...the journey continues...

six weeks into the life of emily

2012-01-25T00:32:00.004-06:00

first things first. emily is six weeks old today. :)

anyway - it has been a loooooong time, and i do apologize. i started writing emily's birth story and it has turned into her birth story slash the story of our hospital stay. needless to say, it's not done, though i need to finish it soon before all the details leave my brain forever.

but i decided i needed to start up blogging again and not wait to finish the birth story because the weeks are slipping by, and my memory again is making me angry. i am so sad that i have SUCH a bad memory. last night laying in bed, i got a little teary thinking about how much emily has already changed - 6lb 7oz at birth, up to 10lb 1oz as of today, receding hairline (the hair on top is gone, but in the back is going strong), her cheeks are probably four times the size they were at birth (though her chicken legs are still chicken-y)...

anyway, the early weeks were as one would expect. ben was home through the 27th. noah was a immediately smitten and was so sweet and gentle with emily from day one. he had a minor regressing right around the four week mark, but remarkably a week or so later, i successfully potty trained noah. (more on that later.) the holidays were rough. too much, too soon. i was still physically recovering from my c-section and emotionally dealing with all the changes in my life, my lack of sleep, and raw nipples. (sorry TMI)

the hardest thing early on was nursing. i recalled that with noah, he was lazy and never nursed well, but as things progressed with emily, i remembered that i ultimately stopped with noah because of the painful effects of an apparently poor latch. from probably week two to week four with emily, i questioned my ability to nurse her long term. i had to take a break on one side around christmas and pump it for a few days because it was so sore and in such bad shape. and then came the growth spurts. there have been days and weeks that i've felt like all she does round the clock is nurse.

in the last couple days, she seems to be developing more of a schedule. she's sleeping up to five hour stretches at night and has been for several days. she's awake for longer stretches during the day, and seems to have a good 2-3 "naps" throughout the day. there have been glimspes here and there of a questionable smile, but today, despite her being especially pitiful because of having gotten her shots, i'm pretty sure she and i exchanged some real deal cheesers, with wide eyes and gurgly "goo"s thrown in.

all in all, she's a pretty easy kid. laid back and calm. only crying and fussing when she's poopy or hungry. or bored. i think sometimes she just wants to be held and talked to. there have been a handful of times that she has been inconsolable. we briefly had her on Axid as the ped suspected reflux. we also briefly gave her gas drops. now, the gas is still sometimes an issue. i really think she sometimes does have tummy discomfort, but i feel pretty confident it's not reflux. our biggest "issue" is that she often chokes when she's nursing, presumably due to difficulty dealing with my "let down". hoping she'll learn to deal with it soon, because it sounds horrible when she does it.

it's late but i will be better at updating. more to come!

just days to go! and other ramblings

2011-12-08T23:15:00.003-06:00

*39 weeks, 5 days*

it is hard to imagine that by this time next week, i WILL be holding my baby girl. it's still so surreal. i feel like it just really set in that i'm pregnant. i'm tired and sore, but i will be a little sad when it's over. i will likely never be pregnant again, and for most people, that might not be saddening, but i guess most people, they can change their mind on that one...

anywho, as of this past monday, i was still at 1-2 cm, 40% effaced (same place i was at the monday before). i have been having contractions on and off for several weeks. they actually started the night before thanksgiving. they weren't painful, just uncomfortable for close to a week. the tuesday after thanksgiving, i was at target and suddenly, omg. i was in such pain, and i thought wow, this might be it! but then they stopped... and then they continued on and off for days. i'd hoped the painful ones meant there would be some cervical change, and we'd be on our way to my desired VBAC, but no dice.

at my appt on monday, the doctor said he wanted to see me back on friday and i asked about what would happen if again there was no change, ie. how quickly could i get in for a c-section? saturday? monday? tuesday, doctor said, but if i wanted, i could just schedule it for friday. he told me to think about it, and call the next day to let them know if i wanted to schedule a c-section.

i was realllly hoping there would have been some progress, and i wouldn't have to make this decision, but after talking to ben, going to acupuncture, and having a moment of clarity, i decided i was going to schedule a c-section for tuesday.

so, i went back for more acupuncture tonight, and tomorrow, i see the OB, where he'll check me and strip my membranes as a last ditch effort for my desired VBAC. if nothing happens this weekend, i'll go back to the OB one last time on monday and c-section will (inevitably) be on tuesday.

if i do wind up having a c-section, so be it. we did what we could to have a vaginal delivery, and i just don't see the point of waiting a few more days to have another baby at 41 weeks by c-section. i'm a little selfish and impatient at this point i guess. i'm tired and sore, and really don't want to have to go back to work next week. and really, as terrified as i am of how hard life as a mommy of two is going to be (at least for a little while), i am aching to see this girl, cradle her little body, touch her little face. i can't wait to take that first look, to match the one of noah that is burned into my memory. i can't wait to share her with the world, but more importantly than anyone in this world, for us to share her with noah. to finally hand deliver the gift that i wanted so desparately for him is the moment that i have looked the most forward to. i cannot wait to see the look on his face and the way he reacts when he finally sees and meets his baby sister, who i know he already loves in a way that i don't think most three year olds would.

my boy is growing up so fast, and it's hard to imagine that in just days we will be a big brother. i know that he will be the best big brother to his baby sister. he will teach her and guide her and lead her through life. not only is she a gift to him, but he will be a gift to her, and i cannot wait to watch them grow up together and explore the world together.

life gets in the way all too often and i forget to take a step back and take it all in. it's usually at night, when i'm watching noah sleep that tears come to my eyes and i'm amazing by what i have created and what i am doing my best to mold on a daily basis. i'm not a perfect parent, and i wish i could be better most days, but it's a hard job, to raise a child. especially one who is so strong and driven and motivated to learn about the world!

it's been a hard couple years though too, between my RA being the worst of my life when noah was young, to going through IVF twice in the last two years, and being pregnant for the past nine months. my hope is that after baby girl is born, i will get healthy and strong and be more physically able to be available so that i am more mentally available to both my babies. i want to do the very best i can, and give my babies the very best, because they deserve nothing less. it might be a challenge, but it's one i want to face head on.

to my baby girl: i love you from the deepest part of my soul, and yet i have never laid my eyes on you. i will forever look at you and noah, and be amazed and awed by my journey to have you. the fact that you were both mere clusters of cells, created in a dish in a lab and carefully placed into my body by a doctor, will never be lost on me, and my gratitude to all the people who played a role in my infertility and IVF expereiences will always be in my heart. i look forward to someday sharing the story of our journey and your conception with you and your brother. i am not ashamed to be infertile, nor will i ever be anything but proud to be an IVF mommy. you and noah are the greatest gifts in my life, and i would go through all of it, to hell and back again, to know that you are my prize in the end. i don't know why the world is how it is, if there's a god or not, or what it all means, but i know that i believe in love and goodness and that my children are the greatest part of me and have made me a far better person than i ever could have dreamed to be. i will keep striving to be better and to do better because you deserve everything good in the world. my baby girl, i am so greatful for you, and i cannot wait to meet you and to watch you grow into an amazing person. i love you with my whole heart, always and forever.

36 weeks

2011-11-15T23:00:00.002-06:00

the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter! ultrasound last night confirmed baby girl is head down and raring to go. holy cow, this is going to happen, and it's gonna happen soon! i think i've been have contractions on and off for the past week. she's moving like mad, and pushing down hard on my hooha, and while she's measuring a little small (just under 6lbs or 34ish weeks, per the ultrasound), she's fiesty as hell, and i know we're in for it.

as these final weeks play out, i'm experiencing so many emotions. i have to stop sometimes, and take it all in. the movement, however uncomfortable it is becoming at , noah, and the size of my growing belly... i may never experience these feelings again in my life so i have to remember to enjoy these final moments of pregnancy. on the other hand, i'm ready to be done being pregnant so that we can finally meet this little girl, see her face, and love on her.

the other night, noah was talking to my belly and it made me cry. he said "i love you baby. i love you baby sister. you're so precious." he is so in love with the idea of her. i don't know if he fully understands the reality of how life is going to change, but he loves babies and is so sweet with them.

i am almost more emotional thinking about him meeting her than US meeting her. i think part of it is because it will be seeing our family finally become whole, but also because of the lengths we went to with the intent of making noah a big brother. i wanted a baby for myself, true, but moreso, i wanted noah to have a sibling and if this IVF cycle wouldn't have worked, we wouldn't have stopped there. it might have cost us tens of thousands of dollars, but we would have found a way to give noah a sibling.

not a day goes by that i'm not amazed by and grateful for the life growing inside me. i will always be a proud IVF mama, and i'm so grateful to the doctors who worked their magic and for the infertility community who have been my support system for the past five years.

as it comes quickly to it's end, i'll never forget the journey i've been on. it has been the hardest and best of my life. parenting is more challenging and stressful than i ever imagined, but the joy of my amazing noah is more rewarding than words can describe. and baby girl. my beautiful princess, who is destined to be a tomboy, simply because i'm desparate for her to wear dresses and be a girly girl! i am so in love with the idea of her, and i know the moment i lay eyes on her, my life will be forever changed. little girl, i adore you. i think you know that already. :)

33 and a half

2011-10-25T23:22:00.003-05:00

sitting here, finally catching up on the blog, whilst my baby girl shoves her head into my cervix and pummel kicks her feet into my SOMETHING. my liver maybe? she moves a lot more, or at least very differently from noah. and i'm up another pound, for a grand total of 10 pounds. started around 155, and as of yesterday, weighed in at 165. i've still only gained two pounds since august 1st, which i realllllly shouldn't complain about. i just get nervous that i'm not getting baby girl enough nutrition, and i would never forgive myself if i somehow did something "wrong" while pregnant.

anywho - the past few weeks have been busy, but thankfully the business is winding down in the weeks leading up to baby girl's due date.

a few weekends ago, ben, noah & i got up at the crack of dawn (literally - it was the first time noah'd ever seen the sunrise) to take the el from oak park to the city to watch uncle scott run the chicago marathon. ben mapped out the route, and we had a daunting plan for the day, but man, am i glad we did it!! we hit four spots on the route - miles 3, 12, 21, and 24 (ish) - and it wasn't nearly as challenging on me physically as i'd expected. i was surprised however by how overwhelming, awe inspiring, and emotional it was. i was just amazed by the ability of these 40,000 odd people to run 26.2 miles! and everytime we saw scott and brian, we were all so full of pride and awe. it was very cool.

the next weekend was my sweet boy's third birthday. when the hell did THAT happen?! noah is three!! we had the loveliest weekend. ben took saturday off work, and we spent the morning at klein creek farm enjoying a perfect fall day, and fortunately, getting some really great family pics by grandpa. noah was showered with gifts all day and the three of us had dinner at 2 toots cafe in glen ellyn, per noah's request. sunday was the family party, and noah had so much fun eating cupcakes and destroying the basement with his cousins. i swear, every toy we own was scattered across my family room by the end of the party. ah, life. :)

over the past week, we've been very focusedd on getting noah's big boy room ready. we are so close, and he WILL be in there by the end of the month. the decor may not be 100% done, but he will sleep in his new bed and i will starting getting his clothes, toys, etc, organized in that room. once he's settled, i can focus on readying the nursery for baby girl.

speaking of, she is still sans name. not for nothing, but we haven't really talked about it. we haven't talked about a lot lately. i'm also nagging or overly critical, so conversations have been limited. sigh. anyway- that was just a sidebar.

i have a list of about a million things to do, and i know there are things missing from the list. i hate that i feel so unprepared for this baby, because she's coming - ready or not - in no more than 6.5 weeks. oh. shit.

31 weeks

2011-10-08T17:09:00.004-05:00

as i sit here watching my sweet boy avoid sleep on our new (and totally rad) video monitor, i feel like i need to blog for my little girl. i've been a bad, bad blogger, and part of it has been lack of inspiration to write and part of it has been sheer exhaustion. being pregnant with a toddler is harder than i imagined it would be, and there are so many other things to do that blogging has taken a permanent back seat. for that i feel guilty. :/

i'm not good at noah's baby book. i'm not a scrapbooker. i'm not good at journaling (and clearly not at blogging). and i have a horrendous memory, so i fear that by not putting my thoughts and memories in writing, they will be lost. i was trying to remember when noah started crawling the other day, and unless it's somewhere in here, i fear i'll never know... but alas, this is life. life is hectic, and i have a moment before i'll go get the tired boy who it does not appear will nap today....

***

my little girl baby will be here in no more than nine weeks from today (since i've told the OB i have no desire to go passed my due date, and this outweighs my desire to have a VBAC). we are far less prepared for a baby at this point than we were at this point with noah. i suppose we are prepared in that we have something of an expectation for what it will be like to have a newborn, but in the coming weeks we have noah's 3rd birthday and his birthday party next weekend, a baby celebration the first weekend in november, and the goal between now and then of moving noah into his big boy room. the room is still very cluttered, but mostly our junk is boxed and needs to be removed from the room, his furniture put together, and his things moved in. i told ben that for my sanity, this needs to be done by the end of october. i need the baby's room ready shortly after the baby party so that i will feel "ready" for her arrival.

and then there's the name thing. ben and i discussed boy names days before noah was born, and agreed upon noah once we found out i was having a c-section. there is a name that is sticking out to me, and a middle name i might need to sell ben on, but it almost feels funny that i already have a possible name in my head. we didn't know noah as noah until a mere hour before his birth. i guess i hesitate with choosing a name just yet because, despite seeing her face on ultrasound and feeling her have hiccups and do calisthenics in my belly every waking moment, it strangely still doesn't feel real.

i am so in love with this baby. i feel like life has gotten in the way of my ability (or energy) to properly express this. i think constantly of what she'll look like, what her personality will be, what her favorite toys and shows will be. it occurred to me the other day that, while my first meeting with my daughter will be full of emotion and pride, i am almost more looking forward to seeing noah after she is born, and having them meet for the first time. i guarantee, there will be some ugly cry pictures in that bunch...

i am so proud of the journey that we had to take to conceive our children. i didn't choose the path we took, but it has made me the mom that i am. i am so grateful for my two precious miracles, and i try to remember every day not to take them for granted. i am trying (despite pain and exhaustion) to remember to savor my pregnancy, as it will almost certainly be my last.

i will be sad when i am no longer pregnant. it is something people who don't have fertility challenges certainly take for granted. when i wasn't pregnant with noah, i hated all pregnant people, but once i was pregnant with him, i thought about the infertiles who saw and hated me. i realized you can't judge because you don't know. before i was pregnant with sissy (noah's nickname for baby girl), i was jealous when those who had kids around the time i had noah were getting pregnant again. and even since i've been pregnant with sissy and fertiles have announced their pregnancies, or thoughts of future babies, i get jealous. why? because i know they decided to have a baby and got pregnant, or can think about having three or four or ten kids, and will. i wonder if this part of infertility ever goes away?

i just know that in my heart i wanted these babies more than anything in life, and no one can take them away from me. i know that i wanted noah to have a sibling so that he would always have someone to share his life with, even when i'm gone. it would have crushed me if i couldn't have given that to him. we think he understand the idea of the baby growing in mommy's tummy and that it is his sister and it will come out soon to live with us.

i am nervous to be the mom of a little girl. i've got the boy thing down pat. i know the names of the Cars characters, the types of train cars and construction vehices. i've got the dirt-under-the-fingernails-cleaning and building-downtown-wheaton-out-of-blocks down pat. but despite BEING a girl, the pigtail, princess, dress thing is kind of intimidating.

i am ready though. our 3d ultrasound showed us the most beautiful little girl, with big eyes and round cheeks, just like her big brother. and she's a fiesty one, no doubt, with all she's put me through with this pregnancy and all her moving and shaking. she will keep us on our toes. i love her so much. it's unreal how a mother can love her unborn child. pregnancy will never cease to amaze me. the fact that my babies were put into me as clusters of cells and developed into little people inside of me... holy crap that's cool.

ps:

2011-09-06T00:09:00.001-05:00

i'll update soon. i keep thinking about it and then either forgetting or being too tired. :)

...and the other invite.

2011-09-05T23:41:00.002-05:00

Piece of Cake Birthday

Create funny birthday invitations at Shutterfly.com.

View the entire collection of cards.

again, $10 off from shutterfly.com just for posting! woohoo!

one of noah's birthday invites....

2011-09-05T23:34:00.002-05:00

Truckload Of Fun Birthday Invitation

Shop for special Birthday wishes at Shutterfly.com.

View the entire collection of cards.

posting to get a $10 credit on shutterfly.com, where i just ordered this invite for noah's kids party and another for noah's family party. :)

the latest

2011-08-02T20:04:00.002-05:00

*21 + 3*

so daily blogging in july was a failure. all i can say is i'll try stay consistent at least!

so what's the latest news with us:

over the weekend, noah FINALLY started jumping. not a huge deal to most parents, but he should've been able to jump ages ago. he's been getting physical therapy 2x/mo for his strength and coordination, and the thing that made me get the eval in the first place was that he wasn't jumping. so understandably, a big deal.

he's also been using some funny words and phrases lately. that's a bummer, wait, accident, problem, just a minute, i mean. the other night i was talking to him about his behavior and at the end of my spiel, he said "do you understand me?". i think he meant he understood, but it was pretty funny.

on saturday, noah and i went with the bergers to silver beach in st. joseph, mi, and noah had the time of his life!! he did awesome and LOVED his tube. we leave in a few days for piatt lake, and i have a good feeling that noah is going to be a fish all week!

yesterday and today, the roofers were here. they showed up unexpectedly yesterday morning- we weren't expecting them til saturday! but it wound up being a 2-day project, so i'm so glad they were able to come early, and now our roof is done!! it looks SOOOOO much better.

baby k has been moving like crazy ever since my ultrasound. i forgot how much i love that feeling!! this pregnancy is going well, but it is getting more and more different from with noah. i have major sciatic nerve pain by the end of the day every day, and while i was constipated with noah, this time i am having major cramps and it sucks.

other than that, t-minus four days til i'm done with work and vacation starts! we leave in five days for the lake!

catching up

2011-07-27T00:33:00.002-05:00

*20 + 3*

Because the daily blogging experiment has clearly ended... it's time to catch up. Not a lot going on in our lives. Another bit of drywall fell from the ceiling yesterday - "boom", Noah told me, when it happened while I was on the phone with him. We signed a contract with a roofer. The whole roof will be replaced for about $7000 on august 6th, the day before we leave for michigan. yikes. it better not ra*n that day, or we'll be in trouble. i am so desperate for vacation to get here, i don't want to delay it even a day!

baby k is moving like crazy. CRAZY! she's tap dancing on my bladder non-stop. i swear she doesn't sleep. i've been feeling pretty well, though over the weekend, fell asleep super early several nights in a row, and tonight the third late night (ugh) in a row. i'm trying to eat well, but find that i am starting to get full faster. fortunately, heartburn and indigestion are still at bay. i pee a lot, though i've been trying to drink a lot of water. water is actually the drink i crave the most. well, that and a variety of cocktails.

work has been slow, so i've been trying to get ahead. somewhat unsuccessfully, but i'm making attempts.

we've had SO MANY busy weekends lately. we've done something at least one of the weekend days every weekend this month. it's partially because ben's been working a lot of overtime, mainly friday and/or saturday nights, so i either do something with noah on saturday to break up the long day and/or do something fun with daddy on sundays. we've been to cosley zoo, taste of lombard, cubs game, fourth of july fireworks/parade, cantigny park, monkey joe's, train to chicago/millenium park, peck farm butterfly house, and just fun stuff around the house - pool, baseball, bubbles, etc. we have a pool pass too, but have only used it a few times. shame on us. we tried to go one evening last week, but the pool was closed for a swim meet. hmph. i'm hoping to go a time or two more before vacation to get noah ready for the lake.

speaking of, noah seems very excited about going to the lake. he talks about splashing in the water blah blah, but the lake is SO COLD up there, that i'm afraid he'll get a toe in, and that will be the end of it. I'M a wimp about going in the frigid lake, so we'll see if we can actually (hopefully) get him (and me) in the lake this year!

IT'S A .....................

2011-07-18T23:12:00.003-05:00

*19 + 2*

Girl? With 70% confidence, the OB told us we're having a girl. That's not quite the percentage I was hoping to walk away with. Let me back track...

Friday (18+6) was our "20 week ultrasound". Not quite 20 weeks, but close enough. I'd pushed to get it on the early side because a) I wanted to see the baby/find out the gender, and b) I wanted to know how things were going, placenta wise.

I decided the afternoon of the u/s to eat a hot fudge sundae from McDonald's and a Little Debbie brownie with the intent of waking up the baby, not making things difficult. Apparently, I had a little too much sugar, because while we were waiting for the doctor (which took an eternity, thanks to the chick in the next room bemoaning her Lovenox shot), baby was going crazy. It was moving a ton, and while I thought I felt it a few weeks back, now I know I'm definitely feeling it, and have almost everyday since.

OB finally came in for u/s and asked if we wanted him to "look". We said heck yeah! And so it began, with a squirmy little baby, moving all over, making it hard for the doctor to get many good pictures. He did point out both sides of the brain, four chambers of the heart, stomach, arms, and legs, and took measurements of the head (right on target), torso (also on target), and legs (measuring 20 weeks, shocking). Several times, he tried to see between the legs. He tried going at it a couple different ways, but the baby, despite all the movement, would not spread it's legs.

Finally, in a last ditch attempt, there was an image that flashed by. He stepped the frames back, back, back, and then there were three lines, the telltale sign of a girl. But the way he said it, it was clear he wasn't certain. My heart was beating so hard in anticipation of the announcement, I thought it would pop out of my chest. But the "announcement" was anticlimactic. I had imagined that I would weep or jump off the table at the pronouncement of a girl, but nothing. Sadly, I had no reaction. I guess there was some disappointment that there was no clear answer, and also shock that there was potential that my second child could be a little girl.

The doctor helped me sit up, I asked him how certain he was it was a girl. He told me he was about 70% sure, but advised us not to start shopping for pink or painting the walls of the nursery. I asked about my placenta situation (which he had pointed out on the u/s screen) and whether the amount of movement was as expected. He said that it hadn't moved much, but that was what he expected based on the size of my uterus at this point. He said he'd do another u/s with my glucose test around 24 weeks. SO, we don't quite know the gender now, but at least I know that in another month or so, we will get a firm answer. It's gonna be a long month.

In the meantime, we are starting to talk about baby sister to Noah, and say "she" between the two of us. Outside of that, we are cautiously optimistic. I have the image of the "three lines", which are pretty clear, but obviously, I don't want to cling to the idea of a girl, just in case it is a boy. I will be happy either way because I know it's healthy and growing how it should be, but now that the more real possibility of a girl has been dangled in front of me, I think I want it to be so now more than ever.

boring

2011-07-14T21:45:00.003-05:00

*18 + 5*

not a lot new to report. we closed on the loan for the rav yesterday and ben took the check to the dealership, so it's 100% officially ours. :)

got another quote for the roof, and we're waiting on another to come in. we're hoping to make a decision as soon as the last quote comes in so that we can hopefully get the roof done before vacation, which is three weeks away...

tomorrow's our big reveal, assuming it doesn't get canceled like noah's mid-pregnancy ultrasounds did. i'm pretty much assuming it'll be be canceled so that if it is, i won't be so devastated. and if it happens, i will be thrilled!

ACK!!!

2011-07-12T22:42:00.006-05:00

*18 + 3*

Yeah, so I know I said daily blogging in July.... well it started off I was tired, then I forgot, then... well, let's talk about my last few days.

Friday -
Went out for "drinks" after work and had to run an errand on my way home. Got home in time to kiss Noah good night. I think I was so tired once I sat down that I didn't even look at the computer.

Saturday -
Ben worked ALL day. He's been picking up a lot of overtime lately, working til 11pm on some Fridays and Saturdays. It's good money, but makes for a looooooong day for mommy. It was hot out on Saturday, and I contemplated taking Noah someplace fun, but none of Noah's BFFs were free, so instead I busted out the baby pool. Noah was in it for close to two hours, just splashing and cracking me up with his self-talk and one-liners. I'm not even sure what else we did Saturday, but I do know that I was planning on going to Target but my mom's Jeep wouldn't start. Change of plans - I ordered a pizza and mom and Jeff came over to check out the car. Dead battery. Long day on my own with a two year old... I think I forgot I had a blog.

Sunday -
This is when my weekend went south. We've known since we bought our house that it needed a new roof. The roof is old, original to the 1960s era house. We also knew there was some urgency because a while back we noticed a crack in the ceiling of our living room, perpendicular to the apex of the cathedral ceiling. Well, on Sunday, the crack suddenly seemed to worsen. I took a "before" picture around noon that day.

