everyone's having a great summer!!
Friday, June 25, 2010
a new hope?
over the last week or so, i've been doing a lot of reading - mostly blogs and websites - but i've come across a glimmer of hope. i'm in the midst of changing my rheumatologist to an osteopathic doctor, investigating acupuncture for both RA & IF, and looking into my discovery - the field of reproductive immunology!
most doctors i've talked to don't really acknowledge a correlation between my medical history and my struggles with IF, but i cannot see how they are NOT related. between my RA and HS, reproductive immunology seems to be the next logical step. from what i've read, there are other immunological tests that can be done and different IVF protocols that can be used when there are abnormalities of the immune system.
From a number of websites (including inciid.org):
The indications for testing are:
1) Two miscarriages or two IVF or GIFT failures after age 35 or three miscarriages or IVF or GIFT failure before age 35 - i've only had two failed IVFs to date, but close enough.
2) Poor egg production from a stimulated cycle (less than 6 eggs) - ding, ding, ding - i'm the definition of a poor responder
3) One blighted ovum - n/a
4) Unexplained infertility - ding, ding, ding - again, i have no specific IF diagnosis.
5) Previous immune problems (ANA positive, rheumatoid arthritis, and/or lupus) - ding, ding, ding - RA folks.
5) Previous pregnancies that have shown retarded fetal growth - n/a
6) One living child and repeat miscarriages while attempting to have a second child - n/a
so 4 out of 6 - i think it's time for some immune testing.
now, i don't want to jump to conclusions. since noah was born, we've really only tried to conceive once, which was the failed IVF cycle. we'll try again this summer the old fashioned way, but because of the concern with the possibility of premature ovarian failure or reduced ovarian reserve, i don't want to put all my eggs in that basket - cue the snare and cymbal!
of course, with that said, i really think the IVF cycle failed because my RA flare. the more i read, the more i'm convinced. hopefully i'll get that in check quickly with the help of the OD and acu and maybe Humira, and then everything else will fall into place.
did i mention, i want another baby? --- on a side note, after a year full of bad news and sadness, a dear friend did get some amazing and miraculous news this week. i won't elaborate because i'm not sure who all reads this blog, but let's just say i still believe in miracles, and this time, without medical intervention! :)
most doctors i've talked to don't really acknowledge a correlation between my medical history and my struggles with IF, but i cannot see how they are NOT related. between my RA and HS, reproductive immunology seems to be the next logical step. from what i've read, there are other immunological tests that can be done and different IVF protocols that can be used when there are abnormalities of the immune system.
From a number of websites (including inciid.org):
The indications for testing are:
1) Two miscarriages or two IVF or GIFT failures after age 35 or three miscarriages or IVF or GIFT failure before age 35 - i've only had two failed IVFs to date, but close enough.
2) Poor egg production from a stimulated cycle (less than 6 eggs) - ding, ding, ding - i'm the definition of a poor responder
3) One blighted ovum - n/a
4) Unexplained infertility - ding, ding, ding - again, i have no specific IF diagnosis.
5) Previous immune problems (ANA positive, rheumatoid arthritis, and/or lupus) - ding, ding, ding - RA folks.
5) Previous pregnancies that have shown retarded fetal growth - n/a
6) One living child and repeat miscarriages while attempting to have a second child - n/a
so 4 out of 6 - i think it's time for some immune testing.
now, i don't want to jump to conclusions. since noah was born, we've really only tried to conceive once, which was the failed IVF cycle. we'll try again this summer the old fashioned way, but because of the concern with the possibility of premature ovarian failure or reduced ovarian reserve, i don't want to put all my eggs in that basket - cue the snare and cymbal!
of course, with that said, i really think the IVF cycle failed because my RA flare. the more i read, the more i'm convinced. hopefully i'll get that in check quickly with the help of the OD and acu and maybe Humira, and then everything else will fall into place.
did i mention, i want another baby? --- on a side note, after a year full of bad news and sadness, a dear friend did get some amazing and miraculous news this week. i won't elaborate because i'm not sure who all reads this blog, but let's just say i still believe in miracles, and this time, without medical intervention! :)
Monday, June 21, 2010
my 100th post ... and what a post.
