next steps

well, i'm not pregnant. ivf 3 was a colossal failure. i somewhat feel like we wasted it. i don't know. it is what it is, i guess, and hopefully we'll get some guidance on monday when we have our follow up with the doctor.

i feel like we have to proceed with caution because our insurance only covers one more ivf cycle. one more. that's it, and after that - what? do we decide to remain a family of three, and continue to cherish noah as the most precious boy in our lives? is that so terrible? well no, and for a minute i thought i was okay with only having one child, but on second thought, i want to be selfish for myself and i want noah to have a sibling or siblings to grow old with and to have with him after ben and i are gone.

or maybe, we think about adoption, which i think is a very respectable and generous route, but has never really been in the forefront of my mind. it's never even really been in the back of my mind. again, i'm selfish. i want to be pregnant again. i want to try a vaginal delivery. i want to try to breast feed. i want my own biological child, and noah's biological sibling.

and while the process of adoption is length and stressful, it's almost more of a sure thing than scrounging up the money to pay for ivf #5 (or beyond) which is NOT a sure thing. i'm getting older. my eggs are getting older. i don't have the luxury of time.

but maybe i do. maybe we need to take a minute and see if things "changed" after my being pregnant and delivering noah. the doctor's like to say things can "change" after infertility. i don't really believe them. they also said my infertility is not linked to my medical history, which i also don't really believe...


i'm kind of numb right now, which is maybe good, but probably bad. i actually had a long conversation yesterday with my friend stacy about the fact that ivf #3 failed and that i wasn't sure what to do next. after losing her twins at 2- i just have to stop and say i kind of hate myself at this moment for just forgetting how many weeks stacy was...... she lost the twins at 23 weeks, and she is doing remarkably well. she is able to acknowledge the pain of the loss, and the reality that the end goal has not changed, but the path has. and still i feel selfish and watch my words when we talk, though we are dear friends and i know i don't have to, but i have noah, and she has two angels who she never got to know. BUT the point is, she is already talking about doing ivf #6 (with a frozen embryo) in the fall. she wants to understandably get passed her due date before doing so, which unfortunately happens to be the same day as her 31st birthday. happy fucking birthday.

i feel like i have so many questions for my doctor, but i can't get them all out of my head. it's all just swirling, and i keep thinking now is just not the time. maybe i need to get myself in a better place physically first and then it will happen. but like i said, my clock is ticking at like warp speed, and i don't know how much longer we can wait.


i need to make an appointment with my new rheumatologist. i got really motivated after news came of my negative pregnancy test, and finally decided to call and ask to switch doctors. i also decided i need to look into starting acupuncture and massage ASAP - i 100% plan on doing acu during my next ivf cycle, whenever that may be.


so - okay, that's enough from me for tonight, if any of that even made sense. i'm too tired to focus right now, and hopefully i'll have some clarity this weekend so ben and i can have a long convo about what to do and questions to ask. ultimately, i kind of think i have my mind (or my heart?) made up that we need to find a way to have another baby, if it means paying for ivf beyond what insurance covers. but god, i hope it doesn't have to come to that.

...with mixed emotions...

God, as if the hormones haven't been enough of an emotional roller coaster in recent weeks, I hear MORE bad news. What. The. Fuck.

Saturday was one month since Stacy's sweet boys were born and died. I later learned that a friend of a friend lost her baby at 8.5 months gestation, the same week Stacy lost her boys. And it was the day before the girl's friggin birthday. I also learned that April 29th was the first birthday/anniversary of a similiar situation, in which the baby of a guy I went to high school with died in utero. April 29th was the day Stacy's boys came into and left this world.

Saturday was also the day that I learned that a dear friend's 16 week old son died from SIDS. Sam was a girl who I went through the IVF process with the first time around. Her son Caden was due the day after Noah, but her water broke at 29 weeks and he was born at 35 weeks. Sam went back to do IVF the spring after our boys were born, and on the first attempt became pregnant with twins. Will & Mason were born in February, and although I've never met Sam and her family (or any of the other girls on my iVillage IVF message boards), there is a unique bond between all of us. The news that Mason had passed away on Friday was as devastating to me as if it had happened to one of my dear IRL ("in real life") friends.