We left shortly after I took the pic to spend a few hours at Cantigny. Noah had a blast there - he loved checking out the tanks and the very cool museum that's so much better than when I was a kid. And then there was the splash pad. I wasn't sure what he'd think, but he LOVED it. He probably could've stayed in the water all day if we'd let him. We can't wait to take him back, and next time hopefully bring a picnic and some friends.

When we got home, the crack seemed even worse and we realized part of the ceiling was going to collapse. Ben moved everything on that size of the room to the other side, and around dinner time (7pm-ish), he put down a tarp and the baby pool to "catch" whatever fell when the time came. We talked with Noah about what was going to happen so he wouldn't freak out when the roof came crashing down, and around 9pm, while we were tucking him into bed we heard it.

CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At first it scared the crap out of me, then it grossed me out. The odor was awful - musty, mildewy, damp wood. And the ants. Blech. Big ones, little ones, coming into my house. Sick. So then Ben went about cleaning up the drywall and insulation, and taped a tarp to the ceiling to hopefully keep the ants and odor out of the house and also so we didn't have this huge hole exposed. Then reality set it. Don't forget, we were on the verge of buying a new car! Ben emailed several roofing places that night, in hopes of getting some quotes on Monday.

Monday -
I didn't sleep well that night between the gross factor, and the anguish over the cost of fixing the roof/ceiling and buying the new car (which our loan had been approved for on Saturday). I woke up to the sound of the fan going on and off and the monitor beeping - sounds which mean flickering power. And where there's brown-outs, there's storms. As soon as I became coherent, the wind started whipping and the rain started pouring down. Ben and I both ran downstairs to witness what started as a drip drip drip and became a steady stream... this explained A LOT about what had happened to our ceiling.

Later than day, our 2nd roof estimate came in (the 1st was on Wednesday before the urgency set in). The roofer said it looked like the roof was done poorly to begin with and guessed that the damaged spot had been leaking for upwards of 10 years.

Ben and I went back and forth all day about what to do - patch the roof or fix it, buy the car or a smaller car and how much money do we put down. Ben crunched numbers all day, and decided that we WOULD buy the Rav 4 and WOULD fully replace the roof.

As for the roof, we're still waiting on another quote or two, but are hoping to get a completely new roof in the next few weeks. As for the CAR, it's ours! We went Monday night and picked it up. We are going tomorrow to close on our loan, and finalize the deal.

So needless to say, blogging has been kind of far from the forefront of my mind. I'll try to do better. We have a big day coming up on Friday - our big reveal ultrasound!!

I leave you with this - a belly picture from today:

today

2011-07-07T22:16:00.002-05:00

17+5

you know, i wish i was creative. i'd like to write something interesting and inspiring like so many of the other amazing blogs i read, but - i'm not creative. so instead, my day:

not much exciting to report today. we went and applied for financing for a new car, and as i type this, ben is composing an email or emails to toyota and/or pugi regarding negotiating a price on a car. hopefully we'll own a new car by sometime next week. until then, i'm driving my mom's jeep, which noah is happy about.

noah often likes to see my belly and say hi/hug/kiss the baby. tonight i asked him if he could tell the baby a story. this is how it went: "once upon a time, there was a boy named noah. and gigi. they liked. they went in the pool. the end." i love that it had all the components of a good story. once upon a time, main characters with a purpose, and the end. he told that same story twice, and i was caught between laughing and crying at how brilliant he is.

i think i failed to comment on how noah fell out of bed (we think) again this past weekend. at 4am on sunday morning, we here "maaa-meeee. come here. maaa-meee!" ben pops the door open and noah is standing at the door. good thing his door sticks, or he'd have probably come crawling into our bed!!

noah says some funny things these days. "that's a great idea." "we here yet?" "this is my grandma/mommy." - let me explain that last one. today at klein creek farm, he introduced the chickens to my mother-in-law, and tonight at the mall, he introduced the "guys" in the window (the headless mannequins) to his mommy, hand gesture and all. he's something, that kid.

***

sometimes i just stare at him in amazement that he's mine, that's he's so big, that he's so smart, and that soon, we'll have any other one who will likely look just like him. i know how lucky we are to have noah and to have this babe on the way. i try to remind myself everyday of that and to enjoy my pregnancy, since it will most likely (save for a miracle) be my last.

SOLD

2011-07-06T23:49:00.001-05:00

*17 + 4*

soooooooooo tired tonight after being out late last night, and the night before that, and the two nights before that.... but long story short, the highlight of the day is that WE SOLD MY CAR!! i was a teeny bit sad to see it go, but did a dance of joy when it was and the $2000 was in my hand. tomorrow we are going to the credit union to work out the financing, and hopefully this weekend, we'll be buying a new car!

anniversary

2011-07-06T00:07:00.002-05:00

*17+3*

UGH. so much for my daily july blogs!! four days in, i totally let it slide! oh well. here's the re-cap of the past few days:

yesterday was the 4th of july and of course, everyone under the sun showed up for the wheaton parade! it was great watching the kids (noah, grant, & anna) get excited about the trucks, floats, bands, clowns, etc. they got SO MUCH candy, it was awesome. they got up and danced when there was music and did a great job of staying put and making it an enjoyable experience for mommies and daddies as well.

after the parade, we picnic-ed at great grandma's/katie's house. grandma was at the cabin, but it wouldn't be the 4th without eating in her yard after the parade. we stayed for several hours before deciding it was time to get crabby to bed.

we got noah down for nap around 3:00, and i promptly fell asleep on the couch watching the Cubs game. around 5:15, ben woke me up and said we were going to my mom's for BBQ dinner at 5:30. i was a bit of a zombie, but we spent a few hours there before coming home and crashing.

today was back to the grind. ugh. there's nothing harder than going back to work after a long, BUSY weekend. it was possibly the busiest weekend i've had in several months, and it made today rough.

however, today is our 8 year anniversary, and we had plans to go to dinner after my 6:30 OB appt. we went to the appt and the waiting room was verrrry full. the appt went well. i didn't get the exact heart rat but the doc said it was good. we scheduled the BIG ultrasound for next friday - hope it doesn't get rescheduled like it did with noah. we got out of there just before 7:30, and from there headed to Naperville Toyota, where we'd made arrangements to test drive a Rav4. We drove what we both agreed is a front runner - I am a huge Toyota fan to begin with and the size of the backseat and the cargo space are big pros for me. They desparately wanted us to sign the dotted line tonight, but we finally had to tell them it was our anniversary and we were on our way to dinner before they cut us loose. from there we headed to francesca's in naperville, where i proceeded to eat WAY too much (appetizer, salad, huge salmon entree, cappucino, dessert, and a bonus dessert because the server discovered it was our anniversary).

at close to 11:00, we finally headed to mom's to pick up noah, who is the sweetest sleepy head. he said "hi mommy" when he saw me and reached out to hold my hand. when we got home, daddy told him we were going to buy a car that's like a jeep. noah said he wanted the jeep, he wanted the new car, but when we had to say that we didn't get it, he started crying, big crocodile tears and all. finally ben brought him a toy car, and he calmed down. i laid him down, pet his head, his eyes rolled around in his head, and he was out. :) he's the best boy ever.

Cubs Win!!

2011-07-03T22:47:00.002-05:00

*17 +1*

This blogging everyday thing is gonna be hard!! it's almost 11pm, post-fireworks and mama's tired... I'll keep it brief.

Last night, Ben worked late, so I decided to join the Bergers, the Zemans, and a few others from work for the Modern Day Romeos concert at the Taste of Lombard. Our coworker Justin is in the band, and I've been wanting to see them play for awhile, so I texted Julie & Amy, and it was so. Noah was a gem. I don't know if it's his age or her personality, but he's just so well behaved in those sort of setting. He knows the rules - stay close and behave - and he did. While the other kiddos were playing chase with mom and dad (who were not willing participants), Noah just kind of circled the group, and only wandered away when I asked him to go dance. He had such a great time.

Today, we went to our last Cubs game of the year - this one against the Sox - and YAY! They won!! We got there a bit late, but made it to the end of the game, and even squeezed in a short nap between the game and the fireworks. We met the Bergers and Deckers, and Steph, Richard, Brian, & Evelyn at the county complex to watch the fireworks. It was our first time since we've lived in our house that we've GONE to the fireworks. We can see most of the display from our sideyard, but since we hadn't made plans ahead of time, and I'm not a fan of watching the fireworks alone, I made the executive decision that we were going to go.

Noah has been kind of weird about the neighbors fireworks that they have been randomly setting off, and saying that he doesn't like the fireworks. I told him he could wear earmuffs if the fireworks were too loud (not thinking he'd remember I said that). Shortly after the show started he said I want my earmuffs. So, I kindly obliged.... He took them off after a few minutes but it made for some funny pictures!

Tomorrow morning - parade and BBQ!!

2T energy burst??

2011-07-02T15:57:00.002-05:00

*17 weeks*

Ben's working late tonight. He's picked up a lot of Friday and Saturday night overtime this summer, so that we can have a little extra money for baby/car/roof/whatever else might financially attack us in 2011. (The roof is a new issue. Guy's coming Weds to take a look to see if we can patch an area that is *clearly* leaking, by the obvious water damage to the ceiling in our living room, or if we have to replace the whole thing. Ben's thinking patch, but I'm afraid of what roof guy might find.)

Anyways, nights Ben works late are tough, especially if I allow myself to be confined to the house like I did last weekend, when he worked THREE late nights in a row, and I was in the beginning stages of my nasty illness. But today? Well that's a different story!

I had decided last night, and told Noah that I'd take him to Cosley Zoo today. This morning, I decided that the pool would be fun too. So Gaga came over and rode to Cosley with us, where we met Julie, Scott (sometimes called Scoot by Noah) and Grant. Noah was a bit of a terror. Doesn't help that mommy can move very fast whilst pregnant and is quickly irritated when ignored by feisty two point five year olds... It was HOT and sticky out, so we did the rounds at Cosley, and mommy, Gaga, & Noah were off to Northside Pool.

Northside Pool is a little ghetto by Wheaton standards, but I think that's why I love it. We have a pool pass this year, and have so far not been to Rice Lake. Honestly, I'll be happy spending the whole summer at the baby pool at Northside. We got there right at 12 when it opened, and like when we went on Father's Day, it was pretty dead. Perfect! We stayed about an hour, and that was that.

Now Noah's sleeping HARD while I watch the Cubs and Sox game, and text the Berger's and Zeman's to make plans for the evening. I do believe the 2T energy burst may have finally arrived! Thank the gods! I've been pretty annoyed at it for staying in hiding this past month, when there is SOOOO much to do around my house. But instead, I'll leave the mess for another day and take Noah to Taste of Lombard tonight with his friends Gigi and Anna for some tunes from my coworker's band, Modern Day Romeos.

Happy Saturday!

july challenge

2011-07-01T20:09:00.003-05:00

*16 wks, 6 days*

last week, i thought about how i don't blog very often, and decided to challenge myself to blog every day in july. it's gonna be tough, but since i *think* the 2T energy is starting to make it's appearance, i'm gonna try. here goes:

yesterday, i picked up noah and we went to downtown wheaton to watch trains. not only that, but we stopped at starbucks, got mama a frappucino, and noah a chocolate milk, and sat on a bench enjoying the view.

today, i finally went to the doctor (general doc, not OB) because i was tired of the sinus pressure and generally feeling crappy. i made the appt late yesterday, and of course by this morning i was feeling significantly better. not 100% so i kept the appt, and kindly accepted the z-pack of antibiotics to help just the junk outta my head. hopefully i'll start getting back to normal before long so this entire weekend isn't wasted on feeling like crap!

happy fourth of july weekend!!

what's going on...

2011-06-28T19:01:00.002-05:00

*16 weeks, 3 days*

I've been meaning to blog for awhile. I've in the 2nd trimester now, but I'm still chronically exhausted so using my brain and my hands to create a blog entry is generally the last thing I want to do. But here's an update on us:

Since my scary bleeding episode, everything's been fine. No spotting, nothing. Saw the OB again June 13th and baby's HB on doppler was in the high 150s. He said he'd see me again for a routine appt in 3 weeks (which is on July 5th, our 8th anniversary!), and then the following week, when I'm 18 weeks, he'll do the next ultrasound. THE ultrasound. So sometime the week of July 11th we will hopefully know if Baby #2 needs a boy name or a girl name. I truly do feel like it's a boy. Didn't have a feeling with Noah, but this time, I have a feeling. Aside from the weird hormone levels in the beginning, the random bleeding/low placenta, and my joints being slightly more inflamed this time around, this pregnancy has been pretty similar to my first. I'm know I'm kind of convincing myself it's a boy so that I'll be good with it. I know that sounds awful, but this was our last ditch IVF, and it would take the stars and moon aligning and a miracle from the heavens for us to have any more kids. I'd like to have a girl so I can have one of each, but at the end of the day, I will not be disappointed if it's a boy. Just want it to be full term and healthy.

Aside from that, we took the side rail off Noah's crib on the 12th, as the first step in the process of transitioning him to his new bedroom. He was realllly excited about it and thought it was so cool. He has gone to bed easily every night, though weekend naps can be a challenge. He always stays in bed, even in the morning after he wakes up, but doesn't always sleep for naps. The first morning, I found him across the room on the floor in front of his bookshelf. It was hilarious, because I opened the door and looked at the bed, then the floor next to the bed, but no Noah. Then there he was, next to the bookshelf. The second night, we heard him fall out of bed around 11:30pm. He landed safely on the body pillow I'd put next to the bed as a safety net, and he was still asleep! The third night, he finally stayed in bed. Since then, he's only fallen out of bed once, this past Saturday around 4am, and the body pillow was NOT next to the bed to break his fall. He woke up screaming and shaking, and it took sometime for Ben and I to calm him down. Poor kid.

Noah also took a gymnastics class - his first - for the last four Tuesdays, which ended today. My mother-in-law took him, and it kind of made me sad that I have to work and didn't get to see him in class, but glad he got to do it all the same. It was a pretty unstructured class, but he really seemed to enjoy many of the activities, most of all the trampoline. He told me tonight "i like the trampoline". We might have to sign him up again in the fall... but until then, he'll start a dance class in a few weeks. :)

I've been sick since last Wednesday. Last week, I thought it was just laryngitis, but on Friday night it turned into a head cold, sinus infection thing. The congestion and sinus pressure has been killer, but I'm pretty sure I had the same thing when I was pregnant with Noah too.

Other than that, things are pretty low key around here. Because of my lack of energy, almost nothing has gotten done around the house. We have til December, sure, but mama's a planner, and I want to get on these projects ASAP. When I have energy.

The other thing we have done is to start looking at cars. We are taking the plunge, selling my car, and buying an SUV. Granted, a small SUV, but still. The next step is to do a couple more test drives, compare all the specs, and make a decision. Which will not be easy because I feel like there's a lot riding on this. I've NEVER bought a car, let alone a new car. Ugh. So stressful.

1st OB u/s pic

2011-06-06T11:16:00.002-05:00

I forgot to post this sooner - this is our u/s pic from our 1st OB appt on May 24th, when I was 11 weeks, 3 days.

unplanned four day vacation

2011-06-06T11:05:00.003-05:00

*13 weeks, 2 days*

you'd think a four day weekend would usually be welcomed, but when you don't get to do anything fun or productive, it kind of sucks. i've been really good about taking it easy. i've spent most of the weekend on the couch, on the internet and watching TV, which gets real old, real fast. now i have a glimpse of how sh*tty bedrest is, and i've known people who've had to be on bedrest for months. i shouldn't be complaining about four days...

anyways, like i might have mentioned before, ben stayed home with me on friday, and was off work yesterday and today. on saturday, our friend's amy & mike offered to take noah for a few hours, and took him and their daughter anna to centennial beach pool in naperville. it was nice to have him doing something other than just sitting here staring at the TV with me, but it was weird being home alone on a saturday morning for the first time in, oh, about 32 months... my mom brought lunch on saturday around the time noah came home, and then she stayed til noah woke from his nap. the nurse didn't specifically say i couldn't life noah, but given she said not to carry groceries or laundry, my 34lb child is surely on that list...

i missed my dear friend anne's baby shower on saturday. i considered going, but i knew the right thing for me and baby to do was to stay home and do some online shopping instead... my sister graciously stepped up to help me out with some stuff that needed to be done for anne's shower, as i was in charge of decorations for the shower.

mid-day saturday, i developed a major headache that lasted several hours, and i also had mild cramps that kind of freaked me out, but didn't last very long. i have been working hard to drinks lots of water and eat lots of food, though i haven't been super interested in food so far with this pregnancy. this comes as a huge bummer...

my OB appt is today at 5:30 and i'm hoping (assuming) we'll have another ultrasound to double check the baby's still looking good, and hopefully get a visual on the placental issue. i'm assuming that since i'm not bleeding or cramping regularly, i'll be cleared to resume regular activity. i hope he lets me go back to work full time, because these two unplanned days off are torturing me. i only have so many days to take for maternity leave, and i hate having to use them now. :/ but i know i don't have a choice and i'm doing the right thing. wish us luck at our appointment today!

a big scare

2011-06-03T14:35:00.004-05:00

*12 weeks, 6 days*

So let's recap the last few weeks of this pregnancy. I told my closest girlfriends I was pregnant right around 8 weeks, and my coworkers right around 9 weeks, and then went Facebook official. Around 10 weeks, my pants started fitting tight, and people started noticing in the last few weeks that my belly was becoming a BELLY.

On Tuesday May 24th, I had my first OB appt with Dr Carroll. We talked for a long time, probably close to an hour. (The joys of being the last appt of the day!) We talked a lot about VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), and I expressed my desire to make a VBAC the goal. My only condition with doing a VBAC is that I don't want to go past 39 weeks, since with a VBAC I can't be induced. If nothing's happening by 39 weeks, then c-section it is. No going til 41 weeks for me. And to that, I also requested we do a last u/s to confirm baby is head down, so I don't go along thinking VBAC when the baby is breech...

Anyway, fast foward to last night. Aside from the exhaustion and constipation, I'm feeling great. Starting to make the switch to maternity clothes. No vomiting, and nausea only a total of 3 or 4 times. No food or smell sensitivity, etc. Had a pretty average work day, ran some errands for a friend's baby shower after work, and got home just before 8:00.

I came in and sat down with Ben & Noah, who was eating dinner, for a few minutes, then got up to pee. And then I felt the all to familiar woosh that women feel at "that time of the month". But it's not "that time of the freaking month", i'm almost 13 weeks pregnant! But lo and behold, I pull down my pants and about fall over. Before I can pull up my pants (or pee for that matter), I stumble out of the bathroom, tell Ben I'm bleeding and we have to go to the hospital, and call my mom to say "I'm bleeding, need to go to the ER, come watch Noah". I was trembling. Poor Noah was upset and confused and asked why mommy was crying. I said something about how I was okay (don't mind the shaking and inability to stand), and within a minute it seemed my mom was here. I kissed Noah's head, and we drove the mile and a half to the hospital.

The ER visit went like this. Wait anxiously in the waiting room, in a wheelchair because I'm not sure I can walk. Try not to cry or freak out because it feels like it's taking FOR-FUCKING-EVER for them to take me in. Nurse takes me to triage, gets my vitals, asks a few questions. Phlebotomist, who according to Ben had a tic, comes in to draw what felt like a gallon of blood, and then wheels me back to a room. Nurse comes in, gives me a once over, checks my vitals again, and says she's going to start an IV and find the baby's HB on the doppler. I tell her I have to pee (remember, I got up to pee and didn't when this all started), so I do, and there's lots of blood. It was scary. Back to the room, get the IV (in my elbow, which I hate IVs there, though they are less painful to get), and the dumbass nurse tries to find the HB near my belly button, thinks she finds it and it's 104 which "is normal this early in pregnancy". Um, it's normal if I'm like 6 weeks, not 13. Anyways, we don't put much stock in this nurse.

So introducing Dr Douchebag. From the moment he walked in, we know he was a tool. Ben later said he was living out his "ER" (the TV show) fantasy at CDH. Dr D said he was more concerned about me than my baby at the moment (not quite those words, but close), and would do a pelvic exam and u/s. Great, a pelvic exam but an ER doc. Dream come true. No stirrups, no paper blanket to cover my girl parts, just the doctor, the nurse, and the tools. But he said my cervix looked normal and the exam was normal. He said that miscarriage is common in the first trimester (REALLY? NO SHIT.) and told us the u/s department was very busy and was running behind, so we might be waiting awhile. I'd been thinking the M word but it was the first time some one said it aloud. Bastard.

A half hour later the u/s tech comes to wheel me to the imagining area. She was a lovely lady. She told us that she couldn't tell us anything about the scan, and that the doctor would read it and let us know. This made me anxious. Shortly after she started the abdominal u/s, she said she did see the heartbeat and the baby was moving like crazy. That made me feel a million times better. Between the abdominal and vaginal ultrasounds, we were probably in there for 30 minutes.

After the u/s, a different nurse came back in to check my vitals and try again with the doppler. She seemed to catch it for a few beats, but we didn't mind. The u/s lady told us it was there.

A bit later and after supposedly talking to my OB, Dr Douche popped his head in and basically said - the u/s looks normal, so we're gonna send you home now, and well, you know the drill. I was like, HUH? What drill? I've never experienced bleeding during pregnancy so, no, I certainly do not know the drill.

He said to call the OBs office in the morning to follow up, and that there was no specific cause for the bleeding. He reminded us that miscarriage generally occurs in the first trimester, and they sent us packing with discharge paperwork that listed information about "threatened miscarriage". Great.

So needless to say, I slept very little last night for fear of increased bleeding, cramps, contractions, etc. I had already texted my boss late last night and gotten coworkers to cover today's mtgs so that was taken care of. Ben and I both stayed home with the intention of getting some sleep but I was up at 8:00 because sleeping was not working for me.

I called the OBs office shortly after 8:00 and got the answering service. Called shortly after 8:30, and got the receptionist, who said they normally don't bring people in for vaginal bleeding. (WHAT? Hello, did I fail to mention I'm 13 weeks pregnant?) I insisted, saying I had unanswered questions because the ER doc was a douche, er, didn't give us much information. Receptionist said the nurse would be in at 9:30 and she'd leave her a msg to call me.

9:30, 10:30, 11:00 rolls around, and she hasn't called. So I call. Sorry Alicia, I'm not sitting here, bleeding, waiting for your call. I explained to her that we did not have a great ER experience. The doctor gave us very little information, and I want to see the doctor to get questions answered and find out the cause of the bleeding. She puts me on hold. She took a look at my u/s and baby looks good. She's going to talk to the doctor and call me back, but tells me she's holding a 4:00 appt for me. Okay, good.

Ben takes Noah, who also didn't seem to sleep well last night, outside, while I try to snooze on the couch. At 1:30, my phone rings, and it's Alicia. She said they took a closer look at u/s, and it appears that I have a low lying placenta. "Is this the cause of the bleeding?" I ask. "Yes", she says. "Is there reason to be concerned, will it resolve, I think I had that with Noah, what do we do now", I state.

Basically, my placenta is attached too close to my cervix. She said that as the baby grows and the pregnancy progresses, the baby will pull the placenta up, thus moving it out of the "low lying" position. I read that 90% of low lying placentas will resolve in this manner. The remaining 10%? She says if it doesn't move as pregnancy progresses, I would not be able to delivery vaginally.

Okay, after this bleeding scare, to hell with VBAC. I want this baby full term and healthy, and that is all that matter.

So what now? I have a diagnosis and reason for the bleeding (sidenote: bleeding seems to be subsiding), and now my orders are to "chill" this weekend. (Her words.) No heavy lifting, no housework, no sex, etc. So Noah and I will have a baby sitter tomorrow so Ben can go back to work, and I will stay home on Monday until I see Dr Carroll and get the all clear to go back to work. I have an appt on at 5:30pm on Monday because it's all they had, though I asked to be on a cancellation list, if possible, to come in sooner. I also asked about the baby's heart rate on the u/s. She told me it was 158. Perfect.

So for now, I'm laying low (like my placenta), and being waited on. Poor Noah is napping now. My mom said he was very nervous after our abrupt departure last night, and was asking where we went, and then couldn't fall asleep until they snuggled up in our bed. Poor kid.

updated...