so my follow up consult with fertility doctor (or RE, reproductive endocrinologist) was this morning, and i think i'm even more confused! i asked why it didn't work and he said it was likely due to poor quality embryos. i asked why the embryo quality was bad, and he said likely because of egg quality. i asked about the decision to do a day 5 rather than a day 3 (which we did with noah), and he said there were more embryos (than we'd ever had before) and they wanted to make sure to transfer the best. unfortunately, what looked good on day 3 looked bad on day 5 and at that point, we'd already "used" our cycle, so we had no choice but to transfer what we had. he said next time, he would strongly consider transferring 3 on day 3.
i asked about taking a few months off to regroup and get my RA in check, and he said a few months definitely wouldn't hurt, and getting my RA in check is huge. there is so little research on RA and fertility, but we did talk about a medication that he feels (based on the FDA rating) is safe to be on during IVF treatment and is known to be effective. i promptly made an appt with my rheumatologist after my RE appt - i see the new doctor on july 1st. :)
as for moving forward, he said we can go ahead on try on our own for the months we're off, and there's no need for additional testing or medications. when we're ready, we have one more IVF cycle covered by insurance - if we're lucky, we'll get some extra embryros to freeze. but here's the catch... (and my source of confustion)
we talked about donor eggs. i asked how to improve the quality of my eggs and/or embryos, and he said that i likely have a limited number of good quality eggs left and we might consider using a donor. despite having a reasonable FSH level (i think he said 4 point something), the quality is fleeting - not shocking to me since my mom went through early menopause, and maybe the RA and drugs over the years DID have an impact on my eggs... i asked about how that all works, and the costs, and he explained it is cheaper to use a known donor (which 20% of their patients who use donors do).
i have so many thoughts about donor eggs, and i can't wrap my head around the concept. just like years ago, i never though I would need to do IVF... i also never thought i'd need a donor. i'm only 31, for christ sake!
i've never even really given thought to using donor eggs or going the route of adoption, but now i'm in a weird spot. do we try our one more IVF cycle with my own eggs? do we get insurance to pay the majority and use a donor, only paying the donor costs? do we start saving for the possibility of fresh IVF #5 (or beyond - my eggs or donor) or more of a "sure thing" - consider adoption?
ugh. i was hoping for some guidance, but now i just have more questions.
i almost forgot how much infertility sucks. but at the end of the day, i keep reminding myself, thank god i have my precious little noey.
i asked about taking a few months off to regroup and get my RA in check, and he said a few months definitely wouldn't hurt, and getting my RA in check is huge. there is so little research on RA and fertility, but we did talk about a medication that he feels (based on the FDA rating) is safe to be on during IVF treatment and is known to be effective. i promptly made an appt with my rheumatologist after my RE appt - i see the new doctor on july 1st. :)
as for moving forward, he said we can go ahead on try on our own for the months we're off, and there's no need for additional testing or medications. when we're ready, we have one more IVF cycle covered by insurance - if we're lucky, we'll get some extra embryros to freeze. but here's the catch... (and my source of confustion)
we talked about donor eggs. i asked how to improve the quality of my eggs and/or embryos, and he said that i likely have a limited number of good quality eggs left and we might consider using a donor. despite having a reasonable FSH level (i think he said 4 point something), the quality is fleeting - not shocking to me since my mom went through early menopause, and maybe the RA and drugs over the years DID have an impact on my eggs... i asked about how that all works, and the costs, and he explained it is cheaper to use a known donor (which 20% of their patients who use donors do).
i have so many thoughts about donor eggs, and i can't wrap my head around the concept. just like years ago, i never though I would need to do IVF... i also never thought i'd need a donor. i'm only 31, for christ sake!
i've never even really given thought to using donor eggs or going the route of adoption, but now i'm in a weird spot. do we try our one more IVF cycle with my own eggs? do we get insurance to pay the majority and use a donor, only paying the donor costs? do we start saving for the possibility of fresh IVF #5 (or beyond - my eggs or donor) or more of a "sure thing" - consider adoption?
ugh. i was hoping for some guidance, but now i just have more questions.
i almost forgot how much infertility sucks. but at the end of the day, i keep reminding myself, thank god i have my precious little noey.
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