The sadness of losing a child, whether in-utero or in their first weeks or months of life, is just unimaginable. I can't imagine, nor do I even want to try to imagine what Sam and her husband (and their two remaining boys, and even the dog) are going through. I think I would rather die than go on living without Noah. Again with trying to understand WHY these things happen. WHY do good people have to suffer though so much pain?

And yet, I need to bury my current sadness and anger at the world, and focus on my own life and my own goals at this moment in our lives.

We are in the midst of IVF for "Baby K 2.0". My egg retrival was yesterday, and very successful. We retrieved 12 eggs, 9 of which were mature, and 6 of which fertilized. Looking back on IVF#1 (Oct 07), I had 6 eggs, 2 were mature, and 2 were fertilized and transferred. IVF#2 (Jan 08 resulting in Noah) retrieved 5 eggs, and just 1 was fertilized and transferred. There is no guarantee that all 6 will continue to thrive, but our hope is that the majority do so we can have a few embryos to freeze and keep as a back-up plan. We are feeling very optimistic about this cycle, and fortunately, Noah has been a happy distraction.

I just hope the bad news and negative karma can cease and desist for a while so that more good and happy news can take the reigns for awhile....

a quick thought...

i was very a very active blogger when i was pregnant with noah, and i'm a very very bad blogger now. i'm also bad at photo albums, the baby book, my journal, and these types of things. don't even THINK about using my name and scrapbooking in the same sentence...

anyways, i was just thinking about how focused i was on everything TTC and baby back then, and how distracted and busy i am these days!

i've been keeping it on the DL, but IVF to make Noah a big brother is underway. Just keep us in your thought and send all the positive vibes you can spare. We're hoping for a quick and easy road, and that my RA will go into remission again during another pregnancy as it did with Noah. I'm having a LOT of joint problems (pain, swelling, stiffness, etc.) with the hormone protocol this go-round, and i'm hoping the end of the pain is in sight. it's been an emotional couple of months with everything my dear friend went through, but i have an amazing support system with my family and co-workers and their support makes a world of difference.

stacy

this morning, stacy's husband sent me a message on facebook saying that stacy would give birth to the twins today. they removed the cerclage, and stopped the medications. at 8:30am she had dialated to 2cm, and the doctor's said the boys would not live more than a few hours.

at 11:15, stacy texted me that she would be induced shortly, and once born, the boys would receive "comfort care". she was not sure whether they would see the boys or not.

i am so at a loss for words today. i am sick, sad, angry and just all around devastated by what my dear friend is going through today. and i have a million and one questions, none of which i can get answers to, and the answers to which probably don't matter.

i try to imagine myself in stacy's shoes. what would i do? would i beg the doctors to save my babies, or would i have to rationalize quality of life? i am quite pro-choice, but when the woman deciding is me, i don't know what i would do. i've always struggled with my stance on viability vs quality of life, perhaps because of the job i do, or because of the desparation to be a parent that i experience through my journey with infertility.

i am sick and angry thinking about how unfair the situation is. how so many people conceive without a second thought, or have children that they don't want or are unable to care for. how people say "it's in god's hands" or "god has a plan" and that's somehow supposed to make you feel better. if god has a plan, it's a pretty fucked up one, and i'd like to tell him to his face that he sucks.

i can kind of equate the surreal-ness of what i'm feeling today to a couple things, neither of which are truly comparable. one instance that comes to mind, and was moreso how i felt when this started with stacy three weeks ago, is when my dear friend anne had a stroke a year ago at 29 years old and it knocked myself and my coworkers off our feet. the other thing, which i know sound completely irrational, is to how i felt on september 11th. i know that's insane to say, but it's been a completely sick feeling, and hypotheticals and images keep running through my head. i feel almost like i'm having an out of body experience, and this isn't my life. maybe it's a bad dream, and we'll all wake up. and this isn't even about me.