2011-05-08T23:12:00.003-05:00

*9 weeks, 1 day*

For the last several weeks, I've been blogging but not posting them. But now things are officially, and for the most part (short of making it "Facebook Official"), our secret has gone public. We're expecting!!! I am due on December 9th, and aside from complete exhaustion from being pregnant and wrangling a two year old every day, I'm feeling great! Anyways, I just posted all my hidden blogs from the past several weeks, so go back to the beginning of April if you're an avid reader to catch up with my journey.

graduation day

2011-05-02T23:54:00.004-05:00

*8 weeks, 2 days*

Today I "graduated" from FCI. It was so bittersweet. I love everyone there, and I'm so grateful for each and every one of them. I bought a thank you card, brownies and cupcakes, and there were hugs all around. It was somewhat sad thinking that this would be my last time ever in this office as a patient.

Noah was not impressed by the image on the monitor, but we showed him a picture of the baby, with it's heart beating an impressive 172 beats per minute. wow. at this point (well at 10 weeks) noah's HB was 158. if the old wives tale is true, maybe this is a girl!

taking a step back, it occurs to me that i never wrote about the debacle of the first week and a half of this pregnancy. so my first beta was great, had me thinking twins. 2nd beta was not great. from 314 to 478 is *not* doubling. 3rd beta was even worse - 678. that weekend was so hard on me. i read so many things and asked so many questions to my fellow IF/IVFers. everyone reassured me - vanishing twin, they explained. this had to be the reason. another embryo still present in my uterus but not healthy enough to attach and survive. but still i wondered - what if it's ectopic? what if i'm going to miscarry?

after the 3rd beta was so low that friday, they pushed my 1st u/s to weds, as the HCG level has to be over 1200 or so for anything to be visible on u/s. on monday, the original u/s day, i spoke to my nurse gabby, who'd been out on friday. i asked about my progesterone levels. they were perfect, in the high 50s and low 60s. she assured me, with those prog numbers, it was not ectopic. i asked if i could come for a 4th beta (the other nurse on friday told me no), and i told gabby i needed some piece of mind and something to tide me over til the u/s on weds. she told me to come in.

later that day, i got a call from gabby that finally gave me an ounce of peace. she said she'd wanted to see the HCG level over 1600, and it was 1851. that number is forever etched in my mind, because it finally gave me hope that i was pregnant for good.

that weds, we went in for the first u/s. i was so nervous, and i know ben was too. there was no expectation to see a heartbeat. i was only 5.5 weeks, but we hoped to see SOMETHING, in the right spot, growing the way it should. and that's exactly what we saw. one beautiful embryo, tucked right in the middle of my uterus, measuring exactly 5.5 weeks. and then there was this smaller, somewhat crescent shaped shadow below my beauty on the screen. could it be? robin, the tech, couldn't be sure but said it could either be a collection of fluid or an unhealthy embryo. our vanishing twin.

when robin told us everything looked perfect, i lost it. i started sobbing and hugged her. given my rollercoaster week, i know she understood. plus, this was her job. she deals with crazy, hormonal, pregnant infertiles all.the.time. just another day for her.

on wednesday, a week later, we saw the heart beat for the first time. at 6.5 weeks, it was 122, and the "twin" was gone. i don't mourn the loss of the "twin". many people on my IF/IVF boards expressed their condolences. yes, twins would have been welcome, but i'm just grateful to have one healthy baby growing in me, and i'm not one to mourn a cluster of cells that was never meant to be. i know that sounds harsh, but after four rounds of IVF and a total of 12 embryos, i'll take two healthy babies as my final outcome any day of the week. :)

A-Z for infertility

2011-05-02T23:34:00.003-05:00

a real post coming soon, i promise, but first thanks to liz at Compromised Fertility for this...

A. Age when you started Trying to Conceive (TTC): It was early 2006, so I was (doing the math) 27.

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: BD always was a weird term to me...

C. Children wanted: Two or three.

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Two cats and one Child

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Before my last IVF cycle, I was taking Vitamin C, D, CoQ10, extra Folic Acid and Prenatals. Now just folic and vitamins.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Ack, so many!! Clomid, Lupron, Follistim, Ganerelix, Menopur, low dose HCG... hm. probably others.

G. Gain: IVF always makes me gain 5-10. And then there's the 10 I never lost after Noah...

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Yes, one when we first started Clomid, so fall of 2006.

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: People who get pregnant without trying and/or people who bitch and moan about the kids they have.

J. Job title: Early Intervention Service Coordinator

K. Kids names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Emily was my girl name with Noah. Might be in the running someday, but no names that are truly "must haves".

L. Length of time TTC: Days shy of two years with Noah. On and off for 2.5 years since Noah.

M. Miscarriages: None. Thankfully.

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: What's an FS?? Only switched OB when I started TTC. Was at Dupage Medical and switched to Dr C on the recommendation of a former co-worker who'd had fertility issues. Never switched REs. One of the best medical teams I've ever dealt with. And coming from me, that says a lot.

O. Ovarian quality: Questionable. May have diminished ovarian reserve. Test results for my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) seem to fluctuate every time they're tested. But I for sure do not stim well.

P. Pee on a Stick (POAS) or wait for Aunt Flo (AF): I am not one to POAS.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "I'm so fat and ugly."

S. Sperm: Perfect. No problems in that department.

T. Time you tried naturally: About six months before going to Dr C and starting Clomid. And then roughly a year and a half between Noah and IVF #3, and another ten months between #3 and #4.

U. Uterus quality: Good as far as we know. Possible endometriosis, but besides one cyst, no other evidence of endo.

V. Vagina: Poked and prodded by countless medical professionals.

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: Seeing as I have a 2.5 year old, I have it all, and I kept it all in hopes we'd get to use it again someday.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Family, friends, co-workers, strangers.... I'm known for being open about my IVF journey. I draw strength from sharing my story, and I know my honesty has helped others cope with their journey's as well.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): I go every year, though I think I am currently over due...

Z. Zits: Usually not a problem for me, even with all the hormones.

lazy sunday

2011-04-17T16:01:00.003-05:00

A. Age: 32

B. Bed size: California King. It's hard to sleep in anything else.

C. Chore you dislike: Most, but if I have to pick I'd say vacuuming.

D. Dogs: None. Not a big dog person.

E. Essential start to your day: Bathroom, meds, shower.

F. Favorite color: Blue.

G. Gold or silver: Silver. Most of my jewelry is silver and my wedding rings are platinum.

H. Height: 5'7" ish.

I. Instruments you play(ed): Played the clarinet for (...doing the math...) 12 years? Started in fifth grade and was a certified band nerd throughout high school and college. Even marched in college.

J. Job title: Early Intervention Service Coordinator

K. Kids: Two and a half year old Noah Taylor, the coolest kid I know.

L. Live: In a split-level house in Winfield, IL

M. Mom’s name: Kathleen

N. Nicknames: Mindy, since my full name is Melinda, but I also get Min or Mind a lot.

O. Overnight hospital stays: Lots. Was in a week after my gall bladder was removed. Was in a few days after my lung biopsy. Was in for five days due to a post-op infection. And several days following Noah's birth.

P. Pet Peeve: Again, lots. Ignorance and stupidity are probably on top of the list.

Q. Quote from a movie: I'm terrible with quotes. I blame it on my 80 year old memory.

R. Righty or lefty: Righty. I think Noah's gonna be a south-paw.

S. Siblings: One sister, one half-sister, three brothers-in-law, and two sisters-in-law.

T. Time you wake up: Depends on the day, but since Noah started on a normal sleep schedule, I can't sleep much past 8:00.

U. Underwear: Boring cotton bikinis. Usually Hanes from Target cuz they're cheap.

V. Vegetables you don’t like: I like most, but definitely can't do brussel sprouts or peas. Blech.

W. What makes you run late: Usually Ben. Honestly, if it's just me, I can usually have my shit together in time, but when it's the two (or three) of us going anywhere, we're always late. But sometimes it's just because we oversleep.

X. X-rays you’ve had: So many. Probably every joint has been x-rayed at some point.

Y. Yummy food you make: If you know me, you know I don't cook. :/ Wish I did, but fortunately, I don't have to. ;)

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Whatever gets Noah excited. This last zoo trip, he was excited to see the giraffes, and they were actually pretty cool.

2.5

2011-04-16T12:55:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, Noah turned two and a half and pooped on the potty twice. Wow.

I'm in awe everyday of him. How smart he is. How funny he is. How inquisitive he is. How polite he is. (Please, Thank you, Welcome, Love you.) Don't get me wrong - he has his moments. He's in a kind of bossy stage. "Mine" is a new familiar word. Time outs are becoming a routine occurance. But I always remind him that he is a good boy. (He just needs to learn to listen and not to throw toys, his two downfalls.)

We're looking forward to the weather turning to summer. Last weekend, we went to Klein Creek Farm with Gaga and Brookfield Zoo as a family with Auntie Juty, Uncle Shott, and Gigi, Amy, Mike, & (Noah's IL girlfriend) Anna. The weather was lovely, and we all got sunburned at the Zoo. This week however has been another story.

We are looking forward to lots of fun things this summer, including a recent decision to join Amanda, Robert, Isaac, & Laine for a long weekend in the Wisconsin Dells in August. I think the Dells just Ben, Noah, & I might not be so much fun, but with the other kids, I think Noah will have the time of his life! On top of that, there's the annual trip to Piatt Lake in the UP of Michigan, a few Cubs games, a few concerts (Ray LaMontagne and Brandi Carlisle for mommy & daddy, and New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys for mommy & auntie), and surely numerous playdates and visits to the playground. We're also planning on getting a pool pass, and I'm thinking of enrolling Noah in a dance or gymnastics class.

It's gonna be a great summer with my TWO AND A HALF YEAR OLD!!! Seriously? I can't believe how quickly time goes...

limbo

2011-04-10T22:42:00.002-05:00

i've had a lot on my mind that i don't really feel comfortable blogging about right now, since i don't know who all is reading this. hopefully i'll be able to share the whole story sometime soon, but until then, just sit tight. long story short, life throws you curve balls, and sometimes you need to wait to find out the outcome. and let me just say that the limbo i'm in is the worst limbo of my life. i think my brain and heart might explode.

A New Day

2011-04-07T23:21:00.002-05:00

"A New Day Has Come"
Celine Dion

I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear

Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I'd had it all
But I was waiting for you

Hush now I see a light in the sky
Oh it's almost blinding me
I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun
A new day has come

When it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now's there's joy
Where there was weakness I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

Hush now I see a light in your eyes
All in the eyes of a boy

I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love

Hush now
A new day

An Open Letter to PETA

2011-04-07T22:02:00.003-05:00

Ingrid E. Newkirk, President
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
ingridn@peta.org

Dear Ms. Newkirk,

I am yet another member of the infertility community who is appalled to learn about your "Win a Vasectomy" contest, and I strongly request that you immediately discontinue this contest and issue a REAL apology (non the Facebook BS) to the infertility community for this shameful and careless campaign.

Conceiving a child is something that many people take for granted, but for 1 in 8 Americans, it is not something that comes easily. People try for years to conceive, and words cannot describe the pain and anguish that comes with infertility.

My son is my greatest gift, and without in-vitro fertilization, fantastic doctors, and an amazing support system, he might not be here. So for you to insinuate that winning a vasectomy to curb overpopulation sickens me. Still to neutering animals and throwing pain on people who wear fur, and let the infertility community out of this.

I demand you issue a formal apology to the infertility community and discontinue this contest immediately.

Sincerely,
Mindy Koechling

beta #2

2011-04-07T21:11:00.003-05:00

beta #2 was yesterday and was 478. "a little off" per my nurse. hcg levels are supposed to double every 48-72 hours, and mine are doubling at a rate of 79 hours. some lovely ladies from my IVF board suggested that maybe it's what's called a "disappearing twin", meaning another embryo (or two) were still present but hadn't fully attached to my uterus and was not viable. the presence of the embryo could have raised the initial level, therefore making the 2nd number not look like it doubled correctly.

anyways, i go back tomorrow for beta #3 and early ultrasound is scheduled for monday. definitely staying positive and feeling pregnant! i've definitely had symptoms for the last week or so. cramps, constipation, sore boobs, big boobs, etc. no nausea yet, thankfully!

BFP

2011-04-04T16:04:00.002-05:00

Holy Crap. I'm pregnant!! HCG is 314 and progesterone is 57 13dt3dt. I go back Wednesday and Friday, and then early ultrasound sometime next week!

pain in the neck

2011-03-29T22:39:00.002-05:00

Earlier this month, I started having major neck issues. Keep in mind, I have RA so I have crappy joints to begin with, so I always have aches and pains. But shortly after coming back from Arizona, I started having serious neck and shoulder pain. I was in pain and uncomfortable all the time, and it was hard to focus on anything unless I was laying down.

After about a week of the discomfort, and once I started experiencing weakness and tingling down my left arm, I finally went to see a doctor. I just went to a family medicine guy at the clinic, nothing special. He gave me some exercises and ordered x-rays. He mentioned that if the x-rays were okay, he might recommend an MRI.

I did the x-rays the same day, and the next day the nurse called saying everything was normal. I asked about the MRI, and the nurse said the doctor had noted to call back in a week if I was still experiencing pain.

I was put off. Not only was I struggling to deal with the pain, it was interefering with daily activity AND I was in the midst of IVF stims. I didn't want to risk going into my ER & ET without addressing the issue, especially because of my experience with cycling during an RA flare last summer. (Long story short, it didn't work possibly because of the flare.)

The next day, I called back and said I wanted to do the MRI now. I told the nurse there was no improvement and tried to express the urgency without having to detail my whole IVF/IF story. She talked to the doctor and an order was put in for MRI.

Now call me naive, but I guess I didn't know what an MRI was. I mean, I knew what it was, but didn't realize quite how small that tube is that they put you in. I went in for my MRI the following Wednesday, and promptly freaked out as soon as I was moved into the tube. I walked out, tail between my legs and in tears, without completing the MRI.

**Side bar: Part of why I got so emotional following the MRI attempt, aside from the hormones and urgency of beating the clock on my IVF retrival, was because Noah had an MRV (basically an MRI for the ventricals in the brain) about a year and a half ago. I remember thinking he had to be scared during the test. He wailed and reached for me. I stayed calm, but kept thinking "I'd be so claustraphobic, how must he feel?" SO flash forward to my experience, and I had a sudden wave of guilt for putting Noah in that position. I hate mother's guilt.

Anyways, after my freak-out, I talked to several friends and co-workers and all suggested an Open MRI. Again, naive. Didn't know there was such a thing, so I called the medical group, and they confirmed they didn't have one. So I googled, and found one near my office. I got an appt for that Friday. The day before my retrival.

I survived the open MRI, and was told I'd have results within 24 hours.

So the weekend came and went, and on Monday, the day before my transfer, I still hadn't heard anything. I called the doctor. They hadn't received the results. WHAT?! I called the MRI place, they called the doctor, the doctor called me...

Diagnosis is bulging discs between C5 & C6 and C6 & C7. I had previously self diagnosed (thanks Google) with a C5/C6 problem, because of the location of the pain, weakness, and tingling. I see the orthopedic doctor tomorrow, and I am hoping that all I need is some PT to resolve the issue, and that surgery isn't needed. Especially since I'm PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) with my triplet embryos. :)

IVF again

2011-03-23T22:44:00.002-05:00

So I'm pregnant. Hahahaha! Well, pregnant until proven otherwise. This is my mindset. It's going to help get me through the grueling 2WW. I remember that after my transfer with Noah, I would pound the mantra "This will work" into my own head everyday, and I truly believe that optimism and positivity helped that lone embryo to sick. But let me go back...

Last week it seemed like things were coming a long. There were a lot of follicles, and I hoped that would equal a lot of mature eggs. I got the call on Thursday that egg retrieval (ER) would be that Saturday the 19th at 9am. We went to the FCI River North office Saturday morning, and like riding a bike, I was calm about the process and the procedure, but what raced through my mind was "this is it". I knew that this could potentially be my last chance at having a baby of my own.

If you've never had to feel the ache of infertility, you are more fortunate than you know. There is something to be said about the natural desire to have ones own child. A child that is like me, looks like me, looks like Noah. I stared at the ceiling thinking about all the possibilities. What if there are no eggs? What if we get some to freeze? What if there's only a few? What if I don't get pregnant?

The ER went smoothly, as always. It's a pretty simple easy procedure. It's done under general anesthesia and takes no more than 15 minutes. They basically aspirate the eggs from the ovaries by inserting a needle vaginally, going through the vaginal wall and extracting the eggs directly from the follicles. It's really pretty incredible if you think about it.

During the retrival, they collected six eggs and drained a cyst. Not going to lie, I was disappointed. Six was not the number I'd hoped for.

The next day, I got a phone call with the fertilization report. Of the six eggs, only three were mature. They were all fertilized with ICSI (intracytoplasmic semen injection - basically they pick the best sperm and inject it directly into the egg), and all were growing well. They were growing, but again, I was disappointed. Three embryos meant this would be my final transfer. All I could was hope they all made it to transfer...

The next day, I got the call that we were scheduled for a day 3 embryo transfer (ET) the next day, Tuesday the 22nd. I asked how the embryos were growing, and she said they were all growing well.

Tuesday we went back to the FCI River North office, and blasted Chicago rush hour, we were a half hour late. Fortunately, they always tell you to be there an hour before your procedure is scheduled, so it wasn't a huge deal. And again, old hat. Been there, done that, but again, the nervous, staring at the ceiling thoughts came back.... I couldn't help but think about the possibilities.

The embryologist (who I think has an amazing job, by the way) came in and discussed our embryos. She told us they were all 8-cell (which is ideal for a day 3 ET) and looked great. For the embryologist to tell us they looked great meant a huge deal to me. She knows what she's talking about, and while maybe she says that to everyone (I doubt it), it was what I needed to hear.

Dr. Uhler did my ET this time. It's a really incredible thing to see, but even cooler was that now FCI lets you see your embryos before transfer! The embryologist put the petri dish until the microscope and there were my embryos on the computer screen. Oh how I wish I had a picture of that image! It's so surreal! That was Noah once upon a time. That was all of us really, and while an 8-cell embryo does not to me equal human child, it represents the start of something incredible. I think that was the icing on the cake. That's the picture in my mind that I'm holding onto, hoping for the best outcome.

We transferred all three beauties, and later, Ben and I discussed the possibility of twins or triplets. Or sextuplets if they all were to split, god help us. But really, we'll handle whatever we get, just as long as it means bringing home a baby.

So cross your fingers and toes, and hold your breathe! Here goes nothing!

onozona (Noah speak for Arizona)

2011-03-13T23:18:00.006-05:00

Finally a non-Noah/IVF centered blog entry!!!!! Let's talk about vacation, baby!

About two weeks ago, we went on our almost-annual Arizona trip. It was so lovely to be back. It always feels like a 2nd home. Everything is so familiar. I think I determined that we've only missed two years (the year we went to Acapulco for spring break and the year we got married) since we started going in ... 1999!

Every year we stay with our dear friends Amanda and Robert. Amanda is one of my dearest friends. I most often refer to her as my college roommate, though we never actually "roomed" together. We shared an apartment for a year, but besides that she was my (band) sorority big sister and best friend at ISU. We helped each other through some difficult times and had some AMAZING times too. So needless to say, every opportunity to spend time together is welcomed.

Anyways, Noah had the time of his life. Amanda's daughter Laine is about 3.5mo younger than Noah, and they were *in love* with each other. They had so much fun playing together and chasing each other around. The best was when they would kiss. Ah, young love! Noah would lean in and Laine would grab his cheeks to pull him in. So sweet! And Amanda's step-son Isaac who is 11 (i think?) was so good with Noah. Noah would go to Isaac and ask "backsetball?" and Isaac would shoot baskets while Noah watched and chased the ball. There was a lot of silliness and wrestling with those two.

One morning, we went out to breakfast and then hit the local farmers market. The kids really enjoyed the going on the horse drawn wagon and Noah especially liked the petting zoo and dancing to the woman playing guitar.

We went to the first two Cubs spring training games of the year. Spring training is always a treat, as we are huge baseball fans, and Noah is becoming very interested in the sport too. The first game we sat in the outfield lawn, which was actually great for Noah, because he had room to move. Fortunately all the people sitting near us were kind and tolerant, because I can't tell you how many got nailed with Noah's pitches... The Cubs lost both games and the weather was on the chilly side (for AZ), but we didn't care. It was just nice to be enjoying some spring baseball.

We also went to Marley Farms petting zoo, which was literally around the corner from Amanda & Roberts' house. It was a fun, cheap way to spend the day. Noah had free reign and we basically just followed him around as he wandered through the barn, past the goats, back through the barn.... you get the point. We probably spent and hour and a half there, petting and feeding the animals, including a huge camel and the first zonkey (zebra/donkey hybrid) I've ever seen.

We went to the McCormick-Stillman Railroad Park in Scottsdale. Noah and I went when we went to AZ without Ben in December 2009, and I told Ben I wanted to go back because Noah liked it so much back then. I don't think Ben realized how cool it actually was until he saw it for himself. Between the train ride, the model trains, the pullman cars, the catosel (or mairty go round), the park, and ice cream, I think both the boys had a great day.

ivf

2011-03-12T14:40:00.003-06:00

the ivf process is complicated. it's exhausting. it's stressful. it pulls you in different directions. i've generally been okay, but my poor tummy is so bruised, my emotions are all over with the damn hormones, and the frequent doctors appointments are time consuming.

we're getting close to retrieval. i'm trying not to think too much about it. i'm trying to stay positive and hopeful. really at this point, what else can i do? i've stopping drinking caffeine and alcohol, i'm doing acupuncture, i'm trying to stay peaceful but focused.

while i was in the office this morning for the routine of bloodwork and ultrasound to monitor my hormone levels and how my eggs are growing, i had a strange experience. i was in the waiting room with several other women waiting for bloodwork, and a women walked in pushing a stroller.

now this is hard to truly understand if you've never experienced infertility. i remember before i had noah, the bitterness i had toward those women. they had the audacity to bring their child to the fertility clinic!? it was the same feeling i would get anytime i'd see a pregnant woman or new baby. sort of a weight in the bottom of your stomach. a heavy ache. a pain that is hard to explain without experiencing it for yourself.

well when that woman walked in the waiting room today, i didn't quite feel that ache, but it felt weird and awkward. you see, i am still so cognizant of how women might look at me with a small child. how they might be bitter toward me or jealous of my luck to be able to have a child.

my world has been shaken this past year, and i truly have a better appreciation for my noah, and all the children in my life. i think those who've walked with me this past year have felt a change in perspective too, and while i think i was feeling anguish for the other women in that room, i was also still feeling it for stacy. i think of how she would feel if she were one of the people in that room, and it reminds me to never take my baby or my good fortune for granted.

tragedy and heartache

2011-02-21T23:59:00.004-06:00

so i've been thinking about this blog for days. i keep thinking about things i need to put out there. thoughts that have been flitting through my head. thoughts about noah's awesomeness. thoughts about my shattered heart, the depth of my sadness, the ache of yet another loss.

the long and short of it is this. february 10th was an awesome day. we celebrated stacy making it to 24 weeks - viability. the realization of a baby possibly fighting an unhill battle, but at least being born to fight the battle.

february 11th the bottom fell out. i woke up to a text from stacy. she had started bleeding. she went to the hospital. there was no heartbeat. a baby girl was born around 2:30am, 1 lb 10 oz.

the ache is my heart took my breathe away. how one person has to experience this pain, this grief again.... how they have to now have three angel babies... i went into work that day, a friday, and cried all day. i think after stacy lost the twins i was able to hold it together, because their passing at 23 weeks 2 days was inevitable. her water had broken, one baby with the heart defect, the other septic. i went to bed the night they were born knowing i would have to deal with their passing the next day. this time, i went to bed happy, greatful for the gift the universe, maybe even god? had given my friend. and the next day, 24 weeks, 1 day, she is taken away.

...

i talk about MY feelings about this tragedy, and it's not even my tragedy to grieve. i think it affects me so deeply because of mine and stacy's shared IF & IVF journeys - my memory of her coming to me to tell me she was starting IVF while i was just a few months pregnant with noah. she was there for my journey, and i've been there for hers. i can understand where her mind is at to that extent, but i am left to imagine what it feels like to lose not one, not two, but three babies in under a year. and after all the hoops of IVF...