this is stacy and doug's reality and i hope upon hope that they can survive this experience, and in some bizarre way, grow from it. there is the tiniest glimmer of hope in the back of my mind, because i don't know if the decision for "comfort care" was their choice or their doctors. i keep wondering if the boys will be bigger or better developed than everyone expects. what if they are fighters and stacy and doug look at them and beg the doctors to save them? should they? could they?

it's 11:30 at night. 12 hours after stacy texted she was being induced. have they been born? has stacy seen and held her babies? are they in NICU having drastic measures taken? when will i hear something? what do i say? what do i DO when stacy texts, calls, or i see her next? how the hell can she ever come back to working at a place where we work with babies and children everyday, many of whom are preemies? will she try again to have more children?

i want to do something, anything to make stacy feel better. i want to know what to say when i see her. i want to imagine that a miracle has happened.

but still i fear the worst. and if this is the case, i wish only for it to be a swift and peaceful process.

i always say that i believe that things happen for a reason, but i cannot bring myself to find any reason in this.

numb

i am at a loss for words right now. my dear friend and coworker is 23 weeks pregnant today, and i learned just a few hours ago that her water broke earlier today.

23 weeks is just far too early for any baby. but stacy is pregnant with twin boys, once of which has been diagnosed with a severe heart defect called hyperplastic left heart syndrome. stacy underwent five rounds of in-vitro and when to hell and back to become pregnant with these boys. and now she might lose them both.

i'm so sick about this. i know only to an extent what stacy had to go through, and i know first hand the desparation of infertility and IVF, the self blame, the guilt, and the emotional toll it can take.

i don't discount anyone's love for their child, but there is something very unique about the way one feels about the child or children they struggled so hard for. stacy and i talked about this shortly before she was put on bedrest. it's really hard to put into words, and i know that sounds unfair to those of you who have babies that did not have infertility - so please forgive my inability to express it. it's just that when pregnancy comes easily, you don't have to go though the months or years of self blame, anguish, and guilt, anger, sadness, and desparation...... after two (plus) years of struggling, stacy's pregnancy seemed like a miracle, and although she is not an emotional person, i know she is madly in love with those boys.

i often say that i know that noah was the baby i was meant to have. i could have been pregnant however many times in the months leading up to becoming pregnant, but the baby i had would not have been my sweet noey. when someone's in the midst of IVF or other treatments, it's really hard to wrap your brain around that idea, but i was talking with another coworker who experience multiple miscarriages, and now that her little girl is a few months old, she acknowleges the same concept. i think stacy was coming to understand our feelings on the topic, but now - - -

is it really better to, as they say, have loved and lost?

why is it that people's resillience is continually tested? why do "strong" people have to continue to be "strong"? when does stacy just catch a fucking break?

the last few months...

Mid-November

Surgery - 12/11/09

Meeting Santa - 12/17/09

Late-December


Mid-January

Sedona, AZ - 2/12/10

Amanda & Robert's Wedding - 2/13/10

That's not Noah! Love this picture of my nephew Grant - he's 5 1/2 months here!

17 months

I'm so amazed every day by Noah and how freaking cool he is. At 17 months old, he has become such a cool little person. He understands so many things. He can identify all kinds of body parts, people, clothing, toys, vehicles... He thinks it's hilarious to point at mommy, then daddy, then mommy, then daddy, and then swing his arm back and forth while we try to keep up mommydaddymommydaddymommydaddy...

He has finally started making some progress with food! It's taken FOR-EVVVVERRRR, but he is finally feeding himself some snacks, including pieces of fruit, yogurt puffs, and cheese. He's still not really interested in trying anything crunchy or hard, but likes to try to feed himself with the spoon and to stab food with his fork. He LOVES yogurt, applesauce, and pudding, but don't dare mention them OR juice if you want him to eat his main course first! We've done away with baby foods all together. No more baby cereal - he's moved onto regular oatmeal. No more jars - now we eat lots of pasta. Spaghettios, ravioli, mac & cheese, beefaroni... We discovered he likes bleu cheese dressing after I tried to get him to dip his veggies in it, but instead leaned forward and started licking his tray. We had a family dinner for St. Patrick's day, and Noah shared in it, having potatoes and carrots with a teeny bit of corned beef. He had it with salt and sour cream, which he reallllly liked!