...

i saw stacy last thursday and when people asked how she was, i struggled to answer. she just is. she's hurting and who can blame her? she's confused and scared. losing three babies doesn't take away the desire to have a baby or to raise a child, but she now is forced to look at other options. options that she may have never even considered.

she comes back to work on wednesday. half days this week, and full time next week. she has to for financial reasons, and too because what is the alternative? sit and home and mope? work equals routine and human contact, which will be hard at first, but it's what she needs to keep moving forward. it will be harder though this time around, since she is coming back to an office with three pregnant people- one due in a few short weeks, another due just two weeks before her own due date, and another a close friend of ours. and that's not to mention several others who are trying, myself included.

which, speaking of - my IVF suppression is underway, though my gut reaction after stacy's cerclage came out and then again after the baby passed was to cancel the cycle. i told ben that's what i wanted to do, but after some conversations and some time, i decided to keep moving, and at least see how it goes and how i feel after vacation. - ah yes, vacation.....

we leave for AZ on wednesday night, and you know how much i've packed? nothing. i've gone so far as pulling out mine and noah's "summer" clothes and buying travel sized noxzema and st ives scrub. let's just say, tomorrow night's gonna be busy....

amidst all the sadness and stress of the past few weeks, i've failing to blog about noah's continued awesomeness!!!

he SINGS!! no more humming or singing a word here and there, but full on singing! he sings ring around the rosy, twinkle twinkle, abc's, happy birthday, most of take me out to the ballgame, patty cake... ah, what am i forgetting? he's taking in longer sentences all the time, and which i still have to translate for a lot of people, we are understanding the vast majority of what he says. he talks about his day, and makes jokes about things that he knows will make us laugh. he's doing a lot more smiling on command, or "cheesing" as i call it because that squinty eyed smile is pretty cheesy. he's LOVING school, and his teachers keep commenting on how great he's talking. he's even eating better recently! he's taken up hot dogs and chicken nuggets on a consistent basis, and the other weekend he ate my mother-in-law's lasagne and asparagus! he needed a little bribary (matchbox cars and chocolate cake), but hey, whatever works!!

stacy's loss has really made me re-evaluate my fortune. i know i'm lucky to have noah, don't get me wrong, but i honestly have a new found appreciation for him and the way he's changed me. i was talking to my co-worker who is due in a little over a month, and she was saying how she is nervous for stacy to come back, and expressed her guilt about being pregnant since she wasn't even trying to conceive. it was hard for me to respond to that besides to tell her that stacy is still happy for her, and had said so the day before. it took me a few moments to realize that what i should have told her, and what i will tell her before her baby comes is that while everyone's situation is different, she will be a better person and a better mom and have a better appreciation for HER child because of stacy's experience. we are all affected by life's twists and turns in our own way, but i think that if anything good can come from this tragedy, it is that so many people close to it have been impacted in a way that none of us will forget. we have to remind ourselves not to take these things for granted, and hopefully, we can share this with others as well.

acupuncture

2011-02-07T21:26:00.002-06:00

so last week i had my first session of acupuncture at eastern healing in wheaton. i have read for years about the benefits of acupuncture for fertility, and have seriously been considering doing it for several months. only recently did i get the motivation to actually do it, and i think finding out that an associate attributed her clomid pregnancy to it.

i went last week for the initial consult and treatment. we talked a lot about my history, both medical and fertility. we talked about my routines, diet, lifestyle, etc. it's hard to have those conversations, because i'm a pretty lazy person. there's no exercising here, and while my diet's not TERRIBLE, it's not great either. i realized that i could really benefit from making some dietary changes, but changing my lifestyle, especially when ben is my cook, will be challenging.

anyways, the needles aren't the bad part. actually you can barely feel them. what is hard for me is lying still for 45 minutes. i get muscle cramps, dead leg, itchy ear, crick in my neck.... and it's kinda scary to move with needles stuck all over. i try to relax and let myself go, but i'm not quite there yet. i hope i get there because i want to use the time not only as a treatment for my fertility issues, but also as a mental escape. which is hard, since i'm a thinker with A LOT on my mind lately, but it's a goal.

that said, the starting point is one session a week for a month, then decreasing to every other week, and then bumping it to two times per week the week before and of retrival... at $70 a pop, it's not cheap, but my logic is 70 bucks times maybe 8 sessions - if it does what i hope it will - is a HELLLLLL of a lot cheaper than paying for an IVF cycle(or cycles) out of pocket.

which, on that note, has begun. last thursday i started my three week birth control pill suppression, and off we go. my meds will be delivered on saturday, and assuming all goes well, i hope to be pregant by the end of march. *fingers crossed*

rollercoaster

2011-02-06T14:54:00.002-06:00

this week has been a rough ride. it started off good - my in-laws were on their california trip having the time of their lives. i had my child care situation nailed down for the week. things were peachy. and then the snow started...

they closed work early on tuesday, and called off work for wednesday with the impending storm of the century. the snow started around 1pm on tuesday, but i didn't leave til about 2:30. it took me an hour to get home. the minute i walked in, ben walked out and that was the last time i saw him until about 8:30 the next night.

it was text-me-tuesday. i've grown to look forward to tuesdays, with stacy's weekly doctor visits would come an update around 4pm. well on this day, i wasn't sure what time her appt was, and with the snow i didn't know if it would be cancelled or what would happen.

at some point in the early evening i got the text. "i'm back in the hospital" it said. what does that mean? i wondered. i texted back to let me know what's up when she could. after an eternity (probably about four hours), i texted again telling her i was worried and asking her to call me when she could. a few minute later she called and i could tell it wasn't good news.

long story short, she was thinning and dialating behind the cerclage, and it seemed the doctors weren't giving her much time. she could be transferred to loyola and wait it out for god knows how long or take out the cerclage and let nature take it's course. and she had to decide by morning. all the while trapped at the hospital in a literal blizzard.

i tried to be supportive and she and i cried together. she would be 23 weeks on thursday. she lost the twins at 23 weeks, 2 days...

i got off the phone with her and called kim, then texted everyone from the office, past and present. i was all alone, baby sleeping, world ending outside. blizzard in chicago, unrest in egypt, something in japan (a volcano?), something in australia (a typhoon?), and now this. the world was crashing down around me. i was helpless.

in the morning i texted stacy. she texted that she was getting the cerclage out soon. later she texted that she was home. 1cm dialted and doctor thought she could have the baby within 24 hours. more helplessness. more sense of stillness. suddenly nothing mattered more in the world. i held noah. hugged him, kissed him, told him how grateful i was for him. but no tears. i've felt numb since this started. i think i know how i feel, but it's so surreal. how is this happening AGAIN? anger at the universe only begins to describe it.

everyone i know is praying for a miracle. i even asked a god i don't believe in that if there is any justice in the world, this baby will be saved. so much energy, so many thoughts and prayers of SO many people are being sent to stacy and doug and that precious baby that is wanted more than anything...

and all of this in the midst of a blizzard.

that was four days ago. today stacy is 23 weeks, 3 days. one day further than she made it before. one day further than she got with twins, one with a severe heart defect, and one who developed sepsis. she is four days from viability, but so far from full term.

i want off this crazy ride for my own sanity, but moreso because i was stacy to have that precious baby that she has waited so long for.

updates

2011-01-25T23:50:00.002-06:00

so first and foremost, stacy was d/c from the hospital on friday, and went today for her weekly check-up. everything is a-okay, "stable" was her word. cervix at 3.8 and hanging in there. officially, she's on a month of bedrest. unofficially, i want her to stand on her head for the next four months and keep that precious babe in. there's very little expectation of her coming back to work. the doctor probably said a month just to give her some sense of sanity. i think the reality is that the doctor is on pins and needles with the rest of us. kim and i are going to visit stac on thursday, and i think it will do me well to actually have a conversation with her and find out exactly where her head's at.

on a lighter note, noah fell down the stairs on saturday. *sigh* yeah i won mom of the year in the third week into twenty eleven. he's a big boy and can manage stairs, but i think between the post-nap haze, the beloved juice cup, and a freaking blue matchbox car, he just didn't have coordination to safely make it down the stairs... thank goodness we live in a split level, so the number of stairs he grazed is less than or equal to six. though the thud at the bottom, on the tile mind you, was deafening, only second to the scream i let out when i realized what had just happened.... but alas, he will live. i iced him with a bag of peas, only after frantically trying to reach ben and getting my mom, who came with jeff to console, er calm me down. and then julie & scott dropped grant off for the night. lovely.

noah looks like he's sprouting horns, with two big, round, blue circles on each temple. my poor babe. but on the upswing, prior to "the tumble", he told my mom on the phone "yub oo" or love you (in english). i about cried, and we've been reinforcing it ever since. the way that the whole please and thank you (pee and tank-oo) has finally fallen into place, soon yub oo will be part of daily life. :)

a few other things to note: we finally booked our airfare to AZ and i have a tentative timeline for my yet to be named IVF cycle. (i was gonna go with 2.1 but that makes me feel like then there will be a 2.2, etc and that's not in the plan.)

yes, AZ is booked - we fly late feb 23 and return on mar 1. we'll be hitting two spring training games during that time, and more importantly, will get to spend time with some very dear friends.

and as for IVF, i plan on trying to keep it on the DL IRL, but goodness knows that's a nearly impossible task for me. the long story short is that i will start the suppression component when i get my period, sometime in the next week, then i'll be on the pill (yes, THAT pill) for three weeks and will start shots while i'm in AZ. when i'm back from AZ they'll do my baseline blood and u/s and go from there with the stimulation process. all said, i hope to bring home a baby next january! :)

PPT needed...

2011-01-19T00:05:00.001-06:00

long story short - my friend who lost her IVF twins in april at 23 weeks is now 20 weeks with pregnancy #2. they have been monitoring her weekly to keep a close eye on any cervical changes, but today she went for her routine check and they admitted her because she's starting to dialate. what.the.eff. they did an emergency cerclage at 8pm tonight, and she was told she'll be on bedrest for at least two weeks, and at most the duration of her pregnancy.

i have feeling so helpless and wish i could do something to comfort her, but the timing of this is so cruel. she was admitted at 20 weeks with her twin pregnancy because she was in preterm labor, both dialating and effacing. they held off on the cerclage for a week or so, before doing it at .5cm as a last ditch to save the pregnancy. she's still at like 3.9cm so all i can do is hope it does the trick and the benefits outweigh the risks this time around.

i just feel so bad - my heart aches for her! i can't explain how hard this pregnancy has been. she hasn't been able to enjoy being pregnant because she lives with the fear of the not so distant memories. we keep telling her, get to 20, 23, 24 weeks, and hopefully then you'll have some peace and be able to enjoy being pregnant. a preemie? it would be hard, but that she can handle - we work in EI for chr*st sake - resources are at our fingertips. but oh, to lose another child. i can't even let myself go there. i don't want my mind to go there, but i cannot stop my mind from running laps...

just needed to release that. maybe i'll go to bed and wake up and it will all have been a bad dream.... but just in case, please send stacy & doug and that sweet baby, who is wanted in this world more than the universe knows, all the prayers and positive thoughts you can spare.

words

2011-01-13T23:23:00.003-06:00

in the last two weeks or so, noah has made some MAJOR gains in his speech. it's truly amazing to see! early last week, he said grandpa for the first time, and i was totally caught off guard. i asked him then to say grandma, and he did!! i was so excited! after months of my mom being gaga, ben's parents finally have names!!! the day or two after that, noah finally started calling himself noah instead of nih, and dora is now do-uh, instead of dih.

the things that come out his mouth are crazy. words that we look at each other and say "did you teach him that?" and the phrases too! watch show, one more, jump down... i mean that's just the tip of the iceberg! last night he said something - hm. now i can't remember but it was a three word phrase that ben and i just looked at each other stunned. he's really trying hard to tell us things and ask for things, and we really try to encourage him. he's saying harder words too - elephant is el fant. avacado is cowdoh. after basically no words last may besides an inconsistent mama and dada, he has come so far! and if you ask his name, he might even tell you it's noah ko-ching.

tonight he was looking at a picture of ben's grandma, and i asked if he know who that was. he said dog. i said yeah she has a dog. that's great grandma, can you say great grandma?

and you know what? he did. :)

resolutions

2011-01-04T00:16:00.003-06:00

so i'm not one to make new years resolutions, but i definitely have goals for the year. i would love to eat healthier and live happier, reduce clutter in my home, and of course, have another baby. one other thing i'd really like to do is to try to blog on a more regular basis, not so much because i think anyone reads it, but moreso for my own peace and clarity. i feel like it was such a good outlet for me when i was pregnant, and when i was trying to get pregnant with noah, i utilized my IVF message boards for the same purpose.

so that said...

noah had speech today for the first time since getting tubes last week. he is continuing to make hugs strides with his speech. the things that he comes up with sometimes almost brings tears to my eyes because i'm just so in awe of how cool he is.

work today was uneventful, thankfully. january is historically the busiest month of the year for us, so i mostly spent the day tying up loose ends, closing cases, and getting mtgs scheduled.

i did come to the realization today when i was driving to work that i need to start my IVF process. i feel like obviously it's something i want to do, but for fear of failure, i keep putting it off. i guess in the back of my mind i think i won't have to deal with the possibility of failure if i just do go through the process. but of course, in putting off the possibility of failure, i'm also putting off the possibility of success, and with that, the dream of noah being a big brother. so i talked to my fellow IVFer at work about my thought process, and of course, she supported me in my maddening volley of logic, and encouraged me to at least call and make an appointment.

so i came home tonight, loved on noah, and chatted with ben about where my brain is at. i think we came to the resolution that if i am ready, we should do it, and agree that if it doesn't work this time, then we will look at the out-of-pocket IVF options and find the money to go again... so i guess my next step is to call the RE and make and appt to get the ball rolling once again...

with all of these thoughts also comes the possibility of an arizona trip for spring training in march!!! the thought of AZ in the spring thrills me!! dear friends, warm weather, cubs games, in-n-out burgers!!! ah, the joys are endless!

and soon after that begins the rash of babies again, as i have SEVERAL friends (mostly, or possibly exclusively, ex-CFC girls) who are pregnant and due this spring and summer. :) i am clawing to get on that wagon. stay tuned!

reflections on 2010

2011-01-02T23:30:00.002-06:00

so i didn't really want to reflect on 2010, but the more i think about it and am reminded about the year that was, i feel more and more obligated to close the door on it. so here goes...

since the spring, i've wanted the year to be over, and truly for good reason. not all because of bad things that happened directly to me, but because i take other people's pain and struggles to heart, i hurt for so many people in 2010.

best i can recall, it started with the passing of my uncle steve, my dad's brother. i was hit hard by this loss for a number of reasons. one - he never met my noah, which hurts in and of itself, but also because my dad never got to meet noah (and vice versa) and i guess in my mind steve was the closest thing to him. two - he was so much like my dad, in both the good ways and the bad, but regardless, every time i saw him, it was haunting... three - i can't remember the last time i saw him. stab, and twist. i mourn that we haven't been closer to him and my dad's family since my dad died in 97, but yet, we still don't see that part of the family, except at funerals, it seems...

sometime around then, i started having a flare-up of my arthritis. i distinctly remember getting my nails done for amanda's wedding in arizona, and the manicurist tweeked something in one of my fingers and that started it. from there, my fingers swelled, my joints locked, and i started going downhill fast. by summer, i was basically crippled and struggled to care for myself and noah. work was challenging for me, as every keystroke made my fingers ache and my knees throbbed as i sat at my desk.

and then there was the swing that hit me in my gut like nothing i've ever experienced. i've experienced loss in tragic ways and felt sadness more overwhelming than can be described, but i will never forget the day i received the phone call at work in early april. after getting pregnant with twins after five rounds of IVF, my dear friend called following her 20 week high risk appointment saying that she was being admitted to the hospital because she was almost fully effaced. i held it together while i was on the phone, but after i got off, i lost it. i know at that moment there would not be a positive outcome. three weeks later, she had to give birth to twin boys at 23 weeks.

i know that this was truly the turning point of my year. i held stacy's loss as if it had happened to me, and despite my best efforts, i could not shake the pain. she was so strong, so stoic, so brave. i know i would not have been able to keep it together. i don't know how, but she put the pieces back together, and jumped back in. she is now 18 weeks pregnant.

a month and a day after stacy gave birth, another blow. a friend - whom i call my friend, because she is, though we have never met - lost her four month old, one of twins, to SIDS. i met sam through my IVF message boards on ivillage.com and we were due one day apart with noah and caden, and we lived every moment of that IVF cycle and our pregnancies right along with one another. we shared every happiness, every fear, and every dirty detail of labor, delivery, breastfeeding, diaper changing, etc. us October girls were tight. so when i read on her facebook page a month and a day after stacy's boys were born and died that mason had died in his crib, i fell apart. poor noah must've thought his mama was crazy during those months. i was an emotional mess. i was heart broken all over again.

but we pushed on. i had thought we'd start back with IVF around noah's first birthday, but i wasn't feeling quite ready at the time. so we pushed it back. or i did. we never really talked about it. it just never felt right, and honestly, looking back, i'm not sure what made us go for it in june. i think i needed something good to happen, and i hoped that this would be it.

unfortunately, as you know, it didn't work, and in retrospect, i think i wasn't fully ready emotionally, and i know now that physically, i should not have cycled. i was in the midst of the worst flare-up of my adult life, yet i went ahead with my cycle.

from there, things kind of leveled out. i got my negative pregnancy test, and decided it was time to change rheumatologists, explore my fertility options, and try to refocus my life. i still kind of feel all over the place sometimes. i know i should exercise, eat better, declutter my life, but with two boys in the house, it's hard to make some of those changes.

it also doesn't help that arthritis wears you down, both physically and emotionally. i always think of things that i WANT to do, but don't have the energy or strength to do. i always thing of things that i should say, but can't muster the courage, strength, or fight to do it. and when i do, i get a moment's reprieve and then it's back to the grind.

***

so with that, i say peace out 2010, and don't let the door hit'cha! i'm gonna take 2011 by the balls and say eff you to pain and sadness. i'm gonna get pregnant this year, i'm gonna make certain that i get all aspects of my life and house in order (within reason), and i'm gonna be happy.

<3

new noah words

2010-11-10T18:31:00.002-06:00

in recent weeks - daddy (as opposed to dada), zoo ("e-yoo"), limo ("yih-mow"), boo!, hello ("hay-yo"), and hi. he reads LOTS of digger books, and can identify the difference between a grater ("guh"), bulldozer ("buh"), tractor ("truh"), trailer ("truh"), dump truck ("dip truh"). he repeats "i" and when i ask him to say "love" he usually says "mama" (meaning "I love mama"). he says joe a lot which either means semi-truck (from one of his favorite books about big joe) or miss jo, his speech therapist.

i can usually understand what he's saying in context, but a lot sounds (ie. "buh" "guh" or "muh") mean multiple different thing - for example: buh is boat, back, boots, and ball (though he'll say ball if we prompt him) to name a few.

he LOVES dora and diego. love. he begs me everyday when we get home to watch them. he says "dih" (dora), "day-go" (diego) and dances to dora's "we did it" dance every time.

Two years, IF & more babies

2010-10-10T12:22:00.003-05:00

i've not been so good about blogging lately. life has been busy and my mind has been busy. the thought to blog came to me today when i happened on a show on channel 11 where paula zahn was taking infertility with some of her guests.

anytime the topic of IF or IVF comes up, i have mixed feelings. part of me feels sad and that ache of wanting another baby creeps in. but then i feel overwhelming joy and pride, and the look on the face of my angel child almost brings tears to my eyes (despite the terrible twos creeping in). i feel so lucky to have my noah, who will be two on friday. i've said it before and i'll say it again - infertility sucks, but had i not walked that road, i know i would not be the mother that i am now. however unfair it might be to say, i know that i wanted this boy so desperately that i love him more than i would have if he'd come easily to us.

this week, one of the pioneers of IVF, dr. robert edwards, was awarded the nobel prize for medicine. i agree with melissa over at stirrup queens that the nobel prize doesn't really mean a whole lot in this day and age, especially with dr. edwards' award coming over 30 years AFTER the fact, but i am grateful for some positive press for IVF (aside from the vatican's denouncement of the honor). after the whole octomom debacle of two years ago, it's nice for someone to publicly say something good about IVF. and truly, i am grateful to dr. edwards (and his colleague, the late dr patrick steptoe) for their discovery. without their research and hard work, i do not believe that my noah would be here today.

we've come so far from our IF journey. it feels like forever ago, and sometimes it's hard to believe noah's only turning two. i feel like he's been a part of my life forever, and it's exciting to think about him being around for the rest of my life. i want him to have a sibling or two, and i hope that my mind and body will allow that to happen. preferably sooner than later, though that is a huge decision on the horizon... part of me thinks we need to go before the end of the year, since my deductible's been met, but part of me thinks that i'm not quite ready to go down that road. it will be our last IVF cycle covered by insurance, and i cannot really put into words how daunting that is for me.

it can be hard though, day to day, when i am surrounded by people dealing with IF and the last person you'd expect announces she's pregnant. a girl at work announced last week that she is pregnant. i hate that that situation still gives me mixed feelings. i want to be happy for her. i really feel that children are life's greatest joy and i want that happiness for everyone who wants it, without the pain and frustration of IF because i wouldn't wish that on anyone. but there's still the lingering resentment and jealousy because i want to be the one making that announcement or for one of the four other girls at the office who've been trying to be the one.

of course, the day i found out that K was pregnant, i also found out that an acquaintance from high school was pregnant. later in the week, i got word that one of my IF friends was expecting, and a few days later, another dear friend announced her pregnancy... i want to take this mish-mosh of babies as a sign for things to come....

the latest adventures of noah

2010-09-01T23:09:00.003-05:00

let's see...

one of noah's newest words is "um". oh my god, are mommy's communication skills so bad that UM is word that noah hears often enough to add it to his limited vocabulary?? apparently so.

on monday, i came home from work to find out that noah had removed his own diaper during nap for the first time. he had pooped in his diaper, and then proceeded to pee in the bed.

on tuesday night i asked noah to smile, and he did. it's the sweetest little bashful smile, but FINALLY he smiles on command. hopefully that will make for some super cute two year old shots!

today we officially signed noey up for "preschool". he's going to be going to a parent day out program two days per week, 2.5 hours a day at one of the churches in town. i think it will be so perfect for him in terms of giving him more social opportunities with peers, and hopefully having some good language models to help move his speech along! they do a snack time too, so maybe we'll get lucky and decide he likes to eat crackers because the other kids eat crackers!!

finally feeling better

2010-08-26T23:45:00.003-05:00

oh thank god the drugs are working!!! i've been a new person this month. i was so afraid the damage was done, but the prednisone did the trick. now, if i can just figure out what to do next with the baby making..... insurance pays for one more IVF cycle, and beyond that, we're on our own. i'm trying to stay positive and just take it one step at a time, but i cannot help but think big picture...

but that is a thought for another day -

contemplating a nervous breakdown

2010-08-09T23:35:00.003-05:00

i have had a LOT on my mind lately. a lot. i don't even know if i have the time or energy to recap it all right now, but i'm sad i haven't been better about blogging, since lord knows poor noah's baby book is empty, save for a handful of the "easy" pages.

2010 has been a struggle. i didn't expect this to be such a challenging year. my goal for 2010 was to get pregnant with baby number two. you'd think after two years of infertility and two rounds of IVF i would have known it wasn't that easy. but i would have never guessed all the twists and turns the year would take and the emotional toll that the sadness of others would wear on me.

long story short, my arthritis has been flaring up since around february, and i have felt the worst these past few months as i have entire my entire adult life. i have struggled to take care of myself, let alone noah, and unforuntately, when i'm in pain, my temper surfaces and i am easily angered and frustrated.

i thought doing an IVF cycle in june was a good decision. in my mind, we would do it, it would work, and i would be pregnant and therefore, feel better. when i was pregnancy and nursing, i felt fantastic, and i thought - man, if i could just be pregnant... on the contrary, the IVF hormones made me feel worse, and the failed cycle pushed me to move on changing some things in my life.

i switched rheumatologists. same clinic, different doctor. i switched from a ho-hum, laid back, wait-and-see doctor, to a young, female, osteopathic doc who i hoped would embrace my concerns and tell me she had so many ideas to help me feel better. let's just say, she didn't embrace me. don't get me wrong. she has responsive to my concerns, and i feel like just making the change is a psychological fix, if only for the short term. she put my on some meds - namely prednisone, a steroid, which is meant to be a quick fix in the short term. it is helping a lot, but i no it won't last because i can't stay on it indefiniely. we talked about possible other drug options, but she didn't want to try anything if i am considering getting pregnant anytime soon. she said she would want the drugs she had in mind to be out of my system for six months - my eff-ing clock is ticking lady! i don't have six months! i may run out of eggs and options in six months! *deep breathe* she ran some tests, and determined that i was significantly anemia - moreso than usual. i did follow up bloodwork which confirmed that it is an iron-deficiency anemia, and she referred me to my primary.

now i don't have a primary... i'm always just used my rheumy as a primary, and gone to the clinic to see whomever when i've had a cold. so i went to my mom's primary. mom highly recommended her, and i thought, if i can just find someone who will hear my concerns, and tell me it is something more, and they know what will help. nope. she referred me to a GI doctor, put me on iron supplements, and something to protect my stomach from the meds the rheum put me on. she said the anemia could be caused by internal bleeding, a possible side-effect of a med i'd previously been on, and the GI may want to do an endoscopy.

now let's back up a minute. on top of physically feeling like shit since february, having been on an emotional rollercoaster with stacy's loss of her twins, other friend's and acquaintances losing their babies, and my own BFN from my IVF cycle, we had our open enrollment meeting at work in mid-july, where i found out that my premium is going from $500/mo (blue cross PPO for the entire fam) to $740/mo, and my specialist co-pays are going from $20 to $40, which is fucking fantastic since practically every doctor noah and i see are specialists..... seriously? they offered a secondary PPO option, that was $600/mo but has fewer in-network providers, one of which is missing is noah's pediatric group. EHHHHHH! big no. not switching. not when i ***LOVE*** the pediatrician. ***LOVING*** a doctor is a huge deal to me, and i am not willing to switch.

anyways, so i saw the rheum, i saw the primary, i have an appt with the hemotologist, which i may cancel because i'm so FUCKING busy this month, and the doctors have assured me my anemia is of the iron-deficiency sort, not the hereditary spherocytosis, you-need-a-transfusion-and-your-spleen's-about-to-burst kind.

i also saw the reproductive immunologist, dr. coulam. she is one of the best known RIs in the world, and totally acknowleges the (obvious to me) correlation between auto-immune diseases and infertility. i went to her basically knowing that given my medical and fertility history, she would want to run a battery of tests, bloodwork that i was 100% prepared to do that day. however...

the lab they use does not work with insurance, the doctor and nurse tell me. insurance might pay a portion of it, but you have to contact them to find out, submit the claim, and so forth, they say. oh and the testing costs $1350, plus $50 shipping and handling, and you have to pay up-front, cash, check, or credit TODAY.

wait, what?

i can't ask that many questions, i suppose. RIs are NOT a dime a dozen, and i'm on my last leg if i want another baby. but shit! $1400 up-front that insurance MAY cover a PERCENTAGE of??? yikes.

i haven't done the bloodwork yet, though i know ultimately i probably will, and should do it soon. i called the insurance company today, and they told me what info they'd need to have to tell me whether or not they would pay the claim. i am waiting to hear back from the billing department at the RIs clinic.

so that said, i am finally feeling better this week, thanks to the prednisone. for the first time in months, i can make fists with both hands. i don't cry because of the pain when i get out of bed in the morning. but my mind still races with the thoughts of what to do next. i do not know what my next move should be, and the primary made a comment that i can't get out of my mind.

she said it's hard to live with arthritis, and it's hard to care for a small child, but both of those things together are very hard. she said do you work? yes. full time? yes. if possible, you might think about going down to part time. (choking back tears) okay.

i say okay, but i really mean, well my job can be stressful, but it's very different from most jobs. i can come and go as i please, and i don't necessarily always work 40 hours.

but still. she's probably right. am i burning the candle at both ends? am i wearing myself down to the point that i'm causing more harm?

i worry constantly about getting old, not because i'm worried about wrinkles or saggy boobs, but because i'm afraid of what arthritis will do to me. i have had this disease for 30 years, and i am only 31 years old. most people who've had arthritis for 30 years have a foot in the grave. i want to live at least another 30 years, but i don't think longer is asking too much. but what kind of life will it be when i'm 61 and have had arthritis for 60 years? if this is the state of my body now, i'm terrified, T.E.R.R.I.F.I.E.D. of what it will be like when i'm older.

it's something above and beyond what most people can begin to comprehend, which is why, with what feels like the entire freaking deck stacked again me right now, i am contemplating a nervous breakdown.

but not until after i get back from vacation. :)

big talker

2010-07-24T16:29:00.002-05:00

so noah's talking more and more everyday - today he was HELL BENT on "go"ing somewhere. he stood by the door to the garage, pulling the handle and saying "go" "go" "go".

he's saying "more" pretty consistently to ask for things. he says yo-yo for yogurt. dig-ger is pretty clear now, and every yellow construction truck is a digger to noah. he says "hee haw" for donkey. he says "yeah" and "no" meaningfully. last week on monday, i got a text from ben saying that noah was saying "mo jjj" for more jello on numerous occasions. i have yet to hear a two-word phrase myself, but i've been trying to encourage it.

it's just great to hear his voice and his wants, and i can't wait to hear his thoughts and stories...

miscellaneous thoughts

2010-07-05T17:13:00.003-05:00

today is ben & my 7 year wedding anniversary. where has the time gone? so much has happened that i have to be greatful for. i know i talk about about IF and my dream for more babies, and i'm still working on the next steps, but in so many ways i am so greatful for noah and for ben and the life we have. there are so many good things, and sometimes i have to remind myself to take a step back and soak it all up.

i think of where we've come from in the last 14 (yes, fourteen) years that we've been together, and the mostly ups and some downs, and while the downs have been painful and heartwrenching, the ups are worth it all.

i look at noah and am amazed every single day, with everything he does and every word he says. we worked so hard for him, and wanted him so badly, that i think it makes every small thing that much greater.

a friend of mine who was about to head down the road of IF treatment, diagnosis in hand, called me a few weeks back and said "it's a faint line, but i think i'm pregnant". i burst into tears! she wanted it so bad, and ached for that baby too, and i hope hope hope everything turns out perfectly, because i'm so greatful she didn't have to make the long journey.

but i read stories, and blogs, and know people who are still aching for a baby. i hear their stories, and i feel their stories. i remember hating holidays and announcements of "oops" babies. i remember hating every pregnant woman or woman with a newborn that i saw - for all i know, they had taken the same journey, but i hated them nonetheless for achieving the ultimate goal.

i want another baby of my own. i want to experience it all again with the experience of having done it this time. maybe a VBAC? and what kind of older brother will noah be? but i have moments of being okay with this life as it is now, because i'm greatful for what i have. for noah and for ben. for my family and friends, house, cars, job, things... the ability to live a comfortable suburban life. i don't think it's wrong for me to want more, but for now (for today) i'm okay and so happy.

Fourth of July parade

other than that, some real, concrete info. no more mommy musings....

noah's been getting speech therapy since early june (i think). he's not a big talker, but understands everything we say and ask of him. his vocabulary is booming though - mama, dada, juice, ball, moon, jeep, no, door, dirt, go, yeah, uh oh, oh no, shh - sounds: woof woof, meow, moo, baa, elephant sound, horse sound, firetruck/ambulance, helicopter, toot toot (train) - i'm sure there are more, but those are the most common at this point.

i got my wallet and GPS stolen out of my car (doors locked, but windows cracked) at freaking Cosley Zoo in wheaton about two weeks ago. who does that?? well, some skinny white kid who went to the Northlake walmart and bought a fricking Wii on my dime, that's who. twist of the knife, with the Wii, by the way, since ben would love to have one... lesson learned, i suppose.

happy 4th of july weekend - hope everyone's having a great summer!!

a new hope?

2010-06-25T23:35:00.002-05:00

over the last week or so, i've been doing a lot of reading - mostly blogs and websites - but i've come across a glimmer of hope. i'm in the midst of changing my rheumatologist to an osteopathic doctor, investigating acupuncture for both RA & IF, and looking into my discovery - the field of reproductive immunology!

most doctors i've talked to don't really acknowledge a correlation between my medical history and my struggles with IF, but i cannot see how they are NOT related. between my RA and HS, reproductive immunology seems to be the next logical step. from what i've read, there are other immunological tests that can be done and different IVF protocols that can be used when there are abnormalities of the immune system.

From a number of websites (including inciid.org):

The indications for testing are:

1) Two miscarriages or two IVF or GIFT failures after age 35 or three miscarriages or IVF or GIFT failure before age 35 - i've only had two failed IVFs to date, but close enough.
2) Poor egg production from a stimulated cycle (less than 6 eggs) - ding, ding, ding - i'm the definition of a poor responder
3) One blighted ovum - n/a
4) Unexplained infertility - ding, ding, ding - again, i have no specific IF diagnosis.
5) Previous immune problems (ANA positive, rheumatoid arthritis, and/or lupus) - ding, ding, ding - RA folks.
5) Previous pregnancies that have shown retarded fetal growth - n/a
6) One living child and repeat miscarriages while attempting to have a second child - n/a

so 4 out of 6 - i think it's time for some immune testing.

now, i don't want to jump to conclusions. since noah was born, we've really only tried to conceive once, which was the failed IVF cycle. we'll try again this summer the old fashioned way, but because of the concern with the possibility of premature ovarian failure or reduced ovarian reserve, i don't want to put all my eggs in that basket - cue the snare and cymbal!

of course, with that said, i really think the IVF cycle failed because my RA flare. the more i read, the more i'm convinced. hopefully i'll get that in check quickly with the help of the OD and acu and maybe Humira, and then everything else will fall into place.

did i mention, i want another baby? --- on a side note, after a year full of bad news and sadness, a dear friend did get some amazing and miraculous news this week. i won't elaborate because i'm not sure who all reads this blog, but let's just say i still believe in miracles, and this time, without medical intervention! :)

my 100th post ... and what a post.

2010-06-21T22:51:00.002-05:00

so my follow up consult with fertility doctor (or RE, reproductive endocrinologist) was this morning, and i think i'm even more confused! i asked why it didn't work and he said it was likely due to poor quality embryos. i asked why the embryo quality was bad, and he said likely because of egg quality. i asked about the decision to do a day 5 rather than a day 3 (which we did with noah), and he said there were more embryos (than we'd ever had before) and they wanted to make sure to transfer the best. unfortunately, what looked good on day 3 looked bad on day 5 and at that point, we'd already "used" our cycle, so we had no choice but to transfer what we had. he said next time, he would strongly consider transferring 3 on day 3.

i asked about taking a few months off to regroup and get my RA in check, and he said a few months definitely wouldn't hurt, and getting my RA in check is huge. there is so little research on RA and fertility, but we did talk about a medication that he feels (based on the FDA rating) is safe to be on during IVF treatment and is known to be effective. i promptly made an appt with my rheumatologist after my RE appt - i see the new doctor on july 1st. :)

as for moving forward, he said we can go ahead on try on our own for the months we're off, and there's no need for additional testing or medications. when we're ready, we have one more IVF cycle covered by insurance - if we're lucky, we'll get some extra embryros to freeze. but here's the catch... (and my source of confustion)

we talked about donor eggs. i asked how to improve the quality of my eggs and/or embryos, and he said that i likely have a limited number of good quality eggs left and we might consider using a donor. despite having a reasonable FSH level (i think he said 4 point something), the quality is fleeting - not shocking to me since my mom went through early menopause, and maybe the RA and drugs over the years DID have an impact on my eggs... i asked about how that all works, and the costs, and he explained it is cheaper to use a known donor (which 20% of their patients who use donors do).

i have so many thoughts about donor eggs, and i can't wrap my head around the concept. just like years ago, i never though I would need to do IVF... i also never thought i'd need a donor. i'm only 31, for christ sake!

i've never even really given thought to using donor eggs or going the route of adoption, but now i'm in a weird spot. do we try our one more IVF cycle with my own eggs? do we get insurance to pay the majority and use a donor, only paying the donor costs? do we start saving for the possibility of fresh IVF #5 (or beyond - my eggs or donor) or more of a "sure thing" - consider adoption?

ugh. i was hoping for some guidance, but now i just have more questions.

i almost forgot how much infertility sucks. but at the end of the day, i keep reminding myself, thank god i have my precious little noey.

next steps

2010-06-18T23:32:00.003-05:00

well, i'm not pregnant. ivf 3 was a colossal failure. i somewhat feel like we wasted it. i don't know. it is what it is, i guess, and hopefully we'll get some guidance on monday when we have our follow up with the doctor.

i feel like we have to proceed with caution because our insurance only covers one more ivf cycle. one more. that's it, and after that - what? do we decide to remain a family of three, and continue to cherish noah as the most precious boy in our lives? is that so terrible? well no, and for a minute i thought i was okay with only having one child, but on second thought, i want to be selfish for myself and i want noah to have a sibling or siblings to grow old with and to have with him after ben and i are gone.

or maybe, we think about adoption, which i think is a very respectable and generous route, but has never really been in the forefront of my mind. it's never even really been in the back of my mind. again, i'm selfish. i want to be pregnant again. i want to try a vaginal delivery. i want to try to breast feed. i want my own biological child, and noah's biological sibling.

and while the process of adoption is length and stressful, it's almost more of a sure thing than scrounging up the money to pay for ivf #5 (or beyond) which is NOT a sure thing. i'm getting older. my eggs are getting older. i don't have the luxury of time.

but maybe i do. maybe we need to take a minute and see if things "changed" after my being pregnant and delivering noah. the doctor's like to say things can "change" after infertility. i don't really believe them. they also said my infertility is not linked to my medical history, which i also don't really believe...

i'm kind of numb right now, which is maybe good, but probably bad. i actually had a long conversation yesterday with my friend stacy about the fact that ivf #3 failed and that i wasn't sure what to do next. after losing her twins at 2- i just have to stop and say i kind of hate myself at this moment for just forgetting how many weeks stacy was...... she lost the twins at 23 weeks, and she is doing remarkably well. she is able to acknowledge the pain of the loss, and the reality that the end goal has not changed, but the path has. and still i feel selfish and watch my words when we talk, though we are dear friends and i know i don't have to, but i have noah, and she has two angels who she never got to know. BUT the point is, she is already talking about doing ivf #6 (with a frozen embryo) in the fall. she wants to understandably get passed her due date before doing so, which unfortunately happens to be the same day as her 31st birthday. happy fucking birthday.

i feel like i have so many questions for my doctor, but i can't get them all out of my head. it's all just swirling, and i keep thinking now is just not the time. maybe i need to get myself in a better place physically first and then it will happen. but like i said, my clock is ticking at like warp speed, and i don't know how much longer we can wait.

i need to make an appointment with my new rheumatologist. i got really motivated after news came of my negative pregnancy test, and finally decided to call and ask to switch doctors. i also decided i need to look into starting acupuncture and massage ASAP - i 100% plan on doing acu during my next ivf cycle, whenever that may be.

so - okay, that's enough from me for tonight, if any of that even made sense. i'm too tired to focus right now, and hopefully i'll have some clarity this weekend so ben and i can have a long convo about what to do and questions to ask. ultimately, i kind of think i have my mind (or my heart?) made up that we need to find a way to have another baby, if it means paying for ivf beyond what insurance covers. but god, i hope it doesn't have to come to that.

...with mixed emotions...

2010-05-31T14:14:00.003-05:00

God, as if the hormones haven't been enough of an emotional roller coaster in recent weeks, I hear MORE bad news. What. The. Fuck.

Saturday was one month since Stacy's sweet boys were born and died. I later learned that a friend of a friend lost her baby at 8.5 months gestation, the same week Stacy lost her boys. And it was the day before the girl's friggin birthday. I also learned that April 29th was the first birthday/anniversary of a similiar situation, in which the baby of a guy I went to high school with died in utero. April 29th was the day Stacy's boys came into and left this world.

Saturday was also the day that I learned that a dear friend's 16 week old son died from SIDS. Sam was a girl who I went through the IVF process with the first time around. Her son Caden was due the day after Noah, but her water broke at 29 weeks and he was born at 35 weeks. Sam went back to do IVF the spring after our boys were born, and on the first attempt became pregnant with twins. Will & Mason were born in February, and although I've never met Sam and her family (or any of the other girls on my iVillage IVF message boards), there is a unique bond between all of us. The news that Mason had passed away on Friday was as devastating to me as if it had happened to one of my dear IRL ("in real life") friends.

The sadness of losing a child, whether in-utero or in their first weeks or months of life, is just unimaginable. I can't imagine, nor do I even want to try to imagine what Sam and her husband (and their two remaining boys, and even the dog) are going through. I think I would rather die than go on living without Noah. Again with trying to understand WHY these things happen. WHY do good people have to suffer though so much pain?

And yet, I need to bury my current sadness and anger at the world, and focus on my own life and my own goals at this moment in our lives.

We are in the midst of IVF for "Baby K 2.0". My egg retrival was yesterday, and very successful. We retrieved 12 eggs, 9 of which were mature, and 6 of which fertilized. Looking back on IVF#1 (Oct 07), I had 6 eggs, 2 were mature, and 2 were fertilized and transferred. IVF#2 (Jan 08 resulting in Noah) retrieved 5 eggs, and just 1 was fertilized and transferred. There is no guarantee that all 6 will continue to thrive, but our hope is that the majority do so we can have a few embryos to freeze and keep as a back-up plan. We are feeling very optimistic about this cycle, and fortunately, Noah has been a happy distraction.

I just hope the bad news and negative karma can cease and desist for a while so that more good and happy news can take the reigns for awhile....

a quick thought...

2010-05-28T16:11:00.003-05:00

i was very a very active blogger when i was pregnant with noah, and i'm a very very bad blogger now. i'm also bad at photo albums, the baby book, my journal, and these types of things. don't even THINK about using my name and scrapbooking in the same sentence...

anyways, i was just thinking about how focused i was on everything TTC and baby back then, and how distracted and busy i am these days!

i've been keeping it on the DL, but IVF to make Noah a big brother is underway. Just keep us in your thought and send all the positive vibes you can spare. We're hoping for a quick and easy road, and that my RA will go into remission again during another pregnancy as it did with Noah. I'm having a LOT of joint problems (pain, swelling, stiffness, etc.) with the hormone protocol this go-round, and i'm hoping the end of the pain is in sight. it's been an emotional couple of months with everything my dear friend went through, but i have an amazing support system with my family and co-workers and their support makes a world of difference.

stacy

2010-04-29T23:16:00.002-05:00

this morning, stacy's husband sent me a message on facebook saying that stacy would give birth to the twins today. they removed the cerclage, and stopped the medications. at 8:30am she had dialated to 2cm, and the doctor's said the boys would not live more than a few hours.

at 11:15, stacy texted me that she would be induced shortly, and once born, the boys would receive "comfort care". she was not sure whether they would see the boys or not.

i am so at a loss for words today. i am sick, sad, angry and just all around devastated by what my dear friend is going through today. and i have a million and one questions, none of which i can get answers to, and the answers to which probably don't matter.

i try to imagine myself in stacy's shoes. what would i do? would i beg the doctors to save my babies, or would i have to rationalize quality of life? i am quite pro-choice, but when the woman deciding is me, i don't know what i would do. i've always struggled with my stance on viability vs quality of life, perhaps because of the job i do, or because of the desparation to be a parent that i experience through my journey with infertility.

i am sick and angry thinking about how unfair the situation is. how so many people conceive without a second thought, or have children that they don't want or are unable to care for. how people say "it's in god's hands" or "god has a plan" and that's somehow supposed to make you feel better. if god has a plan, it's a pretty fucked up one, and i'd like to tell him to his face that he sucks.

i can kind of equate the surreal-ness of what i'm feeling today to a couple things, neither of which are truly comparable. one instance that comes to mind, and was moreso how i felt when this started with stacy three weeks ago, is when my dear friend anne had a stroke a year ago at 29 years old and it knocked myself and my coworkers off our feet. the other thing, which i know sound completely irrational, is to how i felt on september 11th. i know that's insane to say, but it's been a completely sick feeling, and hypotheticals and images keep running through my head. i feel almost like i'm having an out of body experience, and this isn't my life. maybe it's a bad dream, and we'll all wake up. and this isn't even about me.

this is stacy and doug's reality and i hope upon hope that they can survive this experience, and in some bizarre way, grow from it. there is the tiniest glimmer of hope in the back of my mind, because i don't know if the decision for "comfort care" was their choice or their doctors. i keep wondering if the boys will be bigger or better developed than everyone expects. what if they are fighters and stacy and doug look at them and beg the doctors to save them? should they? could they?

it's 11:30 at night. 12 hours after stacy texted she was being induced. have they been born? has stacy seen and held her babies? are they in NICU having drastic measures taken? when will i hear something? what do i say? what do i DO when stacy texts, calls, or i see her next? how the hell can she ever come back to working at a place where we work with babies and children everyday, many of whom are preemies? will she try again to have more children?

i want to do something, anything to make stacy feel better. i want to know what to say when i see her. i want to imagine that a miracle has happened.

but still i fear the worst. and if this is the case, i wish only for it to be a swift and peaceful process.

i always say that i believe that things happen for a reason, but i cannot bring myself to find any reason in this.

numb

2010-04-28T22:33:00.003-05:00

i am at a loss for words right now. my dear friend and coworker is 23 weeks pregnant today, and i learned just a few hours ago that her water broke earlier today.

23 weeks is just far too early for any baby. but stacy is pregnant with twin boys, once of which has been diagnosed with a severe heart defect called hyperplastic left heart syndrome. stacy underwent five rounds of in-vitro and when to hell and back to become pregnant with these boys. and now she might lose them both.

i'm so sick about this. i know only to an extent what stacy had to go through, and i know first hand the desparation of infertility and IVF, the self blame, the guilt, and the emotional toll it can take.

i don't discount anyone's love for their child, but there is something very unique about the way one feels about the child or children they struggled so hard for. stacy and i talked about this shortly before she was put on bedrest. it's really hard to put into words, and i know that sounds unfair to those of you who have babies that did not have infertility - so please forgive my inability to express it. it's just that when pregnancy comes easily, you don't have to go though the months or years of self blame, anguish, and guilt, anger, sadness, and desparation...... after two (plus) years of struggling, stacy's pregnancy seemed like a miracle, and although she is not an emotional person, i know she is madly in love with those boys.

i often say that i know that noah was the baby i was meant to have. i could have been pregnant however many times in the months leading up to becoming pregnant, but the baby i had would not have been my sweet noey. when someone's in the midst of IVF or other treatments, it's really hard to wrap your brain around that idea, but i was talking with another coworker who experience multiple miscarriages, and now that her little girl is a few months old, she acknowleges the same concept. i think stacy was coming to understand our feelings on the topic, but now - - -

is it really better to, as they say, have loved and lost?

why is it that people's resillience is continually tested? why do "strong" people have to continue to be "strong"? when does stacy just catch a fucking break?

the last few months...

2010-03-20T11:12:00.004-05:00

Mid-November

Surgery - 12/11/09

Meeting Santa - 12/17/09

Late-December

Mid-January

Sedona, AZ - 2/12/10

Amanda & Robert's Wedding - 2/13/10

That's not Noah! Love this picture of my nephew Grant - he's 5 1/2 months here!

17 months

2010-03-19T23:48:00.002-05:00

I'm so amazed every day by Noah and how freaking cool he is. At 17 months old, he has become such a cool little person. He understands so many things. He can identify all kinds of body parts, people, clothing, toys, vehicles... He thinks it's hilarious to point at mommy, then daddy, then mommy, then daddy, and then swing his arm back and forth while we try to keep up mommydaddymommydaddymommydaddy...

He has finally started making some progress with food! It's taken FOR-EVVVVERRRR, but he is finally feeding himself some snacks, including pieces of fruit, yogurt puffs, and cheese. He's still not really interested in trying anything crunchy or hard, but likes to try to feed himself with the spoon and to stab food with his fork. He LOVES yogurt, applesauce, and pudding, but don't dare mention them OR juice if you want him to eat his main course first! We've done away with baby foods all together. No more baby cereal - he's moved onto regular oatmeal. No more jars - now we eat lots of pasta. Spaghettios, ravioli, mac & cheese, beefaroni... We discovered he likes bleu cheese dressing after I tried to get him to dip his veggies in it, but instead leaned forward and started licking his tray. We had a family dinner for St. Patrick's day, and Noah shared in it, having potatoes and carrots with a teeny bit of corned beef. He had it with salt and sour cream, which he reallllly liked!