I can't wait for spring! The last few days have been in the 60s and SUCH a tease!! Noah has spent a lot of time outside with grandma and grandpa during the day, and I even got out of work early on Wednesday and took him to the park! I'm looking into getting some kind of swing set or playground type thing for the yard, because I have a feeling we're going to be spending a LOT of time outside this summer!

jumping those hurdles

slowly but surely, noah is growing up.

i'm so SO behind in blogging - BAD BLOGGER!! - but i want to get a few things down before i forget.

the friday before xmas, noah's first molar broke though. he never seems horribly bothered by his teeth coming in, thankfully. i'm also not above giving him tylenol to make him more comfortable...

on xmas eve, we were having dinner at the koechling's and i gave noah a green olive (sans pimento) just to see what he'd do with it, and he ATE IT! well, not really. he ripped it apart, put the small pieces in his mouth, chewed them, and spit them out. but it's definite progress!

xmas was so fun. noah really got into it, and was all about opening presents. his presents, grant's presents, my presents... he didn't discriminate! santa brought a kid laptop, some puzzles, fridge phonics, and a sled. noah was definitely on the *good* list.

on new years day, noah - started - WALKING!!!! he's still inconsistent and does it only on his terms, but he can and will do it when he wants! that morning, he and i were watching the Rose Parade (which he *loved*) and during the parade he took three steps from near the coffee table to the couch, which he'd sort of done before. usually two step from table to couch, and a dramatic flop face first into the couch... (his VERY first indepdendent steps came when he took two steps while we were in AZ.) but anyways, i was at the mall and got a text from my mom: "noah just took 6 steps". and another: "took another 9". i hurriedly finished up my errands and went home, and lo-and-behold, he did it for me! he was so so proud of himself, especially given my reaction!! we try to practice every day and i'm hoping that by the time we go to arizona on feb 8th, he'd been pretty stable on his feet.

noah's fully recovered from surgery - had a follow up with the ENT last weekend, and he told me i could pick the scab off noah's neck. ew! and okay! (i started but then stopped myself...)

over the weekend, we took noah for his first haircut. we both just decided he was starting to look pretty raggedy. serious borderline mullet was happening, and he was starting to look kind of like a hobo. we went to a local chain place called kidsnips where they specialize in cutting kids' hair. noah loved all the colors on the walls, the toys, the kids, the mirror, the taxi cab seat he sat in during his haircut, the elmo video he got to watch during his haircut... he looks like such a big kid now. it's crazy how a haircut can change him so much. just looks so grown up. :)

last night, i gave him a piece of muenster cheese, and just like the olive on xmas eve, he tore it up, put the pieces in his mouth, chewed, and spit... again - progress. i'll take what i can get at this point...

in general, he's just talking a lot more and understanding even more than that! still no real words (beyond maybe mama and dada - and maybe look?), but lots of babbling and always making noises and silly faces. he FINALLY has started letting me brush his teeth (as of about a week ago), and tonight i said "noah, say ah!" - he opened wide and said ah. i said "noah, show me your teeth - say eee!" he smiled a toothy smile and scrunched his eyes the way i had demonstrated. when i started laughing, he crunched his eyes all the way shut and started chuckling. he and i crack each other up every night while he's getting ready for bed. he's so tickling and loves it! he just laughs and laughs... ah, the coolest kid ever!! pictures soon!

what can i say? i'm a crier.

for sure. i'm not feeling especially emotional about anything in particular, but recently - dang! i need to stop reading sad stories and drowning my non-existance sorrows!

last night i was reading the blog of the wife of a guy i went to high school with (i'm a facebook stalker) - and i learned that she miscarried at 37 weeks. oh my god. she just stopped feeling the baby moving, they couldn't find a heart beat, and that was it. c-section delivery of a still-born, full-term baby. i was sobbing reading the blog and looking the photos of the couple with the baby girl they would never know. ugh.

tonight, reading the blog of the mom of a girl who suffered a brain injury in a car accident, and just recently came out of a coma. (this girl is a HS friend of my co-worker.) amazing to read about her progress, but so sad, because she was to be married this past saturday...