I can't wait for spring! The last few days have been in the 60s and SUCH a tease!! Noah has spent a lot of time outside with grandma and grandpa during the day, and I even got out of work early on Wednesday and took him to the park! I'm looking into getting some kind of swing set or playground type thing for the yard, because I have a feeling we're going to be spending a LOT of time outside this summer!

jumping those hurdles

2010-01-06T22:59:00.004-06:00

slowly but surely, noah is growing up.

i'm so SO behind in blogging - BAD BLOGGER!! - but i want to get a few things down before i forget.

the friday before xmas, noah's first molar broke though. he never seems horribly bothered by his teeth coming in, thankfully. i'm also not above giving him tylenol to make him more comfortable...

on xmas eve, we were having dinner at the koechling's and i gave noah a green olive (sans pimento) just to see what he'd do with it, and he ATE IT! well, not really. he ripped it apart, put the small pieces in his mouth, chewed them, and spit them out. but it's definite progress!

xmas was so fun. noah really got into it, and was all about opening presents. his presents, grant's presents, my presents... he didn't discriminate! santa brought a kid laptop, some puzzles, fridge phonics, and a sled. noah was definitely on the *good* list.

on new years day, noah - started - WALKING!!!! he's still inconsistent and does it only on his terms, but he can and will do it when he wants! that morning, he and i were watching the Rose Parade (which he *loved*) and during the parade he took three steps from near the coffee table to the couch, which he'd sort of done before. usually two step from table to couch, and a dramatic flop face first into the couch... (his VERY first indepdendent steps came when he took two steps while we were in AZ.) but anyways, i was at the mall and got a text from my mom: "noah just took 6 steps". and another: "took another 9". i hurriedly finished up my errands and went home, and lo-and-behold, he did it for me! he was so so proud of himself, especially given my reaction!! we try to practice every day and i'm hoping that by the time we go to arizona on feb 8th, he'd been pretty stable on his feet.

noah's fully recovered from surgery - had a follow up with the ENT last weekend, and he told me i could pick the scab off noah's neck. ew! and okay! (i started but then stopped myself...)

over the weekend, we took noah for his first haircut. we both just decided he was starting to look pretty raggedy. serious borderline mullet was happening, and he was starting to look kind of like a hobo. we went to a local chain place called kidsnips where they specialize in cutting kids' hair. noah loved all the colors on the walls, the toys, the kids, the mirror, the taxi cab seat he sat in during his haircut, the elmo video he got to watch during his haircut... he looks like such a big kid now. it's crazy how a haircut can change him so much. just looks so grown up. :)

last night, i gave him a piece of muenster cheese, and just like the olive on xmas eve, he tore it up, put the pieces in his mouth, chewed, and spit... again - progress. i'll take what i can get at this point...

in general, he's just talking a lot more and understanding even more than that! still no real words (beyond maybe mama and dada - and maybe look?), but lots of babbling and always making noises and silly faces. he FINALLY has started letting me brush his teeth (as of about a week ago), and tonight i said "noah, say ah!" - he opened wide and said ah. i said "noah, show me your teeth - say eee!" he smiled a toothy smile and scrunched his eyes the way i had demonstrated. when i started laughing, he crunched his eyes all the way shut and started chuckling. he and i crack each other up every night while he's getting ready for bed. he's so tickling and loves it! he just laughs and laughs... ah, the coolest kid ever!! pictures soon!

what can i say? i'm a crier.

2009-12-15T00:09:00.003-06:00

for sure. i'm not feeling especially emotional about anything in particular, but recently - dang! i need to stop reading sad stories and drowning my non-existance sorrows!

last night i was reading the blog of the wife of a guy i went to high school with (i'm a facebook stalker) - and i learned that she miscarried at 37 weeks. oh my god. she just stopped feeling the baby moving, they couldn't find a heart beat, and that was it. c-section delivery of a still-born, full-term baby. i was sobbing reading the blog and looking the photos of the couple with the baby girl they would never know. ugh.

tonight, reading the blog of the mom of a girl who suffered a brain injury in a car accident, and just recently came out of a coma. (this girl is a HS friend of my co-worker.) amazing to read about her progress, but so sad, because she was to be married this past saturday...

just read about the newest baby duggar, born last thursday, at 1 lb, 6oz. breaks my heart, because that baby is bound to have some serious developmental problems, and i've long felt the duggars were pressing their luck with so many kids and continuing to have kids into her 40s, when the odds of complications go up.

noah had surgery last friday - it went so well, and he has been amazing. the doctor said the cyst was larger than he'd anticipated but that it was most certainly benign (though it was still sent for testing). i don't miss the nub the way i thought i would - thinking about it makes me a little sad, but tonight at dinner, noah reached for it, and it did hurt my heart. i leaned toward him and he threw his arms around my neck, and i told him that i loved him with or without the nub, and that i knew he would have been a strong enough, confident enough boy to live with it, but that it would hurt mommy if kids said mean things because he looked a little different. i told him that someday he would understand.

i get emotional about commercials and tv shows (like - ones i probably shouldn't cry at). i get emotional about other peoples struggles and pain - if one more friend has to go through dealing with fertility issues, i'm going to go crazy on somebody. who? totally not sure, but seriously? WTF. and then a coworker (who's a lesbian) told me she and her GF of forever wanted to do international adoption, but basically no one will adopt to a same sex couple anymore. what the hell is the world coming to?

vent over. :) happy holidays!!!

(it's late and i'm over worked and sleep deprived of late... at least that's my excuse.)

vacation and surgery for noah

2009-11-21T12:24:00.004-06:00

There's been a lot going on lately. Our office moved at the end of October, so it's been a crazy month at the CFC. I think I've adjusted to life in a cubicle, but the holidays are always a little hectic because scheduling meetings can be a challenge... I've been insanely busy for the last two weeks, but hopefully will be slowing down as we get closer to Christmas.

Noah and I are flying to Arizona on December 2nd for a long weekend visiting Amanda, Robert, and the kids. I'm looking so forward to seeing them and getting a break from the craziness of work! I know I'm very spoiled that I'm able to take as many vacations as we do, but I think you have to get away occasionally for your sanity!! It will be a challenge traveling alone with Noah. I'm trying not to think too much about it yet, because I know I'm going to be freaking out when I start preparing to go and when reality sets in when I'm getting on the plane.... wish me luck!!

The other big event on the horizon is surgery for Noah, another thing I'm not to think too much about for now, as it's still a few weeks off... Noah has had this lump on the back of his head since July. Initially, we thought it was a pimple, ingrown hair, or maybe a mole. The pediatrician didn't really know what it was either, and initially, it had a head and bled a little bit, so we did a round of antibiotics, and it seemed to get a bit better. Then we treated it with warm compresses and neosporin. It didn't seem to improve much, and then started to get bigger. At our 12 month check up, the doctor suggested we see an ENT and see what he had to say.

A few weeks ago we saw the ENT, and right away he knew what it was and said we would need to do surgery to remove it. "It" is called a pilomatrixoma, which is basically a benign cyst or tumor in the hair follicle. (At least that's how I understand it.) We talked with the ped and amongst ourselves, and decided to go ahead with surgery. If we don't, it could become infected, and in the very slight chance it is not benign, we could never forgive ourselves if we didn't act now. (The chance of it being malignant is something like 2%, and we're told that the majority of these tumors will not grow back.) Once they remove it, they'll run tests to confirm it is benign and in fact a pilomatrixoma. The ENT will also remove the skin tag (aka. "the nub") on Noah's ear at the same time. I'm very sad about this, but I know it's in Noah's best interest for the future. At least that's what I'm telling myself... I know it may seem silly, but it's a part of him, and I'll be sad when part of him is gone. :(

On a happier note, Noah has a lot of new "tricks" lately. When asked "where's the balloon?" and "where's the light?", he looks at both. He loves to dance, and when he's not too tired, he'll start bouncing when we say "can you dance, Noah?". When I ask him, "where's mama's belly button?", he'll put up my shirt and poke his finger in my belly button. He's babbling a lot more these days, and is more frequently imitating what we say. The other day he imitated a tune Ben was humming, and this morning he imitated some silly sounds and "words" I was making. He's so awesome!

i am the mommy of a one year old!!

2009-10-18T20:28:00.003-05:00

it seems kind of cliched to say the year went by so fast. everybody seems to say that when their little one turns the big numero uno!

some days it feels like noah's been a part of our family forever, and it's hard to remember life before baby. but truthfully, this year has gone by so quickly. it's been a busy year, for sure, but it's been the most amazing ride.

i've learned so much about what i'm capable of. i've learned what it feels like to be so proud that it feels as though your heart might burst our of your chest. i've also learned the pain of a mother's guilt and how easy self-blame can be.

ultimately, i've learned that being a parent is a lot of work. i can hear all of my fellow parents saying "duh", and my friend's who are not yet parents echoing "duh", but not fully grasping the gravity...

there is something truthfully indescribably about knowing the everything you do - every action, every word, every single thing - is likely shaping your child into the person he will become. that's a freaking amazing and incredible thing. it also scares the shit out of me.

my life has changed in the most amazing ways over the last few years. i went through two years of utter hell, and i wish that no one ever had to endure the kind of emotional and mental anguish that infertility causes. but like i told a dear friend who recently underwent her 4th IVF cycle: i would do it all again in a heartbeat if i knew that out the pain would come the most amazing being that i could have ever wished for. i waited two long, horrible years, but the end result was my precious boy, and if i had to go back, i wouldn't change a thing because now i'm noah's mommy, and for that i will be forever grateful.

Welcome to the world cousin Grant, and other updates on us...

2009-10-11T17:14:00.007-05:00

I've been a bad, bad blogger, and my goal for the coming year (since year two for Noah starts this week), is to blog on a weekly or bi-weekly basis...

First and foremost, we want to welcome baby Grant to the world!! He came into the world late on Saturday, September 19th after his mommy's water broke at BuyBuyBaby. Needless to say, that shopping trip was cut short...

9/19/09 11:34pm, 7lb 3oz, 19in (I think - my memory sucks...)
A couple of weeks ago, we went apple picking with Julie, Scott, & Grant, and our friends Amy and Mike and their little girl, Anna. It was a gorgeous day, and we all had a great time.

Last weekend was SUPER busy with TWO out of town weddings, if you can believe that!? We headed out I-88 to my cousin Laura's wedding near Dixon, IL, and from there kept driving west to my dear friend, Kari's wedding in Rock Island, IL. It was a long day, but we were so happy we were able to make it to both weddings. We're so happy for both sets of newlyweds!

The fam at Laura's wedding

Noah and Mommy at Kari's wedding
This Thursday is Noah's first birthday! We are so super excited, and on Sunday, we're having a HUGE party, with all of our family and friends! It's going to be so much fun!

Embry- uh oh!

2009-09-06T11:48:00.003-05:00

Noah is changing all the time, and I wish I were better about blogging more regularly so I could keep you all up-to-date on the latest with him!! I told my sister (who's due in less than three weeks!) that I sort of regret not documenting all the little milestones better. You know, first smile, laugh, etc. I feel like I can ballpark those things, but looking back I just wish I would have jotted down something like "Today I think Noah smiled for the first time". We've documented everything in pictures though, so at least I have a generally reference point...

Noah has exploded with his gross motor skills!! He's like a different kid. After being so worried about this area of his development for so long, he's finally taking off! He started getting himself into sitting while we were on vacation. He crawls so fast when he's motivated to get something, like a cat or a favorite toy. He probably started getting really good at it about 2-3 weeks ago (see, again with not really having a precise date...) - I know it was right after our vacation, so probably the 2nd or 3rd week of August.

He started pulling up in the crib awhile ago, probably the end of July, and now that he's really good with crawling, he's pulling up on the coffee table. We put the padding on the outside half of the table (that's not along the couches) a few weeks ago, and he loves to pull up, squat down, pull up, squat down... He's even starting to cruise a little bit. :)

A few weeks ago (maybe mid-August), he started stepping while he was standing at the table or in the crib, and in the last week or so, he's walking with his hands held! It's crazy to think he's going to be walking in the next few months - where has the time gone!

Yesterday, tooth number 8 finally broke through! Now he has 4 on top and 4 on bottom, and none except the first two really gave us any trouble. Thank goodness for that!

So now that his gross motor skills are well on their way, my newest concern (because I'm neurotic, apparently) is feeding, hence the title of this post.

Noah DOES NOT like anything solid or chunky. Stage 3s are a no-go - he spits out anything solid, such as pasta or veggie pieces. Typical baby finger foods - such as Gerber puffs, wagon wheels, yogurt melts, crackers, cookies, cheerios, etc - go straight on the floor. Table foods - fruits, veggies, chicken, pasta - also go straight on the floor. Early in the process (like around 7-8 mo) he would put a cracker or cheerio to his mouth. He even bit off pieces of a Ritz cracker, but twice he "choked" on a cheerio, and I don't know if maybe that turned him off to food.

I told Noah that I don't know how he can be mommy and daddy's baby if he doesn't like to eat food. Mommy and Daddy LOVE to eat food. That when I told him that maybe the doctor mixed up the embryos, and daddy said "Embry- uh oh!". Obviously, Noah is our combined mini-me, so there's just the little matter of figuring out how the hell to get this kid to eat!

So many people have said "maybe he's just not hungry". Oh. my. god. That to me is like when people used to say "it'll happen" when we were trying to get pregnant. It's condescending. Trust me, I've tried every trick I can think of, PLUS I've been chatting with a speech therapist who's given me MORE ideas. I'm hoping maybe the dropping things is a phase. I mean, I know it is, but he can drop toys until the end of time, just PLEASE stop dropping the food!!! I don't even care about the mess. I just want him to bite into something and realize, "oh my god, this is so delicious!" I keep telling him he'll like it, and when has mommy ever lied to you??

Noey at 10 months

2009-08-18T23:15:00.003-05:00

it has been SUCH a hectic summer, and i apologize to my loyal readers who have probably wondering why the hiatus!!! everything's just fine, just SUPER busy!!!

i spent most of the summer keeping busy with ball games, concerts, pre-wedding and wedding festivities, baby shower planning, and vacation (thankfully), not to mention trying to keep up with a busy baby!

noah turned 10 months on saturday, and now that julie's baby shower is said and done, i'm starting to think about planning noah's birthday party!! we're tossing around ideas for themes, talking about cakes, and getting excited (on his behalf, of course).

noah's still not *officially* crawling, but he definitely gets around. when he's motivated, he will get on all fours and move forward, but usually it's more of a butt-pivot sort of thing... he started getting himself into sitting about two weeks ago. we were on vacation, and woke up to him on his butt in the pack and play. we were in shock!! it's so funny to watch him do it, because most times he puts his head on the floor for leverage...

he has six of the cutest teeth i've ever seen - four on top, two on bottom - and he loves to show them off by doing what we call his "crunchy" face, where he scrunches up his nose, squints his eyes, and gives a big ole sh*t eating grin... he's super ticklish and his little chuckle makes he laugh so hard i cry every time. he's SUCH a ham!

my biggest stressor right now is feeding. he eats stage 2s like a champ. we feed him mainly earth's best, with the occasional gerber organics, and the rare regular gerber (for flavor variations). he eats cereal begrudgingly - usually EB oatmeal or mixed grains with stage 2 fruit and/or yogurt mixed it. he usually gags and spits out the first bite but is okay from there. he seems to have a thing with pasta in the stage 3s. he eats the fruits no problem but the meals (pasta primavera and lasagne for example) don't go over so well. he is getting good at filtering the stuff he doesn't like, and spitting out just the chunks... finger foods are a huge issue too. he won't even attempt to put things in his mouth when he's in the highchair. he just picks them up, looks at them, leans over, and drops them on the floor... twice, he's "accidentally" put a cheerio in his mouth and not been able to push it right back out, so he's gagged to the point of throwing up. i've been chatting up one of my speech therapists, but i'm getting nervous that it's a sensory issue... (which is just me being a paranoid early interventionist...)

health wise, things are good. we go back to both the neurosurgeon and hematologist on 9/10. the neuro ordered another head u/s to monitor his head growth and the fluid and the hemo is going to run some tests to *officially* diagnose him with my blood disorder (hereditary spherocytosis, or HS) that caused his jaundice at birth and severe anemia that resulted in a transfusion at one month. he in on antibiotics right now because he had a pimple or something (not sure) on the back of his head that got infected and developed an absess. i thought it was a zit or ingrown hair, and when it didn't get better, i thought maybe a mole. when it kept getting harder and darker, i decided to take him to the ped. she said if it's not better by friday, to bring him back and they'd have to open it to drain it. yuck.

i'll try to post some more pictures soon- i have SOOO many good ones from the summer and from vacation- but for now, he's just one from our Piatt Lake vaca two weeks ago.

hope everyone had and continues to have a great summer!!

Getting on my soapbox for a minute

2009-06-21T11:23:00.003-05:00

A few things that you need to care about...

**HEALTH CARE REFORM - contact your senators and representatives and encourage them to support health care for all Americans.

-Sign a petition: http://ga3.org/campaign/healthpetition?source=hc_durbin

-The Arthritis Foundation's stance: http://www.arthritis.org/health-care-reform.php

**THE FAMILY CORD BLOOD BANKING ACT - this would allow the costs for cord blood banking to be paid using pre-tax health savings plans

-House Bill 1718: http://www.viacord.com/Collateral/Documents/Viacord-English-US/hr_1718.pdf

-Sample letter to send your state rep: http://www.viacord.com/sample-email-hr-1718.htm

-Find your state representative: https://writerep.house.gov/writerep/welcome.shtml

**SUPPORT ILLINOIS SOCIAL SERVICE PROGRAMS

The Illinois state buget is out of control, but to solve the problem the people we voted to send to Springfield are talking about cutting funding to programs that provide services and housing for people with developmental disabilities and the mentally ill. They will cut child care subsidies that allow parents to go to school and/or work. Cuts will be made in funding for Early Childhood (3-5 year old) programs and at-risk programing. There will be cuts in the number of Department of Human Services offices and DCFS caseworkers (making their caseloads go from 15 to 50). Teen pregnancy prevention services will be cut. Services for seniors and veterans will be cut.

Illinoisians MUST contact Governor Quinn and your local legislators to let them know you WILL NOT SUPPORT CUTS TO SOCIAL SERVICE PROGRAMS. It is our duty as Americans to take care of our fellow Americans. We must support those who are too young, too old, or too ill to care for themselves. We must support working parents and people who are trying to better themselves. We must not take what we have for granted.

-Email Governor Quinn: http://www.illinois.gov/gov/contactthegovernor.cfm

-Email your state legislator: https://secure2.convio.net/opf/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=190

Don't be ignorant. Get educated!!

Summer = CRAZY busy

2009-06-21T10:39:00.003-05:00

How do you know that summer has arrived??? It's when your weekends are booked through August!!! Oh my god, summer was busy enough without a baby, but now my load seems to have doubled! Things that I would feel the pressure on it the past are even more burdensome now that you add Noah on top of it.

SOOO many things going on this summer, including Marilyn's bachelorette party, Laura's bridal shower, 4th of July/anniversary weekend, Cubs games, DMB at Alpine, Amanda in town, Mar & Chris's wedding, VACATION, Julie's baby shower, Julie's BABY, Laura's wedding, Kari's wedding, Noah's birthday party ... There's something every single weekend into August, and then the baby coming in September, and then a busy October. And that's not to even mention work and helping start up the Music & Developmental Therapy program at the American Music Institute... It never ends!!

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As for Noah, he *finally* started swimming yesterday, and Noah loved the water! Not that I was at all surprised - he loves playing in the bathtub. We eased into it, by first getting his feet wet and then sitting together in the shallowest part of the pool. Then we went all the way in and he loved floating! We splashed and sang songs. Toward the end of class, he was getting really tired, so we actually wound up leaving a few minutes early.

Noah has been working on his top teeth for awhile, and one finally popped through two days ago. The top middle two are working their way out too. He's doing okay, and baby tylenol DEFINITELY helps.

Noah has started trying to pull up in his crib. I'll sit him in there to put away laundry or get stuff ready for bedtime, and he'll scoot to the side of the crib to chew on the top rail and will pull onto his knees. Once we lower the mattress, I think he'll be able to pull all the way to his feet.

He's still not interested in crawling and still hates being on his tummy. He'll play on his tummy for a minute, but ultimately rolls over to his back. He spends most of his time playing in sitting though, and is really good at reaching for toys.

We're still working on sippy cups and table foods. It's going to take sometime, but he's getting better. He loves the pureed jar foods (stage 2 - we use Earth's Best), and actually put a Ritz cracker in his mouth the other day, but anything else, he's not interested. He's doing okay with the sippy cup - he'll bring it to his mouth but is inconsistent about tipping it.

Just the thought of dieting is hard...

2009-06-10T22:19:00.003-05:00

I'm not the most motivated person with regard to diet and exercise. My home life revolves around Noah and maybe I am just making excuses, but my free time is very limited. Since I have to work, my time with Noah during the week is precious, and by the time he's in bed, it's time for dinner, and exercise is the furthest thing from my mind.

I got a reality check a week or so ago, when I had a follow up appointment with the rheumatologist for the first time since one week post-partum. I stepped on the scale and it said 157. 157. I've completely stagnated and on top of that, I've gained a few pounds since I stopped pumping. UGH. I think I got so used to eating everything I wanted during my pregnancy and while I was pumping, and now it's time to reel it back in and re-learn better eating habits.

I've gotten back into going to yoga one night a week, but that's not going to do the trick. Noah and I start his swim class this week, and hopefully now that the weather's nicer, we'll get out for walks more. The main thing is that I need to eat better - less crap and smaller portions. My goal is to get to 140 which is what I weighed pre-fertility treatment when we went to Europe in 2006. We shall see...

Hello my name is Mindy...

2009-05-23T10:39:00.003-05:00

...and I'm a caffeine addict. :(

When I was in college, I was SUPER addicted to Pepsi. I can't tell you how many I'd have per day. It was embarrassing. Right before I got married, I switched to Diet Pepsi, and still had probably 6-8 a day. SO, when we started trying to get pregnant, I realize I had to kick my caffeine addiction. Addiction is totally the word because I would get headaches when I didn't have it. A can of pop would knock it right out and I'd be on with my day.

I went cold turkey, and within a week, no more headaches. I switched to caffeine-free Diet Pepsi, as I still had a soda addiction and couldn't give it up COMPLETELY.

So fast forward to the birth of baby Noah. Before Noah, I enjoyed my caffeine free pop and decaf White Chocolate Mochas or frappucinos at Starbucks, and the *occasional* caffeine spiked beverage. But once he was here and we were getting 2, 3, maybe 4 hours of sleep at night, I became a regular morning coffee drinker. I would feed the baby while Ben made the morning brew before leaving for work. I became dependent on that morning coffee, and on the days I didn't get it (and even sometimes when I did), Noah and I would take a trip to Target to shop and hit the Starbucks... (By the way, Target carts *really* need cup holders...)

Again, fast forward to the present. I've been back to work and the daily grind for awhile. Most mornings, Ben makes coffee but if he doesn't or if I need to leave before he makes coffee, I find myself NEEDING it. I was going the grande route for awhile, but now I need a venti for it to do the trick! UGH!

On the upswing, my addiciton now is different than three years ago. I don't get the headaches, and I don't need it throughout the day. I still only drink caffeine free pop, unless of course I'm out and can't get it. But anyways, the moral of this story is that my maternity leave caused a readdiction to caffeine...

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On the Noah front, his cold has finally subsided. Still the occasional cough or sneeze, but we did go to the doctor on Monday and he confirmed it was just a cold - no ear or sinus infection, thank goodness. We ran the humidifier and propped up the mattress and it seemed to do the trick.

Noah LOVES being outside. Now that the weather's nice, I'm so excited to get out more with him for walking and outings. I got home early from work yesterday and took him for a long walk and then we played in the grass while waiting for daddy to come home.

Speaking of daddy, his 33rd birthday was this week. We had a low key day, but will probably do something fun to celebrate on this LONG weekend. Yay for Memorial Day - I get a three-day weekend AND get to spend two of those days with both my boys!

We are going to go look at flooring this weekend. We got a quote for labor to put hardwood in our main level of the house (through the kitchen, dining room, living room, and entryway). Now we just need to get the flooring and rip up the carpet and we'll be good to go! The house has been in royal disarray since Ben painted back in mid-April, so I'm eager to get the new floors in and get things back to normal around here!! It's going to be beautiful when it's done... but until then...

Check out this video of Noah. He's teething pretty bad, and I think his goofy tongue made it feel better... I don't really know because there's no rhyme or reason to when he does this...

It cracks me up every time!!

Happy 7 months Noah!!

2009-05-15T23:08:00.005-05:00

It is incredible how time flies!! I can't believe my little man is seven months old already! Sometimes it feels like yesterday he was born, and other days it feels like he's been with us forever!!

May is already half over, and it's been quite a busy month for us!

Since around the beginning of the month, Noah has taken to rolling onto his tummy to sleep, and usually there are no problems. However, one morning (I think Weds the 6th), he woke up with his eye almost completely swollen shut. I wish I had a picture of it, because he just looked so pitiful! It wasn't bothering him at all, and definitely improved as the morning wore on, but just to be safe I called the doctor. Turns out it was nothing. The doctor that it was probably a collection of fluid from sleeping on his face, and it was nothing to be concerned about. Later that day, we also had a follow up head ultrasound. It went well, and the doctor called later that day and said everything pretty much looks the same.

Last week, Ben, Noah, and I went down to Bloomington for two days for Katie's regional softball tournament. Noah did so good in the car, at the hotel, and at the ball park. It was on this trip that we started the transition to formula. Now he gets two formula bottles and two breast milk bottles per day, and he's doing great with that. On top of that, we've moved on to Stage 2 baby foods, and he loves everything so far! He enjoys mealtimes so much, I can't feed him fast enough.

Daddy & Noah at Katie's game
Anyways, the weather was great for the first day of the tournament. We sat right in front of the press box, so we were totally in the shade the entire day. The second day was overcast, and we sat in the same spot. I guess I thought we'd be "shaded" again, even though there was no sun. WRONG. Poor Noah got his first sunburn, which left mommy feeling BEYOND guilty. That Friday night back at home, he had a mild fever and slept *terribly*. He woke up in the middle of the night (very unlike him) and just seemed so uncomfortable. I gave him a bottle of water to help rehydrate, and he fell back to sleep, poor baby.

Sunday was my first Mother's Day, and I truly could not have asked for a better day!! First of all, mommy got to sleep in a bit, and while I showered, Ben got Noah ready for the day. We had breakfast with my mom & Jeff, and Julie & Scott, and it was worth the 45 minute wait. Delicious. After breakfast, Ben & I went home to feed Noah and from there headed out to enjoy the beautiful weather. We first went to Cosley's and saw all the animals. There were some brand new baby goats (like a week old) that I think Noah enjoyed watching... they were about his size. I had told Ben that all I wanted for Mother's Day were photos of Noah and I together, so after Cosley's, we went to Adams Park for a "photo shoot". I am SO happy with how the pictures turned out. I can't wait for Ben to edit them so I can post some and have prints made.

After the photo shoot, Ben took me to Dairy Queen (yum!), and we headed home so Noah could finally get a good nap. Ben & Noah got mommy some pretty plants with pink flowers (azaleas? I can't remember now), and Ben has since planted them in the yard, continuing the "fence" of shrubs. Pictures to come!

Once Noah woke up, we all headed to dinner at Ted's Montana Grill, and it was fantastic. I had an amazing cocktail, awesome Cobb salad with a Crab cake on top, and a delicious dessert. After we got home and got Noah to bed, Ben gave me a massage to cap a great day. I'm such a lucky girl!!

Monday night, baby Noah came down with his first cold, hacking cough, runny nose and all... I openly blame my sister, who was coughing all over and blowing in his face on Mother's Day. Monday night was rough. He woke up three times, and we could just tell he was out-of-sorts. He couldn't breathe and sounded like he was snoring all night. I contemplated calling the doctor, but decided to wait it out. It's been a few days now, and while he's still coughing and boogery, it has gotten MUCH better. Throughout the course of it (with the exception of the first night), he's been his pretty happy-go-lucky, typical self, so I'm not too worried. I do find it interesting that just days after cutting his breastmilk intake in half, he gets his very first cold... coincidence or correlation????

Noah has finally started sitting independently! I can even walk away for a few minutes and he'll just be chilling, playing with his toys. Here's a picture from Steph's graduation party at the beginning of the month.

The luckiest.

2009-04-28T22:08:00.004-05:00

It just came to my attention that it's National Infertility Awareness Week. Happy NIA week...? Sort of an oxymoron, but whatever.

Today I had an intake meeting for a newborn with down syndrome. After three years of trying and five IVF cycles, they get a child with down syndrome, heart defects, and an assortment of other issues. Something about their situation just really struck a cord with me. I've worked with other families who've discussed their IVF experiences - and I generally share mine with them when it comes up - but none have had children with such extensive special needs.

My heart broke for them. They tried so hard for so long. One woman had three unsuccessful cycles, and the other woman had one unsucessful cycle and one successful. If you can call it that...

I left the meeting feeling glad that the mom seemed to be coping well. It sounded like they have a really great support system. I also left the meeting wanting to hug my little boy. We've had our own "issues" to deal with, but today's meeting put things in perspective for me.

I always feel kid of bad acting like my situation is special or more important than other peoples, but there is sort of a sense of entitlement from having gone through infertility treatment. We feel like our bodies have failed us, but if medicine can make things happen, then so be it. But what happens when medicine fails too? Life isn't fair, sure, but that is REALLY not fair. Plus, to top it off, people are cruel, so you can imagine what people might say about a lesbian couple with a son with down syndrome...

Am I making sense?... SIGH.

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I cuddled Noah extra special tonight. His skin and hair are so soft, and he smells so good. I love feeling the warmth of his body and hearing his breath (and the snot in his nose). I adore his smile, and the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles. SIGH. I have to be the luckiest mommy in the world. No, I AM the luckiest mommy in the world.

Happy 6 months Noah Taylor!!

2009-04-15T22:53:00.004-05:00

I can't believe my little man is already six months old. It is mind-boggling that half a year has gone by since he was born! It's been an eventful six months, and I am so grateful to have survived it! Noah is the best little boy. Such an easy boy and a real trooper when it comes to the not-so-fun stuff in life, like doctors and teeth. Yes! I said teeth! The first one popped through three days ago on Easter and the second one popped yesterday! His sleep and naps have been a little screwy because of it, but he's still his typical, happy self.

We've tried almost all the stage one veggies - peas, carrots, squash, and sweet potatoes. I still have green beans in the pantry, but in honor of his 6mo birthday today, we skipped the beans, and opted for bananas! He loved it! He is such a piggie. He doesn't turn away anything, even those nasty cereals - rice, oatmeal, mixed grains. He eats them all!

It's kind of fun to look back and see how he has changed each month. Time has really flown right by...

Randomness

2009-03-30T22:29:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking about posting for about a week, but everytime I think of it, I'm either too tired or totally go blank on what I was going to write about... I've got a little of both going on right now, but let me try and do a Noah update (in absolutely no particular order):

*We have been feeding him cereal for about a month and a half, and he's doing great. We've done rice, oatmeal, and mixed grain cereal. Just yesterday we introduced his first veggies, peas - not my favorite - but he seems to enjoy them.

*He is rolling over inconsistently. I think I've only seen him go back to tummy once, but he has definitely found his feet, and I see more movement in our future.

*We met with the neurosurgeon at Children's last week, and he said everything's just fine. He said that Noah will probably grow into his head between 9 and 12mo. He'll never be ON the growth chart, but he'll make his own nice little curve parallel to it...

*The day we went to Children's was insane. They were TWO HOURS behind, so it turned into a loooooooooong day, but poor Noah was a trooper. We got home that night, he ate, and went to bed at 7pm and didn't wake until morning. Usually he would go to bed between 9 and 10, but I've been reading that he should be going down between 6 and 8. We've upped his bottles to 7 and 5oz each (depending on if he gets it with cereal), and now he only gets four bottles a day (and solids twice a day). He's gone to bed before 8:00 and slept the entire night for four nights in a row now. Fingers crossed it sticks...

*TMI alert: I am weaning from the pump. I've been pumping 4x/week since I went back to work in late-January. My goal was to make it to 6 months, and I think I will. It's been a slow process, but I now pump 3x/day and have dropped about 8oz. I have about two months worth frozen, so hopefully I can draw it out a bit and give Noah breastmilk until he's 9 months old.

*Noah loves to talk and laugh. He's a screamer too! Sometimes he'll just be laying there (usually on the changing table), and he'll screech! There have been times that it's definitely scared the crap out of me!

*He's in size three diapers now and has been since we went to Arizona. He's starting to bust out of his 6mo clothes, and I had to order a few pair of 9mo pants because most of his 6mo ones are too tight in the belly.

*Speaking of - he weighed in at 19lb, 3oz last week at Children's!!!

I'll post more pictures soon. He's getting so big! It's truly amazing how quickly babies change. He's such an awesome kid. We are the luckiest people in the world!!

Coming soon in the month of April:
*Julie and I are going to Champaign this weekend to see New Kids on the Block at Assembly Hall!!!
*Easter with the fam - just wait until you see Noah's Easter outfit!
*Katie GRADUATES!!!!!
*Alma softball at Wheaton College - represent.

a striking resemblance...

2009-03-14T20:57:00.005-05:00

I just recently noticed the amazing resemblance of 3D ultrasound Noah to newborn baby Noah...

Life, of late

2009-03-14T09:47:00.003-05:00

Again with my lack of updates!! My sincerest apologies - life has been so hectic, but I feel like we finally have somewhat of a normal routine.

Noah will be five months old tomorrow, and he is the easiest, most portable kid. His body clock is my best friend, because he's so easy to read. He eats every three hours like clockwork and is usually asleep within two hours of waking (thank you Dr. Weissbluth!). He's been eating cereal for over a month. It was slow going at first, but we recently figured out that feeding him cereal after a slightly smaller bottle makes all the difference! Now he's gobbling it up, save for when he's too sleepy (like this morning). We started the oatmeal cereal a few days ago, and he really seems to like it. He started imitating me by opening big and screeching "AHH!"

Our trip to Arizona was fantastic. The weather was absolutely gorgeous, as was the newest love in our lives, baby Laine. We are so happy for Amanda, Robert, & Isaac, who, by the way, is Noah's new best friend. Noah would light up and laugh hystericallly for Isaac! Noah enjoyed playing on Laine's pink playmat - his favorite toy here at home too (his isn't pink though...) He "enjoyed" two Cubs games, including one where they beat the Sox 13-0!! He was very overwhelmed by the experience, to say the least. The Cubs/Sox game was a very exciting game - lots of hits, including a grand slam - so when people would get loud and cheer, he would dissolve into a full on cry. His eyes would crunch, and he'd do the whole "eh, eh, eh, eh, EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" I just kept clapping and whispering "yay" in his ear when good things happened, since that's how we applaud him at home. The second game was not as exciting (the Cubs lost, and the average age of the crowd was probably about 30 years older than the previous game), so he did much better. He even got a souvenir! He got a "Spring Training 2009" baseball cap, that's child size, but fits his huge noggin!

Speaking of his nog, at his four month appointment, Noah's head was in the 99th percentile, and had grown over an inch in one month. The percent and growth were a little disconcerting to me, so I asked the pediatrician if we should be concerned. He said probably not, especially if big heads run in the family (they do), but said he wanted to consult with a neurosurgeon from Children's to be safe. The neuro suggested a cranial ultrasound through his soft spot to check for extra fluid. Turns out, little man does have some extra fluid outside of his brain, but the ped said he's not concerned. The neuro, however, wants to see Noah for a consultation. I think they're just being cautious, and I'm less worried now than I initially was, but I just feel bad for the poor kid getting toted from doctor to doctor, and getting test after test... We go back to Children's in two weeks for that appt, and we go back to the ped this Monday to get another measurement of his head. My biggest concern at this point is how his head size is impeding his development. I feel like his huge head is making it hard for him push up onto his arms and hands and to roll over. He does these things, but not as frequently as I think I'd like. Technically he's still getting PT once a month, but we're sort of on the fence if he really needs it... I guess it's sort of a crutch for me. Not that he really needs to be getting therapy for me to talk to his therapist about things.... :)

As for the hematology piece, he's doing great. We went to Children's this past Thursday for a follow up, and his hemoglobin is up to 10.5, which is great for him! The doc told us he'd see us back in 6 months! Yay! At that time, Noah will be almost a year, so they'll be able to do the testing to officially diagnose him with spherocytosis. The doc said that since I have such a mind case of it, Noah's will probably be mild as well. Thanks goodness! I'm anticipating no more transfusions in his future!!

I've been back to work now for a while. I'm starting to get back into the routine, but I can't seem to catch up. I think in a couple more months I'll feel a lot better, but right now I have good days and bad days. I feel like I might be hitting the wall... I've never felt as burned out as I do lately, and I don't feel like I'm doing my best, which is really hard for me, since I'm sort of a perfectionist. The thought of changing jobs terrifies me on so many levels. After doing something for five years, it's hard to imagine a change. But comfort is no reason to stay at a job... however, in this economy, job security is, so I'm kind of torn. I don't even know what I'd want to do if I made a change. Would I stay in the field or is it time to branch out? I wonder about it every day...

Time to jump through the shower before Noah wakes up. I'll post some new pics and videos soon!

My funny valentine

2009-02-16T07:13:00.004-06:00

*Noah is four months old.*

Sorry for the long break in posting. Life is so super busy these days, and what little time I have for myself is usually spent cleaning or doing laundry. Or just vegging out in front of the TV (some things never change).

Noah continues to be an incredible little man. He turned four months yesterday and got his first taste of rice cereal. He was super cranky at first, but he was really hungry, so we started with the bottle and then did some spoonfuls of cereal. By the end, he was opening his mouth in anticipaiton of the spoon!

Noah also rolled over last night for the first time! He did it three times, tummy to back, and of course, no more, so I couldn't get a video. He was pushing up on his forearms and looking up at me, and I think the weight of his giant head just tipped him right over!

Saturday was Noah's first Valentine's day. It was pretty low key - mommy and Noah ran some errands during the day. In the evening, we stayed in and daddy made a steak dinner. Noah bought valentines for mommy and daddy, and got a bunch of his own from the fam.

I've been back to work for close to a month now, and it's been going well. My days are so busy, but they fly right by. I love getting home to Noah at the end of the day. I think the fact that Ben's parents are watching Noah has made the transition easier. I never really struggled with going back. I think part of me was ready to have "me time" again and get back to my old routine, but I've also never had to worry about who's watching him and if they're doing what I would want done. The beauty of family! We are so greatful for their help, and I know Noah loves spending his days with them.

I apologize for the lack of blogging, but my time is so precious these days! I feel like there is so much more to write about, but that's it for now. Gotta get ready for work!

Some new pictures!

2009-01-09T23:54:00.002-06:00

I was just sitting on the couch with Noah one day, a few days before Christmas, and he starts shooting me these KILLER smiles. Thankfully the camera was sitting right next to me!

Noah went to see Santa at Stratford Square Mall. Not the cutest Santa I've ever seen, but we couldn't NOT take Noah to see Santa for his first Christmas!

Christmas morning, we had breakfast and did gifts with mom, Julie, & Scott at our house. Noah, of course, was spoiled!

Christmas afternoon was spent at Noah's great-grandma's house. Here he is with his great-grandma. Of course, his tongue's hanging out...

My new favorite picture of Noah! We were getting ready to head to my aunt and uncle's house for the holiday celebration with my mom's family, and Noah was hamming it up in his carseat! What a doll!

Reflections on 2008

2008-12-31T17:59:00.003-06:00

*Noah is 11 weeks old today!*

It's been such a busy last few weeks, and I definitely want to blog about Christmas and my birthday, but today, on the last day of 2008, I'm feeling very reflective.

A year ago today, I was in a pretty okay place. I remember not feeling so hot, and not really wanting to go to Amy & Mike's, but in the end we did and had a great time. We had just returned a few weeks earlier from the Dominican Republic, and we were definitely refreshed. I remember feeling calm and peaceful upon our return, and I remember hoping that was a sign of things to come.

I don't make new years resolutions, but last year I resolved to finally get pregnant, and within a month of making the resolution, I had succeeded!

2008 was FULL of joy, almost from start to finish. I had doubts that my IVF cycle would work and actually considered scrapping it after only one egg fertilized... thankfully, we did not do that, because the resulting embryo became baby Noah!

Sadly this year, we did lose Ben's grandfather, and of course it was hard, but with all deaths, it is important to celebrate the person's life. A good friend's mother also lost her battle with cancer earlier this year, and I just found out that a coworker's father-in-law just passed away.

This year, I've also watched friends struggle to become pregnant. A few have succeeded, while others have started down the path that Ben and I took. All I can do is be a supportive and good friend, but I know how much pain they are in, and words really cannot help that.

I've often thought years have been the "greatest of my life", most recently the years I graduated college and got engaged (2002) and got married (2003). But 2008 takes the cake thus far. After two long years, I finally became pregnant and gave birth to the most amazing human being. I look at him daily and am so thankful for him. I try to remember the pain of the journey and acknowlege that it was worth it in the end. I could have been pregnant when we started trying almost three years ago now, but that baby wouldn't be THIS baby. When my first round of IVF failed, I was devestated, but again - had it suceeded, that baby would not be Noah. I'm not a religious person, but I really think everything happens for a reason. It was not meant to be until now, and now that I have Noah here, it seals the deal!

2008 was the greatest year of my life, but now that Noah's here and part of our family, I know each year from now until the day I die will be even greater because I'll be able to watch him grow and change. While part of me doesn't want my baby to grow up, part of me is also SO excited to watch him change and find out what kind of little man he will become. I think of little things, short term things like rolling, sitting, crawling, and the thought of this little person, initially so helpless, becoming independent both excites and terrifies me!

We are so in love with Noah that it hurts. I'm so amazed at what love, medical technology, and my body created, it's almost unbelievable. I look at him and laugh because he really sums it all up for me. That probably doesn't make sense to you, but to me - I guess I just feel like I won the lottery. I have an awesome husband, an incredible little boy, great friends, and supportive family who loves us like crazy. 2008 was great, and I am the luckiest girl in the world!

Sleep is nice!

2008-12-18T17:55:00.003-06:00

*Noah is 9 weeks old!*

First of all, I was just revisiting the blog, and my belly picture from 38 weeks caught my eye. Oh my, I was HUGE!!! And I was still pregnant for three more weeks after that! I'm a *SO* thankful to have lost all my baby weight already. Yes, I said all. However, there are two types of weight - baby weight and IVF weight. I've lost the baby weight, but NOT the IVF drug weight. When I found out I was pregnant, I was at about 150, but when the whole IVF process started back in August 2007, I was just about 140. So at 148 now, I still technically have at least 8lbs to lose. I'd like to get to 135 - that's what I weighed when we went to Europe in the spring of 2006 before the whole trying to conceive thing started... Maybe I'll make a new year's resolution for once...

Anyways, SLEEP! It's becoming a common thing in our house, and I hope by typing this, I'm not jinxing it... I think we must have been jumping the gun with the middle of the night feeding. Noah would usually stir and make some grunting noises like he was waking up around 3am, and we would get up so Ben could feed him and I could pump. Well, since he started sleeping in the crib on Monday, he's been out cold until 6 or 7am! At first I thought maybe we were missing it - sleeping through a screaming spell or something, but I keep the monitor turned up so high you can hear the clock on the wall ticking in his room... If this keeps up, we will be *so* happy.

There are only a few glitches with the current sleep schedule. The main one is that we still can't get him down until between 9:30 and 10:30 (usually closer to 10:30). I think it's hard right now, for one, because I'm going out a lot during the day to run errands and do Christmas shopping, so he's napping a lot during the day. It's also hard because Ben doesn't get home from work until 6:30. Noah usually gets a bottle around 6 or 7, and we usually have dinner around 7 or 7:30, making it really hard to try to take the time to put him to bed after that bottle, so he usually goes to bed after the 9:00 bottle. I'm really hoping to make bedtime at least a bit earlier before I go back to work. As much as I'll want to be able to spend some time with him, I need to be able to get other things done too, like dishes, laundry, etc...

The other glitch, if you could call it that, with the sleep schedule is that I sleep through my pump session, making me incredibly uncomforable when I wake up in the morning. Usually Ben is able to feed Noah when he wakes up so I can go pump, but it makes me worried about my milk supply. Before 12 weeks, you're supposed to pump 8-12x a day with one being between 1 and 4am to get a good supply. By sleeping through that middle of the night pump, I could be killing my supply. It's good now, but I'm worried that it will drop around the 12 week mark... I'm up around 200oz of milk in the freezer, so at least that will keep us going for a little while after I go back to work. Like I think I said before, my first goal was to make it to 3mo with Noah getting breastmilk exclusively, and we're definitely going to make that goal. The next hurdle will be making it to 6mo. I'm feeling good about it for now, but like I said, we'll see what happens to my supply come 12 weeks.

Today, Noah went to see Santa Claus. Mommy & Daddy have been talking this guy up for weeks. Noah won't tell us what he asked Santa for - he's trying to make it hard on us. I mean, on Santa... I'll post pics soon!

Two months already!

2008-12-15T21:09:00.008-06:00

Noah is two months old today, and at times, it feels like he's been here forever, and at other times, it feels like just yesterday I was looking at him for the first time. So much has happened in these two months, and he has changed immensely almost daily. The love we feel for him is truly indescribable...

Visiting Daddy at work - that's Zombie Noah (he just ate...)

Mommy and Crabby Noah
He had his two month check up today and got his first shots. He had three shots in all, plus the oral Rotavirus. He was *SUCH* a champ. He cried briefly - you would too if you saw the size of the needles! - but we got him dressed quickly and gave him a bottle as a reward when it was all done.

He's officially 13lbs, 8oz and 23.5 inches long. He is in the 78th percentile for weight, but better than that, his head is in the 98th percentile!! I'm surprised at his head control given the size of his ginormous melon! We are starting to transition to 3-6 month clothes, as we've noticed the 0-3 month onesies are either fitting tightly or not at all! Also, we finally ran out of size 1 diapers, so we decided to try the 2's, and they fit! Little by little, Noah's growing up!

Practicing tummy time on Daddy's chest
There are so many little things that I know won't last forever that I want to try to remember forever... Like how when he's really hungry, he raises his eyebrows with each such of the bottle for the first handful of sucks. Or how he kind of swings his feet when he's eating, like he's just hanging out... Or how his eyes smile sometimes before his mouth does. And oh my god, the faces! I need to take more videos of him I think, because I can never quite catch the faces in pictures. Sometimes he raises his lip like he's Elvis, and other times he crunches up his nose and/or forehead... The faces he makes when he's whining are pretty classic too!

Smiley Noah...

...and Grumpy Noah
He's loving sitting up like a big boy. We prop him up on the couch, either in the corner or surrounded by pillows. He looks around (and is entranced by the TV) and talks a lot when he's feeling it. He loves his changing table. That's where we can ALWAYS get a smile and a conversation. Those smiles will absolutely melt your heart!

Enjoying the changing table, as usual!
Tonight is a big night. Not only did Noah get his first round of shots today, we're going to give the crib a whirl... I really want to get on a better sleep schedule before I go back to work, so we're going to see if sleeping in the crib helps. He took a short nap in there earlier tonight, and after a big 6oz bottle and some awake time, he's back to sleep in there now... we'll see how long it lasts before he's hungry again...

Sleepy Noah

A way past-due update

2008-12-02T23:45:00.004-06:00

*Noah is 7 weeks old (tomorrow).*

My friends!! (Yikes, now I'm sounding like John McCain...) Anyways, I'm so sorry I've been absent from the world of blogging for what must have seemed like an eternity. I've had good intentions and have thought frequently that I need to update, but you know how it goes... the kiddo needs to be fed, changed, rocked, etc...

Things are going really well with us. I can't believe my little man's already 7 weeks old! My god how time flies. I'll be back to work in six weeks (I think), and my time off is just flying by.

Noah has been doing great since his transfusion on the 14th. He's really a different kid. His color is better for starters, and he's got a lot more energy - staying awake more, cooing, smiling - okay, sometimes I wonder if they are just poo smiles, since I mainly get them on the changing table, but I'll take what I can get! He's getting huge too! We haven't had him weighed since the day of the transfusion, but we go back to the hematologist for a follow up on Thursday, so I'll be very interested to see what he weighs. I know for sure he was 10 pounds, 5 ounces butt-nekkid on the 12th, and I'm guess he's at least 12, if not 12.5 pounds by now.

He went through a crazy growth spurt the middle of last week. He was so fussy for two days straight, and he wanted to eat every 1.5 to 2 hours, and it was KILLING me!! We had our annual Turkey Hangover party on Friday (the day after Thanksgiving), and I had intentions of getting a ton of stuff done during the week leading up, but then we had to have this dang growth spurt. We survived it by finally deciding (thanks to the recommendation of Erin on the IVF message board) to increase his intake from 4oz per bottle to 4.5oz. That seemed to do the trick, and he was satisfied and back to normal by the end of the second day.

As for me, I'm still getting the hang of this "stay-at-home-mom" thing. It's freaking hard, and I have so much respect for my friends who do it! I still stand by my strong desire to want to be able to stay home with Noah (we can't do it financially), but I do desperately crave "me time". I love my two-hour trips to Target or lunches with the girls. Anything to get out of the house!! I am looking forward to seeing my work friends again and having regular adult interaction, but actually going back to work TO WORK... that's going to be tough!