just read about the newest baby duggar, born last thursday, at 1 lb, 6oz. breaks my heart, because that baby is bound to have some serious developmental problems, and i've long felt the duggars were pressing their luck with so many kids and continuing to have kids into her 40s, when the odds of complications go up.

noah had surgery last friday - it went so well, and he has been amazing. the doctor said the cyst was larger than he'd anticipated but that it was most certainly benign (though it was still sent for testing). i don't miss the nub the way i thought i would - thinking about it makes me a little sad, but tonight at dinner, noah reached for it, and it did hurt my heart. i leaned toward him and he threw his arms around my neck, and i told him that i loved him with or without the nub, and that i knew he would have been a strong enough, confident enough boy to live with it, but that it would hurt mommy if kids said mean things because he looked a little different. i told him that someday he would understand.

i get emotional about commercials and tv shows (like - ones i probably shouldn't cry at). i get emotional about other peoples struggles and pain - if one more friend has to go through dealing with fertility issues, i'm going to go crazy on somebody. who? totally not sure, but seriously? WTF. and then a coworker (who's a lesbian) told me she and her GF of forever wanted to do international adoption, but basically no one will adopt to a same sex couple anymore. what the hell is the world coming to?

vent over. :) happy holidays!!!

(it's late and i'm over worked and sleep deprived of late... at least that's my excuse.)

vacation and surgery for noah

There's been a lot going on lately. Our office moved at the end of October, so it's been a crazy month at the CFC. I think I've adjusted to life in a cubicle, but the holidays are always a little hectic because scheduling meetings can be a challenge... I've been insanely busy for the last two weeks, but hopefully will be slowing down as we get closer to Christmas.

Noah and I are flying to Arizona on December 2nd for a long weekend visiting Amanda, Robert, and the kids. I'm looking so forward to seeing them and getting a break from the craziness of work! I know I'm very spoiled that I'm able to take as many vacations as we do, but I think you have to get away occasionally for your sanity!! It will be a challenge traveling alone with Noah. I'm trying not to think too much about it yet, because I know I'm going to be freaking out when I start preparing to go and when reality sets in when I'm getting on the plane.... wish me luck!!

The other big event on the horizon is surgery for Noah, another thing I'm not to think too much about for now, as it's still a few weeks off... Noah has had this lump on the back of his head since July. Initially, we thought it was a pimple, ingrown hair, or maybe a mole. The pediatrician didn't really know what it was either, and initially, it had a head and bled a little bit, so we did a round of antibiotics, and it seemed to get a bit better. Then we treated it with warm compresses and neosporin. It didn't seem to improve much, and then started to get bigger. At our 12 month check up, the doctor suggested we see an ENT and see what he had to say.

A few weeks ago we saw the ENT, and right away he knew what it was and said we would need to do surgery to remove it. "It" is called a pilomatrixoma, which is basically a benign cyst or tumor in the hair follicle. (At least that's how I understand it.) We talked with the ped and amongst ourselves, and decided to go ahead with surgery. If we don't, it could become infected, and in the very slight chance it is not benign, we could never forgive ourselves if we didn't act now. (The chance of it being malignant is something like 2%, and we're told that the majority of these tumors will not grow back.) Once they remove it, they'll run tests to confirm it is benign and in fact a pilomatrixoma. The ENT will also remove the skin tag (aka. "the nub") on Noah's ear at the same time. I'm very sad about this, but I know it's in Noah's best interest for the future. At least that's what I'm telling myself... I know it may seem silly, but it's a part of him, and I'll be sad when part of him is gone. :(

On a happier note, Noah has a lot of new "tricks" lately. When asked "where's the balloon?" and "where's the light?", he looks at both. He loves to dance, and when he's not too tired, he'll start bouncing when we say "can you dance, Noah?". When I ask him, "where's mama's belly button?", he'll put up my shirt and poke his finger in my belly button. He's babbling a lot more these days, and is more frequently imitating what we say. The other day he imitated a tune Ben was humming, and this morning he imitated some silly sounds and "words" I was making. He's so awesome!