I think I've finally broken myself of the guilt of not breastfeeding. I think the cards were stacked against us from the beginning, with Noah's jaundice and anemia (both of which made him so lethargic). It was so frustrating for both of us, and while part of me feels like maybe I could have given it one more shot, I refuse to stew on it now, because I am proud to now say that I am exclusively pumping. We haven't given Noah formula since November 6th, and he only got it then because I was having "supply" issues at the time. Now I'm way ahead of what he needs, and I've got close to 80oz of milk frozen for when I go back to work! Hopefully, I can keep up the very hard work that is pumping and therefore also keep my supply up. (I'm probably averaging 37oz per day, if you're interested.)

Noah was evaluated by a developmental and physical therapist through Early Intervention and will be receiving PT once a month to work on stretching and positioning for his neck. We've tried to be very aware of the position of his head and neck, and I definitely think it's getting better, but he definitely still needs the therapy, as he's favoring one side more than the other. Noah also had an ultrasound of his neck that revealed that the muscle in one side of his neck is thicker, probably causing the torticollis. The pediatrician ordered an x-ray of his neck just to be sure there's nothing else going on.

Hm. Did I cover everything? These past 7 weeks have been such a whirlwind, and I try to pause everyday, even if just for a moment, to take it all in. Last night while I was rocking Noah to sleep in the darkness of his nursery, I examined his tiny fingers. I thought about how they're not as tiny now as they were when he was born, and they won't be this tiny in a few more weeks. I often think about how these days and weeks will soon be gone forever, and I don't want to miss a second of it. I look at him everyday and see the most precious gift I've ever received. He is so amazing, and when I stop to think about everything we went through and how he came to be, it still blows my mind. He truly is a miracle in my eyes.

Some new pictures!

2008-11-17T09:02:00.006-06:00

*Noah is one month and two days old.*

First of all, here are before and after (well, during) pics of Noah the day of his blood transfusion. He had started looking kind of pale to us, and you can really see from the pictures how his color improved as a result of the transfusion.

Here's before:

And after:

In the after picture, you can see his little IV. It was so tiny! The blood on his shirt is from where the IV cap that connects the pieces was leaking a bit.

He's been such a sleepy baby because of the anemia. Some people still comment that they've never seen his eyes!

But he's feeling better and getting older, so he's awake more often now!

Of course, he still loves sleeping on mommy or daddy's chest. And don't forget about the cats! They need love too!

Good blood = pink baby

2008-11-15T15:47:00.002-06:00

*Noah is one month old today!!*

We spent the ENTIRE day in Chicago yesterday at Children's Memorial for his blood transfusion. We left the house at 7:15am and got home at 6:00pm. I think I slept three hours that night to top it all off, so when we got home, I was spent. Fortunately, little man let me sleep a bit last night!

Anyways, when we got there, they started an IV right away and took some blood to type and cross. It took about an hour for the blood to come down, and then they started the transfusion. The transfusion itself took about four hours, and then they sent us on our way.

Noah was SUCH a champ during the whole thing. He was so brave when they gave him the IV and barely fussed all day. Everyone loved him - he was definitely the littest one there, and probably the healthiest, thank god. So many of the other kids there were getting treatment for cancer, sickle cell, and other things like that...

We're doing good, and it seems like he shouldn't need another transfusion, but only time will tell. This website explains it better: http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/pa/pa_anemia_hhg.htm - basically, kiddos don't start producing red blood cells until 6-8 weeks of age, but because of Noah's blood disorder, his body is destroying his RBCs too quickly, resulting in the anemia. We go back to see the specialist to follow up and have more blood work done on Dec 4th.

Thanks so much for everyone's support and well wishes! It means a lot to us!

Hemoglobin of 7.6 = blood transfusion

2008-11-13T23:15:00.003-06:00

*Noah is 4 weeks, 1 day old.*

poor baby noah. it is just one thing after another with him. just like his mommy, he seems to have a lot of medical issues...

i took noah to the pediatrician yesterday for his follow up bloodwork to re-check his hemoglobin level. they gave me an order for additional bloodwork every week through the end of the year to get done at the lab at central dupage hospital. the ped called later and said the hemoglobin was 7.8 - down from 8.7 last week, but he didn't seem too concerned. he told me he'd forward the results to the hematologist and they'd follow up.

so the hematologist called me this morning and told me that he's concerned that the hemoglobin dropped so much in one week and that the decrease in the number of red blood cells oxygenating noah's body could be putting stress on his heart. he told me he wanted to do a blood transfusion, which was shocking, and even more shocking was that it needed to be scheduled for tomorrow!

i didn't even know what questions to ask. i was so taken aback. they had told us that transfusions were a treatment option for kids with anemia and spherocytosis, but never imagined it would be something we would have to do, much less this soon! noah's only four weeks old!

the hematologist said that even though they can't *officially* diagnose it yet, he's 95% sure that noah has spherocytosis because of the family history, his history of jaundice, and now the anemia.

what sucks is that i've lived with anemia and spherocytosis my entire life, and didn't even know i had the spherocytosis until i was 17 years old! now i have to worry about my baby having a blood transfusion already - it makes me worried that he'll have a more serious battle with the disorder and may need surgery down the road to remove his spleen and/or gall bladder. and worse, i am having immense guilt about it all, because it's hereditary on my side, and therefore my fault he's sick. i know, i know. of course it's not *really* my fault, but i just feel like - i don't know. after IVF and everything, obviously we wouldn't have done anything differently. i guess i'm just frustrated that i wasn't better prepared. i knew this disorder was hereditary, but i didn't realize it would be a 50% chance i'd pass it on, and i guess i didn't really know the implications because i've never really had any major problems with it.

anyways, PLEASE keep us in your thoughts tomorrow. i'm sure everything will be fine, it's just terrifying to think of your baby being so sick. i'm trying not to overanalyze or google too much because it just makes my mind race.

honestly, it's a very surreal experience for me. i have so many memories of my childhood - like up until age 21 or 22 - of regular visits to the, sometimes weekly, to larabida for follow up appointments with the rheumatologist, blood work, ultrasounds, therapy, and even one two week hospitalization for a drug treatment... and when we were at children's last week, it just felt so weird to be on the other side. for so many years i was the kid, and now i'm the mom. it makes my heart ache for my son, but also makes my heart ache for my mom and what she must have gone through with me for all those years. my dad wasn't the most supportive person either, so my mom was usually alone with me (and sometimes my sister) on those trips, which usually lasted all day. so thank god for ben. i can't imagine doing this alone.

Bad blood, a stiff neck, and VH1

2008-11-10T22:58:00.003-06:00

*Noah is 3 weeks, 5 days old.*

Just like mommy, Noah's going to be a pro at doctors, specialists, and bloodwork before long! Poor guy...

On Thursday, we had a consultation with the hematologist at Children's Memorial. We discussed Noah's and my medical history at length, and then Noah needed to give some blood. Those poor little heels were just starting to get better! The doctor originally wanted to see us back in 6 months for follow up blood work on both Noah and me and to possibly make a diagnosis of Hereditary Spherocytosis (HS). However, the doctor called the next day and said that Noah is anemic (hemoglobin of 8 point something - 12 is normal), and they want him to get blood work every week for a few weeks and go back to Children's in December for a follow up. Anemia is one of the main symptoms of HS and is something I've lived with my entire life. We're scheduled to see the pediatrician on Wednesday for the blood work.

Noah also had a physical therapy evaluation on Friday for his torticollis. We're doing the evals through Early Intervention. Conflict of interest? Not really - this way I can pick my therapists (call in some favors, if you will) and be on top of what's going on, plus I don't have to take Noah to a clinic full of potentially sick kids at 4 weeks old... The PT said she's going to recommend she see him monthly to check in and make sure he's getting better and not worse. She gave me a lot of tips on positioning and stretching exercises. I'm not too worried about Noah's neck at this point, but it's definitely going to be a matter of breaking bad habits that both he and we have gotten comfortable with in terms of positioning and whatnot.

Noah definitely loves to eat, sleep, and poop. Perfect storm of baby, if you ask me! He's eating about 4oz of pumped breastmilk every 3 hours or so. I try to set my alarm to wake every 3 to 3.5 hours at night, and I've often been sleeping through it (shame on me), but Noah doesn't seem to mind. He'll wake me up when he's ready to eat, and usually will sleep for 4-5 hour stretches. The 3:00am feeding is the hardest for sure, BUT there is one perk. I usually change him, feed him, get him back to sleep, and then go to the basement to pump, which used to suck... until I discovered that VH1 plays music videos in the middle of the night!!! SCORE!!! It totally makes the time fly right by, and last night, part of me almost wanted to keep watching!

Election Day!

2008-11-04T15:04:00.003-06:00

*Noah is 2 weeks, 6 days old.*

Today is a big, big day. Noah doesn't realize it yet, but history is about to be made, and he was a part of it!

It's MY future!!

Mommy & Noah getting ready to go!

No campaigning beyond this point. Mommy had to close her sweater to hide her Obama shirt...

Proud to be an American under President Obama!!

Baby's First Halloween!

2008-11-02T10:42:00.007-06:00

*Noah is 2 weeks, 4 days old*

Noah's first Halloween was so much fun. Mommy bought his costume a few months ago after searching FOUR Babies R Us and Toys R Us stores to find it in a 0-3mo size, which by the way, was huge on him! First, we went to visit Mommy's office - it was so nice to see everyone, including all the other kids who were there trick or treating too!

Kari, Kaden, Noah, & Mommy
After the CFC, we went home for lunch and Grandma & Grandpa came to visit. Then we went to visit Grammy at her work. She was so happy to see us!

After Grammy's work, we went trick or treating at Grandma & Grandpa's house and Great-Grandma's house. Everyone thought Noah was the cutest monkey ever!

We then went home to pass out treats to all the neighborhood kids. We don't really know our neighbors, but they all said congrats on the baby, which we thought was so sweet. Auntie Julie & Uncle Scott came over to visit with the monkey baby.

Mommy & Daddy sure do love our little monkey!

Time flies!

2008-10-30T13:29:00.007-05:00

*Noah is 2 weeks, 1 day old*

It's hard to believe Noah's already over two weeks old. These last few weeks have been such a blur. The hours and the days run together, and I don't know up from down, but we're trying to enjoy every second of it. I'm not going to lie - it's hard when Noah gets so upset because we don't get him food fast enough or when he won't settle down to fall back asleep after his midnight feeding, but we're learning to cope with it and survive on little sleep.

In general, things are going well. One thing that has been tough has been breastfeeding (BF). Things just didn't start off the way I had hoped, and I think it's been sort of downhill ever since.

Of course, I had imagined having him naturally, and trying to BF him immediately after he was delivered. Well - the c-section got in the way of that. I had read that as long as c-section babies are put to the breast within an hour or two after birth, they'll latch right on. Well - Noah didn't really have a good suck-swallow-breathe pattern initially, so they gave him a bottle of formula. Unfortunately, I was so out of it from the surgery and residual pain, that I wasn't as pro-active as I normally would have been, insisting on BFing and requesting the help of a lactation consultant more quickly.

Then Noah got so sick with the Jaundice, and they put the fear of god in us, saying he could only be out of the Bilibed for 15 minutes at a time. That made BFing damn near impossible, because even a bottle feeding and a diaper change alone took more than 15 minutes. In retrospect, I think I'm glad we stuck to keeping him in the Bilibed as much as we did, as opposed to pushing for more time out for him to BF, because it worked. He got well, was able to come home with us, and has continued to improve. If if the end BFing is sacrificed for his good health, then I'm fine with that.

Once we came home, I tried to exclusively BF, but after having had bottles of formula (mixed with pumped breast milk) in the hospital for nearly a week, Noah wasn't getting enough milk fast enough. He would become so frustrated and impatient waiting for the milk to let down, and once it did, he would get lazy, stop sucking, and fall asleep. We met with a lactation consultant a few days after we were discharged, who gave us some pointers on keeping him interested. It seemed like he was latching well, but was still just very lazy, so we continued to supplement with pumped milk.

I had to take a few days off BFing all together because I developed cracks and blisters (sorry TMI!), and the pain of trying to feed Noah was excruciating. I know he sensed my agony, because he would become agitated. I pumped exclusively for a few days, and we saw a lactation consultant again this past Monday. She gave me some pointers on caring for the cracks and blisters, and suggested I use a nipple shield and continue pumping to supplement.

Noah still gets frustrated and lazy when I try to BF, which is frustrating for me because I know he is the way he is because we weren't able to start things off the way I wanted. I know even just the pumped milk is better than nothing, but in a way I feel like I'm letting everyone down, including myself. BFing is *SO* much harder than I ever imagined it would be. Even after taking a class and reading up on it, things happen that are out of your control, and I realize that, but I really wanted it to work, and now I'm not so sure I have it in me.

One week old, and Noah already found his thumb!
On the upswing, Noah is gaining weight, so we know he's getting enough food! He's up to 8lbs, 12oz and 21.5in! His head size is in the 95th percentile - he's definitely got his daddy's noggin! We saw the pediatrician again yesterday. He wrote us orders for an ultrasound of Noah's hips because he was breech. I mentioned to the doctor that Noah likes to keep his head tipped to one side, and the doctor said he thinks it's torticolis, and suggested we have Noah evaluated by a physical therapist and also get an x-ray of his neck. Poor baby Noah. Like daddy said, how can you be so healthy and have so many problems?? (I think it's just because he's my son...)

Oh what a week it's been...

2008-10-23T10:41:00.003-05:00

*Noah is 8 days old*

I know I said I would keep the blog updated, but damn - who knew how exhausted I would be between no sleep and breastfeeding and pumping every few hours...

We've been home since Sunday, and Noah is doing really well. He had severe jaundice when we were in hospital - so much so, the neonatologist was talking to us about the NICU and brain damage. He was in the Bilibed for phototherapy from mid-day Thursday until Sunday morning. They had talked to us about him not being discharged at the same time, but fortunately, his bilirubin levels were coming down consistently enough that he was able to come home with us.

We've been to the pediatrician twice since he came home, and his bilirubin had continued to come down. We can still see that he's yellow in his face, but he's definitely looking MUCH better than he did when the jaundice was at it's worst. The pediatrician and neonatologist think Noah may have the same blood disorder I do, which is called Hereditary Spherocytosis. Because it's hereditary, there's basically a 50/50 chance he has it, but it can't be diagnosed until he's a bit older. We've been referred to Children's Memorial Hospital to see a hematologist for a consultation.

I'm working on uploading some more pictures, but in the meantime, here's a link to some pictures my father-in-law took while we were in the hospital. Enjoy!! http://billkoe.webng.com/Noah'sFirstPhotos/

New Pictures!!

2008-10-17T16:10:00.003-05:00

We've had a busy couple of days, so I apologize for the lack of updates. I'll post a bit later with ALL the info. For now, just know that Noah is doing great, despite having pretty significant jaundice. Poor little man can only come out of his light bed to feed, so we're missing giving him lots of hugs, but there's always the rest of his life for that! For now, enjoy a few pictures of our little (yellow) bug!

The very first time I held Noah in the OR recovery room.
Mommy & Noah in our room
Noah in his Bilibed.
Chubby cheeks!!
Daddy and Noah eating lunch today.

Noah Taylor Koechling

2008-10-15T21:24:00.002-05:00

Noah Taylor Koechling
Born 2:55pm
October 15, 2008

8lbs. 8oz.
19 1/4 inches

Mom and baby are both doing well. Mom's recovering from her C-section surgery. It took a lot more out of her than we both expected. Between all of the emotions, the lost sleep from the night before, and the physical scars we're both pretty exhausted.

Thanks for all the well wishes and words of kindness! We look forward to visiting with you guys soon!

BREAKING NEWS!

2008-10-15T14:12:00.003-05:00

Well, Dr. Carroll came in for an exam about 20 minutes ago and did an ultrasound (at the nurse's urging). She was convinced that Baby K was breach. Well, ultrasound confirmed that she was right. (I told her that's why she gets the big bucks!)

Anyway, I am furiously typing since I need to change into my scrubs. We're headed upstairs to the operating room!

Baby is absoultely healthy, no problems, only problem is we have been talking to his butt for the last 9 months or so! lol

Anyway, it will be at least 4 hours at the earliest before we will be able to see anybody. won't really have the blog to update either, i'll have my cellphone and will be able to contact julie though!

Thanks for all the support!!!

Ben

finally - progress!

2008-10-15T09:04:00.006-05:00

*d-day!*

i didn't sleep much last night. i got the cervidil at 7:00pm and had to lay flat on my back until 9:00. around 11:00, i got lunesta to help me sleep. unfortunately, i really only got four hours of good sleep before i started waking frequently with minor contractions. it felt like really bad menstural cramps, and my hips and lower back were burning with pain. i got another stretch of sleep (maybe an hour an a half) this morning, before the nurse woke me up at 6:00am to remove the cervidil. i took that opportunity to take a hot shower and wash my hair. i felt a lot better after that.

around 6:40, the nurse started my IVF antibiotics, fluids, and pitocin. i started feeling milder contractions that i'd felt before. it was at this point that i started to freak out a little bit.

this is really happening. TODAY.

around 8:15, dr. carroll came to check in on me. he checked my cervix, and while i suffered in pain, he told me it would be my worst exam ever. thank god it can't get worse... anyways, in the end, it was a good exam. the exam broke my water, and he said i was 3-4cm dialated and about 70% effaced (thinned).

now that my water is broken, i'm *definitely* feeling much stronger contractions. (just had one.) i'm doing my breathing from my L&D class, and for now it's helping. i'm not going to try to be a hero either - i'm asking for the epidural as soon as i think i really need it (being in mind that it usually takes a big of time for the anesthesiologist to show up).

i should mention too that the doctor said that it looks like there's meconium in the fluid, and it's probably because i'm past my due date. (meconium is the baby's first bowel movement that usually they're not supposed to make until after delivery.) the neonatologist will be present during delivery just to make sure baby's okay and hasn't aspirated, or breathed in, the meconium.

so that's where we're at for now. thanks for all the well wishes we've received. we truly appreciate everyone's thoughts being with us today! stay tuned!!

The Home Stretch...

2008-10-15T00:38:00.003-05:00

*41 weeks*

Be kind, this is my first blog post... EVER!

We're at the hospital, and it's late, but I wanted to get an update out there for everyone. Well to call it an update really isn't fair since there's really no news other than... we're here and things are going fine. We're basically just hanging out and waiting. Julie and Scott stopped by for a couple hours and helped us pass the time. Julie made us laugh and the nurse came in to ~~tell us to knock off all the noise we were making~~ check and make sure everything was alright. I'll have photos of Julie's antics in another update.

The nurse told us that the pitocin will be administered around 6:30am. I really have no idea how quickly things will go from that point. I guess we'll have to wait and see. Well, I need to get some sleep. Here's a picture of us shortly after we arrived.

It's official!

2008-10-13T16:35:00.003-05:00

*40 weeks, 6 days*

I'm being admitted to the hospital tomorrow at 5pm!! Woohoo!!

We had another NST today and the baby did great. I even had a few contractions during the test (again, could've fooled me...) Still nothing happening with my cervix, but the doctor feels like it's time to induce, which is okay by me!

So, I just got the call that labor and delivery is expecting me at 5pm on Tuesday evening. The doctor said they'll draw some blood and get an IV going. I need to get IV antibiotics started right away because I tested positive for group-B strep, which can be harmful to the baby if not treated during labor. Then the nurses will administer the Cervidil, which will help my cervix thin out and dialate and will also start contractions. The doctor said they'll also give me something to help me sleep tomorrow night - hallelujah! Wednesday morning, they'll start the Pitocin, which will strengthen the contractions and hopefully get things moving!

Stay tuned for updates!!

Random thoughts

2008-10-12T23:25:00.009-05:00

*40 weeks, 5 days* - 3 days to induction!!

It's been a lazy weekend at the Koechling house. I think I showered on Saturday at about 6:30pm, and today we lounged around watching the Bears lose AGAIN in the 4th quarter. Tonight, we had a "date night" - probably our last for awhile, though we've promised each other we'll still try to take time for ourselves even after the baby comes. We did dinner and a movie, and it was a lot of fun.

It's so weird to think that a week from now our lives will be completely different forever. We stopped at Target tonight and bought a 0-3 month Bears outfit for the baby because it occured to us - he'll be watching the game with us next weekend! Well - we'll be watching (if we can stay awake), and he'll probably be sleeping, eating, or crying. Regardless, he'll be here, in our house, in our arms...

It's starting to freak me out a little bit. It's been SO surreal up to this point. It's been such a long process to get here, and now, after almost three long years since we started this journey, our child - our son - is going to be born in just a few days.

I've watched friends and coworkers have their children over the last few years, and now it's my turn, and I'm scared and thrilled all at the same time. I'm absolutely terrified of the unknown that is childbirth. I'm going to stay as laid back, relaxed, and calm as possible, but I know that induction might not be an easy process and could very well end in a c-section, which is NOT what I had hoped for. But I know that the doctor will do what's best for me and the baby.

In the end, however he's delivered, our little boy will be here. I've dreamed for so long of meeting him for the first time, seeing him with his daddy, seeing the reactions on the faces of the family and friends who have been by our sides on this journey, and who will love and spoil this child just as much as we will. The thought of the first time I see him and the first time I hold him - it brings tears to my eyes. It's almost hard to believe that this is actually, *finally* happening to me!

The girls on my IVF message board have said that seeing their husbands with their newborns has made them fall in love all over again, and I believe it, but I don't necessarily need to see Ben with his son to fall in love all over again (though I KNOW that will melt my heart).

Throughout this process - well, words really cannot describe how grateful I am and how lucky I feel to have such an amazing husband. While no relationship is perfect - of course, we frequently have our disagreements and we've defintely had our share of nasty screaming matches - I truly could not imagine going through the rest of my life with anyone else.

Ben has been my rock. The two years of trying to conceive resulting in heartbreak month after month... the mood swings and emotions of the fertility drugs... the intense regiment of shots, appointments, and procedures... I don't wish our struggles on anyone, but I still can say that I am stronger from this experience, and without a doubt I know that our relationship is stronger too.

I know I haven't always been easy to deal with during treatment and during the pregnancy, but Ben has loved me unconditionally and always made me feel that everything will be alright. He's missed maybe two doctors appointments from the start - once because of work and once because I told him it was okay to not come (I think he was entrenched in yard work). He told me tonight that he has looked forward to and been excited about every appointment, and you have to understand - most appointments during the pregnancy last all of 15 minutes for the doctor to measure my belly and listen to the baby's heartbeat for about 10 seconds. My point is that I am so grateful for his support and involvement. I am so lucky that he is my husband, and even luckier that he is the father of my son.

The end is near

2008-10-10T11:00:00.001-05:00

*40 weeks, 3 days* (though I originally typed 50, instead of 40...)

I'm still pregnant! Yep. This little one is super comfy inside of me and is showing no interested in making his grand entry into the world! But never fear - the end is *officially* in sight!

Yesterday, we went back to the doctor for a non-stress test (NST). They hooked me up to some equipment that monitored the baby's heart rate and whether there were any contractions, and I pressed a button every time I felt him move. I'd been instructed to eat something sugary beforehand, and they gave me candy when I got there to get him (and keep him) moving. He passed with flying colors! His heart rate was spot on - Ben said it would go up when he would move - and the doctor said I even had a contraction during the test. Could have fooled me!

So we passed the test, meaning the baby's still thriving and the placenta's still doing it's job. The doctor then measured my belly (still growing) and checked my cervix (still high and closed, but "starting to soften"), and informed me that not much has changed. Duh.

I go back again on Monday (40w, 6d). We're going to do another NST, and the doctor will check my cervix again. Assuming I'm still pregnant at that point, he basically said we'll start the induction process on Tuesday night. I was unclear as to whether the process starts at the office or the hospital. Basically, he'll insert a gel that will help "ripen" my cervix - hopefully getting things moving along, so that Wednesday morning, they can start pitocin, thereby starting contractions.

SO - finally, I feel like the end is in sight. Wednesday, October 15th is it, though I'm not lying to myself in thinking he'll be BORN on the 15th. I'm thinking it'll be the 16th, because I don't see things moving very quickly, given my current state... And I *really* don't see anything happening naturally between now and then. I'm not normally a pessimist, but nothing's happened to this point... Though I was having the weirdest nesting yesterday - I was on a mission to find back massagers and very specific Halloween decorations......

Now we just need to settle on a name for this child...